Forgotten Photos

I was unloading the camera to free up space for Maui and realized that I had never downloaded my photos from my Feb 2012 trip to Disneyland and boy oh boy did I find some doozies in terms of photos on there.... Since there is nothing like photographic evidence I thought I'd share. I mean, I love seeing other people's photos ad visual evidence... so here are my lovely photos..



And less we forget how far I've actually come here are photos taken in the last couple days to compare:



Do you notice in that one recent photo, see those legs and those RUNNERS's Calves.. .yup I am proud of those calves, that is one GIANT muscle there... like my only muscle ha... but I have awesome lower legs, the top not so much, but those calves are killer. Love it.

I'm a tweeting!

Holy shit its Thursday. I did not weigh myself this morning… wait, scratch that, I DID weigh myself this morning and I did not like the number so I am not calling it official yet. I am going to wait until Saturday morning before I get on the plane I guess to record my pre-Hawaii weight. It doesn’t matter at all honestly I believe that. There is a part of me that is feeling like I am spiraling out of control and then there is the part of me that is like, this is called maintenance Em. Plus, one can hardly say that I’m spiraling out of control when I have worked out so much as of late which I honestly suspect is the real reason that the weight is stalling. Is it really stalling anyway??? This is my true age old issue. Honestly it is. I get to a certain point and it is just not possible for me to go anywhere with it.

If I’m being fair I have totally upped the intensity of workouts and the variety but this has left me a lot hungrier and therefore I know I have ate more. That’s probably pretty natural I think. I’d say that the last week or two I have really been focusing on becoming more well-rounded in terms of athleticism and I am happy about that for sure but it’s ironic that when you tear and break down your muscles that the scale suddenly stops. You’d think that if you worked harder at the gym you’d lose more weight. Not necessarily true. The irony is that in order to achieve weight loss you practically have to not build muscle which is beyond stupid. I want muscle so I guess I accept the scale as it is.

Last night at the gym I did a Dumbbell fit class. I liked it a lot but of course activated a whole new slew of previously untouched muscles. I feel like every day I wake up with new kinds of sore on all different parts of my body. Been that way for well over a week now. I guess this is a good thing all things considered. I do definitely feel like I am getting stronger already but of course I wish my hunger would subside a little bit. I feel like I have no willpower these days. Where did all that go?

Doesn’t matter much right now right? I have less than 48 hours and I will be on a plane heading to the most beautiful place in the world in my opinion anyway. Whatever damage or whatever I’m going to be I’m going to be. Not much that can be done in 48 hours’ time anyway. It’s not like I really slacked in May honestly. The two previous trips to Maui I know for certain the month before I was not exercising or caring at all so I’m definitely ahead of the game. 2 days before and I exercised last night.

I’ve got things to do tonight. I have to give myself permission to take the night off from exercise because tonight I have plans. I have to dye my hair, I have to apply my fake tanning bronzer and oh yeah, I have to finish packing up a bunch of crap and figure out how to get some movies onto my I-pad for my flight. 10 days is a decent amount of time to be gone and I really want to be as prepared as I can be.

I need to step back and breathe. This is exactly what I have been working so hard for, for the past 7 months, to be able to go to Maui and be happy and healthy and love myself and enjoy myself. It is here so I need to not get so stressed and freak out about the scale or eating chocolate. I just need to live my life and enjoy it. I need to get out of my head a little bit if that is even possible. I don’t know, some days you just don’t feel it.

I know no one ever said weight loss of maintenance or anything having to do with health and nutrition was easy. If it was easy everyone would be happy and confident and healthy. It is one damned hard journey and just because you are “there” doesn’t mean that it’s not hard, EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!! It is hard. Motivation, will power, wellness. Sometimes I just don’t want to and other days I have all the motivation in the world.

I think that I have a semi-plan in place for myself. I am going to go to Maui. I am not going to worry about my food choices. I’m going to try and be as good and healthy and active as possible. I am praying the nice warm weather will make me want to be active. Right now I am still cold and that makes me so inactive. And then when I get back from Maui I might weigh myself once, I might now. I don’t know if I want to know. Then I think I am going to get RIGHT back at it. I am going to immediately go back to weight watchers 101. Start by tracking my food for a week or so and actually making the healthy conscious decisions that I haven’t been making lately. This always happens to me, early vacation indulgences. But when I get back its right back to it and of course right back to the gym. And Phase 2. I can do this!

I don’t know my attitude today kind of sucks really. Don’t ever think just because you have lost weight that you don’t constantly need help and guidance and inspiration and motivation. This is for the rest of my life and it is fucking hard!!! Okay that is my rant. Oh, I added my twitter feed to a page up at the top of this one. I am liking posting on twitter more often. I posted pictures yesterday… it’s so easy to do and I could so see that becoming a fun way for me to keep up on my daily life. It’s easier to do than this or Facebook and of course I don’t want all of my “Facebook” acquaintances to know about this blog or see my narcissistic weight loss posts or pictures, they just wouldn’t understand. Twitter I can keep for my more weight-loss related stuff and I like that. I’m having fun anyway.

Okay, that’s about it for the day for this post, but I suspect I will continue tweeting all day long :)

Feel the difference

Okay so it’s Wednesday already. I guess this is what happens when you have a Monday off, suddenly you find yourself almost half way thru the week. Yippee to that. I can’t believe its May 29. Insane. I started setting stuff out on the bed last night for Hawaii and I’ll be damned it looks like a lot of stuff already especially to go to a place where in theory you wear “less” clothes. I say in theory because you still have to wear clothes and suddenly the smaller I am the more ensembles I want to bring and then the more shoes which really are the things that take up space after all.

Here’s an interesting thing that is occurring to me, as I get closer to my vacation I am getting more and more concerned about the reality of 10 days off of exercise so much so that my brain is starting to say, NO WAY and by that I mean, I am packing two workout outfits to take with me and I’ve started to have discussions with my husband about it. He made a fabulous suggestion last night. There is a place in another town over from where we are staying, where he really likes to snorkel. It is a resort type place with lots of sprawling golf courses. I remember last time we were there walking to the beach and seeing all these trails around the golf course and seeing runners. Chris suggested that we both go and he snorkels and I get to run around the trail. I thought this was a divine idea. I would love to get in a run in Maui and feel like I was somewhere amazing running and there is nowhere more amazing that Maui but I was concerned about running on the streets with traffic and not really knowing where I was going. But a gorgeous golf course. THAT I can do. Now I’m kind of excited for that actually.

This is my activity plan of attack for my vacation. One day I want to kayak. I just think it would be fun for both Chris and I to do. Plus arm workout. One day I am thinking that we would like to drive to Hana and make stops for hikes into the forest more, as per a book of course, take some hiking trails to water falls. There are lots of them of course. And then when in the ocean, while Chris is doing more snorkeling than I care to do, I will swim. Like swim for the purpose of exercise to tire my arms out. And of course that leaves the running. I will be thrilled if I run once. Honestly. I am on vacation after all. This doesn’t mean that in the room or even sitting on the beach I can’t do a couple other exercises as well. I have learned a few tricks this last week or so. Some very simple yet highly effective exercises I could do to keep me going. No it won’t be a full out cardio sweat session but it will be something.

Honestly my body is not happy with the idea of taking 10 days off so I really better not. Moreover I don’t think I would be too happy with myself period. I think I would have a more enjoyable vacation if I could sneak in some activity. Who the fuck is this girl I have become? I love it.

Someone commented yesterday and it totally hit me as a duh, of course that makes sense, should have thought of that myself kind of thing. Normally tomorrow would be my weigh-in, but honestly I am a little freaked with the whole horrible eating and of course the copious amounts of additional and different exercise I have been giving my body so the thing is, why not wait until Friday or even Saturday morning before we leave to weigh myself. I like this a lot actually because it gives me a true baseline for my pre-vacation weight. Not that it totally matters but I suspect years down the line I will be looking thru charts and graphs for that number. Most likely before I go to Maui in 2015. I try to go every 2 years. I will want to know what I weighed before my 2013 trip. I’m just sick that way. But I don’t seem to ever go to Maui not being at least somewhat thin. I can’t go weighing 220 pounds. It would just make me miserable I suspect. Oh yeah, plus I am never going to be 220 pounds again so that is a moot point right?

Last night I hit the gym where I killed it with a 5k run. I did it in 28 and a half minutes or something like that. Good nice warm up session. Okay, I was sweating like a pig. Whatever. Then at 6 PM mom and I were going to do Zumba. I took a Zumba on a Saturday morning weeks ago with one instructor. I didn’t LOVE LOVE it. It was fine but eh. I didn’t think I worked that hard actually. It was way more dance-y than I cared for. Then last Thursday I took Zumba with a different instructor and I DID love it. She was so much more aerobic and I sweated my ass off and I adored it. She was supposed to be teaching the class last night so I was excited. Come to find out that the class was turned over to a different girl who is in training to be an instructor. It was a total dance session. She stopped multiple times to show us the steps. Hello, I am not here to learn your dance routine as your back up dancer, I want to sweat my ass off. My workout time is limited and precious and I have far better things to do than shake my arms as your back up dancer. I HATED it. So much so that after 30 minutes of NOT sweating. Of shuffling my feet back and forth trying to figure out her complicated routine that I looked at my mom and said I am leaving, my time is better served elsewhere. I felt a little guilty but I wasn’t doing myself any favors by sticking around another ½ hour.

