Highly Anticipated Weekend

Another weekend down. I have to admit that for whatever reason I could simply not control my eating this entire weekend. I don’t think I really tried that hard, but I just ate and ate and ate. Perhaps it’s a bit of self-sabotage; not really sure. But regardless, I ate WAY too much to even think about trying to record it all. Ooops. BUT, today is a new day. I was a little down on myself yesterday evening about it, but the only thing I can do is pick myself back up and get back on the horse today which is what I’ve been doing, intend to do.  Hopefully it’s not actually as bad as I envision in my head. And hopefully it doesn’t leave a mark come weigh in on Thursday. But it might and I’m prepared for that. So much for that 145 goal. Oh well. It’s really not that big of a deal anyway.

This is life. Life happens. You hit bumps in the road that throw you a little off kilter and you readjust. The bigger picture is not compromised. I still feel good (aside from my tummy hurting last night from all the crap food!) and I’m ready to go to San Jose this weekend and get a break from my normal life. YEAH YEAH mini vacations! So needed anyway.

But with all that said, I had an awesome run on Saturday. So Chris bought me my new Garmin this week and Saturday was the first day I really got to run with it outside. I have to admit that I have become a lazy runner. I don’t really care about my times at all. I still don’t honestly. But the last 10 half’s I’ve been coming in consistently at like 2:28 or 2:29 and I’m okay with that. But I also don’t really pay attention to my average pace, etc., while I run. I check distance and of course know what I’m running at most of the time. But for whatever reason having this new watch and seeing my average pace adjust as I ran was really fun and encouraging and suddenly, despite the CRAZY hills, I found myself caring and running a whole whopping 10 minutes faster than normal. I finished my 13.1 mile run at 2:19 and a few seconds. That is the best half time I’ve had in months. Literally. It’s nice to know that it’s still in me. And that is with a few crazy hills that required walking. And I felt amazing. The best I’ve felt in ages. So something is definitely working for me.

Two things to note on this run. First at mile 8 I was greeted to a little cup at the aid station that housed 3 little gummy bears. I was suddenly ecstatic. Like I was as happy and surprised as if I’d suddenly found $100 bill on the ground. Yup, I truly was that thrilled. It made my day. I put those little gummy bears in my mouth and I literally sucked them, did not take a single bite until they were all gone. I am happy to report that I enjoyed their deliciousness in my mouth for over 3 miles. Seriously. So 3 gummy bears, if simply sucked can last about 30 minutes. Who knew? And I enjoyed every second of them. Which leads me to believe that clearly I should be carrying a little snack size pack of gummies with me on future runs. I like the tiny sugar release as I run. It helped.

The next thing to note is that at mile 10 running out on country roads I saw a unicorn. Okay, not actually a unicorn, but a brilliant white majestic looking horse that instantly made me think Unicorn. It was right up to the fence, which means it was close enough to us running by that we could touch it. The girls in front of me stopped and took a selfie with the horse. It really was gorgeous. The horse was literally just standing there watching us all run by. It was pretty beautiful. And at mile 10, reminded me that there can be some stronger forces at work in the universe.

Oh, should also note that for some crazy reason this was the worst road kill run I’ve ever been on. Funny that for 13 miles I was thinking this and after the run Chris was like, did you notice all the road kill? And I laughed because clearly it wasn’t just me. It was REALLY heavily riddled with dead things. I was very careful as to not step on anything during the run. I guess that’s what you get running out in the country. It was a pretty decent course despite the road kill issues, but also had a few VERY steep hills. Actually, a lot of hills. I remember thinking at miles 3-8, which is pretty much a giant chunk that this was very unnecessarily hilly and why on earth did they pick this route? This is just the things my mind thinks of while running.

But I kept a great pace for me and I felt really good and that was the most important part.  When we went to pick up our packet before the race they told us the shirts had not arrived yet and that they’d figure out what to do and send an email to us later. I was a little bummed. It’s not like you didn’t know when this race was and could have ordered the shirts in an appropriate time, taking into account delays and all. But after we finished running it seems the truck with the shirts had arrived so we did get our shirts. Tragedy avoided. Not that this was really a tragedy, just the first time in all the events I’ve done that this occurred. Regardless, it did end up working out and I guess that’s what really matters in the end.

