Where's the Focus?

I feel a little bit like I’ve kind of mentally checked out lately and I’m not sure why. Stress maybe. Boredom.  Indifference to life. Not really sure.  I kind of think the reality of this marathon training might be harder mentally than I imagined.  Not necessarily the physical running part but the emotional mental one that has me trying desperately to find any amount of balance in my life other than running/working/maintaining life. 

Sure it was easy to go to the gym and run a little here and there and then do these strength training workouts and not feel pressure to perform on any level.  It’s like since I’ve started the official training plan I have it looming over my head and I can’t shake it.  I must tick all the boxes. Scratch that, I must better the boxes.  I am nothing if not OCD and clearly if the plan calls for x I simply must do at least a little better than x.  Remember I am super human and all.  Right.  But in all of the trying to better those little ticks of boxes I am mostly too tired for much else in my life.  Meaning any amount of strength training. 

I keep trying to tell myself that it’s okay to take a little less than 4 months and actually train for my marathon and if strength training has to go a little bit that’s really fine.  That it’s ultimately a short period of time and I would do better to focus my energies on feeling prepared to run a marathon.  Logically I know this.  Time is already flying by and quite honestly September is going to be here before I know it.  Which is also scaring me.

I think secretly I am fearing that if I don’t strength train that my body is going to turn to mush.  That my ass is going to sag and my muscles are going to disappear.  Is this a normal fear? Probably.  But for the life of me I can’t find the willpower to push myself to do it all.  I don’t think even I have it figured out enough to swing forever in the gym.  Maybe I once did but my desire has lessened in time.  Perfectly normal and natural.  I don’t believe I ever wanted the gym to be my ENTIRE life.  It is an important and iatrical part of who I am, but it is not ALL that I am.  I want to have a rich and full life that doesn’t involve spending 2 hours a day killing myself at the gym.  It’s enough that I spend my weekends running. Which I adore by the way and that has always been my first choice of activity.

As a whole I look back on the month of May which has gone by in such a blur and think I have been such a freaking slacker it’s not even funny. I’ve barely done anything. Or at least that is how I feel.  But then it’s hard to really say that because from May 6- May 3, in 26 days’ time I ran 101 miles.  It’s not setting records but it is something.  That averages to just a little shy of 4 miles a day. Every day. For 26 days.  Can I really call myself a slacker?

I think a lot of it does in fact have to do with boredom.  After 2 plus years of going to the gym I am finally bored with everything.  I do the same things in and out day after day and it just no longer holds the same excitement for me.  That and I generally seem more exhausted from the excessive cardio I’ve been doing.  BUT, running a marathon has always been my biggest desire. My one goal that has stuck with me for over 10 years that I really never wanted to verbalize out of fear.  So it seems like a very important and worthwhile thing to finally go for.  And in doing so, having to train a little bit seems wise as well.

I am as certain as anything that once I run my marathon I am going to be ready for a heavy break from running.  I have a couple more half’s after September I intend to do, culminating in the Rock N Roll Las Vegas half in November but I don’t think I will need to train so hard for those half’s once I am done in Maui. 

I guess I just keep walking by mirrors and catching glimpses of my ass and the fear that it’s going to drop and sag is starting to set in.  I need to squat more I suppose.  But when I am heavy running I try to avoid heavy leg days because there is nothing worse than being so sore you can’t walk and then having to run.  Not a good combo.  I’m probably entirely being irrational about all of this and caring far too much about stupid things.  But I can’t help it, this is the neurotic girl that I am.  In the grand scheme of things these are what one would call “First World Problems”  I am fully aware of this.  Oh poor me, worried that my ass will sag because I’m spending far too much time at my gym running instead of lifting in preparation for a marathon in Maui that I paid a lot of money to run.  Retarded. I know.

No one ever said any of life would be easy or guaranteed but ultimately it should just be worth it.  And in the end all of this is worth it.  I know that.  Losing weight, being healthy, maintaining weight is worth it. Being able to run and feel that freedom is worth it. Taking epic trips with my husband is worth it.  It’s all worth it. So I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff as much as I do. It will all work out somehow, the way it’s supposed to I am sure.

With all this said, last night I went to the gym and I ran.  I needed a good run, after not working out on the weekend and feeling so crappy. So it felt good to just run a little bit. Nothing fancy, nothing too engaging, just a solid run. 7 miles, 71 minutes or so, 700 calories burned.  And then I went home. Chris was home last night at normal time. He works the late shift tonight and Wednesday so I wanted to get home last night to see him. Tonight I can spend more time at the gym if I choose.  We will see.

Tonight I run 3 miles on my training plan and then I am going to lift weights.  I was thinking upper body but I might just go ahead and amend that to a light leg day so that I can squat and squat and get it done on a Tuesday so that if I do get sore it should wear off by the weekend.  I think this is a more solid plan. Lots and lots of squats.  I will work up something this afternoon and of course post it tomorrow. I’m thinking about making a new page on this site and putting all my penciled out workouts there, in case anyone is interested. And by anyone I often mean me. It would be nice to have a place to go back and look at my old workouts I’ve done to get ideas and perhaps repeat on occasion.  My workouts are pretty good honestly so it’s not a bad idea. Just for my own future reference.

Anyway that’s about it for today I guess. I’m hungry.  I need to try and distract myself for a little while so I don’t eat my snacks too early. Eek.  Isn’t watching your diet fun? Not.  It’s all slightly fruitless as my weight never seems to change and I tend to totally say fuck it and let completely loose on the weekends. But I guess minding my calorie intake Monday thru Thursday is what allows me to eat whatever I want Friday to Sunday and maintain my weight.  It certainly could be worse in the grand scheme of things.

Just keep plugging along. Right? I swear though some days everything just feels so “off”.  I think I am missing running a half. I think I’m ready to run a half this weekend. Maybe that’s part of it.  It’s been too long I think.   Is that crazy?  May 17 was the last one and I think I am missing that high.  Sunday. Just get thru this week I guess.  I’ve got some other stressors in my life right now too and it’s all pushing down on me.  Whatever I can do this.