I had every intention of hitting the stair climber but they were all in use so I had to go back to the treadmill where I did another 5k run, this one a little slower, around 30 minutes. So overall I ran for like an hour, 6.3 miles. I’ll take it. Tonight I am going to the gym again, but won’t run. I did not pack my running shoes as to not be tempted. Tonight will be more about weights and strength training, etc. I am hoping to do the stair climber tonight as well. I am going to try a 5:30 class called Dumbbell fitness. It’s just a ½ hour class but obviously something different for me. Yeah.

I have to say I am really pleased with my decision to join the gym. I had no idea I would like it so much. I feel so in my element there it’s crazy. I thought my insecurities would get the best of me, and at times I feel them creep in and I have to pull myself back but for the most part I love the environment and being around it so much that it’s a great thing for me. My runs are even better there. My pressure to succeed I guess drives me. I just love looking out and seeing a whole place where people are pushing themselves and I want it so bad. I am glad I did not wait until after Maui to join as was my original intention. Now that I’ve taken a few classes and have gone fairly consistently the past 2 weeks I see that it is something I love and have something to look forward to upon my return. I’ve always taken a step back after Maui vacations because I’m still in my lazy-fare I don’t care attitude upon my return. That is not going to be the case this time as I am excited for my trip, yes, totally however I’m excited for phase 2 upon my return. I’m going to get the trainer and I’m going to get strong.

I honestly can’t believe Saturday is almost here and I will be on a plane headed to Hawaii. Wow. Time does go. So that’s about where I’m at today. I can honestly say that I am at a place I have NEVER been in almost 10 years of doing this. This is the very first time that I have ever developed or thought about a phase 2. This is the first time I’ve ever been committed to a gym or a trainer or strength training or me beyond getting to goal and running. This is the very first time I am at this mental space in my mind and that is exactly why I think this might finally be the time where I get it, where it is going to work for me forever. I feel so different, I mean I believe I just talked about bringing workout clothes on vacation with me. That is DEFINITELY a first.

Time is not on my side

I cannot believe that it is May 28th already. I have had an incredibly busy couple days and of course I am already feeling amazing amounts of stress for the upcoming couple days. There is nothing like knowing you are going on vacation in a couple days to make you not only happy but incredibly stressed about all the tasks you must accomplish. I will be gone for 10 days which is actually a long time and I have to make sure all my ducks are in a row beforehand. That means today I am actually feeling some major stress. Lovely. I suddenly realized that I have 4 days to accomplish everything not only at work but at home. Ugh.

I can’t believe it’s been since Thursday since I had an update. I feel like there is so much to write about but clearly not enough time as for aforementioned stress and lots to do is setting in. My bosses are getting a “sub” for me at work which is good I guess but that means I have to come up with a list of what I do and how to do it. I always love that; NOT! The sub is just one of my boss’s wives mom. So basically she will be here a couple hours a day to try and keep things somewhat going.

So in terms of me and my health and fitness and well-being. This weekend was a true mixed bag. I had a few highs and a few lows. Thursday night I did Zumba at the gym which was with a different instructor than the previous Zumba I took which I was only eh about. This one I really liked. It was much more aerobic and I had fun. Friday night I just came home and ran on my treadmill for an hour and then Chris and I went to dinner, Mexican food, where I ate too much including a margarita. Would have been fine if my Saturday didn’t turn into gorge-fest. Saturday morning I did get up and go to the gym for what turned out to be the highlight of my weekend. I did the stair climber machine for 30 minutes and then I did some weights while I waited for a 10 AM total body boot camp.

Yup, at 10 AM Saturday morning this girl was killing it at the gym and I loved every second. Boot camp was amazing and I will definitely be doing it again after my return from Maui. I loved it so much. Of course it ended up leaving my body kind of sore. I kind of thought that would happen as I worked many muscles that clearly I rarely ever work. That is a good thing! After boot camp I went and got cupcakes to celebrate Chris’s birthday and my birthday. This ended up being a mistake. Go figure. I got 6 of them and in the course of the weekend ate like 3 of them before giving them away. These are not small little cupcakes either, they are crazy big, crazy amazing decedent cupcakes. Ah well. Saturday Chris’s dad came down and we went to Panera bread for lunch. I did end up going and seeing my sister and her kiddos. I love my kiddos too much to stay away from them despite whatever I might be feeling in terms of my place in the family otherwise.

Saturday night Chris’s dad took us out to dinner to celebrate our mutual birthdays. We ended up at Olive Garden. I ordered the seafood bordetto which is quite healthy but what was not healthy is the margarita and like 4 or 5 breadsticks I ate. Ooops again. I’d say really oops because the minute we got in the car coming home I felt so sick. I was dying to get into the house and make myself feel better. I ended up throwing up just a little bit. I know, gross and too much information, but apparently my body really doesn’t handle excess well. I swore Sunday would be better. It really wasn’t all that much better unfortunately.

I did not exercise as my body was completely sore. Sunday was my day off. I honestly barely remember what transpired food wise. It wasn’t great I am thinking. It also wasn’t terrible terrible. Yesterday was my birthday and I was determined to be healthy. I got up and went to the gym with my mom. Unfortunately my body was still achy but it was better than before so I pushed thru. I did a 30 minute run. I did more weights than I normally do and finished up with 30 minutes on the stair climber. Decent enough. Nothing to write home about but a workout. We grabbed a quick Quiznos for lunch before heading to the outlet mall where I hit up Nike and got some adorable new sneakers.

I snacked on some stupid foods the rest of the day but nothing crazy terrible actually. Overall the weekend was okay but I guess given how busy I was overall it was okay. Obviously I am missing a lot of stuff in there activity-wise but those were the highlights I guess.

Having a birthday kind of sucks. I know as a kid you love it and look forward to it. As an adult it just kind of sucks. It reminds you life is going by and of course brings up all these weird emotions. I was fine on Chris’s birthday, yesterday, my birthday, slightly depressing. I’m glad it is now the 28th and officially over.

I have too much to do and then of course things I “want” to do on top of it. Plan for today is I have to go to Rite-Aid as I have money there, there Ups that are expiring today. I don’t particularly want to go, but I have to. I have a bunch of work errands to do this afternoon/today. Then after work I am going to go to the gym and I am going to run for ½ an hour hopefully and then attend 6 PM Zumba class.

Wednesday night I am going to the gym and am going to try out a new class and then get in a great workout. Wed Chris works late so it’s my dedicated gym night. Thursday night I am taking off from exercise as it’s my night to totally pack and get ready. I have to dye my hair as well. Friday night Chris has to work late as well so that kind of sucks. I am certain that I will exercise. Not sure if it will be gym or just a run at home. Probably kind of depends on how much stuff I have to do.

Why do I feel like I need a vacation to prepare for my vacation??? I need to start making a serious list of all of my “must” packs and things to get done. I am quite concerned that I want to pack too many clothes; certainly more than I need for a 10 day vacation and that they might not all fit in my suitcase. Ugh. Also I feel completely bloated. I think it’s perhaps the combination of all the “new” exercises and lifting I’ve been doing plus eating like a crap-tastic pig these last few days. Not good. Also stress. We all know stress does not good things for our bodies.

I am just going to try and calm myself down and eat healthy and well for the next couple days. The thing is I have a whopping 4 days counting today before I get on the plane Saturday morning. I can finish this out strong and remain focused for 4 days.

I have a confession to make, one I am not proud of AT ALL. In all of my infinite wisdom and understanding of myself and my inner workings I slipped up this weekend. For some reason, in a moment of weakness, during a pity party I stepped on the scale one night. What on earth possessed me to do that I really don’t know. I think it honestly was a form of self-torture I was inflicting as a punishment for the crap I was eating. It was in an evening after I’d had eaten and was sore, etc. The number was not pretty at all and it just depressed me as I thought it would. It made me entirely scared to want to weigh myself Thursday morning for sure. I logically know that a Thursday morning weigh-in will be different than a weekend evening weigh-in but it still makes me nervous. I suppose I should because I don’t want to go to Maui with that last number in my brain. But I’m scared that I’m going to gain weight this week. My attitude has sucked since Thursday. It’s been oh I can eat more it won’t kill me. Oh that extra piece of bread won’t hurt me. Not a great attitude at all.

But I am going to do look at it like this. Get thru this week and it’s not like I’m completely off my rocker. Since Thursday I exercised 3 of 4 days and of course in the next 4 days I plan to exercise 3 of the 4. I’m not going all rouge here on my ultimate plan. I of course intend to enjoy myself in Maui for 10 days and then get myself back in gear, back on focus, back to tracking my food and back to the gym immediately upon my return. Phase 2 as I keep saying. I am completely dedicated and newly excited about Phase 2 of me. I just have to remember that. I have to go do some work stuff. Time is not my friend today.

Rockstar, 100!

Well hello Thursday, we meet again. Today I did weigh myself. Today I lost .4 pounds which means I am exactly 141 today. This is rather insignificant to me. The current weight that is. For the first time in months or probably years if I’m being honest the weight on the scale didn’t really matter to me. What I mean is this. I was not expecting anything at all since I worked VERY hard this week. I know in the grand scheme of things I worked way to hard this week to see any real results on the scale. But I no longer want results on the scale. My mentality has totally shifted which is why I don’t really care about that silly number.

Weight loss is important as it is one of the only real trackable measurable means of success we have when we are attempting weight loss on our own. Yes, the more important judge is truly the mirror and how you feel and the fit of your clothes but as far as an actual measurable item the scale pretty much sums it up. But once you hit a certain point. (And I have very much hit that point now), the scale starts to get iffy as a real trackable tool.

