Do it with Love

Every single day brings on a whole new series of emotions and feelings and thoughts.  I mean, I suppose that’s life.  But it’s just crazy to me how much you can flip around so sporadically dependent probably on a host of reasons.  Or is this just me? Am I really the only crazy one who feels like in the course of 24 hrs., scratch that a couple hours I can go from one complex emotion to the next.

I honestly don’t think I am crazy, well any crazier than anyone else. That is the beauty of the internet and social media.  It has a shit ton of drawbacks but the beauty is that we are more connected than ever to people who are going thru the same things as us.  You can always find someone to relate to. Someone who gets it or understands.  Overall I think social media is more good than bad but of course you can always abuse it. I’ve been guilty of that in my life.  It’s a nice fantasy world where consequences aren’t real and everything is an illusion.  It’s fun to play in the world so long as you don’t let it carry you away or take you away from reality.

There, that is my end rant on that topic.  With that said, today I am just dandy.  Yesterday was pretty freaking hot here.  So much so that even getting into the gym I was HOT and running on the treadmill even in the air conditioning was a nightmare.  It was sweat on sweat.  It wasn’t fun.  And if I’m being honest as much as my head was feeling great and wanting to do it my body might not have been totally loving the heat.  I ran 3 miles, begrudgingly and then I did about ½ an hour of upper body work. Nothing scripted, nothing too fancy.  Enough to get in about an hour of time and burn about 375 calories and that seemed like just enough yesterday.  Overall enough. Especially since sometimes I forget that I put out a lot of effort all around.

Today I am supposed to run 4.5 miles according to my plan but I am not entirely sure if this is going to happen or not.  It is HOT. And while I do try with all my might to hit every box on my running plan or even exceed sometimes it’s okay to know my limits as well.  Today is 4.5 miles and tomorrow is nothing with Thursday being 4.5 miles.  Basically this means 9 miles is supposed to be done in the next 3 days.  I think it would be perfectly fine to adjust days and mileage so long as the combination of all runs totals the 9 miles.  If I only run 3 miles today and say 1.5 miles tomorrow I am not going to sweat it.  Let’s not forget that Saturday only calls for me doing a 8.5 mile run and I will be doing 13.1 so that makes up for it as well.  I’m not slacking.  It’s just REALLY uncomfortably hot to run anyway mostly.  And Last week I really went for it so I’m feeling less interested this week. It happens.

This is mainly the plan.  I won’t get to the gym until about 5:15 and then I am taking a 5:30 class with Amanda. Just a ½ hour class but then I will run after.  I am not sure I really want to run 45 minutes after.  I could probably handle a 3 mile run so that might just have to do.  Or else I could do 2.25 tonight and 2.25 tomorrow night which might also work.  Thursday I do plan on doing a full 4.5 mile run. I think I will manage that. This is all really boring conversation I know. 

So on to more exciting stuff.  Last night I took these photos in the mirror and holy shit I was blown away.  This is one of the first times in a while where I felt like I looked really strong and healthy.  This is all part of the identity issues we all struggle with.

I feel like I look really muscular and healthy.  Exactly what I preach I want and here I am living proof of it.  I think the hair has given me a lot more confidence. That’s crazy right? I feel good.  And for some reason have an easier time accepting the scale weight of 151 pounds today than I did a month ago. Because of my hair? Hmm., that’s dumb.  I really don’t know the answer to that.  But the truth is, I have never ever desired to be a tiny thin wispy shell of a girl.  Nothing wrong with those girls, not trying to knock anyone. If that’s how you are born, then good for you.  But clearly I was not designed that way.  I’ve got curves and muscles and a frame that simply wants to carry weight on it.  This is the girl I want to be. Happy, healthy, strong. Even weighing in at 151 pounds. 

Sure I can pick apart my flaws, anyone can. We all do at points, but instead one should just be happy with the good that they have.  I think generally speaking one would see me and hopefully go that is a strong fit woman.  She looks healthy.  Not fat.  Not thin.  Healthy.  Far too often the photos I take make me see flaw after flaw so I try to embrace the photos that make me feel good and happy.  And these do the trick.

What’s funny is that on Sunday, like a day before I took these photos at my race there were photos taken and I just look awful. HUGE.  Funny how race photos are NEVER EVER kind.  Running photos are hands down the worst thing ever.  Not sure why anyone takes them?  They never look good. Okay, at least mine don’t.  I can and will pick apart how huge I look every time.  And yet, here are these photos that show me I am strong and beautiful just as I am.

All of this is to articulate the fact that a scale is just a number and highly irrelevant.  No two bodies are ever the same. Muscles, and body composition count for so much more.  This body at 151 pounds is not the same body I have had at any other point in my life at 151 pounds.  This is a muscular body.  This is a happy healthy woman who eats food. Who gets to go out to dinner and have unlimited Olive Garden breadsticks and a margarita.  This is a girl who runs 13 miles for fun on the weekends.  This is a strong capable body.  And I need to love and respect her. 

I’ve said it many times before but even I need the reminder. Everything must be done with love for oneself.  Nothing will ever change or be real or last unless it’s done with pure love for yourself.  I promise you, the harder you push and the harder you hate yourself and your life the less effective any effort will become.  Nothing good comes of hatred. Self-hatred, body loathing, losing weight because you hate yourself.  None of that works long term.  You might find some minimal success but I promise you even when you lose weight you aren’t going to feel any better unless you first learn to love yourself as you are.  Love your life. Love your insides. Love the person you are enough to be healthy for the quality of your life. 

Sure, a few vanity shots or squats to lift your ass are fine, but overall it’s about being the best possible version of you.  That’s the best thing I could ever advise anyone on.  Do it yourself, because you love yourself. Do all things out of love.  The results will come eventually.

Does all that sound preachy enough for you? Just feeling happy today and that’s okay. Happy with what I am seeing in the mirror and I will take a day like that and run with it any day of the week.