I find I have some major complexities going on in my brain
today. Never underestimate the simple
power of kindness. Being kind to one
another, on a human level is so underrated.
It is beyond powerful and one of the simplest things we can do and yet
so often we don’t. I truly wonder why
that is? Do we grow up and suddenly forget that the easiest way to connect with
another human being is simply being kind?
Never underestimate the power of nice words strung together
at the most opportune time. Sometimes they can have a lasting impact on
someone. I am sorry for all the vague-ness
but mostly I just wanted a personal reminder that kindness from strangers does exist
in this world and if said and done at the exact right moment can touch your
soul in a profound way. And given the
nature of it being a relative stranger and all they will never fully know the
impact that their words can have on you.
So to random stranger I simply say thank you for your meaningful impact
on my life. It was exactly what I needed
at exactly the right moment.
Now with that said, I also have learned another valuable
lesson in the past couple days. The value of friendship. As we all may or may not know I do not have a
ton of close personal friendships. That
was something that was never fully developed in my life. I suppose it’s for the
same reasons that boyfriends never came easy to me. It’s for the same reason that I don’t feel like
I even started to live any form of a normal life until I was 25. I was such a stunted emotionally child. I don’t really know why. I just didn’t
develop a lot of close lasting relationships.
Insecurity was ultimately the cause.
I wanted to be popular and fit in and have friends. It just didn’t happen. I guess I never felt worthy. My self-worth and identity were so messed
up. Hell, it still is. But at 36 I might finally be starting to
realize that I have worth. And I feel
sorry for the 16-22 year old me who literally walked around without any ounce
of self-love.
Remember this is the girl who literally ate lunch in the
library by herself her Senior year of high school because she had no friends. It seems so odd to be actually because I am a
nice girl. I think I have a decent
personality. I love with all my heart. And yet somehow I was so terrified of
rejection I’d rather sit alone in the back corner of the library than attempt
to have a friendship.
I’d envy television shows where people had these wonderful
close friendships akin to family. I
could not relate. I guess I have never
really trusted deep down that when someone got to know the real me, all of the
messed up fucked up inside that they would stick thru me thick and thin. That
they would love me as I am. Despite all
my flaws. I guess aside from romantic relationships this holds true with female
friendships as well. I was always the
girl on the outside looking in, somewhat longingly at female bonds.
I had a mild personal panic attack on Monday night and
despite not really talking to Amanda for a couple weeks, and knowing that we
have both been going thru our own issues and respecting our boundaries, I had a
total moment of freak out and texted her at like 6 PM and said I need to see
you right now, I have to talk something thru with you. And you know what, she was there for me. And last night I spent a great deal of my
evening just chatting with her. And I
realized beyond a shadow of a doubt I have a real friendship. I have someone who has my back no matter
what. Someone that I love and adore.
Sure we get frustrated with each other and take different paths from time to
time but ultimately when it counts I can count on her. It’s been over 2 years now and we are still
friends. I trust her with my deepest darkest secrets and she trusts me with
hers. This is what those close female
bonds feel like from the inside.
I had a sex and the city moment today where I was beyond
grateful for this friendship in my life.
Knowing that you could have someone know your dirty laundry and talk you
down off a ledge. That is real. And that transcends a lot of other
circumstances in your life. This is a
real friendship and that makes me smile. It may have taken a very long time to
get here but alas I realized I have one of those genuine Hollywood style
friendships. This is happiness.
So on that note, while things are all together way to
chaotic right now I shall just say that I am thankful to love myself at the
ripe old age of 36. Thankful that I have
discovered that I am worthy of genuine friendships and kindness. That I have a lot to give to the world.
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