Case in point. I weigh 141 pounds this morning. I put on a pair of size 4 Old Navy Rockstar skinny jeans and they are a perfect sliming fit. I have never, like EVER, worn a pair of size 4 anything. That wasn’t even in my realm of possibility at any point in my life. And here’s the thing. In the last couple weeks, like two or three tops but more like week or two I just “feel” so strong and toned and holy shit my legs, like all of them feel muscle.

In the last week I’ve had more people tell me that I look amazing and that every time they see me I look smaller and smaller. Just in the last week. And you know what, I feel that much smaller. But more importantly I feel so fucking healthy it’s crazy. Going to the gym this past week has done a mind shift for me completely.

Actually this last week instead of focusing any attention or energy on weight-loss and instead shifting my focus to get strong and healthy I have seen a total difference in so many parts of my life. Let me recap this last week for you. Thursday night I ran at home an hour. Took Friday off. Saturday I went to the gym where we spent 2 hours of doing stuff. Sunday I went to the gym again where another 2 ½ hours were spent doing stuff. Monday night I ran at home for an hour. Tuesday night was another 1 ½ at the gym. I did take off last night. 3 of my 5 workouts this week were at the gym where I did do different stuff than I normally do. Yes, I still ran for sure, but there was some other stuff as well. So yes Virginia, I am starting to see the light. Also, based on this information I did so much exercise this week I wasn’t expecting any weight loss, plus, let’s be honest as I get smaller it really does get harder to drop weight. Did I mention I’m wearing a pair of size 4 jeans. Ha.

I’ve never really been one who gets too caught up in sizes or gloating or anything like that. This is the honest to God truth. I love being healthy and strong. I want to be perceived as fit and strong. And I’ll be damned if I would honestly give everything I had if someone asked to help them achieve it for themselves. I completely believe in the concept of helping anyone else along on their own journey. I believe in this feeling so much that I want everyone I care about to have it to.

By no means is my body perfect or is there not tons of room for improvement. Oh boy, that is what phase 2 is about. Improvement. I don’t expect the scale to ever move too much from here on out. As I plan on kicking ass and building muscle which probably is going to keep me relatively close to the same weight on the scale. I guess what all this means is that I don’t particularly care what the scale says so much right now. Within reason. I don’t want the scale going up a bunch. But truly in my heart I know the best measure of my success is how I look in the mirror and feel about the girl I see. The best measure of my success is how my clothes are fitting.

I really want to bottle the feeling I have today so I can tap into it while I’m in Maui and of course when I return from Maui in case my desire and motivation are lacking. I am going to have to flag this post mentally so that I can re-read it when I return to remind myself of how good I feel right now. I think I should use the same mentality I used on my Vegas mini-vacation… I can indulge but not binge. That is a great way to look at it. I am certainly going to indulge. Mostly in fruity alcoholic beverages, and I can have food treats but just because I am in Hawaii is no reason to go all crazy and binge on shit that I normally wouldn’t eat. Plus the truth is, I don’t want to be sick and I am certain eating crap that I haven’t ate in months would make me sick. Moderation.

I need to trust myself and have faith that I will make good decisions or the best decisions I can. I need to have faith that I have worked very hard and I need to give myself more credit. Give myself and my body more credit I guess. I do have a lot of muscle already and those muscles are working at burning calories every day.

Tonight I am going to the gym where I will do a little warm up run. I might try to run faster than I normally do as I honestly know I won’t be doing it that long. I get off work at 5 and then have to drive to the gym which means I won’t be there until about 5:20 or so. Mom and I are going to do Zumba at 6 PM so that honestly only gives me like ½ an hour to work out beforehand. Chris works late tonight so I can do something AFTER Zumba I guess. But honestly I will probably be tired at that point. Right now I’m just testing the waters.

Tomorrow is Friday and I will probably just come home from work and run tomorrow night. I can plan on a nice long run tomorrow night after work. Then Saturday is Chris’s Birthday and he actually has the weekend off. However, I am going to go to the gym Saturday morning anyway. I am really eying doing a 10AM Total Body Boot Camp class. I’ve looked at it before or rather watched them and was intrigued. I think Saturday might be the day. I don’t know about Sunday yet and of course Monday is my birthday, Memorial Day and I honestly think the best gift I could give myself is my health and a killer workout. So Monday I am definitely going to work out. Since I have the day off anyway. And then you realize that is it. I’m like 8 days away from getting on a plane. Yes indeed. And don’t worry I plan on taking LOTS of pictures on vacation. I will post them on Facebook and try and post some here too. But mostly when I get back there will be lots of photos.

Oh and I have to say how fitting that today I am talking about feeling so happy and healthy and strong and not caring about the scale which I truly mean and guess what, this is my 100th post of the year. Are you freaking kidding me. I couldn’t even manage more than a few posts each year for the past couple years and now, and now… 2013 I’ve got 100 posts. This is how we know that my heart is exactly where it should be. I am KILLING it!!!

Oh, and by the way Old Navy Rockstar Skinny jeans are the best thing ever. So fucking comfortable. Can you believe in October 2012 just a week before I decided to make a change I bought 3 new pairs of them in a size 18. And 7 ½ months later, size 4. AMAZING!

Oh, and I’ve decided to venture into the world of twitter a little. I’ve toyed with the idea for a long time. Mainly because my bosses aren’t on twitter so they won’t know when I post shit, unlike Facebook, where I am friends with them and therefore they can see my activity if I spent my entire days posting away. Ha. Twitter is quite different but so far so good….

Anyway, happy 100 posts today.

Personal Assessment

Holy shit my friends, in my wildest dreams I could not have guessed what happened last night at my fitness “Assessment” at the gym. Sure, I had an idea of what was going to be said. Less cardio, more strength training (and by more I mean some; ha!) Which is what was said. But the other stuff; could not have guessed.

Let me say this, whatever crazy funk I was in yesterday I really did snap out of it at the gym which is exactly why I love exercise and health and fitness so much. It is just plain old good for my soul. I got to the gym and went to the treadmill. I like to warm up with a 5k run. There really is something about the gym that makes me work harder than I ever do at home. But I was totally feeling it despite thinking I would be in a horrible funk so I kept going. I ran 6.2 miles in right around 60 minutes. And I felt great. I then did some weight machines and then only had time for a 15 minute stair climber session.

I walked into my assessment obviously dripping sweat. My mom was there; she was at the gym which translated into her being there for my assessment. It was not necessary nor did I care one bit though that she was. It was with her personal trainer and it was cool. Someone else hearing the words is always good anyway. It’s like when you go to the doctor and get news it’s probably best to have someone else listen in case they hear things differently than you.

Anyway, so I kind of end up telling her a little of my back story. That in the last 9 years this is the 3rd time I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. That I’ve been 220 to 130 in my life and done that not once, not twice, but the 3rd time. Hell, it could even be more than that but for now I think of 3 major times I’ve done this. The original time, 9 years ago, 4 years ago when I went to Maui the first time and had my gall-bladder removed and then now. I know there were other times in between but they were of less significance.

Anyhow, These are the points I would like to make or things that were very nice compliments or rather that left that warm and fuzzy feeling in my heart.

1. She asked me what I weighed now and I said around 140 and she said, you look great, that is a great weight for you. I wouldn’t focus on losing more weight but toning up.

2. How old are you? I said I’ll be 34 next week and she said, wow, I seriously was going to say in your 20’s. Nice compliment. (I know that generally speaking I do look younger than my age, thank goodness for great genetics from my mom who looks great for her age!)

3. She told me I was obviously a dedicated, fit, healthy person.

And then there is one more that gets its own story here in a minute. She took all my info and put my height/weight etc into a program they have and I kind of got a whole Biggest Loser Know Your Number kind of feeling from it. It said my biological age was 34 but my inside age was 31. Yeah!!! I was not expecting that. She told me this was great as she just had a 24 year old in there who had the inside age of like 46 or something. She said that I was obviously in great shape and I looked great and I didn’t necessarily need to do more if I didn’t want to, but since I was sitting there at the gym that obviously I wanted more and she 100% said toning it up. Which I knew. Taking it to that next level of fitness and health.

I told her that the 3rd time is the charm and I am not going to ever do this again and that I was looking for answers now to keep this permanent. That here I am, I am at goal and now I need to set a new goal or figure out how to do this. Honestly she said so many things that really resonated with me.

She then broke out that body fat testing machine. She said that the numbers are skewed after you just work out which I obviously had and that my numbers would be higher than they really are. That you are supposed to rest before hand to get a true reading but she’d take it anyway as a baseline. My body fat percentage came back at 25% which she told me was GREAT. She said it was on the low range of healthy. Something like an athlete is 19-24% body fat and an average healthy woman is 25-33% so I am on the low range of that. She told me that she was confident that easily I should be in the athletic range as clearly I was athletic.

I guess I must have talked openly and passionately about stuff as I tend to get really passionate from time to time about health and stuff. Plus in terms of being open and honest about my struggles and where I’ve been I have no problems freely sharing that. Then out of nowhere, this is the thing that totally made me go, oh. One of those ah ha moments I guess she was like… you need to get a personal trainer, work out for a while and then I honestly can one day see you sitting on the other side of this table doing my job. I can see you being a trainer. I paused because previously when I have gotten to goal the thought has crossed my mind. It is not the first time this bug has been planted in my head. It was just crazy amazing to hear it, completely unsolicited, from a trainer I just met.