On Sunday we got up and drove an hour to run a 5k. Yes, I understand this seems slightly ridiculous but it’s nice to get up and get your day going and walk away feeling good. Sometimes a 5k can be a good run when you are pushing yourself.  Employing my new Garmin watch and monitoring my pace, I found myself running harder than I normally do once again. My goal was to do the 5k in under 30 minutes.  I realize this isn’t super stealth speed or anything but it’s a decent pace. Especially for me.  I just kept pushing and pushing and when I rounded the 3.1 mile mark I was at 29 minutes and some change. It really kept me fighting hard at the end instead of giving up. So far my verdict on the new running watch is good. In both instances it forced me to actually push myself in a way I haven’t in a long time. I needed both those runs and I felt great. It’s nice to know that I still have a little bit of speed left in me. Especially considering this was my 5^th half in 5 weeks. Next week marks the 6^th in 6 weeks. Plus my 2 year weight loss anniversary plus a trip. You see why next week means so much to me? I’m crazy excited.

Just got to get thru this week. Plus let’s not forget that Thursday I get my hair extensions and I’ve definitely been looking forward to that! My hair needs a dye job so bad and its killing me to just live with it, but just until Thursday and everything gets righted in my world. Beyond excited!!! Gorgeous long flowing blonde hair, I’ve been dreaming about it for a long time and I can’t wait until it’s a reality.

Today is already half way over, so that means I’ve just got to get thru about 3 more days and then its hair time and then Friday is vacation day. I am guessing this week will end up going fairly quickly. Thank goodness. I’m exhausted right now and the thought of the gym sounds horrific, but I will go. Because I always go.  And honestly I probably really need it after the weekend food gorge fest I had. Put me back on track.

Doesn’t matter, life is good and I am smiling. Most highly anticipated weekend in recent history for sure…. Can’t it be Thursday already?

Pretty Average

Today I lost 1.5 pounds. I am thrilled with this number. THRILLED. Funny how two years of being weight and health conscious really changes your entire perspective.  1.5 is an amazing number. Back in the day 1.5 would not have been good enough.  Of course this was back when I had lots of weight to lose, but even still I don’t ever remember being this consistently thrilled with losing 1.5 pounds a week. This actually puts my average at exactly 1.5 pounds per week for the last 9 weeks. I have lost a total of 13.5 pounds in 9 weeks. I started at 159.5 and today was 146 even. I am definitely getting more comfortably back into the 140’s.

The thing about losing a consistent 1.5 pounds per week is that aside from obviously being smaller to begin with, it also means that I’m pretty much living my life, going out to dinner indulging here and there and still having some consistent success. It’s not a crazy speed of loss but it’s nothing shabby either. Perfectly healthy, average and normal and I’m perfectly okay with that. I still go out to dinner at least once a week and obviously sneak far too many of my husband’s chips here and there that I don’t record. Yes, he has a tortilla chip fetish and I my hand might get in the bag more often than not.  You know those big Costco bags of tortilla chips; it’s pretty easy to eat a few here and there without realizing the combined calorie factor.

It’s amazing how much happier I am today weighing 146 pounds than I was 9 weeks ago at almost 160. My body feels slightly sluggish and mentally I feel crappy weighing that much, despite how much I might try to convince myself otherwise. 146 is a perfectly comfortable, happy place for me. I have one week/one weigh-in left until I go to San Jose and I always said I wanted to be 145 getting on that plane. It seems very possible. Of course I am not going to jinx myself or put too much stalk into it. Its 1 pound but our bodies can also be wonky on occasion.  So while I will be thrilled and it seems quite likely that this can occur, if it doesn’t it’s not the end of the world either. I have already won. I’ve already succeeded where I wasn’t sure it was possible.

