Thursday, June 4, 2015

Inner Dialouge of a Tired Woman



Well the standard 48 hour sore rule is in full effect today. Typically speaking I experience my highest volume of soreness two days after working out.  Today my legs hurt.  Still not insane, insane but enough that I am uttering the words ouch and eek a lot. It is noticeable. And now, thanks to last night, my upper body is joining in on the sore fun.  Of course following this 48 hour rule means tomorrow is when that might be the most on fire.

I really didn’t want to make my legs sore. That wasn’t my goal. But I rationally also know I can’t go the entire next 4 months without doing any leg strength training so therefore I will have to occasionally endure the pain and run thru it.  It’s actually a catch 22, because to become a better runner I need to build strength in my legs.  Lifting actually does make me a better runner after I am not so sore.  It’s nice to know that even when I take a hiatus from lifting so much that I still have what it takes to make myself sore.

Tuesday night really was an epic night at the gym for me. So much so that yesterday all day I was excessively hungry.  I ate far more than I normally do during the day but it was out of total hunger. And exhaustion and soreness.  I wasn’t too excited honestly to go to the gym last night. I kept trying to talk myself into it, and then I’d talk myself out of it. Last evening the struggle was so particularly real that I was the closest I’ve ever come to quitting.  But I am not a quitter.

I drove myself to the gym. I was in my workout clothes.  I pulled into the gym parking lot and I literally was having an argument inside my head as I let the car run in the parking lot.  Like I couldn’t even turn the car off because I was still trying to continence myself that I could just pull right back out and go home.  I probably sat there with this internal dialogue for 3-5 minutes. Time seems to drone on excessively in these types of situations. 

“But you don’t have to. You are tired and you worked so very hard the last two nights. It would be okay and you’d be nice to your body if you just gave it a rest day.”

“You are already here Emily, just go in and warm up and do a slow 1.5 mile run and then take it from there. You don’t have to do your entire workout list.”

“But you should listen to your body. It’s telling you to rest. So you should rest.”

“Stop it. You’ve already ate excessively today and if you go home now you will just continue to eat more. Stop the maddens now and go in there and do something. This moment right here, right now, is what makes you the champion you are. This is what defines your character. This is the difference between people who are successful and those who fail.  Do it.”

There was honestly not a single good reason for me to not go in there. Yes, I was tired sure but I wasn’t THAT tired. It’s not like I was going on night 6 of working out.  It was only the 3rd night and I could manage.  Yes, I had great workouts Monday and Tuesday where I obviously killed my legs in addition to running 11.5 miles in those 2 days. But still none of this is too out of whack for me.  I was just being lazy.  And as soon as I told myself it would be my victory to go into the gym I turned the car off. I grabbed my keys, my water bottle and my earphones and headed inside. Victory.

I immediately went to the bathroom where the same conversation played out in my head.  I don’t want to be here, I want to go home. I’m so tired. Shut up stupid voices. You just walked into the gym, you aren’t turning around and walking out.  Up to the treadmill I went for a slow warm up run.

I didn’t want to put any pressure on myself so I immediately just started the thing at 5.5 miles per hour. And I did this for a minute before I went, this is stupid, this is too slow for me. So I went to 5.8 miles per hour which is my normal I can maintain this speed for a long time kind of run. I wasn’t trying to kill it. I wasn’t even trying to run last night.  In fact my training plan called for a rest day but the only way I really know how to effectively warm my body up is with a little jog. So I was just going to jog for like 15 minutes or 1.5 miles.

But after a few minutes I felt pretty comfortable and decided to just do 2 miles.  So a little over 20 minutes I did 2 miles and then ended it. Headed down to try and tackle my preplanned out upper body workout.


The thing is, last night called for adaptation.  The cable machines were all in use so I had to just go over to a bench and free weights and tackle those particular exercises first.  I kept telling myself that if I just put in an hour at the gym, no matter where I was on the list that would be fine. I get to play little tricks with my brain to keep me going.  Even if I secretly know they are lies.  You tell yourself whatever you need to tell yourself to keep going.  This has always been my motto.