She told me that I had an amazing story that people would relate to, that I was obviously passionate and she could just see it. I told her that I would love to incorporate this world into my daily life as a job. I’ve often thought that. There would be nothing more motivating and nothing to keep you more accountable than that. She told me she could see me taking the classes and even still working full time while I became certified.

Obviously she said that I needed to start from the ground up and that was to first do personal training sessions which I agree with. I kind of knew I needed them going in, which in the back of my mind is kind of why I joined the gym to begin with. I am where I want to be in terms of something and need to set new goals. She told me that without a doubt I needed them for the strength training and that I’d see amazing results with adding that in. That obviously I had the cardio and endurance down and my body is clearly a sponge in terms of fitness so it is so possible to be toned and fit. I told her I did not want to be stick thin but curvy, healthy and FIT.

She told me that I am 100% doing too much cardio. That I need to quit. That ½ an hour 3-4 days a week is enough. Ooops. That I need to apply that time and energy to building my muscle now. That she knows I’m worried about gaining weight back but she promises if I build muscle it won’t happen. That good things will happen. She also said she understands the runner’s high. I told her yup, it’s a high that I crave. I am a cardio junkie!!!

She wants me to sign up for weekly sessions and I honestly don’t believe it’s because she wants the business I believe it’s because she believes it is the best thing for me. And honestly I wouldn’t be sitting in that room discussing it with her if I didn’t believe it to. I told her I have another week and a half until Maui and then it was pretty much my goal when I get back to start something new. To being the next phase of my journey.

She said classes and personal training. Take some of the other classes the gym offers which I totally was going to. It was single handedly the most refreshing hour I’ve had in a long time. She told me of course if we were sitting there in October having this discussion this would be a whole other story. But right now I am in great shape, perfectly healthy, I look great and obviously have a great fitness level but it’s now time to take it to the next level and make this my true lifestyle from here on out. I whole heartedly agree. She said we could do the body fat test thing again later to see if it’s really lower or not.

For right now this next week and a half I am still going to run. I am going to go to the gym. I might try a class or two but I am going to finish what I started and go to Maui ending phase 1 of my healthy lifestyle plan. Phase 2 will begin when I return and will most likely include personal training and less cardio :( I am honestly still not sure how I feel about less cardio. I really do love that runner’s high. But I am excited about lowering my body fat percentage. I could see that as an obtainable/trackable goal. Something to work towards and God knows I need to work towards something. The food stuff is important for sure but as I gain more muscle all that will take care of itself. I guess what I’m saying is I’m moving into another phase of my journey where the scale matters a whole hell of a lot less.

Honestly it’s very hard to be upset if the scale doesn’t move as clearly I am in great shape and clearly this last week I have killed it with exercise and nutrition. Plus the trainer looked at me and thought I was in my 20’s and healthy and I looked great and didn’t really need to lose any weight. That is a compliment. Oh and that she saw in me what it takes to be a trainer. That she didn’t become a trainer until her late 30’s so it’s totally possible.

Overall I was so impressed. Guys, look what can happen in like 7 months if you just put your mind to it. Look at the change you can really make if you want something. If you embrace that inner athlete that lives in all of us. In 7 months, 8 months, 12 months, 2 years… your life CAN be different. I am living proof of that. And also that falling down doesn’t mean failure. You can pick yourself up and try all over again. And again. And again. Ha.

Phase 1 is pretty much coming to an end for me and I was so blah about what phase 2 was going to be but I knew I needed a solid phase 2 in order to not fall back into old habits and after last night I feel re-energized and motivated to tackle phase 2. I feel like where I’m at now is a place I have been before. The “end” of my weight loss journey to 140 pounds and this is the point where it’s all fallen apart before because I just never took it to the next level. I know inside of me is a warrior. I know there is this fierce athletic fit girl and I am crazy excited to tap into her. I am excited to actually tackle phase 2 and become the girl I’ve always wanted to be. The girl I always knew I could be in my heart if I’d just let her out.

This girl is going to kick some serious ass and make it happen. I’m saying it now. I am going to lower my body fat percentage. I am going to get a personal trainer. I am going to take classes and I am going to build muscle. I am excited. But phase 2 is after my Maui trip.

Anyway, obviously, I am a little happy today because it was such good news yesterday overall. Today I am not exercising. Taking the day off and then tomorrow I will go to the gym and do a zumba class probably with my mom. Something different right :) Of course tomorrow morning is weigh-in too. I don’t care so much about the scale weight right now but I would still like to eventually see 139.9 on the scale before Maui. I don’t know though because I really worked EXTRA hard this week which usually backfires on me. Either way none of it matters because I am about to unleash the beast inside me… and it’s going to be a fun ride and I’m so glad I have this place to share all about it. I love you all for reading this and continuing to inspire me and challenge me and keep me going. I may not “know” every one of you but I love you anyway….

Have a fabulous day my friends.

Embrace Life, get over the blah

So I watched the 20 minute plus story of Zach Sobiech this morning. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go here: http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-just-died-what-he-left-behind-is-wondtacular-rip It’s really a sad but inspiring story. Basically this teenage boy got diagnosed with terminal cancer and decided to live his life. He passed away yesterday. Amazing story. But the thing is, it totally puts life into perspective does it not? Here’s this 17 year old kid told he has months to live who really is living his life and enjoying every moment that he has here, acknowledging that each moment is a gift. While I know all the classic reasons why we don’t embrace every moment on earth it’s hard to imagine why we as a society aren’t more in tune with the miracle that is just breathing every day.

We take so much for granted. We spend far too much of our live worrying about the things that do not matter. I am of course completely guilty of this. There is unfortunately no real way to stop this. As amazing as the story is, I’m also slightly sad to. It left me a little depressed. Which I mean, I guess it should because I have a heart and all. It’s so sad that life is so ridiculously unfair. And also now I’m sad because we can’t embrace each day with pure abandonment because we have consequences and bills and daily life to attend to. Although tomorrow is never guaranteed. Just sad.

I am left feeling blah about it all and probably so because I look out my window and see nasty gray clouds. It’s sad. And then I start thinking about my family situation and I get sad. I think about my husband and for some stupid reason we aren’t really connecting lately and that makes me sad. Blah. I am sure I am just experiencing a case of the blah’s.

I should try and be more positive, especially in light of the video I just invested my time into this morning. His whole message was to embrace life. And here I am being a sad little bitch. What the hell do I have to complain about really? I have a great house, a great husband who loves me, a fabulous vacation happening in 11 days, my birthday in a week, and I like the woman I am in the mirror. Seriously shut the fuck up Emily, you have nothing to be blah about.

As we all know, what one sees, and what is really going on are never the same exact thing are they. I try to keep this place as real and honest and candid as I can without stepping on anyone’s toes or saying more than I really should. But things are never completely as they appear. How can they be? This blog is told my sole perspective as these are all my words and thoughts and feelings. Unto itself it becomes biased and skewed by nature. Just saying.

I know my family loves me. I know they never intentionally excluded me from vacation. I know they would love to have me go on the vacation. I really do know this. I am not really mad at anyone because I do know all of this to be true. It is VERY hard for me to be mad at anyone over the situation. I can’t be. And yet I am mad about the situation as a whole. I think that is the most frustrating part. I am not mad and I don’t want to be mad at any one person. It is no one’s fault and I know I am more than welcome. But, how can I tell my heart to feel something that it doesn’t? How can I suddenly be happy and okay when I am sad? I am just hurt and upset about the whole situation. That now I am once again not going and won’t get to be part of it. For ANOTHER family vacation. Whether intentional or unintentional, and I know it’s unintentional, it still hurts the same.

But honestly, I know in time I will get over it. I won’t forget, but I have no choice but to get over it. They are my family after all. My feelings of blah today come from lots of other factors aside from my family situation. Honestly, I am probably the only one dwelling on the family situation… (cough, cough, probably because I’m the only one not going!) I am just blah because I am tired. I am not loving the dark gray clouds that are making me incredibly cold once again. I feel completely unproductive at work and of course have tons of mixed emotions about this weekend.

Saturday is Chris’s birthday as well. I am not sure what I am going to do with that. He says he doesn’t want me to do anything but then is that just someone saying that and they really do want you to do something? Monday is my birthday and I guess as it turns out also memorial day and I just found out yesterday that my office or rather my bosses are not working Monday so I guess I somehow got my birthday off. I don’t think that makes that big of a difference in my life really. Except maybe then on Monday I could/should start packing I guess. There are plenty of items that I can open a suitcase on the spare bedroom bed and start filling. Swimsuits, dresses that are only going to be worn in tropical locales. I probably can pack a bunch of stuff actually. Maybe Monday would be a great day for that. I guess this means that counting today I only have 8 work days left before my vacation. Normally I would be excited about this but today I can only manage an eh.

I did run last night. I ran at home and it was a decent run. Won’t win any records with it but I managed. It was fine. That is about all I can say about that. Tonight I head to the gym where I have my fitness meeting with the trainer at 7 PM. I should get there about 5:30 after work, which leaves me a solid hour or hour and a half to workout before I meet for my assessment. Honestly I have no idea what my plan of action will be. This is day 4 in a row of workouts and honestly I am tired. I will probably run for half an hour and then take it kind of easy. Easy for me is maybe 20 minutes stair climber and some arm work. I don’t know though. Perhaps I will get an afternoon power surge and totally be feeling it later today. Doubtful but you never know.

