The one where I failed

 Here’s the scoop, I had a shitty weekend actually. Well, a slightly out of control, rock bottom kind of weekend.  I think we all have one of them on occasion.  You know the kind of weekend where you find yourself knee deep at a crossroads of either throwing in the towel or doing a drastic shake-up.  I had that moment this weekend. Like I spent 2 solid days (Friday night thru Sunday night) eating horrifically. I can’t even pretend like anything I consumed was at all nutritious. It wasn’t. I also can’t even pretend that any amount of exercise was done during this time period. It wasn’t. I had quite possibly the most unhealthy 48 hour stretch of time I’ve had in a very long time and it scared the ever living shit out of me. My brain had just checked completely out of the game.

Friday night we went to pizza where I ate I don’t know like half a pizza. Then we laser tagged, which was a lot of freaking fun!!! I actually loved it.  Saturday morning I did get up and walk a 5k with my mom and cousin.  But then I ate whatever and everything I wanted for the day. Totally lazy afternoon.  Sunday morning I was supposed to run like a half or at least a 15k. This did NOT happen.  This is where I checked out.  It was unusually cold and windy and stormy for us as of late.  Probably not unusual weather for March in Oregon. But unusual as of late and I just couldn’t stomach the thought of running 13.1 or even 9.3 miles in that. In that wind storm of rain.  In the cold. In the dark.  Ugh. I just couldn’t.  I had a moment of, what do I have to prove to anyone?  That I can do it? I already know I can. I don’t need to make myself miserable for anyone or anything. So I gave up.  Later in the day I felt horrific about this decision and it bothered me all day long. I felt like such a total failure. Yup, failure was the word that I used a lot.

Also, this was a race that had like 35,000 people and I didn’t really want to fight crowds and parking and all that jazz with all those people.  But yeah, I totally bailed on it. But the guilt was enough to make me eat a giant breakfast out (pancakes and eggs and bacon oh my!) and then cookies a plenty and of course for shits and giggles because we already bailed on working out for the day and ate like shit we decided we were too lazy to actually cook any dinner and somehow in the moment getting McDonalds for dinner seemed like the better option.  It wasn’t. As later in the night my stomach totally rejected the McDonalds if you know what I mean.  But of course probably not enough to not have ingested the calories from it. 

I know it’s okay to not be perfect and to eat crap from time to time, but the combination of failing miserably at food and then failing miserably at exercise was this total what the fuck moment for me.  Like a total wake up call.  This needs to stop. This is not cool.  Something in my life needs to change on some level in order to correct this horrific trend.  I guess the failure feeling was a lot, too much for me to take because I don’t normally flake on exercise. I am not normally a failure in that arena and I HATED the feeling. Like HATED it to my core.

Yesterday I walked around feeling like I had failed at life and even worse didn’t even want to go to the gym. But I did.  Where I was greeted to the 4^th gym shake up in 2 months that has occurred since the new owners purchased the gym.  The gym was closed Saturday and Sunday as they painted the gym an obnoxious red color and moved pretty much every single piece of exercise equipment around to the point I don’t know where anything is at.

To make matters worse the gym has pretty much declared treadmills the enemy as they have repeatedly and consistently said on Facebook that they have no intention of just “renting treadmills” to clients.  What was once a beautiful bank of 30 treadmills on the upper level, which were mostly used in the evenings mind you, was eliminated and squished down to about ¼ of its former glory. Yup, they got rid of treadmills so that now I clearly will have to fight for treadmills. 

All of this would be bad enough if it wasn’t 100% abundantly evident last night that my gym is CLEARLY the gym of bodybuilders.  It was uncomfortable and intimidating.  Yeah, sure we are supposed to be there for ourselves and who really cares who’s around us, blah blah blah. But come on, I can be as happy and confident in my own body as I will ever be, but still not want to be around a bunch of people (both men and women) who walk around with cocky attitudes and a superiority complex simply because they have psychotically rippling muscles.  It is horrific.  It was uncomfortable. It made me uncomfortable and it downright made my mom feel entirely out of place. 

