Destruction

Ah Monday morning, my arch nemesis, we meet again. In the history of the world is there someone who actually loves Monday mornings? I suppose there is, it’s just never going to be me. Starring down the very start of an entire work week is just never fun. As exciting as Friday afternoon is, Monday morning is the antithesis of that. I’ve thought a lot this weekend about what I was going to say here because I had some things happen this weekend that my first inclination was to come on here and vent and then I decided that I should probably rein it in. Now I’m left somewhere in the in-between land of wanting to share the story but figuring out the best way to do it.

So let’s do this in chronological order than shall we. Thursday I weighed in. Lost 1.6 pounds, yeah. Had a chocolate candy attack in the evening. Oops. Like 20 points worth calculated after the fact. Shockingly 20 points is only like 10 little pieces. Oops again. Anyway, I ran. I had a good run which took some of the sting off from the candy. Friday was date night which ended up being a very different kind of date night. My mom and sister called and were going to see Star Trek in 3D and invited us. We ended up going to the movie theater with them and 2 of my cousins and one of their girlfriends. This is one of those theaters where you order food right at the table. I got a margarita and fries. Should I say we ordered a side of fries and seeing as fries are my favorite food in the world and I have not really indulged in them in like 7 months and of course they brought this GIANT heaping plate of them. Yeah, I ate a lot of fries. Oh well. It honestly didn’t bother me all that much.

Saturday morning I got up and went to the gym with my mom. Had a great run. Had a GREAT stair-climber session. 20 minutes and literally dripping the sweat. Actually I have been thinking a lot about what now for Em and ultimately decided that I should really just join the gym myself. A couple factors motivated me to this decision. The first is that last Sunday I felt like going to the gym but I knew my mom was busy and obviously I could not. I had a feeling this Sunday afternoon would be the same. Plus there was some city Iris Festival going on and therefore they were having a special where the initiation fee was waived so I only had to make a year commitment (which in the grand scheme of things is good for me, cause am I not committed to this for a year???) and it was only $25.00 a month. So I signed up. This gets me unlimited classes (which I will take advantage of at some point) and unlimited tanning (which I’m still debating on because I know how bad it is for you and hello I don’t need cancer) Anyway, I think this is going to be a good decision for me.

So Saturday was gym/old navy to return my size 6 old navy jeans that are too big and I have already ordered new size 4’s which are on their way), and then a Subway for lunch and I’m trying to recall the rest of the evening. Oh, I did take a bath and tried to relax later in the evening. I will get to the reasoning for needing to relax in a moment. Anyhow, pretty much a great on track day. Very proud of myself there. On Saturday with mom at the gym I ended up doing 50 minutes on the treadmill in 2 sessions, 20 minutes on the stair climber and a bunch of arm weights and stuff with my mom.

Sunday morning was a blah day. It started slow and I knew things were going to go slow pretty much all day. I had a yogurt for breakfast, my go-to these days. I headed over to my mom’s and eventually we ran a few errands and had Panera for lunch. I made an executive decision to actually have the “bread baguette” side with my soup and salad instead of switching it out for an apple because I wanted the carbs for an afternoon workout. Sunday also happened to be the Iris Festival half marathon and I saw lots of people in Panera who clearly had run the race. It was pretty motivating and inspiring to see them. Yeah, I know at some point I should run something but I’m just not there yet.

Anyway, eventually at about 3 PM I went to the gym all by myself. I got my new key tag and they took my photo. I am official peeps. Plus I get a “jumpstart” session when I join which I really think is a little walk around and talk with a trainer to show you equipment which I already know how to use most of anyway and to discuss my personal goals, etc. I scheduled it with my mom’s trainer which I kind of already know anyway from going to the gym so much lately. Anyway, Tuesday night at 7 PM is that. I’m kind of excited for it actually.

Can I just say Sunday at 3 PM in a gym is DEAD. Or at least this Sunday at this gym. I mean, it was REALLY dead. Which was kind of nice. A few people walking around. What I have found about the gym is that it is hard for me to mentally make myself go, but once I do I really love it. I love the atmosphere and the vibe of every one of every shape and size wanting to be healthy. I find it amazingly motivating. I had a great workout left to my own accord. I ran. I ran a 5k and then I did some weight machines and then I did another 20 minutes on the stair climber and it says I climbed 1446 steps which is probably true in 20 minutes. Crazy. Then I did 10 minutes on the elliptical just to see how their machines were and if I liked them any better. I don’t. Funny how we each have our own preference. My mom loves the elliptical. It just is eh for me. Love the treadmill and love that stupid stair climber. Just glad I found something else I love.

I then did another run. In total I was the cardio queen yesterday. This is what happens when I really don’t have anything else major to do. I ended up doing 70 minutes running, I never walk on the treadmill it’s always a run. And 20 minutes stair climber and 10 minutes elliptical, so 100 minutes cardio and then some weight stuff. I felt great about that workout and left sometime around 5:15 or so. I was afraid that I might be sore today, but I’m not. All is good.

My eating was pretty good this weekend. Yeah I had candy on Thursday and fries on Friday but honestly my Saturday and Sunday were great so I’d say this was the most successful weekend I’ve had in ages. I am quite pleased with that. I will take it.

NOW… Now it’s time for the other thing that I have been talking about that happened. I don’t want this to come off as petty or mean so I really need to try hard to explain it correctly.