You see, working out on almost every level is mostly mental.  Yes, there is a physical component. Your body gets tired and has a break point but more than anything it is about being mentally tough to push thru your self-imposed limits.  I have thought about this component a lot lately.  This is the difference between Chris & I.  I am mentally tough.  I set my goals and even when I don’t want to, I am mentally strong enough to just make it happen.

This is so particularly true in running.  I know sometimes I make it sound easy to run a half marathon but it is not.  There is nothing easy about running for over 2 hours without stopping.  It requires a constant inner dialogue where I have to talk myself into continuing to take each step and not walk.  Yes parts of it are “easy” and blissful and the best case scenario is I get to lose myself in my thoughts. But it all comes back to being mentally tough enough to finish what I start.

This is where lists come into play.  I pretty much solidly know that if I make a list I will finish what I start.  While I had to modify last night and adapt, ultimately I finished every single exercise on that list.  In a different order than planned but I still finished them all.  Sure I was tired and ready to be done and only didn’t do 2 of the exercises on the list but all be damned I wouldn’t have felt right unless I walked over to those machines and finished those last 2 ones.  I had to be able to say I completed this list.  It’s just the person I am.  Finish what you start.

Last night did not result in a high calorie burn.  Straight up strength training doesn’t.  But it is necessary and ultimately beneficial for a ton of other reasons.  So yes, at the end of the day I only burned 400 something calories (and 150-200 of those were from my 2 mile run).  But I did a complete upper body workout that I actually feel this morning and that is what is important.  More important is the reality that I did it to begin with.  Pushing your mental limits is as important as your physical limits.  Marathons are all run with heart and your head anyway.  It’s important sometimes to keep stretching your minds ability.

So I did it. I am proud of myself. Upper body sore to match lower body sore. In the last 3 days I’ve ran 13.5 miles.  Tonight I am supposed to run 3 miles on my training plan. To be perfectly honest it’s easier than trying to do anything else. I will run my 3 miles. I will do something else. I am not exactly sure what, but I will do something. And then I rest on Friday. That will be a needed rest day. Saturday I run 3.1 miles.  Then it’s my 4 year wedding anniversary.  We are going to go see a movie, Aloha, because hello its Hawaiian and it looks like my kind of thing.  And then Sunday morning it’s a half marathon for this girl.  So if everything goes exactly according to plan, as it should, that means this week will result in almost 33 miles ran.  Not too shabby. Plus a killer leg and upper body workout.  I’d say a VERY successful week.

Now the goal for the weekend would be to not crazy over binge but we will see. I really think its these weekends that are clearly holding me back from actual weight loss.  Not that weight loss is truly the goal. I am not certain that it is. It’s always in the back of my mind but it’s not the most important thing clearly.  I mean, my weight is ever so slightly, and I do mean slightly going down.

Case in point 2 weeks ago I was 151.2, last week I was 151.1 today I was 150.9.  So yup, in 2 weeks I’ve lost 3 tenths of a pound. I mean I guess it’s better than gaining 3 tenths of a pound. Clearly my body is incredibly comfortable with all levels of everything I am doing. Food/weekend binges/exercise/running. Realistically maintaining around 150 pounds is a great place to live. I accept it.  I mean, I am a strong fit girl. Never going to be a toothpick skinny thing. Not my body type.   Just a crazy real girl here.  Curves and all.

Mostly excited for tomorrow, rest day and then all the fun that is to be had this weekend. This is why I do all the things I do. To get to the weekends and have these epic experiences.  I am never happier or more satisfied than after I’ve ran a half marathon. Jonzing for my fix this weekend.  Oh, and the sun is shining today, out and bright and that clearly makes me a happy girl. Yeah. 



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