A PR and a bunch of CRAP

So this morning officially sucks. Yup, not a fan.  Not a fan because of how crappy I feel like some of the weekend went and therefore I am just in a horrible funk today. Not so cool.  I guess in true Emily fashion I need to back up to where we last left off in the life of Emily.  That would be Thursday afternoon after running a shit ton of errands around town.  Just for the hell of it, before camping I made this lovely little collage.

There, don’t have too much to say about that one really.  And then I went home, and quickly did all the things I needed to do to get ready for camping.  It was fine. No big deal there.  Stopped and got Subway so that we could maintain some semblance of healthy.  Then we went a camping.

Thursday night was totally fine.  I was perfectly on track and all was great.  We woke up Friday morning and I was determined to make camping my bitch.

I put on workout clothes and we were going for a run.  I actually felt great and didn’t over indulge. Life was pretty much a okay. Chris and I ran 6 miles around camp, nothing too fancy, nothing too fast. Just a comfortable 6 mile stroll and it felt good.  It felt good to be active and run and maintain my life.

After we ran I got into camping mode.  Still feeling pretty good about things.

I did notice more and more that every single person around me was in full on let’s eat everything and anything mode and of course this goes perfectly with the idea that every single person brings a giant container full of crap ass foods.  This is their choice and it’s fine. I totally get that.  I am stuck between a rock and a hard place mostly because I should be able to control myself and I don’t care if someone else eats crap all the time but it’s a fine line for those people who essentially are borderline binge eaters.  It is mostly best to not be around that kind of temptation.  Regardless, Friday I was still doing pretty good, went on some walks with my niece and my dogs.

And then the rest of the day was pretty chill.  I was good on eating mostly.  Then say around 9 PM or so, that box of Chicken in a biscuit crackers that had literally been staring me down all day got the best of me. I easily, quickly devoured half a box in a fuck it I don’t care moment.  But still I didn’t beat myself up over this.  I had run 6 miles that morning and was still feeling in control.  We went to bed and all was good.

Saturday morning I woke up and somehow the temptations got more and more and resisting got harder and harder. I think it was the lack of the run.  I woke up okay though.

And then somewhere between the approximate hours of 10 AM and 2 PM things really took a turn for the worse. I watched person after person eat item after item.  And I kept telling myself no, until I finally told myself yes.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  Yes, I am supposed to be able to live life, but why must this even be an issue?  It’s a control thing mostly.  I was losing control and that is what the trigger was.  Somehow I found myself downing buckets of peanuts. Not so horrible in the grand scheme of things and then I made my way to the licorice.  I was eating it like it was going out of style and then I had a moment of, “This doesn’t even taste good. Just stop.” I wasn’t eating for enjoyment. I wasn’t eating for comfort. I wasn’t eating because I was hungry.  I was eating in a binge filled, fuck it rage and I wasn’t even enjoying a thing about it.

The mental struggle is real sometimes and I had had enough.  I was also exhausted. Tired. Felt crappy.  And suddenly my tummy hurt. Physically felt disgusting. Like I wanted to vomit.  I went into my tent trailer and I am not going to lie I cried.  I cried because I hate this. I hate that any of this is an issue. I hate that my family must fill all of their “fun” with foods are terrible for you.  I hate that I have no self-control.  I hate that I am forced to exercise my self-control.  I hate that I am the outsider. I hate that no one else gives a damned about their health.  I hate that I am going thru some family issues right now that leave me feeling like the complete nut job of the family.  Everyone else can bond together to gang up on the outsider which happens to be me and my desire to be healthy and happy.

I sure wish there was more of the old Emily in there.  I can’t get the comment out of my brain because it hurts. It hurts me that while I am living a healthy happy life, truly the happiest I have ever been, the rest of my family is wishing I’d return to the old miserable fat Emily because it suits them better.  I get along better with everyone else when I will join them in their moments of reckless food abandon.  Maybe it makes them feel less guilty about their own lives. I don’t really know. But I know it hurts me.  I know their lack of support pushes me away and makes me want to run and hide and cry. 

I think by Saturday afternoon I had reached my breaking point. When your body is physically sick because it needs more nutrition than you have been giving it, I know I’m at my limit. Chris was gone fishing and when he returned I just wanted to go home.  Realistically we had planned on going home anyway to run our half yesterday so it wasn’t a stretch.  I had purposely avoided telling anyone we were leaving Saturday night (with the exception of my mom) because honestly I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear the crap I knew I’d get for leaving to go and run.  Because once again I’m insane for having such goals or desires.  So we packed up relatively quickly and were on our way. Thank God.