I was excited about my fitness assessment yesterday, today I am rather blah all around so it’s no surprise that I feel slightly blah about that too. I need an attitude adjustment for sure. My life doesn’t suck!!!! I don’t know maybe I need some candy, maybe that will perk my attitude up a little bit if I eat some sugar. Ha ha. Does that ever work? Maybe right…

I brought my workout clothes with me so that I can go directly from work to the gym. I am really hoping that I have a better attitude later today. I was very excited about my consult the other day and I am hoping to return to that happy place again. I’m sure after I get out of the office and run around and do some errands things will be better. I can do this and yes, I am going to kill it at the gym or rather have a great happy fun productive meeting with a trainer to discuss things. See the positive self talk there. Be proud of how far I’ve come and excited to see how far I can go.

Destruction

Ah Monday morning, my arch nemesis, we meet again. In the history of the world is there someone who actually loves Monday mornings? I suppose there is, it’s just never going to be me. Starring down the very start of an entire work week is just never fun. As exciting as Friday afternoon is, Monday morning is the antithesis of that. I’ve thought a lot this weekend about what I was going to say here because I had some things happen this weekend that my first inclination was to come on here and vent and then I decided that I should probably rein it in. Now I’m left somewhere in the in-between land of wanting to share the story but figuring out the best way to do it.

So let’s do this in chronological order than shall we. Thursday I weighed in. Lost 1.6 pounds, yeah. Had a chocolate candy attack in the evening. Oops. Like 20 points worth calculated after the fact. Shockingly 20 points is only like 10 little pieces. Oops again. Anyway, I ran. I had a good run which took some of the sting off from the candy. Friday was date night which ended up being a very different kind of date night. My mom and sister called and were going to see Star Trek in 3D and invited us. We ended up going to the movie theater with them and 2 of my cousins and one of their girlfriends. This is one of those theaters where you order food right at the table. I got a margarita and fries. Should I say we ordered a side of fries and seeing as fries are my favorite food in the world and I have not really indulged in them in like 7 months and of course they brought this GIANT heaping plate of them. Yeah, I ate a lot of fries. Oh well. It honestly didn’t bother me all that much.

Saturday morning I got up and went to the gym with my mom. Had a great run. Had a GREAT stair-climber session. 20 minutes and literally dripping the sweat. Actually I have been thinking a lot about what now for Em and ultimately decided that I should really just join the gym myself. A couple factors motivated me to this decision. The first is that last Sunday I felt like going to the gym but I knew my mom was busy and obviously I could not. I had a feeling this Sunday afternoon would be the same. Plus there was some city Iris Festival going on and therefore they were having a special where the initiation fee was waived so I only had to make a year commitment (which in the grand scheme of things is good for me, cause am I not committed to this for a year???) and it was only $25.00 a month. So I signed up. This gets me unlimited classes (which I will take advantage of at some point) and unlimited tanning (which I’m still debating on because I know how bad it is for you and hello I don’t need cancer) Anyway, I think this is going to be a good decision for me.

So Saturday was gym/old navy to return my size 6 old navy jeans that are too big and I have already ordered new size 4’s which are on their way), and then a Subway for lunch and I’m trying to recall the rest of the evening. Oh, I did take a bath and tried to relax later in the evening. I will get to the reasoning for needing to relax in a moment. Anyhow, pretty much a great on track day. Very proud of myself there. On Saturday with mom at the gym I ended up doing 50 minutes on the treadmill in 2 sessions, 20 minutes on the stair climber and a bunch of arm weights and stuff with my mom.

Sunday morning was a blah day. It started slow and I knew things were going to go slow pretty much all day. I had a yogurt for breakfast, my go-to these days. I headed over to my mom’s and eventually we ran a few errands and had Panera for lunch. I made an executive decision to actually have the “bread baguette” side with my soup and salad instead of switching it out for an apple because I wanted the carbs for an afternoon workout. Sunday also happened to be the Iris Festival half marathon and I saw lots of people in Panera who clearly had run the race. It was pretty motivating and inspiring to see them. Yeah, I know at some point I should run something but I’m just not there yet.

Anyway, eventually at about 3 PM I went to the gym all by myself. I got my new key tag and they took my photo. I am official peeps. Plus I get a “jumpstart” session when I join which I really think is a little walk around and talk with a trainer to show you equipment which I already know how to use most of anyway and to discuss my personal goals, etc. I scheduled it with my mom’s trainer which I kind of already know anyway from going to the gym so much lately. Anyway, Tuesday night at 7 PM is that. I’m kind of excited for it actually.

Can I just say Sunday at 3 PM in a gym is DEAD. Or at least this Sunday at this gym. I mean, it was REALLY dead. Which was kind of nice. A few people walking around. What I have found about the gym is that it is hard for me to mentally make myself go, but once I do I really love it. I love the atmosphere and the vibe of every one of every shape and size wanting to be healthy. I find it amazingly motivating. I had a great workout left to my own accord. I ran. I ran a 5k and then I did some weight machines and then I did another 20 minutes on the stair climber and it says I climbed 1446 steps which is probably true in 20 minutes. Crazy. Then I did 10 minutes on the elliptical just to see how their machines were and if I liked them any better. I don’t. Funny how we each have our own preference. My mom loves the elliptical. It just is eh for me. Love the treadmill and love that stupid stair climber. Just glad I found something else I love.

I then did another run. In total I was the cardio queen yesterday. This is what happens when I really don’t have anything else major to do. I ended up doing 70 minutes running, I never walk on the treadmill it’s always a run. And 20 minutes stair climber and 10 minutes elliptical, so 100 minutes cardio and then some weight stuff. I felt great about that workout and left sometime around 5:15 or so. I was afraid that I might be sore today, but I’m not. All is good.

My eating was pretty good this weekend. Yeah I had candy on Thursday and fries on Friday but honestly my Saturday and Sunday were great so I’d say this was the most successful weekend I’ve had in ages. I am quite pleased with that. I will take it.

NOW… Now it’s time for the other thing that I have been talking about that happened. I don’t want this to come off as petty or mean so I really need to try hard to explain it correctly.

I love Maui. We all know this. I started talking about going back to Maui again I don’t know like in December/January. My whole family knew that we were discussing this. By whole family I do mean, my mom, and my 3 sisters and their families. Anyhow eventually we booked our trip. There was not a lot of other discussion about it. A little while later Mom said she wanted to go to Maui. No problems there at all. Mom loves Maui, she’s been several times and she deserves a great vacation to. She decided to check with my single teacher sister Pamela and they began planning a trip for the beginning of October. Great. I was thrilled for them. They both deserve this and I had no problems. I was the most supportive and happy person for them. Promise you that.

Then they started talking about it and my sister Jen decides she wants to go to Maui with her husband and kids. There are a lot of issues here because Maui is expensive and while Jen is an adult and certainly can spend her money how she wants because of her past financial problems and MANY times when I had to bail her out financially and loan her money it annoys me that when gets a tax refund instead of saving any of it she instantly wants to blow it. I know it’s really none of my business, but I thought it was a dumb move. Anyhow, of course she decides that she wants to go with my mom and sister. I was pissed at the time, months ago, when it was being discussed. But at least my other sister Erin was not going and it was not a family vacation yet.

Fast forward to this week when I guess they finally booked the airfare. Saturday morning in the car before going into the gym my mom says to me, “I want to tell you something but I don’t want you to be mad.” They booked airfare and everyone is going. Like all my sisters, Erin included. My heart instantly sank. I was PISSEDDDD. I was so angry. I want to try and explain to you why. It’s not because I begrudge anyone going to Maui. It’s because suddenly here is a family vacation to Maui and I am not included. No one gave me a thought or consideration. I cannot go in another 3 ½ months. It was never discussed that we wanted to take a family vacation to Maui and then pick a date that works for everyone. I would have gone again later. I just can’t afford to or can’t take another week off of work the beginning of October. Can’t happen. They are all like, you can go. And I’m like, No, No I really can’t. Thanks! I am so hurt. I started balling in the parking lot. I looked at my mom and was like this hurts me so badly you have no idea. It’s like confirmation of what I always feel with this family, that I am the disposable one. That I’m not good enough and everyone else can go and have fun and it doesn’t matter if I’m there or not. I am the least important sister. That is how I feel. No one really even asked me anyway for the record. Mom said I could go on Saturday in the car but no one asked me before then.

Here’s the thing. This is the 2nd family vacation that this has happened to me on. About 4 years ago there was a family vacation to Las Vegas that went down about the same exact way. I was the only one you could not go because I was not considered. Everyone else in my family went to Vegas without me. And now it appears Maui is happening the same way. I just cried. It hurts so badly and so deeply to have it happen like that. It’s fucked up. And then it’s fucked up because my sister Pamela told me that I’m being immature and a child about it.

Logically I know it’s not anyone’s fault. I know this. I understand that I can’t really be mad at anyone in particular over it. I’m not mad at mom or pam. They were going to go on a trip and that was cool. They are both single and deserve to go places. I guess I don’t understand why everyone else had to go at the same time instead of taking their own trips? Now everyone is going to go on this great family vacation and I won’t be there. I am hurt to my core. I told mom I didn’t want to hear a word about it. I didn’t want to see a picture; I didn’t want to hear about it. I just can’t. It hurts too deeply.

