On a day like today

Today I am starving. Like I just want to eat everything kind of hungry. I also woke up this morning DREADING going to work. Like one of those days that for no good reason you just don’t want to do it. You don’t want to do anything actually. One of those days where you find yourself thinking how you could function as an unemployed person. Would it be possible? Could I survive if I cut my life down to the bare minimums?

And then it dawned on me that it’s around the middle of the month which means that I think I’m right in line for the week before my period which is always the week where I am hungry and moody. Lovely. I really am stupidly hungry for no good reason. Actually I did the same thing last night. I did run, which for some reason felt like torture last night (perhaps it is the whole impending period thing) and then I just wanted to eat too much. Scratch that, I DID eat too many York peppermint patty minis. Like 8 of them I think. Ooops. Periods are the devil or at least the week before your period. I really was craving chocolate, like I am craving it now. The thing is, I don’t have any at work so I guess that is a good thing.

I am feeling so lazy I don’t even want to go home and run. That is NOT a good thing because if I didn’t run I would just want to eat. And I would probably cave and eat. I will make myself run but I am giving myself permission to just let it be an easy night and not push myself at all. The only thing I found in my mini-fridge was an old Jell-O pudding cup with sugar free Jell-O, you know those WW ones that are no points. I’m eating it right now, but it’s not that satisfying. I mean, when you want chocolate but are eating Jell-O instead. Yeah.

I really didn’t want to work this morning. I really don’t want to be at work right now. I suspect tomorrow I won’t want to work either. I suspect that I am suffering from pre vacation-itis I am sure that is not a word, but it makes sense. Like when you get senioritis and you slack the last part of your senior year of school. I am thinking that these next three weeks pre Maui are going to be rough. I desperate want a vacation and it’s mostly what I daydream about all the time. Like can I just go tomorrow already…

I actually have Chris’s birthday in there. (He turns 34 on the 25th) and then 2 whole days later is my 34th Birthday on the 27th. It’s not like happy things aren’t happening in the next three weeks. Damned PMS. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, just a few minutes ago I looked at the date on my computer screen and realized that TODAY is May 14 and I realized that today is my dad’s birthday. Perhaps the universe is more in tune with these things than I give it credit for. Perhaps I am slightly sad and off today and basically didn’t want to get out of bed because deep down I knew today we would have been celebrating his birthday. Interesting. I didn’t think about it earlier at all. And all of a sudden like a ton of bricks it hit me. Ugh… I don’t think that ever gets any easier. I don’t care how hold you are or how many years it’s been, he was still my dad. The only one I will ever have. And even if I’m an almost 34 year old woman doesn’t mean that I still don’t need my dad from time to time. I mean, there are plenty of times late at night while lying in bed that I talk to him in my head and ask him things. I guess because I believe he is somehow, some way watching over me I think he has any sort of pull or influence in the universe that maybe he can help. Or at least help me understand things sometimes.

I suspect nothing in life is that coincidental? That sometimes all things are part of a master plan greater than you. One can call this faith or religion or God. I don’t know. I’m not a real religious person despite being raised Catholic and going to a private Catholic grade school, which I left in the 6th grade because I hated it so much I started stealing to get my parents attention to make them take note of just how unhappy I really was. True story.

As much as I was socially awkward in high school and friendless when it came to being in a class of 200 students imagine what it was like being in a class of 25, the same kids for 5 years. If you don’t fit in, you just don’t fit in. I never felt like I fit in. Pretty much ever as a child or young adult and at times still as an adult I guess. Some days you really do feel like you are on the outside looking in at all the cool kids just wanting to be a part of something greater. I suspect the grass is always greener on the other side of anything. You always want what other people have got and ultimately you can’t have. Such is the irony of life.

Back to feeling famished. Perhaps I am trying to feed some deeper sadness today. I think that is a strong possibility. I think that perhaps I should NOT break open the giant can of almond Roca that my bosses have left in this office that I have successfully avoided for 6 months. I just remembered there was chocolate in this office after all. Yup, bad thought to have. Must not break it open. I’ve only got like 2 more hours of work anyway. I can do this. I don’t need chocolate to fill the void in my heart today. Sure, I don’t want to work; I really don’t want to be here. I want to be on a tropical island not worrying about stupid petty shit. I want to be by the warm ocean with an open mind without a care in the world. Some days are just like that I guess.

Some days writing things out really does help. Sometimes I write shit and it is pointless and means nothing but just a recap of my boring life and then some days, like today, it is so important to work out what’s really going on inside you. Some days I can’t imagine how I’d get thru without this blog. I mean I suspect that I would have gone along with my day being pissy and irritable and perhaps eating almond Roca just because without realizing that I was filling a void left by my father on his birthday. Okay, perhaps that sounds more dramatic than it really is. I mean, I didn’t even realize it until like 30 minutes ago so how critical can it really be? And yet, I do have to wonder.

I think the best thing I can possibly do today is go home and run. Even if it’s not a great one, I feel like now I need to do it as a tribute to my father who could never conquer his own demons in life. He was never able to control or handle his emotions and ultimately could not deal with his weight. I need to enjoy and live my life because that is what he would have wanted. The best way to celebrate him and his life is to truly live mine and not bury my face in almond Roca. Do the things he could not do. Run, and be healthy, and happy. Despite if it’s my pre period week, if it’s actual PMS or if it’s just sadness brought on by the reality of the day. Doesn’t matter, I should probably just run anyway.