Rewind to 3 or 4 months ago and I was struggling to find any balance or control. In April/May I could not for the life of me figure out how to lose weight. In hindsight it was so much a result of weird pressure felt at the gym and trying to figure out how much importance not only the gym, but running was going to get in my life. I have found my balance. And running wins! Ha Ha. But seriously, it was when I decided that running was far more important in my life and to let the rest of it go and make myself happy when I was finally able to break my cycle. The moment I let it go and gave over to the idea that my weekends belonged to me and running that everything finally fell into place.  Yes, it has meant giving up some of my gym time and a little bit of the dependency that my trainer/friend Amanda had on me.  But what I gained was far superior.

Do you know how crazy good it feels to share my weekends with my husband doing something we both love that make our lives whole and fulfilled? Some of you probably do know that it feels like, (you might just not run but actually share other good stuff with your spouse).  My marriage, my family, etc. is far more important than the gym. When I decided that my “real” world was going to trump my gym world, things fell into place.

Life is constantly about changing and reevaluating and shifting the focus and goals and priorities. What I needed from the gym a year ago is obviously not what I need from it now. It’s okay for me to not be the ever present woman at the gym. I am comfortable and fuck it, thrilled with the life and world I’ve created outside of the gym. Don’t get me wrong the gym is still important and I value all the things it gives me and yes, even my personal training sessions that kick my ass. That won’t ever change.

I just am truly happy from my core out now. My weight/my size/exercise, all of it has truly become about my overall health, and wellness and happiness again. The focus has shifted from the vain exterior to being able to live the life I want.  The life I am leading right now.

Hopefully if everything goes as it has been I should be 145 next week and then in between San Jose and Las Vegas I have 6 weeks. I am hoping to get to 140 by the time Vegas comes around. Again, totally possible. 6 weeks-5 pounds.  Those are my tentative goals.  But honestly it’s just a guide, as the scale is pretty damned unimportant. It’s more about how I look and feel. The number is just a guide, just a silly little thing to show an overall trend.

We are solely responsible for our own happiness and the quality of our lives. If you are unhappy, do something about it. Change it. Find your passion. Find your joy. I completely understand a little bit of luck might be involved and obviously some things are beyond your control. I get that. Which is why it’s all the more important to make the things you can control as valuable as possible. Life is freaking short. And important, and precious. Love the hell out of the moments you have.

Whew. Off my little rant there now. It’s Thursday. Which means that today is day 6 in a row of exercise for me. Right now I feel pretty good but its early morning. I am sure by the afternoon I will have zero desire to actually go to the gym, but I will make myself go anyway. Plan is a 30 minute run and then an upper body workout. Last night in training we did legs.  So it’s definitely some upper body work kind of night. Then rest tomorrow. Then another half on Saturday. This is my 5^th half in 5 weeks. And of course with San Jose the following weekend I will be running 6 half’s in 6 weeks. That is the most I’ve done in a row.  But honestly right now my body kind of feels used to it. Then Sunday I have a 5k.

Just got to finish out September strong, get thru San Jose (which will be FUN!!!) and then it slows down a bit in October and November and especially Decemeber. The weather is turning and it’s not going to be a lot of fun after that. But I still have some events to do before it’s all said and done for the year but we are on the home stretch!

This moment the sun is shining and I can smile a little because it’s a beautiful day… Have a great one! 

It's not even my birthday!

I’ve had a busy two days. I guess this is a good thing because that means time is continuing to move and this puts me closer to a mini vacation which is very much needed. Actually, honestly I’ve had a great two days all things considered. After the horrific last week or two I had stressed about my Molly girl I am very happy to live in a bit more of a normal zone for a couple days.

Monday night I went to the gym and ran 1.5 miles, then did a 30 minute butts and guts class and then did an hour Iron Power strength training class. I was tired when it was done but honestly didn’t burn that many calories as strength training rarely produces high burns. I acknowledge that strength training is still very much needed so I push on.  When I got home Chris and I headed to Costco to pick up a few quick items that we needed. This makes for very long nights generally speaking. But we are kind of late night people anyway. We ususally don’t make it to bed until 11 or so.

