The Ah-Ha Cry

I want to talk about something today without coming off as vain and conceited.  This is my blog so I suppose I am free to say whatever I want, but it is still hard for me to not care that I sound like a douche bag.  And mostly the things I am about to say I feel make me sound like a true douche.  But I am going to say them anyway.

Last night after I got home I had my new bikini top in the mail from Victoria Secret.  The bottoms didn’t come yet but that’s okay, I had other bottoms to mix with it for now.  It will be cuter when its complete but I wanted to try on the top anyway. What followed was what could only be described as a vanity induced photo session.  I feel guilty and narcissistic all the time about this but I think last night I might have figured out where it really all is coming from.

I was standing in front of my dressing room mirror. Yes, one of the bedrooms in my house is converted into my walk in dressing room of sorts. Shoes in the background and yes those are a million pairs of shoes.  And makeup table in front of the mirror.  This picture that follows is a great example of my girly self-indulgent side. Anyway I was standing in front of this mirror and I looked at myself and I literally had a moment where I almost cried.  I know that sounds weird but it was a true “Ah-Ha” moment. Where you find yourself actually seeing yourself for the first time in a long while. 

I stood in front of that mirror and actually repeated the phrase in my head, “Is that me?” Is that really me?  Holy shit, is that what I look like?  Here is where the vanity and douche-bag ness comes into play.  I felt like I looked so good. Like this woman staring at me could not possibly be me.  She was far too good looking and looked so ripped and had such pretty long flowing hair.  Seriously, how could this woman be me?  Who was she?  The strength and muscles were just shocking to me.  Perhaps I’m overplaying it but coming from someone who has battled my weight and body image issues my whole life this moment felt profound.  So of course I snapped a picture or maybe like 10.  Anyway, here is the exact thing I was staring at.

A lot of it is the confidence that I have in myself these days. Confidence is sexy, right? I certainly am not perfect and I have scars and extra skin and all that jazz, but that is not what I am choosing to focus on.  I am choosing to see how athletic and muscular I look and all that definition in my body.  That is one fit ripped woman.  No way she’s me, right? I honestly felt like I could have cried.  I have worked so hard for this. Not that every single day this is my intention, to get to this point.  I love what I do and the results are just the added benefit.  Having a moment like last night where I truly was blown away by what I saw in the mirror was something unexpected but rewarding. 

I am not used to seeing that woman.  I mean, sure, I see her daily and all but looking in the mirror at times is different than really looking if that makes sense.  Again I will stress by no means do I think I am some rock god or perfect female form.  There is extra fat and rolls and jiggle and all that jazz but it’s okay to look past that and just be happy with what you do see.  To appreciate the way your body looks, the muscles you have earned, the things that this strong female physique is capable of.  I feel pretty and sexy and these are things that have taken me a lifetime to feel.

Hell, I feel like I look better than I did 10 years ago. Or really at any other point in my life.  So of course I took more photos.

And I felt so good in my own skin it wasn’t funny.  Like I was ready to walk out on that Maui beach right now and just own all of my power. Of course the moment I actually hit the beach I am certain I will become self-conscious and nervous and see perfect women and thus feel insecure about all of my own flaws.  But one step at a time. Owning it on my own is the first step.  Seeing myself as a confident happy woman is a big first step.  I don’t want this feeling to go away, although realistically I know I will have bad days and it will fade.  But for right now I am loving how much I can appreciate the good in myself.  It has taken a lifetime to find this level of self-love. It is worth the 11 year wait.  It is worth the 11 year battle to be this happy.

And let me point out that I am not this happy entirely because of vanity.  I am this happy because I see my strength.  I see the strong woman I have become. Yes the physical representation is what is blowing me away but it’s about the journey that it has taken on the inside to become her.  I’m this happy because my body reflects the self-love I have shown it for the last two plus years.  I am this happy because I am a total beast of an athlete and this is what I see in these photos.  I don’t see a skinny malnutritioned woman.  I see a 36 year old kick ass healthy woman who is curvy and sexy and strong.  Who would just as easily throw down heavy anything with the boys as frolic on the beach in this bikini.  A woman not afraid to take on a Rugged Maniac strength based obstacle course on Saturday with 3 guys. 

I also see a woman who is not afraid to be real and share all of these feelings and emotions. A woman who finds just as much joy in helping others as in your own success.  A woman who may appear vain by the amount of selfies she takes but in reality keeps taking them because she can’t believe the image that it’s producing. I can’t believe I look like this so it’s like I have to keep taking the pictures as proof or I’m waiting for one to show me the “real” me.  But I sincerely want to lift woman up as a whole and remind everyone that strength and inner beauty are what is important and that if I can accomplish this, certainly anyone can. 

As proof this is the first bikini photo I took in a long time, back in March of 2013. I went to Maui last time the end of May 2013, so about two months or so later than this picture was taken.  I weighed around 160 pounds in this photo. I know this because I was still recording my weight weekly.  This photo was exactly March 10, 2013.

And yes, I was around 160 pounds.  This morning I weighed 147.1 pounds.  So approximately 13 pounds difference between this picture and all those photos I posted above. Doesn’t seem like a crazy lot of weight difference and yet the pictures show a totally different story.  Muscles. Confidence.  2 years of lifting heavy things. 2 years of finding myself and my happiness. 2 years of not giving up.  And to think that photo of 160 pounds, while I certainly didn’t love it, was a far cry from the 225 pounds when I started. That photo was me down 65 plus pounds.  This is why I say anything is possible. Of course I do put in a crazy amount of work for it.  But this is also why I had one of those moments last night where I just didn’t believe the image in the mirror.

Happiness is something that is very hard to really hold on to, but I am trying with all my might. I really barely recognize this girl but boy am I in love with her.  I really do hope she sticks around for a while.  And on that note, I was thrilled when I weighed myself and the scale said 147.1 this morning. Last week it was 147.3. So technically I lost .2 pounds.  I am mostly happy because last week was such a crazy loss that I was afraid it wasn’t real at all so to see it maintain and go down a smidge was happiness.  I will totally take it.  Especially since my Friday-Sunday eating was pretty bad.  I’m not ready to refocus and eat well this weekend and kick some more butt.  Maui in 3 months from today actually.  I leave on September 18 so 3 months to the day.  I’m ready to bring my best hot body to the beach where I will then proceed to drink fruity mixed drinks to my heart’s content. (After I run a marathon and all)  It’s going to be so much fun!