I don't want to but I will anyway

Good morning. Good afternoon. Whatever you want to call it.  It feels much later than it actually is to me because I did manage to get myself up for a second time this week to run before work.  I guess the more you do something the more of a habit it will become? It’s ever so “slightly” easier to wake up, but not really in the grand scheme of things.  I tell you, only this marathon shit is going to get me to get up.  In all the time I’ve been working out I’ve barely ever managed a pre work workout.  It’s this marathon and my driving determination or fear. Perhaps its fear of failure that really motivates me to put in the work.  Either way, I did it.  But let’s not jump ahead of ourselves.  Let’s back the train up to yesterday, where we last left off in the thrilling, exhilarating life of Emily.

So yesterday afternoon I totally hit a wall. A crazy, I just don’t want to, any of it, kind of wall.  I really didn’t want to work out. I was really tired and exhausted, but ultimately I knew that I needed to. That my plan had to stay on track because it really is just what I do in this life.  I am beyond motivated.  I am certain that in reality from here on out there won’t ever be a time in my life where I possess this much determination for a single purpose.  Maybe I will find something.  But there is nothing like it being the “first” and being relatively terrified of it that will motivate you.  I wasn’t that terrified of running a half.  I was terrified the night before for sure, but leading up to it I wasn’t really that scared.  I knew I could easily run 6-8 miles and I figured I could mentally muscle out the rest.  But a full marathon.  That is terrifying.  I know what it feels like to run 13.1 miles.  Very well.  And then to turn around and do it all over again.  Yup, reasonably terrified.  So I put in the work to make it feel less terrifying as a whole.  But not going to lie, last night was one of those nights where I really didn’t want to.

I went to the gym.  I knew I needed to run 3 miles and then I had Amanda’s strength  training class which is generally one of my favorite classes all around.  When I got to the gym I talked to Amanda for a while and then I forced myself on that treadmill.  I have really come to loath treadmill running. It’s crazy to me how many hours I have logged on a treadmill in my former life.  That version of me ONLY ran on treadmills and clearly found some sort of peace with it.  This girl, the girl I am today, just ugh.  Treadmills are akin to torture.  But whatever.  Sometimes very necessary.  So I got on the thing and just put it at a 5.5 pace.  The thing is, I can’t find any motivation to run faster on a treadmill typically. And I know the first couple minutes trick your brain into thinking all running is going to suck.  So I figured I’d build my heart rate up naturally and I’d eventually increase the speed a little if I felt it.

Also, this yesterday 4 days in a row of running, which I don’t believe is always recommended so I thought, hey I could go slower if my body needed it.  I spent about 5 minutes at that pace before kicking it up a tenth of a notch.  I ran for a couple more minutes and was like, heart rate is balancing out.  Adrenalin is kicking in.  I can do this.  Up to 5.8.  Then after about 1.5 miles, halfway thru my 3 mile “planned” run, I was like, I can do more.  Up to 6.  And then eventually it went 6.2.  And eventually I just kept running and it felt okay and I had a couple extra minutes before class so I did 3.5 miles.  But the last 2-3 minutes I really upped my game you see, I took that bad boy’s speed up to 7.2.  You heard that right. I ran at a 7.2 for like 90 seconds or something.  That’s impressive to me because that is a sprint for my short little legs.  No joke on a treadmill which is just fairly awful.  So yeah me. And then it was off to class.

I have realized that in the last month or two realistically that I have slightly been not working my legs as hard in classes.  It’s intentional.  It’s because I don’t want to make my legs so sore that I can’t run.  Running is my main focus for the next 7 weeks obviously.  And last night in class she declared it a heavy leg/butt day. I was like, sigh.  But I did it all of course. But I don’t think I am working quite as hard as I actually could.  I am okay with that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m working.  I just prefer to be able to walk correctly in order to run correctly.  But I sweated, I did it.  It was all good.  And when I was done I felt like a crazy happy I got this high. Because I really didn’t WANT to do that one.  I really didn’t.  As evident by the afternoon Instagram I posted where I was like, Nope, don’t want to. 

 

So that was a success all around for me. Thank goodness. And then I went home, and tried to get all my stuff together to get myself up this morning to run. And then I remembered I needed to find a dress to wear to said funeral tonight after work.  I can’t really wear jeans after all.  And it is HOT. Like in the 100’s kind of hot here and I need a dress. So I was trying on a couple and found this ensemble I am going to be wearing tonight.

I can’t believe how good I felt in that dress. I’ve owned this dress for a while.  I love the dress, but am always so nervous that my stomach fat or rather extra skin is going to look hideous in this tight dress.  And at some points in my life it has. It’s been too much for me to even slightly consider wearing it out in public.  I am not certain I actually ever have worn it out in public. Until today. It’s going to happen tonight because even if it isn’t perfect. Even if from some angles or what not things are a little extra poochy, it is still pretty damned good.  So I will take it! And smile because I earned that body.

Oh, and totally forgot. Speaking of that body.  I got up and weighed myself this morning per my typical Thursday morning routine.  Now I don’t know if it was slightly skewed because the weigh-in happened at 5:30 AM instead of my normal 7:00 weigh in, but nonetheless, despite yesterday it being up a little, today it was down a little.  Actually more than enough to satisfy me. 

