Learning Self-Reliance

Since my gym had its major upheaval in November trying to find a gym balance has been trying. I had some major moments of depression over the whole thing.  I have had moments of self-doubt and overall just trying to find my way once again.  Things will go in moments of having balanced out okay to moments of I hate this fucking place. Yes, sometimes life is like that. Essentially it was the first week of December when Amanda left the gym.  What I have learned in the past 2 ½ months is that in the end I am the only one who is going to push myself and I am the master of my own destiny so to speak.

The classes at the gym have gone downhill as well. To the point of basically I have zero desire to take any of them.  I have struggled a bit to find my motivation at points, but overall I have also emerged as a self-reliant girl who can kick her own ass.  At the end of the day no one else is going to care about me as much as me. Sure I miss personal training, because it pushes you in crazy ways, but not enough to want to pay for it again right now.  I am finding other ways to keep me motivated.

What has emerged is an interesting thing. I have become the personal trainer. Yes, on Tuesday and Thursday nights I have been leading a little workout group myself which includes my mom, my sister Erin and one of my cousins who joined the gym. Sometimes a gym friend joins us as well. So basically, I create the workout ahead of time and then I get to implement it and push everyone else thru. These can be truly amazing, exhausting workouts.  I don’t let people slack! I guess it’s because not only do I believe they are capable but I truly care because these are people who matter to me.  There overall health matters to me.  I would do anything to see them fit and healthy and happy above all else.

But in the process of helping them, I do help myself too. These workouts are no joke and it forces me to do them as well. Of course I try to pick exercises that can be adapted to everyone’s skill level.  Because obviously we aren’t all lifting the same weights. With that said it works for me because I am able to pick up the weight factor that I need to make it a workout for me. Last night was no exception. I worked out a leg day workout and on paper it seems hard, but in reality it’s much harder.  But it forces me to work hard and be responsible and be my own trainer and there is a beauty in learning to be self-reliant.

This is my pencil scratch of a workout last night. Yes, some of the names are incorrect on the exercise list and some of them you wouldn’t understand just by reading it but I get it, and I know. But this just gives you an idea of what I’m doing. 

These workouts take a good hour and a half or more.  And they are GOOD. Like honestly the kind of stuff you’d pay a trainer for and I’m happy I can do that for these people that I love, that matter to me. And I make them work!  Ha Ha. 

It’s nice to know that I’ve learned a thing or two over the past couple years.  I think that as hard as this whole gym transition has been that there is always some sort of silver lining. Like learning that I am knowledgeable and that I can captain my own ship. I think in a perfect world I could find some sort of balance for myself that invoices running and strength training and give everyone their proper importance and place in my life.  You know, balance. Because clearly I am a runner. And despite everything I have no desire to give that up.

Honestly I am feeling some of my long forgotten motivation and desire. It has seriously been months since I’ve felt this ready to tackle life and the gym and being healthy. Honestly it’s about freaking time. I feel incredibly happier when I am living a healthy lifestyle. Not just mentally but actually honestly physically too. Like the foods I put in my body make me feel better and have more energy. I don’t desire to eat crappy because it just makes me feel gross. I’m in one of those modes right now and I love it!

It’s nice to find your willpower again. And that motivation to push yourself. What is even nicer is finding that drive when you are already at a wonderful healthy, comfortable place in your life. Just means that I get to do tweaks and see where I can go from here. Take it to that next level since I have pretty much figured out how to maintain where I’m at for 2 solid years.  I’m just feeling generally happy which is a nice feeling to have.

I think a lot of it has to do with Maui. 7 months is not that long of time. It’s enough time to think about it and get excited and have that to look forward too, but not so far off that it’s out of my mind. I think its constantly going to be on my mind for 7 months and that is okay. It’s a big happy kind of deal for me. Maui always is. It is my place. It is my happy place.  And everything is just lining up perfectly this year for my most epic vacation ever. Of course that would have to be Maui.

I’m just generally in pretty good spirits right now and equally excited and intrigued by what’s to come and that is a great place to be at. Bring on the challenges. I’m feeling very adventurous as of late. Gym tonight is a good run, not sure for how long, I will let me body decide as my legs are kind of sore from last night. And then a little upper body strength. Tomorrow night is my workout group again and we will be doing upper body stuff.

See you all tomorrow with my first week of being back on track weigh-in. Yes, I am weighing in again on Thursdays just for fun. This is my first week post vacation detox.  Weighed last Thursday and then this will be my first week being relatively on track. I am not tracking food really or recording anything but I have been more mindful and conscious of my decisions so we will see what the scale brings tomorrow. I’m kind of excited just because.  Anyway. That’s about it.