I found a treadmill and ran.  Just observed the gym below me where I took a good look at where we were at now.  In all honesty had I gotten off that treadmill that apparently the gym itself is so opposed to, I would not have known what to do.  All the weight areas were filled to the brim with muscles that honestly I didn’t want to get next to. Mostly because the dirty looks one gets by simply trying to work out in their area. 

This morning my gym posted a lovely message about how would you eat at a restaurant that you didn’t like and always complained about? Why would you go to a gym that you didn’t care for? If you don’t like the gym, then maybe we aren’t the gym for you. Seriously the words on his Facebook post.  I’m like, okay I get it. Maybe it really is time for me just to move the fuck on.  Actually last night as I was on the treadmill talking to my mom (while I ran like a good girl!), we discussed the reality that it might be time to move on and that there is another gym close to this gym that might be the one for us.  I pay $25 a month for my membership right now. This other gym is $27 a month, so obviously comparable.  But they have a onetime $75 joining fee.  Not bad, and totally do-able, but I didn’t want to do it until I was ready to really leave this gym.  I felt it last night. I felt so out of place and no gym should ever make you feel that way.

As if the universe gave me divine intervention, this gym, the Kroc Center, the one we were discussing went and did something massively huge in my books today.  They hired Amanda.  As in my friend, my trainer Amanda.  For a job as a supervisor overseeing all the other trainers, helping them, and get this, she will be in charge of the class schedule. She will get to teach classes again and set it all up.  The universe is clearly directing me in the correct path.  This means that she will get to teach Iron Power (strength training) and Kick (kickboxing) again and I felt relief.  I felt total complete relief.  Like I know 100% this is what I am supposed to do.  Like I am done with this gym.  I’ve been done for quite a while but just trying to figure out what else I was supposed to do. And this is it.

This gym or rather community center also has pools and a rock wall. And spin bikes for spin class, which I have never had the luxury of taking.  And I felt such happiness in my heart that I could make this change and never have to go back and see this Extreme Edge gym again. Of course, I will be going there tonight and probably again until I really mix things up. But somehow going tonight is bearable knowing that I am almost done with this place.  That the end is in sight.  Of course I need to go check the place out; I have never actually been to the new gym. But my mom has and she liked it.  But really it doesn’t matter that much because it will have Amanda and classes and it’s close to my home, close to the current gym and I can manage this in the evenings. It’s like the universe finally delivered some good amidst the horrible change at the gym.

I should point out that I did run last night and I felt GREAT. I also think that I felt so guilty over not running on Sunday that I kind of willed myself into loving it.  I ran 7.5 miles in about 76 minutes and burned about 750 calories. It was pretty perfect and I felt pretty happy after. So I guess in the end I kind of needed to prove to myself that I wasn’t quitting or throwing in the towel. That I just had a shitty weekend but it doesn’t define my journey. That I can still run. And pretty much run with ease on occasion. So I guess I’m not quitting after all.  I guess it’s just time for the change up. Maybe I get to actually take some classes again. Yippee!!!

I’m not actually looking forward to the gym tonight in all honesty and perhaps that is when I know it’s time for me to move on too.  I don’t really want to go there and fight all those body builders for machines while silently being given dirty looks.   Amanda starts next week at the Kroc center, so perhaps I will probably join this weekend and therefore maybe this shall be my last week. That would be really cool honestly!

Come hell or high water, no matter what this Sunday I have a 7 mile run that I am going to do. Even if it is raining and yucky I am not bailing on it.  And I’ve got plans and I’m not quitting.  Sometimes you just need a really shitty weekend to remind you of what is important and make you refocus on the bigger picture.  To remind myself that I still need motivation and to push myself from time to time.  But I have a feeling that things are going to get better from here on out!