Yesterday I did something that I’ve been thinking about for a very long time. There is a dirty secret I haven’t discussed for almost a year. My hair. My poor hair is a big old mess.  I have always died my own hair blonde. Somewhere about a year ago my hair just completely biffed it. Like the front just splintered off.  I look like I have a front mullet honestly. It broke and is severely damaged. I kept hoping that with proper care it would grow back in. I do not dye my hair with the same regularity, and when I do I just do the roots and try and not touch the over-dyed ends. It’s been almost a year and it’s still a mess.  It has not grown in. And honestly for an entire year I have worn my hair up every single day. I am so tired of it. I want beautiful pretty hair!

Extensions. Yup. I’ve wanted them but they are ridiculously expensive actually and of course the upkeep on them as well.  This weekend was particularly traumatic for me in terms of my hair and I just caved and told Chris that this was it, my last straw I was making an appointment this week to see someone about extensions.  I found someone on Monday and then yesterday at lunch time stopped by for a consultation and to discuss what it would take.  Not shockingly I was breaking out the plastic and ordering my hair. Yup, that sounds weird. I have an appointment for next Thursday. Not this Thursday but basically the day before I go to San Jose. I am THRILLED. Like you have no idea how much I can barely contain my excitement and wish it was next Thursday already. I am going to have long blonde beautiful hair that I can leave down. It’s been a year people of hating my hair and pulling it back constantly and having the short little strands fall out. It’s terrible really. I fried my hair and it just won’t repair itself.

This means I get a regular stylist as well to dye it and upkeep it. Yes, I have to pay for it, but I’m at the point in my life where my hair is important enough and matters enough to shoulder the cost. I am envisioning my beautiful flowing blonde locks and I just smile. But extensions are really expensive. Thus why I have never done them. But according to the girl these ones should last a year if I treat them well, so of course I am going to get all the treatment tips and try to take very good care of them. I can justify the cost if they will last a year. On a few months and I’d be pretty upset with the price I was paying.

This is my happy 2 year anniversary to me.  Happy 2 years of caring about yourself and your health and you overall happiness.  Happy 2 years of maintaining this lifestyle. I mean I’ve never had a 2 year anniversary so I might as well give myself an epic gift as well.

With that said I was blown and way and shocked last night when my husband came home. I have been talking about how last weekend was my 1 year running anniversary and how San Jose is my 2 year weight loss anniversary and apparently he was listening.  When I run I use two watches. It’s a long convoluted process. I had a GPS Garmin but it didn’t sink with my actual heart rate monitor and I wanted an accurate heart rate and calorie burn so I end up wearing two watches to run. It’s a pain in the ass for sure.  But I like all the numbers despite feeling like a total dork with so many gadgets on my wrist.  Plus my running Garmin is a pretty basic model and it can only show 2 items on the display so I just do distance and time. It’s pretty basic to say the least.

Anyway last night he comes into the house and we are just talking and he’s talking about me wearing my two watches and my 2 year anniversary and congratulations and I didn’t think too much of it, we talk about this stuff a lot honestly.  Then he comes over to me and says, “I got you something.” And he presents me with a brand new Garmin Forerunner 220 and my mouth just about hit the ground. He said he wanted me to have one watch that would do it all and give me lots of info. Of course this is the exact watch that I wanted and he even picked the color I wanted (the pretty purple one!) I was beyond shocked. He said he was proud of me and everything that I’ve done over the last 2 years and he wanted to thank me for the past year and all the awesome adventures we’ve gone on. I am in LOVE with my watch. LOVE LOVE.  I can’t wait to actually use it this weekend running another half. Seriously it’s so cool and pretty.

So without knowing it apparently I get 2 awesome 2^nd year anniversary presents. My Garmin and my hair! I feel spoiled now. I seriously had no idea Chris would do that. It was a true surprise which makes it even more special.  

