The biggest decision to date

Today I have made a decision. An epic life changing kind of decision.  A decision made with a ton of fear and trepidation but a very familiar feeling of pride.  A single decision that will not only completely envelope and shape the next 7 months of my life, but quite possibly have lasting ramifications on the rest of my life.  Today is the day that I decided I AM running a marathon. As in the year 2015 I will complete 26.2 miles, come hell or high water.   And not just any old marathon, the completely challenging (travel and of course HEAT) Maui Marathon on September 20, 2015.

 Oh and for good measure I’m not just going to run a marathon.  I am going to take part in a Warrior Challenge, because hell that’s just the kind of girl I am.  This means on Saturday I will wake up early and run a 10k (6.2 miles) immediately followed by a 5k (3.1 miles) and then later in the afternoon a 1 mile run.  Then I wake up on Sunday to run 26.2 miles.  So in 2 days that means a total of 36.5 miles.

 This is quite possibly the most idiotic and challenging decision I have ever made in my life. In fact even as I type all these words I am having second thoughts about posting this thing because what if I change my mind? What if I can’t actually do this? (ahem… said the girl who has seriously not run longer than 30 minutes at a time since November)  and yet that little voice that whispers in the back of your ear is telling me that this is something that I really must do. That the time and place is now. That the things in life we are really most terrified of, are the things we truly desire and are truly worth doing.

 As I thought about it over and over all morning it became clearer to me that this was just something that will not leave my brain. For over 10 years I’ve thought about a marathon. I’ve collected running quotes and phrases and always in the back of my mind said maybe someday.  Why not now?  Despite my lack of running lately, I have never in my life been more conditioned or ready for it. Sure, I’m going to need to get back into the swing of things but my body knows what that feels like.

 It is going to require every ounce of my mental toughness and strength to power thru the physical aspect. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is exactly what I need right now. The last few months I have been aimlessly wandering around quite honestly feeling a little lost. Devoid of real purpose.  Not really sure what I should be working towards and without some sort of goal I tend to flounder. Without a prize to achieve of some sort, I find no reason to necessarily care.

The moment the idea finally resonated with me I felt insanely terrified and somehow beyond excited which meant it was probably something I should do.  Do the things that terrify you, right?  I have never been more aware of this concept than I am right now. While in Puerto Vallarta last week on vacation and during my epic amazing Extreme Outdoor Adventure trip I had this moment of clarity. 

 The whole thing was shockingly terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.  Everything was so fast paced I didn’t really have time to think about what I was doing which was a good thing because looking down giant ravines that you were going to hang on by a clip and rope as you zipped across is not something you want to give a giant amount of thought to. It’s best to just go. Anyhow, at the end of this amazing experience where I just constantly “let go”; we were waiting on this platform for our next zip line.  I realized that this was the one where you can go upside down and pretty much just hang on by your feet.  They were asking people if they wanted to go upside down. I was TERRIFIED. As I watched I said Hell no. I said, No way, I am not going to do that.  When I got up to the platform and the guys were strapping me in and directing me, they say, put your hands here, do this, do that.  They never asked me anything. I figured I was just going normal, right…. Wrong.

 Next thing I know they are telling me to put my feet up on the top of the rope and in that moment I realized they were having me go upside down.  I had a split second of, but you didn’t ask me? I didn’t want to do that. It was a split second before they said, GO, and I was off on the line. And it was the coolest thing ever. It was amazing. It was wonderful. It was a totally different perspective and when I reached the other side I was beyond thankful I had done it. I was suddenly so grateful that they didn’t give me the choice because I would have missed out on this crazy awesome experience because of fear.

 The whole thing was a real life eye-opening kind of experience for me. And I realized how easy it really is to let fear hold you back. Clearly I am not terrified of heights. I’m not really terrified of a lot. Except maybe failure. I suppose that’s the truth. And it’s that fear of failure that holds me back more than anything. So today, when Chris sent me a text message that said I think we should run the full marathon in Maui, my brain started evaluating. After my heart rate jumped up and I felt anxiety and fear, I started breaking it down and really honing in on what it is that I was afraid of and what I really wanted.  For 10 years I’ve secretly chased the idea of running a marathon.  I suppose I’ve been afraid of failing, of not being able to finish. But at the end of the day, my heart, my desire is so strong that even if I had to walk I could finish a freaking marathon.

 And of course there is this quote I literally read like 10 years ago, that has never been too far off in my brain….

 “There will be days when I think I can’t run a marathon; there will be a lifetime of knowing I have.”

 I want that. I want that feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. That knowledge that I am strong not just physically but mentally.  That I can set epic goals and achieve them. That I am a powerful, courageous person who is not content running from fear.

 I’ve come a very long way in my life and I am proud of the woman I have become. I am proud that it has been 2 years 4 months and I am still a happy healthy woman. I haven’t fallen apart. I struggle. I have my ups and downs. But here I stand, still at a lovely healthy weight maintaining my active lifestyle and enjoying my life.  Even on the days when I think I haven’t figured shit out, clearly I have some things under control more than I realize. For 2 years 4 months I have walked the walk and that I am beyond proud of. Not because I exercise like crazy or count foods or calories, but because I have found some sort of symbiotic balance in my life where I get to truly live it doing the things that I love to do (I TRULY love exercise people) and still eat my piece of cake too if you know what I mean. It has been a very long time since I have counted a calorie or written down how many calories I’ve burned.