I felt awful at this point.  Physically. Mentally. And so on.  I got home.  We unpacked.  I ran to the grocery store for some ground turkey for spaghetti and determined to put the shit behind me.  I finally showered, which helped make me feel better and we ate.

I needed that healthy food. I didn’t care that I ate a ton of calories in crap food already.  I was not going to starve myself to try and overcompensate for the crap.  My body was mostly craving something real and nutrition and of substance.  The spaghetti was perfect.  We watched some TV and went to bed early because we had to wake up at 5 AM for our half.

We got to bed around 9:30 or 10 and honestly I slept great. Got a good amount of sleep.  Was slightly not awake in the morning when I got up but knew I’d be fine once we got there.  I had zero expectation for the half marathon. I was just grateful my husband was willing to leave camping to go and do it. I am grateful that I have one person solidly in my corner at this point.  This was a hard half marathon.  In fact of all the half’s that I’ve run this half last year was my 2^nd worst time ever.  It was not an overly easy run.  It wasn’t that crazy either but it was definitely challenging.  The first quarter mile is completely straight uphill. Like you are walking it. It does level out after that.  But mostly the entire course is some up and down hills. Not entirely easy by any stretch.  My “hope” was that I could finish somewhere between 2:15-2:20.  But really I never know how things are going to go.

I felt okay when I started. No pressure or expectation.  When you very first hit a giant hill, as I knew I would, and you instantly see your average pace drop to like a 13 or 14 minute mile because you are literally walking up a hill you are like, well this one is already shot.  But I tried to not let that affect me as once I finally got up the hill and was able to run I felt like I was going at a decent pace and the average pace started to go down.  Typically speaking for most of a race your average pace slowly but surely increases as you slow down.  This one was very different as ever so slowly my pace started to drop. That was kind of fun.

I found myself having amazing moments of awesomeness.  Periods of running a pace in the 8 something minute mile range.  Okay mostly the high 8 something. But this is fast for me. 8 anything including 8:58 is a crazy fast pace for me.  But my legs felt amazing.  So I just kept running. Despite being hilly, it really is a beautiful run around a lake.  One side is paved, the back half is trail running.  I am not a trail runner. It is much harder for me.  I don’t like lose ground and rocks and gravel. I don’t like muddy trails which at points it was. You have to be very careful of your step.  But I started to notice at some point in the 7-8 mile range that my average pace was 9:39 minute miles which was in fact that pace of my PR I set 2 weeks ago.  I was like, nah, no way.  But I ran on.  At mile 8 we entered into the path/trail running and I was like surely my pace is going to slow because I know I can’t keep this up.  But I ran on.  My legs felt great.  I felt alive.  I felt on fire really.  Like I had that little moment where suddenly it all was perfectly inline.  It all made sense. I am going to do this.  Secretly my brain said, you are getting close to being done and how cool would it be to PR on this crazy hard course?

I did slow at moments on the trail.  I watched my average pace bounce between 9:38, 9:39, 9:40, 9:41.  But I was in the range. I had hoped if I got close to the home stretch and I was at all in the range I could sprint it out.  But I wasn’t going to put any undue pressure on myself.  Just coming close to this range was exciting for me and validation that this is where I belong and of course that my marathon training plan was fully working. 

We finally cleared the trail run at like mile 10.75 or so and I was thankful.  So close to the finish now.  Pace was on point.  And I felt good.  Like last weekend was the worst physically I think I ever felt during a run, cramping and shooting pains and all, and somehow this week was the best I’ve ever felt during a run.  My pace wasn’t really slowing that much in the final 5k of the race. Typically the last couple miles I have to slow down.  Not this time. I was still ticking it off at an under 10 minute mile pace.  Holy hell. And I felt great.  So I ran on.  I hit the 13 mile mark very close to the finish line and saw the time was at like 2:05 something.  And I knew I was within range of my previous PR of 2:06:22 so I literally booked it.  I sprinted like I’ve never sprinted during an organized run before.  Clearly indicating to me that there was something left in the gas tank, that I hadn’t left it all out on the course if I was capable of that kind of sprint.  In fact the last .13 miles of the race my pace was 6:41.  I was RUNNING towards that finish line, and officially cleared this hilly course at 2:06:09.  Beating my previous PR by 17 seconds.  But more importantly there was zero comparison between these two courses’.  This one was challenging and I crushed it.  People don’t PR on this course, not unless it’s your first one! 

Happiness was an understatement.  I was in pure shock to be honest. I had zero idea or expectation that I would PR this run and especially after .35 miles when I was walking up that hill and my pace was such crap.  And yet, there it was.  Proof that things are definitely getting easier and this training shit is completely working. At times I don’t understand at all how this is working since it seems like I’m not doing anything too difficult and yet the proof is in these races. The proof is in the reality that I am maintaing speeds better and feel better with the runs.  This all leaves me terribly excited for Maui and the idea that I can really do this whole marathon thing. I don’t think it’s going to be easy by any means, but I have confidence that as long as I keep doing this plan that I am going to get there!