140.5

Yup, there you have it.  140 point freaking five.  This is a .8 almost pound loss from last week.  Pretty amazing all things considered. I guess it is possible to turn around some of damage you cause in 3 days’ time.  Perfectly on track, healthy Monday thru Wednesday and the scale is down.  We all do realize how close that number is inching to 140 even and then into the shudder 130 something.  Okay, like 139.9 but anything with a 3 as the second decimal place is kind of crazy surreal to me.  Sure I’ve been in that range in my life on multiple occasions but never for any real extended period of time. Never without probably systematically torturing myself to get there. Certainly not with all of the muscle that my body presently possesses.  I have seen 135 range on my body before.  But not anything like what my body looks like now. Not 140.5 with tons of pretty beautiful muscle. 

Weight is not really the goal for me, as I’ve often said, but it is still nice to see it going down when I’ve been working so hard.  And I’m not going to lie, I really do notice the changes in my body when my weight decreases.  Little amounts make a noticeable difference. I am finally starting to feel like my legs are maybe getting a smidge more firm.  Apparently it takes losing more and more weight for them to start to get slimmer. But I am starting to get comfortable in my own legs, which have always been my problem child.  I wonder what 5 more pounds could do?  That is essentially my goal now. 135 for Maui.  Not an unhealthy weight for me.  I am like 5 foot 2 and a half inches that I round up to 5 foot 3 inches.  I’ve been 135, I’ve been 132 for a second in time with forced starvation and binge exercising.  But the way I am doing it now is truly earned.  Deserved.  I’m eating tons of clean foods for the first time in like forever and exercising. And my body loves it.  It is responding so well to it all.

I have 7 more weigh-ins or weeks really until Maui.  In 7 weeks tomorrow I leave for my epic vacation/trip/experience.  I think 5.5 pounds in 7 weeks seems like a realistic goal, of course I am not going to kill myself to get it.  I also know at my weight and size that this could be an unrealistic goal too.  But it’s kind of my perfect moment in time goal.  My everything is lining up, the moon and the stars and the whole wide world into this one epic experience.  My marathon.  My trip.  I don’t know that I am ever going to regain this feeling.  I don’t know how I could maintain this level of happiness, so I am just going to enjoy it right now while I can. While I’m in the zone.  Nothing makes me feel more alive than working towards a tangible obtainable goal.  I don’t do well with abstract, build more muscle kind of goals. How do you obtain that or track it? I need things with a plan of action, like a marathon. Ha Ha.

I don’t have any unrealistic expectation that post Maui I will be able to completely maintain this level of excitement about working out, or running.  Or that I will even be able to maintain this body at this weight therefore I am just going to enjoy it for right now.  You never know though. Results are motivating. It makes me want to strive for more. But for now. I am just beyond thrilled with 140.5 Been a very long time since I’ve seen such a number. 

So now onto the reality that this morning I woke up and actually ran.  It wasn’t totally easy.  This is day 5 of running in a row. (13.1 miles, 3 miles, 6.5 miles, 3.5 miles, and then today 5 miles)  But I knew I needed to. I knew if I wanted any shot of not beating myself up all day and being pissed that I had to work out. I had to get it done. I actually felt okay when I started but eventually I crashed on the run. The first 3 miles were awesome.  Like 9:20 minute miles.  Then the reality is it got hot.  And it made me cringe for Saturday.  It was like 7:15 AM and it was too hot to be running. I felt my speed slow because of the heat.  And our half doesn’t even start until 8 AM.  It is going to be so fucking miserable I almost don’t want to.  But I am going to of course.  But It’s going to be painful in so many ways.  Turtle speed, slow and steady. Going to definitely be a 2:20 something half time.  I honestly don’t foresee anything different and give myself permission to slow down because of the heat.

But anyway, I didn’t have a set course or distance I wanted to run this morning. I was thinking at least 4 probably between 4-5.  But the heat was enough and since I didn’t really need the run on my plan as I neared the house around like 4.6 or 4.7 miles I was like just finish out the 5 miles, which never actually ends up being quite dead on when you are running towards your house I had to do a few steps past the house to just get an even number of 5.10 miles.  So pretty decent for the morning.  49:56 time, with 524 calories burned.  Damn-it, why couldn’t it say 1 more calorie.  I like even things.  But I am getting faster.  I know it. If I could kill the heat some that would help.

So now I get to go thru my day a starving puppy because that is what an AM run does to me.  In fact I ate my “lunch” at 10 AM.  I say lunch but it’s not really lunch. Mostly I just have a bunch of evenly portioned calorie/protein mini meals.  I give myself 4 of them during the day and try to space them out. I try to not eat until 11 AM but too hungry, ate at 10. It happens.  I actually planned on the starvation so I packed an extra serving of very boring and lovely grilled chicken.  It is not maybe the tastiest thing around but it’s quite effective.  Its healthy, clean and loaded with protein that helps state the appetite.  Just get thru this day and off to a funeral. Sounds like a blast right? Whatever, I will deal with it.

And of course this means a full 48 hour rest period for me before I run another half marathon on Saturday morning.  I do think this was the wisest decision over all for me.  I plan on resting tomorrow because generally speaking I think it’s a good idea to give yourself a day off before running a half.  I tend to do a little better.  I think my body needs the rest and the healthy nutrition that I intend to give it the next 48 hours.  I am going to need extra fuel and water for this particularly grueling hot half.

So there you have it.  All of the ramblings for today.  Be back at you tomorrow.