Discontent

Some days I feel so great; on top of the world actually and then other days I realize how little I really have figured out anything. Today is definitely the later. Today I feel lost for some reason. When you are a little kid when you looked into the future did you really ever see yourself exactly where you are right now; today? If you can honestly answer that with a yes than congratulations more power to you oh and wait, what the hell is your secret? Did you set unbelievably low expectations for yourself or are you just a contended generally happy person? I guess on Facebook I see women who are stay at home moms raising their kids who “appear” to have it all or at least be at exactly the place they want to be at in their lives and I find myself so envious. Not of the stay at home mom part but at the pure happiness they seem to have. Notice how I obviously say all this with a grain of salt because we all know Facebook is probably one of the least accurate portrayals of truth out there but it’s a nice fantasy isn’t it? God knows what is really going on underneath it all. Most people don’t have blogs to document the true neurosis of their inner brain.

Today, this rather ordinary Wednesday, I am having a whole who the fuck am I kind of moment. I’m having a; I haven’t figured out shit and is this what I really want kind of moment. You may ask in reference to what, but the truth is, it’s in reference to everything and nothing all at the same time. How’s that for complicated. I guess it’s just growing pains which I have never been very good at. I am nothing if set in routine, reliable and consistent and the slightest wind in the sails and I don’t like the outcome. I read a pinterest the other night about change being incredibly difficult. Here, I’ll post it;



Nothing in my life has particularly changed other than the slow every day changes that shift and occur but suddenly today I just feel so out of whack. Yup, my chi is off balance. Suddenly today I find myself not sure how the person staring back at me in the mirror is. I feel majorly discontented with every aspect of my life. Like somehow, somewhere I’ve steered myself off course. I wish I knew where that course was supposed to lead me to begin with so I could get back on it, but I don’t know.

I guess I’m just having one of those days where I feel like I’ve missed the boat on something big and crazy that I should be doing in my life. Like somewhere along the way I clearly made a wrong decision. As much as I generally love my job, today I feel miraculously unfulfilled. Like I am wasting away my life sitting in this office. Like this doesn’t make me happy one little bit. And then there is my personal life which has gone thru its series of challenges this past week or so. Really years actually. But nonetheless, like maybe something is missing from all of it. Ugh. I hate that. My brain is being a whiny discontented little bitch today and I just want to make these thoughts dissipate. I’m having a moment of thinking that I am just wasting away the happiest moments of my life. Like maybe I should have been a mom? I would have been a good; albeit slightly crazy mother. Or maybe I should have embarked down a different career path that actually left me challenged and completed.

Funny this is, most of time I really enjoy my life. Most of the time I love my job; am completely contended with the quality of my life, etc. But just lately, those winds of change have shifted ever so slightly and left me wondering what if. What if I could actually be one of those people who was truly happy and got what they wanted out of life? Why do I so consistently stand of the precipice of having what I want and choosing fear instead. Fear keeps one stuck doing exactly what they have always done. Finding excuses as to why things aren’t possible when even I know that anything is possible if you really want it bad enough.

I guess we all want more out of life. I suppose the grass is somehow always greener on the other side. Be thankful for what you do have I guess. Be thankful in the moment that you are presently living because nothing is ever guaranteed.

I sit in my office staring at a pile of work that I need to do but can’t for the life of me get myself to do because I am feeling so uninterested in any of it. I am uninterested in my own life. I blame my period I guess. Damned hormones running amuck. But still, if period hormones can make you question your whole existence isn’t that probably some truth to it? At its core isn’t some part of you slightly off? Maybe I need happy pills, maybe that is the answer. Maybe a little pill in a bottle can take away some of the fuzzy rolling around in my brain. Or perhaps that is my coup out to actually dealing with the real issues. I have a tendency to do that. I run away from all my problems. Like literally don’t answer the phone, ignore the email, walk in the other room, shut down. Anything to avoid having to actually deal with a problem.

And today my biggest problem is how unsatisfied I actually am. I feel like I should/could be doing more with my life. I just don’t know how to get it. This doesn’t make me happy anymore. I feel like in order to be truly happy I need to find a different outlet. I feel like I want to connect more with people than sitting in an office by myself actually allows. Thank God for the internet or else I would certainly had to have quit by now.

I guess I just am having one of those days today. The Wednesday hump of it all. I am sure tomorrow I will feel better as the weekend approaches. At least I hope I will. Happiness is a hard pill to consistently keep down. Some days it just eludes you no matter what you do. No matter what you have in your life I guarantee there is someone wishing for it right now. So as bad or as discontented as I may feel I am certain someone would rather be in my spot right now for sure. I need to keep a mental note of the reality that it can always be worse. I have a good life, I really do. So get over the bitching already!

It’s my lunch time and I am going to go outside in the sun which might help improve my mood a little and of course tonight I have my three 30 minute workout classes to look forward. 1.5 hours of fun! Hopefully stress relieving fun! I just wish I “had” this a little more than I do. That’s all.