Run away

Okay so today I feel better after having a nice solid completely healthy day. It always amazes me how much I need the high of exercise in my life. Running or rather the high of running calms the crazy in my head somehow and makes me feel at peace with things. Yes, I had a horrible shit four days but its only four days not like forever or anything. And I think its partly fear based that suddenly I’m going to completely go off track and won’t be able to regain control and of course once I do regain control some of the crazy goes away. Yesterday proved that I could struggle and get my ass right back in gear. That is good to know.

I also spent a good amount of time analyzing why I even let this happen to begin with. Part of it is simply because food tastes good. Period. End of story. But that honestly is not where the inability to control myself once I go down a horrible path comes from. I realized that I had some issues rearing there ugly head, life issues that I am not at liberty to discuss on this board, nor would I really want to at this point in my life. Some things are to remain private after all. But anyway, it’s some of the same issues as to why I gained 75 pounds to begin with. I’ve been having some of these issues creep there way back into my life and it was causing me to spiral a little. At least I have acknowledged the forces and now maybe hopefully can try to circumvent them from occurring again. Life is not always rosy and cheeky as much as I try to live my life that way. Some days are just a real bitch pure and simple.

Today I feel more in control of my weight loss while other parts of my life go for a spin. Nothing is ever 100% in check you know. Boy do I wish it was but then I guess life wouldn’t be interesting if it always was. My youngest sisters husband uploaded some photos from Disneyland in October of well not this last year but the year before. Anyway, I have fat photos from that trip, but there is a new doozy of a photo on there. Given the reality that I avoided photos like the plague during this time its somewhat rare to see such horrific photographic evidence of my clear, utter and obvious hatred for myself. So here it is…



Yup, It’s a beauty isn’t it. That should be every reason enough in itself to keep me from ever going back there but this is not an easy journey ever. What they don’t and can’t really teach you at a weight watchers meeting or write about online is the reality of how the ups and downs of day to day life really affect your motivation and ability to stay in control of your choices. It’s all good when life is in fact going peachy keen but throw in some tears and suddenly life seems just unimportant. Like you want to just run away. Ever have that feeling? God I hope I’m not alone, that some days you just want to get in a car and drive away from everything and everyone? Of course you really don’t and you have no intention of doing it but for a split second the fantasy crosses your mind, starting over in someplace warm and exotic. Yeah… not so much but it’s okay to fantasize. Generally I do love my life so I am super sure I’d miss it.

Tonight I am going to run again and hopefully get in another good workout. Clearly I need the therapeutic benefits of exercise. And I’ll have you know that I keep plugging along with my 30 for 30 challenge. So far so good. Despite it all I am managing to keep up on at least that.

What a random post today. Kind of all over the place for sure. If I am certain of anything its that in a few days I am sure I will be back to my normal happy optimistic self. I look forward to that. In the mean time I will just keep going on because I don’t actually have a choice in the matter do I?