Spartan Up

 Yesterday was a rough one. Overall I just wasn’t feeling any of it.  But I survived and I’m here and I feel better today so that is the silver lining in all of that.  The other silver lining, I made myself go to the gym last night despite seriously having more than one moment of doubt, of strongly considering bailing on the whole thing.  My life is pretty set Monday thru Thursday I go to the gym, that is just what I do.  It’s almost like I have this idea or hard time realizing that I don’t have to.  Like it’s not a job, there is nothing or no one that is requiring it of me. Well, other than myself that is.  And then when I get that weird moment where I am like, screw it, let’s just go home I have to do a double take because I’m like, no I can’t. But then it’s like, oh yeah, I really could.

I guess it’s a good thing that it’s so engrained in my brain to go to the gym that it honestly feels like I have no other alternative.  It’s a good habit to have.  When I got to the gym, I had a few moments of standing there talking to my mom where I really didn’t want to do anything. Do you sense a pattern here?  But I decided that I needed to do at least a 30 minute 5k run.  That so long as a finished 3.1 miles that would be good enough.  So reluctantly I walked up the stairs to the treadmills. I got on my favorite treadmill by the window where I run 90% of the time (the other 10% is because its occupied already) and told myself that I just needed to do ½ an hour and then I could call it.

About 5 minutes into my run someone got on the treadmill next to me. This rarely happens at the gym because we have a lot of treadmills.  For whatever reason the moment this happens that stupid little competitor in you takes over. Or curiosity perhaps.  I didn’t mind so much as she started out walking.  I was like, stay the course, keep your stride.  Then she started running.  I couldn’t help but as casually as possibly, without drawing attention to myself, try and look over at her speed.  Ugh she was running a little faster than me.  I had to calm my brain down.  Stay the course I thought. Perhaps she is only going to run for a little while and my total distance will eclipse her.  Why do we do this? Why must we instantly become competitive when I am not a competitive person?  I don’t really care at all when I’m running if someone runs faster than me. I am not trying to beat anyone but myself, but put me on a treadmill next to someone and the psycho comes out.

I had to talk my brain into staying put. I wanted to up my speed.  I refrained. I kept my current comfortable speed.  The one I knew I could keep for 30 minutes.  So she ran for a while and then she walked.  There it was.  And then she ran some more and I glanced over and it was only like 1/10 a speed faster than me and I was like okay.  All the while I kept running my speed.  And eventually, around 25 minutes she stopped all together.  And I was still running, my consistent speed.  And I remembered that one cannot possibly judge anyone else, it matters nothing.  I have no idea what this girl’s goals are or what she’s running for, or what she did earlier in the day or what she planned on doing after that.  You cannot possibly judge anything by a single moment in time, a snapshot of someone.  And the same holds true for me. 

I am not running particularly fast on that treadmill but based on one single evening, one run, no one can possibly know what I achieved on the running front last year. No one could possibly know that I run half’s and that I am going to run a full marathon.  Based off my 30 minute run at a moderate speed no one knows anything about me.  And it really doesn’t matter at all. Because I know. I know what I’ve done, what I can do, what I am working towards.  I know what my training plan looks like, and what races I have forthcoming.  And last night only called for a solid consistent not over the top 30 minute run. And that was good enough.

So I ran my 5k. And I felt better. I didn’t feel 100% like I was all in, but I felt better about things. I decided that I really needed to do something else, anything, I didn’t really care. So I got on the stair climber next to mom and chatted with her while I walked up and up and up forever, getting nowhere which is the nature of stair climbers.  That thing is brutal. It doesn’t take long for me to literally be dripping sweat.  It’s funny because my heart rate is the same as it is when I run but I sweat 3 times as much on a stair climber than I do on the treadmill. I might be majorly conditioned to running or something. I did 20 minutes on the stair climber, I was soaked from head to toe in sweat and I called it good enough. I had burned 500 calories for the evening and I felt like that was more than enough for me considering it was a struggle to even get myself to the gym. This was a victory all around.

I went home, showered all that nasty sweat off of me and felt better.  Then my brother in law decided that it was time for us to sign up for a Spartan race and started a group text message thread with me and my cousin who did the freeze race with me.  I have to admit that I quite scared of the Spartan race.  I am pretty certain this is the cream of the crop, the hardest of the hard in terms of obstacle races and honestly it looks terrifying, like worse than anything I’ve seen.  And I am not sure I want to do it. Not really because I’m scared, but because I’m honestly not sure if it looks like fun to me. But my brother in law really wants to do it and has mentioned it time and time again so I finally agreed and said okay.

So I signed up for the stupid thing only to discover, horrifically, that they require a mandatory insurance for $14. It’s not the cost that horrifies me, it’s horrific because you have to purchase additional insurance which freaks me out, like there is a real severe possibility that you will get hurt on this course and that is what scares me.  I really don’t want to get hurt. I can’t get hurt. This race is August 8.  I am going to Maui September 18. I cannot get hurt. I simply will not allow it.  But it’s a little freaky. I’m not going to lie.

Amanda did Spartan last year and honestly she had a horrible time and said it was REALLY scary and she was seriously afraid of getting hurt. Plus she was completely black and blue afterwards. I saw her the next day and it wasn’t pretty. And that girl is in 1000% better shape than me.  But as my new life philosophy has been lately, you only live once right?  So I’m mostly just going with things, all things, even if they seem pretty terrifying. I don’t really understand where my insistent need to do these physical things come from, whether it is excessive gym time or running or obstacle races. Where does this crazy come from? Was I deprived as a child of any physical outlet? Possibly. But perhaps it was because I honestly never believed I was capable of anything physically until a few years ago.  I spent all of my adolescents in the shadows jealous of the athletic students who were popular and active because I truly didn’t believe it would ever be me. So now apparently I must make up for it tenfold. I guess I have plenty of time to build up to that and freak out later, it’s not until August anyway. 

As for the rest of it, while I am glad it’s Thursday and I am glad tonight is my last gym workout until next week.  I shall go and do my standard 1.5 mile warm up run and then tonight put together an intense upper body workout. After which I will be thrilled to leave the gym and be done for a few days. Done with the gym, not exercise.  Friday is laser tag and pizza with the family.  Saturday is a 5k with family. And then Sunday is that pesky half marathon or possibly 15k??? So undecided still.  Either way bare minimum is a 9.3 mile run this weekend possibly 13.1. I think that is far good enough all things considered.  We will really see.

But for now it’s time for me to head out and do work errands.  Let’s hope this afternoon flies by.