I love Maui. We all know this. I started talking about going back to Maui again I don’t know like in December/January. My whole family knew that we were discussing this. By whole family I do mean, my mom, and my 3 sisters and their families. Anyhow eventually we booked our trip. There was not a lot of other discussion about it. A little while later Mom said she wanted to go to Maui. No problems there at all. Mom loves Maui, she’s been several times and she deserves a great vacation to. She decided to check with my single teacher sister Pamela and they began planning a trip for the beginning of October. Great. I was thrilled for them. They both deserve this and I had no problems. I was the most supportive and happy person for them. Promise you that.

Then they started talking about it and my sister Jen decides she wants to go to Maui with her husband and kids. There are a lot of issues here because Maui is expensive and while Jen is an adult and certainly can spend her money how she wants because of her past financial problems and MANY times when I had to bail her out financially and loan her money it annoys me that when gets a tax refund instead of saving any of it she instantly wants to blow it. I know it’s really none of my business, but I thought it was a dumb move. Anyhow, of course she decides that she wants to go with my mom and sister. I was pissed at the time, months ago, when it was being discussed. But at least my other sister Erin was not going and it was not a family vacation yet.

Fast forward to this week when I guess they finally booked the airfare. Saturday morning in the car before going into the gym my mom says to me, “I want to tell you something but I don’t want you to be mad.” They booked airfare and everyone is going. Like all my sisters, Erin included. My heart instantly sank. I was PISSEDDDD. I was so angry. I want to try and explain to you why. It’s not because I begrudge anyone going to Maui. It’s because suddenly here is a family vacation to Maui and I am not included. No one gave me a thought or consideration. I cannot go in another 3 ½ months. It was never discussed that we wanted to take a family vacation to Maui and then pick a date that works for everyone. I would have gone again later. I just can’t afford to or can’t take another week off of work the beginning of October. Can’t happen. They are all like, you can go. And I’m like, No, No I really can’t. Thanks! I am so hurt. I started balling in the parking lot. I looked at my mom and was like this hurts me so badly you have no idea. It’s like confirmation of what I always feel with this family, that I am the disposable one. That I’m not good enough and everyone else can go and have fun and it doesn’t matter if I’m there or not. I am the least important sister. That is how I feel. No one really even asked me anyway for the record. Mom said I could go on Saturday in the car but no one asked me before then.

Here’s the thing. This is the 2nd family vacation that this has happened to me on. About 4 years ago there was a family vacation to Las Vegas that went down about the same exact way. I was the only one you could not go because I was not considered. Everyone else in my family went to Vegas without me. And now it appears Maui is happening the same way. I just cried. It hurts so badly and so deeply to have it happen like that. It’s fucked up. And then it’s fucked up because my sister Pamela told me that I’m being immature and a child about it.

Logically I know it’s not anyone’s fault. I know this. I understand that I can’t really be mad at anyone in particular over it. I’m not mad at mom or pam. They were going to go on a trip and that was cool. They are both single and deserve to go places. I guess I don’t understand why everyone else had to go at the same time instead of taking their own trips? Now everyone is going to go on this great family vacation and I won’t be there. I am hurt to my core. I told mom I didn’t want to hear a word about it. I didn’t want to see a picture; I didn’t want to hear about it. I just can’t. It hurts too deeply.

I told them I was NOT coming over this weekend and seeing my sister when she comes up and visits. I can’t. I am so hurt and I can’t listen to them talk about it. I just can’t. I don’t think they have any idea what it feels like to be not included because it’s never happened to them. I’m the one who this seems to happen to. It happened once with Vegas and it hurt and I forgave but I moved on. But it’s now happened again and I have to wonder if I really am somehow less important. So yeah, maybe I’m being childish and immature by refusing to come over this next weekend but how can I constantly be asked to be the adult and be the bigger person when I keep getting crushed with such little regard? My anger comes from a complete place of hurt and sadness. It makes me feel like I am completely worthless in this family and therefore why should my presence or lack thereof this weekend make any difference then? Clearly I am not important enough to consider on a family vacation so it shouldn’t matter if I don’t show up for a weekend then.

I don’t know how I’m going to get over this. I really don’t. I told them, and this I mean, the week they are gone all in Maui having a great time. I don’t want to hear it, see it, I won’t log onto Facebook. I don’t want to see any of it. It just hurts too much and shows me that I’m unimportant amongst the people who are supposed to love me. It’s crushing. So fuck them. Okay, I do love them which is why it hurts so much. I tried to explain it to my mom and I think she understood but I doubt my sisters will be as understanding. So as it turns out this weekend I will NOT be seeing my family or my sister when she comes. I just can’t yet.

Saturday is still Chris’s birthday and I will still celebrate. Monday is still my Birthday. I a week from today. And we will go out to eat for our birthday and we will get cupcakes and I will try to be happy regardless of the situation.

So there you have it. A mixed weekend to say the least. I think I worked out so much because I was trying to work out my frustrations literally. I just don’t want any of that drama or negativity to affect my vacation in less than two weeks now. I want and desperately need to enjoy my vacation that I get to take.

Since I am not sore I will run again tonight, but not at the gym. I will run at home and then I will go to the gym tomorrow for my consultation with the trainer. Yeah… I am excited about that. I’ve got to keep with the positive. I do think joining the gym was the right step for me. I am looking forward to experimenting with some of the different classes and hopefully finding something I love. If nothing else I rationalized that paying $25 a month to go on the weekends is probably not a bad investment. Plus the tanning and if I could find 1 class I love paying $25 for like 4 classes a month is still a great price. Of course I’ve got two work weeks til Maui and one more weekend. I don’t think I’m going to do too much before Maui. That will be my plan when I get back from Maui.

Oh, and today I feel happy and healthy and I love my outfit. I’m rocking it so at least there’s that. I have 12 days til Maui… I need to focus on that. Fuck everything else that destroys me.