Working it out

So here is a truth I had conveniently forgotten about running; weekend morning running makes me hungry. Like excessively hungry.  And in an instant I remembered why despite running so many freaking miles last year my weight never actually went down. Running is an energy zapper and of course drainer of all forms of nutrition in your body.

My yesterday went something like this. Wake up early to drive to run. Eat a normal usual breakfast, but much earlier than normal. Run 5 miles uphill about the time you would normally be getting up.  Feel famished. Eat the red velvet cupcake “reward” for the run.  An hour later feel so famished you completely scarf down a giant sandwich. (Store bought of course; Big Town Hero) still hungry. Snack a little. Decide to take the doggies out to the dog park because it’s a beautiful day.  End up walking 4.5 miles around the park. (Had my Garmin on so I knew it really was 4.5 miles). Exhaust doggies completely and realize you are now completely hungry yet again. Stop at the grocery store get a Starbucks. Pretend like you are going to eat healthy. Come home and pretty much just eat and eat.  Ah yes, this is why it’s not really easy to lose weight while running a ton.  It wasn’t boredom eating, it was genuine hunger.  Of course I ate more than I burned by a LONG shot but it was still real hunger.

Aside from my food intake yesterday the rest of my weekend wasn’t much better but without the running excuse. Friday night I ate too much. Saturday I ate too much. Oh well I suppose. Pick myself back up and go at it again today. That’s about all I can really do.  And if I honestly want to lose weight I know the only thing that will really work is tracking my food and for some reason I still can’t quite bring myself to do that. It sounds exhausting and not fun. We will see though, at some point I might have to resort to that.

With all that said I had a pretty nice weekend. Friday night I went to my niece and nephew’s talent show at their school. Kayden and one of her little friends sang Shake it Off by Taylor Swift. And then both Kayden and Ethan did a ta-kwon-do routine together. But as a general rule an elementary school talent show isn’t that much fun, but it’s nice to be supportive. Saturday morning I woke up and went to the gym with my sister and brother in law and took a class. A strength training class. I kind of snuck into their gym. Kind of. I am not a member at that gym and a day pass is $10. So I just used my sister’s key card, pretended to scan it and walked in with them. It worked and I don’t honestly feel guilty. I wanted to try out the class. It was good; it was nice to do something a little different for a change. 

After class I went home and we took the doggies to the dog park on Saturday too. Yes, we took the dogs to the park two days in a row. Shocking for us. But it is so good for our dogs. Plus it was just a beautiful weekend out and a good way to get in some extra exercise as well.

I was kind of nervous about my run, kind of not.  It was just the 8k, which is about 5 miles. There was also a half which we didn’t do. I did feel slightly like a loser standing there not running the half, but that’s my own problem honestly. And truthfully I am still not sure I’m ready to do a whole half just yet. The 5 miler was hard enough honestly.  I felt pretty decent until the first hill which was pretty soon and then I remembered this race was exceptionally hilly. I did this race last year and yup, the whole thing is up and down, up and down. Over and over.  Because of the excessive hills I gave myself permission to just get the run done in under an hour. So long as I was 60 minutes or less I’d be happy.  That’s a 12 minute mile pace and given my lack of running lately I was going to be okay with that. And those hills. I was anticipating walking a lot of hills.

But in true race fashion once I start running, even if I’m not feeling like 100% percent I still try and give it my all. Or maybe it’s just that I want to finish for the torture to be over, I’m not quite sure how that really works.  I kept trying to tell myself to just enjoy the experience and the run. To not care about the time at all. Easier said than done. I ended up running pretty much the whole thing.  Even up those hills that were brutal.  5 miles seemed like a decent distance when all was said and done. Not sure I really could have pulled off 13.1 yesterday.  But I blew past my 60 minute expectation and came in at officially exactly 49 minutes 59 seconds, so a whole second less than 50 minutes.  I will gladly take that, hills and all. Given 8k is a little shy of 5 miles, that meant my pace was like 10:03 a mile and honestly I am quite happy with that. 

It’s a slow build up to get my body ready for a half again. My plan for the week is to do 1 30 minute run and then 1 60 minute run during the week.  Then Saturday I have a 5k I will most likely just walk with my mom and then on Sunday I have a 12k, which is 7.5 miles.  See the gradual build up here.  5 miles this weekend, 7.5 next weekend.  At least that course should be flatter than this one.  Now I’ve just got to figure out a way to not eat everything in sight post run.  Sure doesn’t help when they have delicious perfect looking red velvet cupcakes waiting at the finish line.  I was simply powerless against their pull. 