Last night I really didn’t want to go to the gym. It took every ounce of willpower I had to get myself to drive to the gym, but I did. I was feeling like doing something think less and no-brainer. I knew I didn’t have enough motivation to force myself thru an actual strength training workout so I convinced myself it was okay to just run.  It’s pretty mindless for me and actually obviously mind clearing. So I went ahead and just ran for an hour at a 6 mile per hour speed. It was a good run and I just found my zone and could have kept running. It’s always nice when you finish still feeling like you could do more. Tonight I have personal training and then strength training class. Tonight will not be a huge calorie burn but some good needed strength training.  I honestly have no idea what we are doing in training. It could be legs; it could be any muscle group on the upper body. No idea at all. I guess whatever it will be, it will be. I am sure no matter what it is, it will be hard and I will be sore tomorrow. That’s how it goes.

One week and 2 days and I am getting on a plane with lush flowing beautiful blonde hair and my new GPS forerunner and I am one excited happy girl for that. Yeah to vacations, even when you are running, scratch that, especially when you are running!

The cryfest

Well, it happened. On Sunday I ran my 22^nd half marathon of 2014, but more importantly it was the one year anniversary of my very first half marathon ever. (Otherwise referred to as my first organized race ever). This was my 24^th half marathon overall. Meaning that in exactly one year’s time I ran 24 half marathons.

I honestly still remember that very first one and how ridiculously nervous I was. I was so sick to my stomach the night before.  Thinking about it now I am not sure why, but I was. I guess I was afraid I was not going to complete it. 24 half’s later and that is no longer an issue.  Thank goodness. I am still in shock sometimes or rather denial of what I have actually accomplished this past year. In true Emily style if I decide I can and want to do something there’s nothing normal about it. I have to go out and run 24 freaking half marathons.

It was a beautiful run. My body wasn’t exactly feeling it, I’ve felt better during a run, but parts of it were simply gorgeous and I tried to focus on the beauty that was surrounding me. After all, that is part of where this love of running originated from. The pure thrill of connecting outside with nature and the inner voices in your head.

Chris ended up running most of this one with me. He typically runs at a much faster speed than I do, but on days where he is just not feeling it, he slows down and we go at it together. On occasion I enjoy the company and it makes it a different kind of race. Sometimes I just like to be alone and have my thoughts carry me and then some days I don’t mind his presence.  Consequently I didn’t have a lot of time on the run to be too retrospective about the one year anniversary. That was fine. I didn’t think about it too much. In fact I didn’t think about it post-race when we were enjoying our hot dogs in the gorgeous park.

Chris and I drove separate cars for other reasons. This race was close to the house only like 20 minutes, and it was later in the morning so it wasn’t a big deal. I really enjoyed the nice country drive in peace and quite honestly. But the moment I got into the car post-race and cranked up the radio it happened, it all hit me at once. I had plugged my phone into the iPhone jack and was blaring the song, Sweet Disposition by the Temper Trap (my current song obsession) and then in a moment of flooding emotions I started bawling in the car. Yes, every single emotion hit me at once. I thought I had successfully avoided the onslaught of emotion but I was entirely wrong. I couldn’t control my tears from behind my sunglasses. I cried and cried. It was not because I was in pain or sad. It was the cry of pure satisfaction and disbelief. I wasn’t really sure if it was going to hit me at all, but all the factors lined up and it was definite waterworks for me.

When I ran that first one I had an idea that this was something I could really get into, but I had no idea what journey I was about to embark down upon. I had no idea the cool places or epic experiences running would bring. I had no idea how much it would come to play a significant role in my life. And 24 freaking half’s in a year. Crazy.

My body is amazing. I mean that in the most humble way possible. The human body is simply an amazing thing. I can put it thru the years of abuse I have and somehow it bounces back and is able to take the wear and tear of running.  It can just keep going and going. That is a blessed thing. I had no idea if I could actually physically endure that much running in a year, but here I sit today, the day post my 24^th half marathon and I feel great.  I feel like I could run another one today. This is because our bodies are simply amazing and capable things. We never give them enough credit or appreciate their abilities enough.  Someday I might not be able to do this, but while I can, I am going to enjoy the hell out of it.