I told them I was NOT coming over this weekend and seeing my sister when she comes up and visits. I can’t. I am so hurt and I can’t listen to them talk about it. I just can’t. I don’t think they have any idea what it feels like to be not included because it’s never happened to them. I’m the one who this seems to happen to. It happened once with Vegas and it hurt and I forgave but I moved on. But it’s now happened again and I have to wonder if I really am somehow less important. So yeah, maybe I’m being childish and immature by refusing to come over this next weekend but how can I constantly be asked to be the adult and be the bigger person when I keep getting crushed with such little regard? My anger comes from a complete place of hurt and sadness. It makes me feel like I am completely worthless in this family and therefore why should my presence or lack thereof this weekend make any difference then? Clearly I am not important enough to consider on a family vacation so it shouldn’t matter if I don’t show up for a weekend then.

I don’t know how I’m going to get over this. I really don’t. I told them, and this I mean, the week they are gone all in Maui having a great time. I don’t want to hear it, see it, I won’t log onto Facebook. I don’t want to see any of it. It just hurts too much and shows me that I’m unimportant amongst the people who are supposed to love me. It’s crushing. So fuck them. Okay, I do love them which is why it hurts so much. I tried to explain it to my mom and I think she understood but I doubt my sisters will be as understanding. So as it turns out this weekend I will NOT be seeing my family or my sister when she comes. I just can’t yet.

Saturday is still Chris’s birthday and I will still celebrate. Monday is still my Birthday. I a week from today. And we will go out to eat for our birthday and we will get cupcakes and I will try to be happy regardless of the situation.

So there you have it. A mixed weekend to say the least. I think I worked out so much because I was trying to work out my frustrations literally. I just don’t want any of that drama or negativity to affect my vacation in less than two weeks now. I want and desperately need to enjoy my vacation that I get to take.

Since I am not sore I will run again tonight, but not at the gym. I will run at home and then I will go to the gym tomorrow for my consultation with the trainer. Yeah… I am excited about that. I’ve got to keep with the positive. I do think joining the gym was the right step for me. I am looking forward to experimenting with some of the different classes and hopefully finding something I love. If nothing else I rationalized that paying $25 a month to go on the weekends is probably not a bad investment. Plus the tanning and if I could find 1 class I love paying $25 for like 4 classes a month is still a great price. Of course I’ve got two work weeks til Maui and one more weekend. I don’t think I’m going to do too much before Maui. That will be my plan when I get back from Maui.

Oh, and today I feel happy and healthy and I love my outfit. I’m rocking it so at least there’s that. I have 12 days til Maui… I need to focus on that. Fuck everything else that destroys me.

Blink and you'll miss it

Holy cow batman, I swear I just blinked my eyes and its 11 AM already. I think this has to do with the immediate phone calls and issues I had to deal with since walking into the office this morning. Some days I guess are just like that. It makes you appreciative of the ones that are good or less stressful or not so boss heavy at least. When I said the other day that I really wanted a vacation I meant it. Aside from my quick trip to Vegas in February I haven’t taken a day off work in like well… ever… I think once a year ago or so I called in sick to work 1day. Other than that I am a reliable employee to say the least. Anyhow, I need a vacation. Two work weeks and 2 days counting today. And yes, I am counting. That means that counting today I have 12 days of work left before I get a break. Desperately needed!!! I can tell that I am in need when every little thing my bosses want me to do starts to annoy the shit out of me. Even if it probably really is my job. So over it.

Since Oregon is in the Pacific Northwest which is entirely known for its gloom and rain it is not shocking that despite having 3 weeks of beautiful sun that it is utterly depressing to see rain again. Yesterday, today, oh and every foreseeable day in the future. Yeah, that’s Oregon. Bummer. Major mood killer. Thank God I have the aforementioned goodness of Maui coming up.

I’m doing okay this morning other than noticing the time. I need to take off here soon and run a bunch of work errands. Always fun huh. Nothing like running around to a bunch of places, pick up a check here, drop it off here, to the bank here, go to this other bank. Good times.

This morning was weigh-in and I was down. I weighed in at 141.4 so I lost 1.6 pounds. Majorly excellent. I am completely happy with 1.6 pounds. Quite honestly much better than I expected. I am not an idiot; at 140 something pounds I realize losing weight is hard. I will not drop large numbers ever again so 1.6 actually is a large number in all comparison. Especially since this was not what I’d call a stellar week. It was a fine week for sure. It wasn’t my worst and it wasn’t my best. It just happened and I guess sometimes that’s simply the point. I lived it. I indulged when needed, I restrained as to not binge. I ate when I was hungry and it all turned out okay. Well, I did manage 5 workouts last week as well. I pretty much always manage 5 workouts. That seems to be my routine these days. I can’t seem to do too much more than that even if I wanted and I am not certain I want to. Some days I’m not certain I want 5 workouts a week but it is working for me; for now.

I am going to review my “plan” when I return from Maui, but I’ve got like 15 days until then so I might as well just keep sticking to what I’ve been doing as to not upset the flow I’ve established. Since being gone for 10 days is totally going to throw me off I think upon my return it will be time to consider some other options. A good start over point if you will. Start over on what foods I’m eating and how much exercise I’m getting, etc. I know I have to exercise. I have to run. Maybe I don’t need to run 5 days a week. Maybe I could live with 3 runs a week and 2 “other” workouts. Maybe that would keep my body maintaining and keep me happier in the in between time. I might honestly be considering plunking down a year commitment to the gym. It’s only $25 a month; it’s not the financial commitment that scares me. It’s just wasting a membership. However, I could do some classes in an evening that might be good for me. Like I said, I’m not going to mess with anything until after Maui. Middle to end of June but I’m strongly considering it.

I have this weekend which will consist of a gym trip Saturday morning with mom and then pedicures and my nails done Saturday afternoon. Then I have all next week, and then the following weekend my sister and brother in law and my niece and nephew will be coming. Saturday is also Chris’s birthday and then Monday is my birthday. So that is going to be fun times in there and yes I will have a cupcake. I’ve been dreaming about this cupcake for weeks. Yeah, sure I could go and get it now if I really wanted but I do believe it’s better to save it for the birthday treat. Plus there will be birthday dinners and alcohol I’m sure. I LOVE alcoholic mixed beverages. I’m not a drunk or anything. In fact you’d probably never know it since when I lose weight I go cold turkey and don’t drink but I am pretty much a total fruity drink fan. The alcohol gets me out of my own head for a while and I need that.

Anyway, the point is the following weekend is booked and then I just have the week to get thru and then the next Saturday is Hawaii Time. None of that crazy busy time seems tempting to mix anything up that much. I will stick to tired and true an what I already know. But after Maui I am mixing it up somehow. I read an article last night about personal training and how it really does push you and even in shape people benefit, ya know. Things I know but confirmation I guess. Maybe. I’ll just say maybe at this point.

I really do love how I feel these days. I just ate my banana snack before heading out for errands. Hopefully that will tie me over until my lasagna lunch. Umm… Can I stop for moment and just say 141.4… Hmm…. I am not going to lie it was/is a stupidly unimportant personal goal to see a 130 number on the scale before I go to Maui. No.. not 130 period… I mean 1.3. Something. Like 139.9…. I just want the second number to be a 3. So yeah, I’d be happy with 139.9. Weight Watchers goal was always set at 140 so it would be awesome to lose 1.5 pounds in the next 2 weeks to put me at that 139.9 number. I know it’s unimportant and won’t affect a damned thing and I certainly know I will come back from 10 days of vacation not weighing 13 something but it’s just something I want. And now 1.5 pounds seems possible in 2 weeks time. I know there will be roughness with family and birthday’s in there but nothing I haven’t tackled before. I am SOOO on the home stretch. I am 139.9 bound.

DMV and cheese

I’d say lunch disaster, but I would not consider it a total disaster. It was fine. Delicious and I don’t know about the disaster part because I kind of don’t care. You see, shortly after my post I left for the DMV. If we all know anything about the DMV it’s that is absolutely guaranteed pretty much anywhere that it’s going to be a painful miserable LONG experience. This is why most of us put it off for so long. I knew this needed to happen since the beginning of April and here we are May 15 and I finally did it. Mainly I knew I needed 7-10 business days as they say for my new license to arrive in time to have real identification for travels and Maui. I think I just barely squeaked in under the radar on the license. But the point is, as misery goes, the DMV is pretty much the worst. 90 horrific minutes later and a whole whopping 2 minutes at the counter for me and it are done. I can expect license in the aforementioned 7-10 days. Glad that is off the to do list. Needed to get that one done.

Anyhow, the point is this put me very behind on my schedule. Not that I had a schedule but it pretty much meant that I needed to hurry. I had to stop at Safeway to get more Greek yogurt. I was out and I NEED my yogurt. But my stomach was HUNRGY. Growling and of course that meant every single thing in the store looked amazing. I ended up with a loaf of fresh baked artisan bread. The baguette kind. They are so good. And then somehow I was actually tempted to purchased smoked Gouda cheese. I have perhaps been on a bit of a fancy cheese kick lately. It was NOT my intention to eat said items this minute. I had a smart ones meal in the freezer at work. But somehow my lunch consisted of a 1/3 of the loaf of the baguette and a chunk of cheese bit and then ripped off the hunk by hand. I don’t think either of these choices are all that bad in terms of a lunch really. The only problem is that I did not measure of calculate and have no real knowledge of how much I consumed. Oh well. I am satisfied and contented now. I feel like I had a fancy lunch. Hey, at least it was fresh. Maybe the bread will soak into my stomach and in turn sit there for another couple hours for me to burn while running tonight.