I will say this, running outside was far superior to my treadmill runs. The wind, the change in scenery, the fresh air. All more motivating than the hamster wheel that’s for sure.  I have to say though I’m having a sort of gym backlash right now.  I honestly think this same thing happened to me about this same time last year. I am bored of the gym, but more than anything I get tired of this preconceived notion that I “should” be anything. And by that I mean, as much as I love my gym friends sometimes it’s too much pressure to maintain some level of extreme that I don’t necessarily want.  No two people are at the same place in their life or desires.  And yet sometimes I feel like I am being judged because I don’t want to become extreme and be 125 pounds and compete in a body building show.  Like somehow where I am at and what I want is just not enough.  I’m feeling that old feeling of wanting to walk away a little, get my space, and remember that I am in control of myself and my life and if that means that I want to run on the weekends, every weekend and never step foot in a gym on the weekend that is perfectly okay, because it’s my life.  I learned a long time ago, or rather perhaps decided, that I wasn’t going to spend all my time and energy obsessing over my food and exercise.

I decided that I wasn’t going to be some extreme bodybuilder and I didn’t want that lifestyle.  Sure, when I see pictures of people who are working hard towards that and they look great I have pings of jealousy.  I’m only human. But I don’t want to give up living to achieve that.  Sometimes it’s hard to keep everything in check.  Sometimes it’s very hard to admit that I am not going to be perfect, that I can’t. Sometimes it’s hard to just accept that I’m good enough just as I am. This isn’t a bad place to be at. It’s just made harder to accept when you are surrounded by people who are pushing for more. It is like somehow it makes me feel bad about myself, like I’m not good enough because I won’t do the things you are doing to achieve some level of perfection that ultimately I’m sure would be unobtainable for me anyway.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense anyway. I’m mostly just rambling about shit. Okay, maybe I should clarify where this is all coming from. My friend, trainer Amanda worked out yesterday afternoon with another girl named Erica. I have a history with Erica of sorts. She is training for a bodybuilding show, she is Amanda’s friend.  Honestly I hate her. Well, hate is a strong word.  We just don’t see eye to eye and she bugs the shit out of me. She is very preachy not only about food and exercise but about actual religion too. And that drives me crazy. Anyway the two of them and a new girl were working out and they posted all these photos from their workout.  I admit I was jealous.  I was off running and they were doing that and seeing the photos just felt yucky to me. And I had to try and sort out why it was bothering me.  I don’t really want to be a bodybuilder. I am jealous of how naturally tiny these 3 girls are. I am not built that way at all. I am not now nor will I ever be tiny.  I am curvy. I am womanly. I guess I just need to accept that. And for the most part I do.  None of these girls have ever known the struggle that I know. Never faced the numbers on a scale I have seen. I can’t decide if somehow I’m desperate to fit in or if I just want to say fuck it and have your little party while I live the life I need to live to be happy.

Not going to lie, it’s a real toss up. And my conflicted mind makes me just want to run away. Cause that’s pretty much what I do when I don’t like a situation. I just ignore it. Run away so to speak.  Instead of confronting my emotions or accepting that I’m better off living my life, I’ll just pretend that I don’t care at all and push them away. Sounds legit right?  I guess it doesn’t matter all that much. I’ve really got my own goals in my mind and I need to do the things I need to do to be happy and achieve them.

I need to remember that everything we see at surface level is just that, simply the surface. I have no idea what is really going on underneath it all. Life is always more complicated than face value.  At the end of the day I have to be happy with my choices and my life. With my husband by my side, and my family, the people that really matter the most. That’s what’s important.  Other people can come and go in my life, but at the end of the day I do know what matters.  And I have an amazing family.  Even when we are all annoyed with each other, when someone needs you, we are there. I don’t doubt that for a second. And let’s be honest, Chris keeps hanging in there with me and my crazy running schemes. What husband really does that?  Not only says sure babe you do what you got to do, but I’ll go along for the ride with you?  I don’t know at the end of the day if he ever would have chosen this life but he loves me so here we are. That is what matters.

I will not magically be any happier or my life any more fulfilled if I lose 10 pounds or my muscles suddenly start popping and growing off the charts.  None of that matters.  What matters is that on Saturday my mom is going to go with me and walk a 5k and on Sunday Chris is going with me to run 7.5 miles. That matters so much more in the grand scheme of things.  So screw you jealousy and feelings of inadequacy.  No you are never going to look like Amanda or Erica. But there is only one you and no one else will ever have the exact same things you have.