On Saturday we did run a quick little 5k, before taking Molly to the eye specialist. When we woke up Saturday morning Molly’s eye looked the best it had in 2 weeks, but we were still taking her in. The vet was amazing and went to show us that our current vet is a joke and we will be getting a new one. She was wonderful and so knowledgeable and great with Molly. Bottom line is molly had a deep injury that got a bacterial infection and it’s been trying ever since to heal itself, and protect itself with a glossy look and then last week red blood vessels came in full force to her eye and it alarmed us because it looked like her eye was all bloody but the doctor told us that was simply it trying to repair itself.

The doctor put us at ease and told us that it should all run its course and over the next couple weeks it should continue to look better. She glossy look may never 100% return to normal but that is okay, she can see out of her eye and everything is okay. The local vet just didn’t have enough understanding of the situation to predict anything and consequently really should not have freaked us out by telling us she could lose her eye. That was unnecessary. She seems to finally be on the road to recovery and this was the hugest relief we had of the whole weekend. Molly has my heart and I have never been more worried about my baby girl.

Saturday night I celebrated my sister’s birthday at my mom’s house with my family. It was nice to see everyone. I had to avoid copious amounts of shit food. It was difficult. I only caved and had spice cake because baked pastries of any sort are my true weakness, but I didn’t do too poorly. One of my favorite moments of the entire night was when my nephew Ethan asked me to cut some cardboard for him (he was making himself some cardboard armor and a helmet!) and was like it’s hard. And I was cutting him strips of cardboard with scissors and he was like, “Is that hard?”  I was like not really. And he looked at me and said, “It’s because you go to the gym, you are strong.”

For what it’s worth I am leaving an impression on his mind of someone who is strong and active and I think that is cool. He is 6 years old and at this point in his life understands that I am a healthy person who goes to the gym.  It’s nice for him to be exposed to all sorts of things in life and this is just another example of why it’s important to have lots of people in their lives with varied interests. Show them that there are lots of cool and worthwhile things in life.

Just have to get thru 2 more weeks and then I get to go on my much needed mini vacation to San Jose. I really really am looking forward to getting away. I think we need it! It’s Monday and it’s starting to get yucky outside which sucks and I sure am glad I have some fun things planned to look forward to. Oh and my passport came in the mail on Saturday so it took less than 2 weeks for them to process my passport application. It’s now safely locked up in the safe. Yeah! One less thing to worry about. 

TGIF

Can I just say TGIF. This has been a particularly long rough week overall for me and I’m glad it’s coming to an end. I am also glad its Friday because it’s rest day for me and my body REALLY needs the rest. I am one sore puppy today. I thought I was sore yesterday and by all accounts I was sore. But today, today is worse.  Sometimes 2 days out is worse on the sore front for me. I was sore last night at the gym so I decided the only thing I could actually do was legs, so consequently aside from having a very sore upper body my lower body is now joining in on the fun.

Yesterday I was massively stressed and pissed and did not want to go to the gym. But funny thing is, once I got there and did my thing it was actually the best part of my entire day.  That is what endorphins do for me. That is what a good workout and sweat and feeling accomplished does.  I told myself I was going to run and just run for a little while. In all honesty I knew, despite my brain saying I don’t want to, that I was going to run a 5k last night. I knew it the moment I got on the machine because they have those preprogrammed workouts and I hit the 5k button on it.  I just started running, listening to my music and I have to say the first 3 minutes felt like torture. It takes a few minutes for your body to warm up and get into the groove. In those couple first minutes I thought I was going to die and by no means that I was going to be able to do a full 5k. But a few minutes later I felt fine.  I ran a very comfortable good pace for me and low and behold completed a 3.1 mile run in 30 minutes. I was running at a 6.2 speed on the treadmill. It was perfect and I was nice and sweaty and feeling awesome afterwards.