I am really trying to listen to my body in terms of food these days and all be damned if it didn’t tell me cheese and bread were in order for lunch. It’s not much different than getting a subway 6” sandwich anyway. I can’t imagine it’s all that horrible after all. But I’m full now. We will see if I need a snack later this afternoon or not. I am sure before I run I will require something else. But on the plus side I feel much more saited than I did yesterday at this time. Perhaps I am simply just not eating enough food and my body is trying to alert me to this fact. It’s cool. I will run tonight and we will see what the scale gives me tomorrow. I’m just looking for anything around 143… stay the same lose a little. I’ll take it.

A Short Story

Good morning world. Today I am feeling much better or “equalized” in terms of my mood. Yeah, sure, I’m still a little hungry but a bit of hunger I actually think is a good thing. I mean, I don’t want to be starving, but I HATE feeling stuffed. There is a balance in there. Anyhow, last night I did something that I have never done before, like a first for me. Not sure if it’s a good first or rather a sign that chemically there was something off in my body and I was going to listen to it. Yeah for listening to my body actually.

Anyway, I was so hungry all day; I knew it was not normal for me to be that hungry. I ate my yogurt for breakfast, I had a banana for a snack, I had a Smart Ones for lunch, I had jello and apple slices for afternoon snack. All the normal things I would have in a day. BUT I was still so hungry I was seriously going to eat my arm so while driving home I made an impromptu decision as I was driving by to pull into a Subway drive thru. I mean, I opted for the Subway drive-thru instead of the McDonalds one located rather close and also on my path home. I was so hungry and had no energy to run so I made the executive decision to eat. At least it was a freaking subway sandwich. I got a 6” turkey on wheat with avocado, lettuce, onions and peppers. And then I literally scarfed the whole thing down before I got home. I was seriously that hungry.

I have never eaten a whole sandwich in the car. We are talking a short drive from the subway to my house but apparently my body just needed it. I was craving chocolate so bad that when I got home instead of eating an actual candy bar I opted for a Fiber One protein bar. Yup, ate that too. And THEN I ran. It was not my best workout ever but it was a run. It was exercise. I sweated. It was work. That is about all I could say about that. I don’t think I could have accomplished that had I not ate the Subway sandwich. I was just so hungry and I decided listening to my body and giving it what it needed was better than starving myself. Plus, it was a stupid sandwich for Pete’s sake. It wasn’t a burger and fries.

Anyhow, eventually I felt better last night. After I ran I decided to do a little clothes try on. Have I mentioned this is one of my favorite activities ever? There is a sense of satisfaction that comes from trying on clothes you’ve worn before for perspectives sake. The thing is this. Lately I have been thinking a lot about Maui obviously. The last time I went to Maui, 2 years ago to get married I was not entirely happy with myself. I managed just fine. I had an amazing time don’t get me wrong, but I am almost certain that I had to weigh somewhere around 160-170 if I was guessing. Total guess by the way. But what totally struck me was how those extra 20-30 pounds makes me not want to do things. Even in Maui. I found myself a little uncomfortable and not wanting to take as many pictures and certainly not enjoying bathing suit time nearly as much.

When I think of Maui and being perfect and happy I think of Maui 2009, when I went weighing what I considered one of my lowest weights. I don’t know where I completely was in terms of my weight, but according to charts I think I was in the 130’s at this time. I don’t 100% know again either but what I do remember is I was crazy happy and confident that whole trip. I wore bikinis and while I certainly wasn’t amazing in them, I was confident enough. That is what I have been trying to get back to this whole time. I wanted Maui 2009 memories. With all that said, I have no major way of gauging where I was at. I have some charts of weight from this time period but they all end before the actual date. I had a recorded weight of 132.5 on April 16 of 2009. I went to Maui the end of May 2009. Since there was no more weight tracking I don’t actually think I stuck to any weight loss plans after that period of time. I am sure I went to Maui weighing more than 132 pounds.

The goal simply was to get around there so I felt confident enough to wear a bikini again. Even with my scarred not perfect body I still want to be able to wear one. I am not expecting perfection by any means. Just happiness. Anyhow, all this is really leading up to a point. The point is the only thing I had to judge my progress or comparison of Maui 2009 to now is one pair of shorts that I wore in 2009. Yes, I have dresses and clothes but they are not as form fitting so one can’t really tell anything from those. I have a pair of shorts I wore while zip-lining the first time in Maui. I remember that when I wore them they were tight and slightly uncomfortable but I wore them because I could not wear a skirt to zipline. I had to wear shorts. I remember the entire time not being totally comfortable in them because they were a little too snug. Anyhow, guess who found those same pair of shorts in a drawer? I honestly found them a few weeks ago and told myself that I was not going to try them on because I did not want to disappoint myself. I was afraid. Fear is an ugly thing. But I was trying to save myself from a downward spiral. In case they were too tight I just didn’t want to do that to myself.

Last night was the night. I thought what the hell. I was just hoping they would fit me. As I slid them on I realized that holy shit they fit, but they are too big. I did a double take and verified these were the same zipline shorts that I remember being a little too snug. There is too much room in them now. The thighs don’t hug and the waist has inches in it. Hmm….



This leads me to a conclusion that I must be smaller now than I was Maui 2009??? Is that even possible? At 143 pounds now today I am smaller than I was in June of 2009? I know all the exercise that I am giving myself has toned things up and made me smaller. But I was just not expecting that much give in those shorts. So the simple answer is this. I must be smaller, albeit, just a little, than I was in Maui 2009. That has simply been my ultimate goal all along. To go to Maui feeling as happy and confident as I did in 2009. Assuming I don’t screw it up somehow in the next 16 days, yes its 16 days away, and no, I don’t see how I could screw it up majorly in the next 16 days; the goal is going to become a “real” reality. 16 days and I WILL wear a bikini.

Now today here shortly I am heading to the DMV to renew my license which unfortunately expires on my birthday in 12 days so I have no choice but to wait in the dreaded DMV lines. Yuck. But at least my new driver’s license photo won’t be a “fat” photo. So that is nice too. Anyhow, that’s about all I got for the morning.

On a day like today

Today I am starving. Like I just want to eat everything kind of hungry. I also woke up this morning DREADING going to work. Like one of those days that for no good reason you just don’t want to do it. You don’t want to do anything actually. One of those days where you find yourself thinking how you could function as an unemployed person. Would it be possible? Could I survive if I cut my life down to the bare minimums?

And then it dawned on me that it’s around the middle of the month which means that I think I’m right in line for the week before my period which is always the week where I am hungry and moody. Lovely. I really am stupidly hungry for no good reason. Actually I did the same thing last night. I did run, which for some reason felt like torture last night (perhaps it is the whole impending period thing) and then I just wanted to eat too much. Scratch that, I DID eat too many York peppermint patty minis. Like 8 of them I think. Ooops. Periods are the devil or at least the week before your period. I really was craving chocolate, like I am craving it now. The thing is, I don’t have any at work so I guess that is a good thing.

I am feeling so lazy I don’t even want to go home and run. That is NOT a good thing because if I didn’t run I would just want to eat. And I would probably cave and eat. I will make myself run but I am giving myself permission to just let it be an easy night and not push myself at all. The only thing I found in my mini-fridge was an old Jell-O pudding cup with sugar free Jell-O, you know those WW ones that are no points. I’m eating it right now, but it’s not that satisfying. I mean, when you want chocolate but are eating Jell-O instead. Yeah.

I really didn’t want to work this morning. I really don’t want to be at work right now. I suspect tomorrow I won’t want to work either. I suspect that I am suffering from pre vacation-itis I am sure that is not a word, but it makes sense. Like when you get senioritis and you slack the last part of your senior year of school. I am thinking that these next three weeks pre Maui are going to be rough. I desperate want a vacation and it’s mostly what I daydream about all the time. Like can I just go tomorrow already…

I actually have Chris’s birthday in there. (He turns 34 on the 25th) and then 2 whole days later is my 34th Birthday on the 27th. It’s not like happy things aren’t happening in the next three weeks. Damned PMS. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, just a few minutes ago I looked at the date on my computer screen and realized that TODAY is May 14 and I realized that today is my dad’s birthday. Perhaps the universe is more in tune with these things than I give it credit for. Perhaps I am slightly sad and off today and basically didn’t want to get out of bed because deep down I knew today we would have been celebrating his birthday. Interesting. I didn’t think about it earlier at all. And all of a sudden like a ton of bricks it hit me. Ugh… I don’t think that ever gets any easier. I don’t care how hold you are or how many years it’s been, he was still my dad. The only one I will ever have. And even if I’m an almost 34 year old woman doesn’t mean that I still don’t need my dad from time to time. I mean, there are plenty of times late at night while lying in bed that I talk to him in my head and ask him things. I guess because I believe he is somehow, some way watching over me I think he has any sort of pull or influence in the universe that maybe he can help. Or at least help me understand things sometimes.

I suspect nothing in life is that coincidental? That sometimes all things are part of a master plan greater than you. One can call this faith or religion or God. I don’t know. I’m not a real religious person despite being raised Catholic and going to a private Catholic grade school, which I left in the 6th grade because I hated it so much I started stealing to get my parents attention to make them take note of just how unhappy I really was. True story.