 I am terrified. I can’t tell you how terrified I actually am for some reason. But there is a sense of still in my heart because I am pretty certain this was meant to be all along. That this WAS the epic goal of 2015. That running Maui, my favorite place on earth, was always going to be the place this was going to happen.  Ironically, for some odd reason Maui is also the place I feel closest to my dad. It was beyond special to him and somehow it is beyond a doubt where I know he “is” if you know what I mean.   It seems like it was supposed to happen exactly this way.

 I had some moments of doubt earlier in the year, where I was thinking I never wanted to run a race ever again. I had some feelings of wanting to move on, but the universe has been sending me signals all over the place that it knows better than I what my heart really wants.

 I have said since last year that I was going to go to Maui this year and run the half. This of course was said last year in the midst of my crazy running year. Not going to lie I have been totally burnt out on running and wasn’t really sure if Maui and running was what I really wanted to do this year, but I just went along with it in theory.  One of my cousins and her husband have gotten into cross fit and working out and we were talking. He was like, are you still going to Maui to run a half? I said yeah. I didn’t honestly know but I thought it was far enough away that it didn’t really matter. I didn’t think anything of it. It was an idle comment made in conversation.

 A week later my mom told me that they were considering going to Maui to run to. That got me thinking of course. It peaked my curiosity and reignited my interest. I told them I was doing it and now I need to follow thru.  Then I talked to them more, and got more excited. And then another week or two goes by and my mom and two of her sisters are now going to go as well.  And suddenly this is all REALLY happening.  Like we all have rooms booked happening.  So not only will I be doing this whole warrior challenge but I won’t be alone.  Chris is going to run the full. My cousin is going to run the half warrior challenge. (5k, 1 miler, and the half marathon). And then my other cousin and my mom and two aunts are going to do the 5k.  But the best part is they will all be there to help me, support me, and cheer me on. In MAUI!  Somehow it seemed fitting that this is the one.

 I was originally only going to run the half of course, but somehow today it seems like destiny is telling me that a full marathon is what I should do.  But you want to talk about the universe intervening on my running behalf.  Aside from this whole story I have another one to share with you.

 This Monday when I got home from work, I opened the mail to discover an envelope from a local racing company.  They have something called a baker’s dozen race series.  If you run any 4 of the races in the series you are automatically entered into the series. Last year we ran like 6 of the races. Anyhow, basically your name gets entered into a drawing, blah blah blah.  There are like 800 plus people who qualify for it, and they have 30 winners. I won! I opened up an envelope to find a card that gets me free race entry into ALL 13 of the half marathons this year. You should have seen my face when I opened up that envelope.   I have doubted my desire to run and I just about laughed out loud when I saw that letter.  I literally shook my head, dialed my mom, and told her the universe freaking is not giving up on me.  Who the hell am I to deny what so clearly the universe is trying to tell me?  It wants me to run.  So I should probably run, ya know.

 But today, I somehow feel incredibly at peace with all of this. Like having a simple, tangible, identifiable goal, suddenly puts a sense of calm in my heart. Something to “achieve”.   Something epic that I’ve secretly always desired but been too damned scared to go for.  I think it’s time. Of course I haven’t actually registered yet, so I suppose there’s always time to back out.

 And suddenly with that one single life changing decision I feel back. I feel renewed and excited and ready. And the first thing I thought to do was come here and write this out. I felt like I wanted to return to this place that has brought me much joy but has felt lackluster as of late. I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to talk myself into it by writing it out.  But regardless I am feeling that spark return and that is worth its weight in shiny running medals!

 I’ve got a very long road ahead of me. I’m not as fast as I was. I don’t have anything close to the endurance I once had. But I also believe without a doubt that I will get there again. There is no stronger force than that of a determined woman.  And personally I have proven time and time again to myself that when I decide I am going to do something, I freaking do it! Once my mind is set on a path I am unstoppable.

 I keep envisioning the finish line in Maui, after my Saturday races, and after accomplishing a full 26.2 marathon, standing there in the horrifying heat, after enduring hour upon hour of torture, and those couple moments of pure bliss. Of the epic-ness of what I will have accomplished. Of the pride I will have when that medal is placed around my neck. Of knowing that I have done it. That no one will ever be able to take that away from me. That is worth every ounce of blood sweat and tears not only that day, but over the next 7 months as I prepare myself for it. That moment is worth it. I will burst into tears. Not a single doubt in my mind. Because I can only think of 1 dream that I’ve carried around with me for so long that matters to me. And this is it. There’s nothing else that I really have always wanted to do but never dared do. This is it and this means everything to me.  And I’ve been lying to myself and everyone else when I say I don’t really ever want to do a marathon; I can’t imagine; a half is hard enough.  I’ve been lying, because all along deep down, I know what I want.

 Go for the brass ring my friends. Life is so freaking short. In fact a good friend I went to high school with died last month, random tragic accident. He was my age, 35, had 2 little girls like 4 and 1 and his wife is pregnant with their third child. Life is short. Don’t delay doing or saying the things that matter.   The time is now.