Then I knew I wanted to do at least 30 minutes of strength training but given how ridiculously tender my upper body was I opted for legs. Don’t know if that was such a smart decision but it was the only one I could make. So I went ahead and got a 40 pound barbell to do squats with. I was going for low weight/high reps this evening.  I immediately began with 50 squats. Yup, 50. Then I did 20 low pulsating squats at the bottom. I then picked up 15 pound dumbbells and proceeded to do lunges across the gym. It ended up being 15 lunges each way, repeat. Then I did a low pulse lunge on each side, 20 count.

Repeat this entire sequence of exercises 4 times. It took me about 45 minutes and I was a sweaty mess but I felt great. That means total I did 200 regular squats. 80 low pulsating squats. 120 lunges and 160 pulsating lunges. Oh and at the very end just for shits and giggles I did 60 deadlifts.  Reflecting upon yesterday this was probably the best hour and a half of my day. The time where I zoned out in sweat and only focused on my breathing and getting outside of my own head. I’m glad I went and pushed myself because I really didn’t want to.  But today I need to rest. My body is definitely telling me its rest day.

Of course the stress doesn’t really go away. As soon as I go home I have to round up Bella for a doctor’s visit. I hate doing these things. It’s a necessary evil in life, but not fun by any stretch of the imagination. Mostly I just want to go home and sit and do nothing but alas there is no rest for the wicked. It’s mostly self-imposed though so I can’t complain all that much.

Tomorrow morning we are getting up and running a 5k. I am not sure about the logistics of how everything is going to work because we have to bring molly with us because she has her vet appointment in the afternoon and its up in the area we are running. We can’t run and then go home and get her and drive back.  This either means that one or both of us is going to have to just walk the 5k with Molly or else maybe Chris’s dad is going to meet us and babysit molly while we run. Not sure yet. Either way it’s a 5k for us tomorrow and then Molly’s specialist visit which is really the source of much stress and anxiety but at least its happening and hopefully fingers crossed we will just know one way or another what is really going on with her eye.

After that its home and then in theory we are supposed to go to my mom’s house to celebrate my sisters birthday. The whole family will be there. But I have a bit of a stupid issue. The issue being that while I completely adore my family they are really terrible horrible eaters. Meaning, everything they are preparing is ridiculously bad for you. I can say this is okay but Sunday morning it’s another half for us and I can’t eat shit food the night before and get sick. It’s not a good idea at all. Plus been working hard and all at meeting my goals. Sometimes I just wish they’d eat healthier, not really for me, but for them honestly. I know I can’t eat the food, but we will probably stop by to say hi and hang out a little. But the food is so tempting which is always part of the problem honestly. Will power. Geesh.

And then of course Sunday morning marks the one year anniversary of me running my very first half marathon.  I of course celebrate by running another half. But this time its number 22 for the year. Amazing what you can accomplish in a year. Thankfully in a year’s time I have learned how not to be as much of a neurotic freak about running as I was before that very first one. I remember really being a total basket case and scared shitless honestly. Thankfully I don’t get like that anymore. Sure, sometimes I still get nervous or scared but not enough to keep me up all night and feeling like I want to puke. I’ve endured most scenarios now on a run and I’m pretty confident that I have the ability to finish no matter what obstacles I may end up facing.

Got to push thru strong now. I’m on the home stretch so to speak. 2 weeks today I will be in San Jose. I can’t believe it’s only 2 weeks, time sure does have a way of going by. But I’m proud that since I decided to get back at it and set a goal for myself I am officially down 12 pounds. I feel so much better today than I did 8 weeks ago when I started.  I really can notice 12 pounds gone off my frame.

I am exhausted right now, but hopefully the high of running will take me thru this race heavy weekend. After all, I should be celebrating sticking with something for a whole year. Running has changed me in every possible way and made my life better. That is what I need to celebrate this weekend. Thank you half marathon’s for shaping me and pushing me and giving me the best year of my life, ever!