As much as I was socially awkward in high school and friendless when it came to being in a class of 200 students imagine what it was like being in a class of 25, the same kids for 5 years. If you don’t fit in, you just don’t fit in. I never felt like I fit in. Pretty much ever as a child or young adult and at times still as an adult I guess. Some days you really do feel like you are on the outside looking in at all the cool kids just wanting to be a part of something greater. I suspect the grass is always greener on the other side of anything. You always want what other people have got and ultimately you can’t have. Such is the irony of life.

Back to feeling famished. Perhaps I am trying to feed some deeper sadness today. I think that is a strong possibility. I think that perhaps I should NOT break open the giant can of almond Roca that my bosses have left in this office that I have successfully avoided for 6 months. I just remembered there was chocolate in this office after all. Yup, bad thought to have. Must not break it open. I’ve only got like 2 more hours of work anyway. I can do this. I don’t need chocolate to fill the void in my heart today. Sure, I don’t want to work; I really don’t want to be here. I want to be on a tropical island not worrying about stupid petty shit. I want to be by the warm ocean with an open mind without a care in the world. Some days are just like that I guess.

Some days writing things out really does help. Sometimes I write shit and it is pointless and means nothing but just a recap of my boring life and then some days, like today, it is so important to work out what’s really going on inside you. Some days I can’t imagine how I’d get thru without this blog. I mean I suspect that I would have gone along with my day being pissy and irritable and perhaps eating almond Roca just because without realizing that I was filling a void left by my father on his birthday. Okay, perhaps that sounds more dramatic than it really is. I mean, I didn’t even realize it until like 30 minutes ago so how critical can it really be? And yet, I do have to wonder.

I think the best thing I can possibly do today is go home and run. Even if it’s not a great one, I feel like now I need to do it as a tribute to my father who could never conquer his own demons in life. He was never able to control or handle his emotions and ultimately could not deal with his weight. I need to enjoy and live my life because that is what he would have wanted. The best way to celebrate him and his life is to truly live mine and not bury my face in almond Roca. Do the things he could not do. Run, and be healthy, and happy. Despite if it’s my pre period week, if it’s actual PMS or if it’s just sadness brought on by the reality of the day. Doesn’t matter, I should probably just run anyway.

Weekend perspective

This morning my day started with running errands for my job. Nothing like an immediate Monday morning road trip. This lead to a late arrival in the office and then of course immediate issues I had to address in terms of work. But it is now the “afternoon” and I think I finally have a moment to eat a Smart Ones for lunch and of course type this post.

Let’s talk weekend shall we? I cannot say that I had a perfect great weekend in terms of health and fitness but it was by no means the worst I’ve had lately so I will take it. I would consider it an average weekend and honestly that is great by me. Basically my goal was to go into my Friday-Sunday stretch and not feel so guilty that I came here today and posted about how I lost it over the weekend. I can honestly say that my post will not say this. It wasn’t perfect but since I feel like I can barely remember some of what I ate (other than knowing that I did go over each day) so it probably wasn’t too terrible.

Friday not I did in fact take off from exercise and instead went out to dinner for Date night with Chris. We ended up at Mexican food where I did in fact eat too many chips and beans. I was hungry when I got there and of course they bring you those first. I also ordered a margarita. So yeah, that happened. Dinner itself wasn’t too horrible. We shared chicken fajitas. I didn’t eat any of the tortillas, instead I just had the vegetables and chicken and beans and guacamole. Amazingly good. I do know when I came home I had too much candy as desert but it was still okay.

Saturday morning I got up and went to the gym with my mom where I killed it. I am really digging on this whole Saturday morning gym workout schedule I seem to find myself on. I started off by killing it on the treadmill with a nice 30 minute plus run. I RAN… I put the treadmill on a 6.2 and just went for it. You want to talk about perspective or my genuine lack of any of it? Perspective that is. I run and I honestly have no clue what I really look like to other people when I run because who can? I know it doesn’t matter… AT ALL… but I just like to have an idea I guess for my own knowledge. Mainly I guess to gauge myself not really to compare. Anyhow, I will come back to this thought in a moment.

After my run, I hit up some weight machines. Did some arm work, did my sit-ups and pushups. Did a few more machines and then headed to the stair climber. I super love that stair climber. Who would have guessed it? The thing is this, I don’t “feel” like I am working as hard as I do when I run BUT I sweat like I’ve never dropped sweat on that machine. After 5 minutes of continual climbing on it the sweat is literally pooling on my body and dropping on EVERY single stupid step. It’s gross but slightly rewarding at the same time. So I end up doing a little over 15 minutes and it says I’ve climbed like 62 flights of stairs. I’m not sure if that is all that accurate. It doesn’t seem like I would actually be able to climb 62 flights in 15 minutes but nonetheless that’s the basis for next time to try and improve upon.

I finished up my workout with another 25 minutes or so on the treadmill. This takes me back to my previous perspective thought. As I was running I couldn’t help but watch the other people on the treadmills. Again, not because I want to be better or want to judge them, just because I’m trying to figure out my place in the world. Of the 15 people or so on the treadmills at that time, I was running, there was another girl running and then one girl going between a run and walk. Two girls got on treadmills next to me so I could see that there walking speed was a 4. That was good to know.

I think the thing is this, sometimes I feel like a fraud. I run. I love to run. I run all the time. These are true statements, but sometimes I feel like I have no idea if I am actually running or working out enough to actually be considered a runner. I know you are a runner if you run period. But I feel like a fraud because I only run on my treadmill at home and I don’t know how I would fair in the real world I guess. I am constantly just trying to find my place. So I was watching this girl run and run and I thought man, she is really running. She is hardcore running. I thought she was running at what I considered a good speed. So of course in my mind I’m thinking the girl is running at like a 7 or something because my perspective is just as fucked up about a treadmill speed as it is about anything. So of course, as this is the end of my workout my running is varying between a 5.6 and a 6.0 on the treadmill for this particular run. Decent speed but not killer. For the record in my first half hour run I decided to try running at a 7 speed on the treadmill and I actually managed to pull that off for a while.

Anyway, back to my story. I was certain this girl was killing it on the treadmill and I was like yeah, that girl is flying. I am certain I don’t look like that. That girl is clearly a RUNNER. When I finished, as we had to go at this point, I walked by her running, on purpose so I could just see what speed she was running at. Guys, it was a 5.2…. Perspective. It’s as hard to judge and gauge as our own self-perspective is. I was floored and yet I still have a hard time believing that I really look like a runner. Go figure. But I swear every time I go to the gym is good and I learn something about myself.

After the gym we went to my sister’s house where we changed and headed to Costco for staples. Staples for me included bananas, frozen fruit for my smoothies, egg beaters, lettuce, green beans and Monster Energy drinks. I know they are bad for you but I drink them anyway!

We did a few more errands and went to Panera Bread for lunch. Then Saturday night I ended up eating a bunch of Ritz crackers and cheese… still pretty tasty even if it wasn’t the most nutritious thing in the world. Yesterday I woke up later and ended up going to my mom’s around 10 for mother’s day stuff. My sister and I took my mom to Applebee’s where I got something off the 550 calorie or less menu. I spent my entire afternoon cleaning my house. Like good cleaning which actually ends up being quite intensive. I started cleaning the crap out of the fridge which in turn lead to like an hour of complete fridge cleanout. Removing all the shelves and whipping everything down. Major work. But it felt great when I was done with everything. Being at home all afternoon is hard on some of the food choices. Mainly the candy that I ate. Oh well. I still don’t think it was as bad as last weekend so I’m guessing its fine.

We did make an excellent dinner though. We had the green beans from Costco and grilled onions, with Salmon, a baked potato and a roll. This is my dinner last night since it was so pretty I had to take the picture.



Overall I don’t think things were too out of control. I didn’t exercise yesterday but I usually don’t on Sundays. Lately it seems that Fridays and Sundays are my days off. I will of course run tonight. Pretty much I like to stay on track Monday-Thursday with healthy eating and exercise. I Figure that is 4 out of the 7 days a week to stay on track. This should ultimately keep me pretty consistently healthy even if I do end up indulging most weekends. Honestly, like I said, this weekend was pretty okay. I know I ate too much in between. Hello Costco samples much :) But it’s cool. I’m really just trying to maintain at this point or else lose 3 more pounds really.

I am mostly excited to see where I can get my body fit and health wise. I am really liking the gym but I’m not sure if I like it enough to want to do it in an evening. I kind of like going home and running and already being home etc. But I love weekend workouts at the gym. We will see how it goes long term. Maybe after I get back from Maui I will consider a gym membership of my own but for now it is working to just go with my mom.

Oh and interesting story here. I have been wearing my lovely Old Navy Size 6 rockstar skinny jeans and all of a sudden they are starting to feel a little loose. Oops. So Friday night Chris wanted to go to old navy to try on some clothes. Since I was there, for the hell of it, I tried on size 4’s and yup, you guessed it. They fit much better. I am not sure how I feel about this because I clearly think there must be a sizing error with Old Navy because I have never in my entire life been a size 4 anything. EVER. Not in a pant for damned sure. Plus I have lots of size 6 jeans now so I am going to just keep wearing them and pulling them up as needed. If I lose more weight or if I get more toned as it seems might be happening to me, then I might have to consider another option but for now I’m not rushing out to buy the 4’s. I mean, I’m being realistic here and if I stayed exactly this same size as I am now I would be happy.

Two weeks from today is my 34th Birthday and then less than 3 weeks now is Maui. Time sure does fly. Here’s to the final push for the next three weeks to go to Maui feeling better than ever. Notice I said “feeling” not looking… because it really is about the feeling.