Which leads me to this little gem.

After I ran my half and recorded my run my marathon training app, My Asics sent me an email basically telling me they’ve noticed I’m doing better than I originally expected with the runs and perhaps I should make some adjustments and revise my plan.  For the hell of it I clicked on the link and they said based off my current runs and paces that they think I should adjust my plan from running a 4:53 marathon to a 4:17 or something like that. I laughed out loud.  Not going to happen.  No way at all I can keep that up for that long. But it was a lovely sentiment that they notice I’m basically doing way better than expected. Let’s just get thru a run longer than 13 miles and we shall see. Mmm kay….

My first longer run 15.5 miles is scheduled for August 15 or 16, that weekend so it is in fact coming up.  Eek.  First real test honestly.  First real step for me.  But I’m not thinking about that right now at all.  One day at a time.

So here is what happened yesterday post run.  I ate like shit.  Something about my mental game already being way off.  Something about having felt like I’ve already failed this weekend led me to eat things I should not have.  And too much food. As per typical of running a half I suppose.  Sigh.  But I tried really hard to keep things in check mentally.  And made these little collage to try and encourage myself.

I still went to bed not happy with myself.  Mad about the entire weekend as a whole.  To be honest my mom called me in the evening and honestly I was in a shitty mood already and then she said something and basically I unloaded.  It wasn’t pretty.  I feel constantly judged and told what to do, and how I should behave and feel and act and I’m having major issues, etc.  And I just let it all hang out there.  It was not a pleasant conversation honestly. I told her I hated that everyone ate like crap. I hated that everyone seems to judge me for trying to be healthy because clearly I am the odd man out in our family. WHATEVER.  It was not a fun time and I said things that I feel bad about but maybe they needed to be said. Maybe I was overreacting.  But it was the end result of a bunch of shitty things, and not enough clearing of the air. She asked about her new boyfriend and I was not exactly glowing about him either.  I don’t dislike him. I think he is fine. Honestly, I feel like he is going to be around for a long time honestly. I can see that they really like each other.  However I feel like he is just more of the same.  I am not sure I like how mom acts around him.  She is acting weird and I’m trying to figure it out. 

Here’s the thing. One of the things I have always admired most about my mom is her strength.  She has become such a strong confident woman these past years, maybe because she had to be, but I adored that about her.  She was self-sufficient and strong.  And all these amazing things.  The minute she gets around this guy I feel like she throws it all out the window. She plays the helpless victim, the damsel in distress, the take care of me thing.  It rubs me the wrong way.  Like, really, all this time, you’ve just been waiting for some man to come in and take over and take charge.  Sick.  He’s fine. He’s nice. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have any problems with him, but I’m just not sure.  I hope that it works itself out. I hope it’s just the newness of it all, but in a nutshell my mom just doesn’t feel like my mom right now.  And I don’t feel like I can go to her with stuff right now.  Like she’s totally off in her own world.  It’s just sad.  I am sure things will work themselves out but for the time being when my mom asked me last night what I thought, I couldn’t get myself to lie. I couldn’t force myself to lie about everything and say what she wanted to hear which is that he’s great and I love him.  I don’t.  I don’t know him.  It really has less to do with him and more to do with my mom.  And how she is behaving.  But whatever.  It’s all complicated, as it always is.

Which leads me to today, and this morning, which is where I woke up just ugh. Ugh with the food. Ugh with the mental state. Ugh with life.

I am trying to focus on the reality that today is a new day, a fresh start, and I can change my attitude.  I can get it right.  I can get this shit back on track. FYI, I FEEL like I gained a little weight. I feel like I fucked it all up. But I know this is just my guilt talking.  I know it’s my insecurity and the crap going on in my head that is causing this feeling.  I am sure after I put some work in today, and have a clean healthy eating day that I will feel better.  I know that my body needs to detox from the junk. I ate way to much junk this whole weekend and my body doesn’t feel good and healthy.  I can honestly feel it.  I am bloaty and poochy and I feel sick.  I need to detox and accept that life isn’t always perfect.  And hell, despite all the crap I ran my fastest half this weekend.  So there’s that.

I need a serious attitude adjustment. Hoping I get one today. I hate not being my happy, positive, healthy self.  It really affects me.  But perhaps just writing this all out will help me process it and move on.  I think my family stuff is really bothering me a lot.  And now my grandma’s funeral is Thursday and that is just going to be so much fun seeing everyone, NOT.  Ugh.  Whatever. Breath. Just Breath.