Runner's High

Mission accomplished last night, like really accomplished and in a way that I shouldn’t be shocked about but somehow I am always so surprised to suddenly remember what runner’s high feels like.  The last time I ran more than a forced miserable feeling 5k was in November when I ran my last half marathon in Las Vegas. 3 months ago was the last time I ran more than 30 minutes in one stretch.  I have been burnt out. I was ready for the break and honestly I am glad I had the last 3 months to not force it.  Running was not fun, it was a chore and running should always have some element of the fun for me.  Fortunately I still had my whole other entire gym world to keep me going and I am beyond grateful for that. When running has become a chore in my history past I quit, take that break, but I don’t replace it with other exercise and I end up falling apart. I feel thankful that I had a substitute to get me thru these past couple months and keep me living a happy healthy lifestyle.

For the past 3 months I have run a 5k on several occasions. I don’t remember any of them being fun or easy. I remember them being miserable and forced and honestly left me feeling defeated. That a 5k should not be this hard for me.  And of course with that feeling comes doubt and insecurity. Like perhaps all of my running days are behind me. That clearly I am finding on joy in this process at all. It’s like somehow I forgot that running was once this thing that brought me so much joy and happiness. It had all evaporated. I have been terrified of the races I have already signed up for. I was beyond doubting my capability to run even a 10k, yet alone another half and therefore part of my brain told myself it would be okay if I never had to run again.

These are the cop outs we convince ourselves are acceptable because we are scared.  Fear is a strong motivator and guide in our lives.  Sure I may have run 27 half marathons last year but by God fear was now in the driver’s seat and driving as far away from that running path as it could get.

I have an 8k race on Sunday, which is just shy of 5 miles. I have not run this distance in months. Fear was taking over. And finally, last night, enough was enough.  Instead of spending this week or another moment for that matter with fear I knew the time was now to do something about it. To shut up that little voice, scratch that, loud voice, of doubt. The only way to shut her up was to do the damned thing. I convinced myself that if I slowed down my pace a little, not crazy, but just a little and told myself I could not quit until I hit 5 miles that I would make it happen.  I am truly one of those girls who does not quit when I decide I am going to do something.  And last night my single goal was a 5 mile run.

I knew I meant business when about 4 PM at work I was creating a new updated running music play list. I’m quite bored with my existing music I had been listening to forever and I don’t think it was doing me any motivational favors so I started over and created a new playlist to inspire me.  Then I got to the gym and actually set the treadmill for a 60 minute run instead of 30 and quite simply told myself I was not stopping until I accomplished my goal. Even if it proved miserable I would do it and that unto itself would make me happy.

But a funny thing happened that hasn’t happened in ages. It didn’t feel miserable. Sure, the first little bit is rough, it always always is. But I felt comfortable, I felt like I could keep going.  I mile, 2 miles went by without much thought. This is about the time in my 30 minute runs where I am ready to quit. Around mile 2.5 I want to die and am ready to call it. Then I hit my 3.1 mile mark, the farthest distance I’ve ran in 3 months and I found myself not only believing I was going to do this, but feeling amazing.

Then, as 4 miles hit the most amazing feeling took over me and my brain suddenly “got it” it remember exactly what was happening it was as if the clouds parted and the skies opened inside that gym to beam down the magical glow of runner’s high.  And as clear as day, the whole thing suddenly made sense. I wasn’t getting this level of runner’s high, because I wasn’t running long enough. Running a mile or two will never produce this level of endorphins.  This is something that has always typically hit for me post 5k mileage. Around mile 3 ½ to 4 ½ I find my groove and feel amazing. And like clockwork, here it was.  Mile 4 and I was alive. I was completely awoke to the amazing feeling of a good run. I was suddenly thrown back into my element and beyond content and happy. And everything was operating on full cylinders, my legs felt light as air, and I was ready to run! Like forever kind of run. And I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face.

I blew past the 5 mile mark, fuck that, I’m going. And I ran until the treadmill stopped at 60 minutes and I knew this was probably good enough. Had the treadmill not stopped I might have kept going. But honestly mom was waiting for me to do some weight lifting so I knew it was enough. But I ran 6 miles and I felt like I could have kept running. I know I could have kept running and that is an amazing feeling.  It’s the feeling that has been missing for months. That belief in myself. That knowledge that I can do this. That I will find that special moment where running is not work, but instead a gift. And low and behold last night it was all there. And the relief I felt was profound.  The joy and happiness in my heart was overflowing.

My reason for running. Those ridiculously fabulous moments of clarity and peace and happiness. Bliss. So apparently I still have a few long runs left in me. I am not done yet. And those naysayer voices in my head were silenced a little bit. I just knocked out a 6 mile run with happiness in my heart and zero pain in my body. That’s almost half of a half and I KNOW I had that much in me.  And suddenly I feel like maybe I could go ahead and run a half.  I haven’t lost everything yet. I’m still a runner.

My smile was all over my face for the rest of the night. Such a confidence builder. I came home and was browsing Pinterest and came across some actual marathon training plans and my confidence just continued to rise. Holy cow, I got this. They didn’t not seem hard. In fact, they seemed like pretty much what I have been doing for the past year. Run once or twice during the week, cross train the other days, and a longer run on the weekends.  This is pretty much how I spent all of 2014. And something I know my body can handle. So now I just have to get back into the swing of things and I feel confident that I CAN run that full marathon in September.   Of course that is runner’s high still pulsing thru my veins right now.

BEST feeling in the world. Even this morning the feeling hasn’t left me. I lift weights and I can get a crazy high from a good workout, but honestly there is nothing that will ever compare to runner’s high. Something about cardio high is intoxicating.  The feel good and what it does for my brain is priceless.  The best, cheapest drug on earth.

And now I feel confident that in 7 months I am going to be ready for a marathon. That I will be able to pull it off because I don’t fail when I put my mind to something. Because there is still a big part of me that loves running. She is in there.  I didn’t completely destroy her last year.

Today I am a happy girl. A very happy girl and that’s completely because of running. I feel ready to tackle anything the world is going to throw at me.  I feel inspired and confident. Bring it on universe. And P.S. thanks universe for not giving up on me. I appreciate it.