Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Embrace Life, get over the blah

So I watched the 20 minute plus story of Zach Sobiech this morning. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go here: http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-just-died-what-he-left-behind-is-wondtacular-rip It’s really a sad but inspiring story. Basically this teenage boy got diagnosed with terminal cancer and decided to live his life. He passed away yesterday. Amazing story. But the thing is, it totally puts life into perspective does it not? Here’s this 17 year old kid told he has months to live who really is living his life and enjoying every moment that he has here, acknowledging that each moment is a gift. While I know all the classic reasons why we don’t embrace every moment on earth it’s hard to imagine why we as a society aren’t more in tune with the miracle that is just breathing every day.

We take so much for granted. We spend far too much of our live worrying about the things that do not matter. I am of course completely guilty of this. There is unfortunately no real way to stop this. As amazing as the story is, I’m also slightly sad to. It left me a little depressed. Which I mean, I guess it should because I have a heart and all. It’s so sad that life is so ridiculously unfair. And also now I’m sad because we can’t embrace each day with pure abandonment because we have consequences and bills and daily life to attend to. Although tomorrow is never guaranteed. Just sad.

I am left feeling blah about it all and probably so because I look out my window and see nasty gray clouds. It’s sad. And then I start thinking about my family situation and I get sad. I think about my husband and for some stupid reason we aren’t really connecting lately and that makes me sad. Blah. I am sure I am just experiencing a case of the blah’s.

I should try and be more positive, especially in light of the video I just invested my time into this morning. His whole message was to embrace life. And here I am being a sad little bitch. What the hell do I have to complain about really? I have a great house, a great husband who loves me, a fabulous vacation happening in 11 days, my birthday in a week, and I like the woman I am in the mirror. Seriously shut the fuck up Emily, you have nothing to be blah about.

As we all know, what one sees, and what is really going on are never the same exact thing are they. I try to keep this place as real and honest and candid as I can without stepping on anyone’s toes or saying more than I really should. But things are never completely as they appear. How can they be? This blog is told my sole perspective as these are all my words and thoughts and feelings. Unto itself it becomes biased and skewed by nature. Just saying.

I know my family loves me. I know they never intentionally excluded me from vacation. I know they would love to have me go on the vacation. I really do know this. I am not really mad at anyone because I do know all of this to be true. It is VERY hard for me to be mad at anyone over the situation. I can’t be. And yet I am mad about the situation as a whole. I think that is the most frustrating part. I am not mad and I don’t want to be mad at any one person. It is no one’s fault and I know I am more than welcome. But, how can I tell my heart to feel something that it doesn’t? How can I suddenly be happy and okay when I am sad? I am just hurt and upset about the whole situation. That now I am once again not going and won’t get to be part of it. For ANOTHER family vacation. Whether intentional or unintentional, and I know it’s unintentional, it still hurts the same.

But honestly, I know in time I will get over it. I won’t forget, but I have no choice but to get over it. They are my family after all. My feelings of blah today come from lots of other factors aside from my family situation. Honestly, I am probably the only one dwelling on the family situation… (cough, cough, probably because I’m the only one not going!) I am just blah because I am tired. I am not loving the dark gray clouds that are making me incredibly cold once again. I feel completely unproductive at work and of course have tons of mixed emotions about this weekend.

Saturday is Chris’s birthday as well. I am not sure what I am going to do with that. He says he doesn’t want me to do anything but then is that just someone saying that and they really do want you to do something? Monday is my birthday and I guess as it turns out also memorial day and I just found out yesterday that my office or rather my bosses are not working Monday so I guess I somehow got my birthday off. I don’t think that makes that big of a difference in my life really. Except maybe then on Monday I could/should start packing I guess. There are plenty of items that I can open a suitcase on the spare bedroom bed and start filling. Swimsuits, dresses that are only going to be worn in tropical locales. I probably can pack a bunch of stuff actually. Maybe Monday would be a great day for that. I guess this means that counting today I only have 8 work days left before my vacation. Normally I would be excited about this but today I can only manage an eh.

I did run last night. I ran at home and it was a decent run. Won’t win any records with it but I managed. It was fine. That is about all I can say about that. Tonight I head to the gym where I have my fitness meeting with the trainer at 7 PM. I should get there about 5:30 after work, which leaves me a solid hour or hour and a half to workout before I meet for my assessment. Honestly I have no idea what my plan of action will be. This is day 4 in a row of workouts and honestly I am tired. I will probably run for half an hour and then take it kind of easy. Easy for me is maybe 20 minutes stair climber and some arm work. I don’t know though. Perhaps I will get an afternoon power surge and totally be feeling it later today. Doubtful but you never know.

I was excited about my fitness assessment yesterday, today I am rather blah all around so it’s no surprise that I feel slightly blah about that too. I need an attitude adjustment for sure. My life doesn’t suck!!!! I don’t know maybe I need some candy, maybe that will perk my attitude up a little bit if I eat some sugar. Ha ha. Does that ever work? Maybe right…

I brought my workout clothes with me so that I can go directly from work to the gym. I am really hoping that I have a better attitude later today. I was very excited about my consult the other day and I am hoping to return to that happy place again. I’m sure after I get out of the office and run around and do some errands things will be better. I can do this and yes, I am going to kill it at the gym or rather have a great happy fun productive meeting with a trainer to discuss things. See the positive self talk there. Be proud of how far I’ve come and excited to see how far I can go.

1 comment:

Pg_Ro said...

Sorry you are having a case of the blahs. I hate those days/weeks/months.

Hopefully at your fitness assessment you can get some ego stroking as you get to tell the trainer how much weight you have lost in such a short period of time. Instead of being on the other end of the spectrum telling the trainer you know you need to lose x weight, you get to say you already lost x amount of weight & now you are just wanting to add some more challenges in.

I usually get kind of depressed around my bday. Too much inner reflection about where I thought I would be at x point in my life. Plus it is of those times where you are supposed to be happy, but then feel kind of shitty because you don't feel happy even though you "should".

You could also be starting to come off the high of the thrill of the weight loss journey, now that you are pretty much at your goal. Or that this amazing vacation you have been dreaming about is finally almost here.

You can completely ignore my ramblings, I am just speculating on what might be going through my head if I was in your situation.

When did you start writing your first blog? Were you 25? I can't believe I have been reading for so long!