A Short Story

Good morning world. Today I am feeling much better or “equalized” in terms of my mood. Yeah, sure, I’m still a little hungry but a bit of hunger I actually think is a good thing. I mean, I don’t want to be starving, but I HATE feeling stuffed. There is a balance in there. Anyhow, last night I did something that I have never done before, like a first for me. Not sure if it’s a good first or rather a sign that chemically there was something off in my body and I was going to listen to it. Yeah for listening to my body actually.

Anyway, I was so hungry all day; I knew it was not normal for me to be that hungry. I ate my yogurt for breakfast, I had a banana for a snack, I had a Smart Ones for lunch, I had jello and apple slices for afternoon snack. All the normal things I would have in a day. BUT I was still so hungry I was seriously going to eat my arm so while driving home I made an impromptu decision as I was driving by to pull into a Subway drive thru. I mean, I opted for the Subway drive-thru instead of the McDonalds one located rather close and also on my path home. I was so hungry and had no energy to run so I made the executive decision to eat. At least it was a freaking subway sandwich. I got a 6” turkey on wheat with avocado, lettuce, onions and peppers. And then I literally scarfed the whole thing down before I got home. I was seriously that hungry.

I have never eaten a whole sandwich in the car. We are talking a short drive from the subway to my house but apparently my body just needed it. I was craving chocolate so bad that when I got home instead of eating an actual candy bar I opted for a Fiber One protein bar. Yup, ate that too. And THEN I ran. It was not my best workout ever but it was a run. It was exercise. I sweated. It was work. That is about all I could say about that. I don’t think I could have accomplished that had I not ate the Subway sandwich. I was just so hungry and I decided listening to my body and giving it what it needed was better than starving myself. Plus, it was a stupid sandwich for Pete’s sake. It wasn’t a burger and fries.

Anyhow, eventually I felt better last night. After I ran I decided to do a little clothes try on. Have I mentioned this is one of my favorite activities ever? There is a sense of satisfaction that comes from trying on clothes you’ve worn before for perspectives sake. The thing is this. Lately I have been thinking a lot about Maui obviously. The last time I went to Maui, 2 years ago to get married I was not entirely happy with myself. I managed just fine. I had an amazing time don’t get me wrong, but I am almost certain that I had to weigh somewhere around 160-170 if I was guessing. Total guess by the way. But what totally struck me was how those extra 20-30 pounds makes me not want to do things. Even in Maui. I found myself a little uncomfortable and not wanting to take as many pictures and certainly not enjoying bathing suit time nearly as much.

When I think of Maui and being perfect and happy I think of Maui 2009, when I went weighing what I considered one of my lowest weights. I don’t know where I completely was in terms of my weight, but according to charts I think I was in the 130’s at this time. I don’t 100% know again either but what I do remember is I was crazy happy and confident that whole trip. I wore bikinis and while I certainly wasn’t amazing in them, I was confident enough. That is what I have been trying to get back to this whole time. I wanted Maui 2009 memories. With all that said, I have no major way of gauging where I was at. I have some charts of weight from this time period but they all end before the actual date. I had a recorded weight of 132.5 on April 16 of 2009. I went to Maui the end of May 2009. Since there was no more weight tracking I don’t actually think I stuck to any weight loss plans after that period of time. I am sure I went to Maui weighing more than 132 pounds.

The goal simply was to get around there so I felt confident enough to wear a bikini again. Even with my scarred not perfect body I still want to be able to wear one. I am not expecting perfection by any means. Just happiness. Anyhow, all this is really leading up to a point. The point is the only thing I had to judge my progress or comparison of Maui 2009 to now is one pair of shorts that I wore in 2009. Yes, I have dresses and clothes but they are not as form fitting so one can’t really tell anything from those. I have a pair of shorts I wore while zip-lining the first time in Maui. I remember that when I wore them they were tight and slightly uncomfortable but I wore them because I could not wear a skirt to zipline. I had to wear shorts. I remember the entire time not being totally comfortable in them because they were a little too snug. Anyhow, guess who found those same pair of shorts in a drawer? I honestly found them a few weeks ago and told myself that I was not going to try them on because I did not want to disappoint myself. I was afraid. Fear is an ugly thing. But I was trying to save myself from a downward spiral. In case they were too tight I just didn’t want to do that to myself.

Last night was the night. I thought what the hell. I was just hoping they would fit me. As I slid them on I realized that holy shit they fit, but they are too big. I did a double take and verified these were the same zipline shorts that I remember being a little too snug. There is too much room in them now. The thighs don’t hug and the waist has inches in it. Hmm….



This leads me to a conclusion that I must be smaller now than I was Maui 2009??? Is that even possible? At 143 pounds now today I am smaller than I was in June of 2009? I know all the exercise that I am giving myself has toned things up and made me smaller. But I was just not expecting that much give in those shorts. So the simple answer is this. I must be smaller, albeit, just a little, than I was in Maui 2009. That has simply been my ultimate goal all along. To go to Maui feeling as happy and confident as I did in 2009. Assuming I don’t screw it up somehow in the next 16 days, yes its 16 days away, and no, I don’t see how I could screw it up majorly in the next 16 days; the goal is going to become a “real” reality. 16 days and I WILL wear a bikini.

Now today here shortly I am heading to the DMV to renew my license which unfortunately expires on my birthday in 12 days so I have no choice but to wait in the dreaded DMV lines. Yuck. But at least my new driver’s license photo won’t be a “fat” photo. So that is nice too. Anyhow, that’s about all I got for the morning.