Exhausted with a surprise

Hmm. It’s been a couple days. I can honestly say that a certain amount of stress mixed with starting my period has left me in a crabby crappy mood. I hate that! Molly has an appointment with an eye specialist on Saturday, and that is the best we can do. There is definitely something more serious wrong with her eye and consequently we both spend far too much time worrying about her. Not that it’s ever a waste or wrong to spend an excessive amount of time worrying about your child when they are in pain. It’s just at this moment we are helpless and pretty much at the mercy of what is going to happen.  In the meantime we are just loving her and giving her attention and treats and doing the best we can. Not too much else we actually can do.

Given all the crazy stress and then of course the onslaught of my period and honestly this morning I was seriously beyond thrilled to have lost anything on the scale. I was pretty sure I’d be lucky to even maintain. I was at 147.5, meaning I lost .8 pounds this week. I will take it. Actually I am truly HAPPY with losing .8 pounds. I swear this is the most excited I’ve ever been to see a .8 loss. It’s great considering what size I’m at right now, and how good I actually feel about my body at this point and of course given this crazy stress week and less than perfect eating. I have been period hungry this week which means I just want to eat everything in sight and have very little will power. I tried very hard to keep it under some amount of control. So clearly a .8 pound loss is great for me. I’m thrilled and excited with that.

Mostly I’m worried about Molly. This shit sucks. This is why I am glad on some level I do not have children. It is so hard to stress and worry about them. It’s hard enough dealing with all my crazy stress yet alone someone else you love dearly. This includes my fur babies.  As a result of the stress and the period and my hormones whacking out of control those little things that normally wouldn’t bother you suddenly become big crazy deals. I have found myself getting irritated at the slightest things lately. It’s really really ridiculous. But living in an overwhelming land of stress and helplessness can cause this. I just don’t want my baby to lose her eye or go blind or anything like that. It’s kind of a big deal.

But I push on. I soldier on as I always do. Last night I was just physically exhausted. I REALLY REALLY didn’t want to go to the gym, but I had personal training and I knew it was most likely going to kick my ass. I mean, it always does, so I don’t know why I ever wonder or doubt that I will walk away feeling sore and tired. Today I hurt, like my chest and upper parts of my chest arm area are so tender that at times I kind of make those whiny cry noises. Yup, it’s attractive on top of my shit mood. I move my arms and I go ouch. Good times. Clearly last night we did chest. It’s only 3 exercises people. 3 sets of 3 exercises for chest and I am fried. Then we did 3 sets of 3 exercises for my back. That’s it. Half an hour gone.  And at the time I think this doesn’t seem like I’m going to be sore tomorrow and then somehow I just am.

I am much stronger in my back than I am in my chest so while it hurt like a son of a bitch last night doing those back exercises, so much so that I was making grunty noises and my acquaintances and “friends” at the gym who were watching were smiling and laughing with me (I’m going to say with me because I had a smile on my face and was laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation!)  I was exhausted, like killed VERY heavy lat pulls and thought I was just going to die. Then she was like, just to burn out, let’s do 20 light lat pulls. On the inside I wanted to cry. I was exhausted. On the outside, I nervously laughed and went, ha ha, okay.

Today my back doesn’t really hurt, but its hard to tell because the front side is in so much trauma that I think it overshadows any amount of pain that might exist on my back. 3 freaking chest exercises, 3 sets and I seriously am throbbing today. Crazy town. I guess that is sometimes why a trainer is important. There is just no way on my own that I get to that point. For one, I can’t. I can’t lift that heavy without a spotter whom I trust and who is going to push me.  Plus not to mention I just don’t want to. Ha Ha.

But I’m feeling it today. I actually felt great last night after running 1.5 miles, and then doing my 30 minutes of training, and then doing an hour Iron Power strength training class. But alas once again today it’s 4 something and I’m exhausted and don’t want to go. But I must. Get thru one more night of it and then tomorrow I have to take off because I have to take Bella in to the vet for her vaccinations. I’m getting pretty tired of vet visits these days. No fun. Stress is no fun at all.

What I really want to do is go home and curl up under the covers and sleep. But that is just not going to happen. Instead I will force myself to the gym to give it one more go of it.  All I will commit to is just 1 hour. Give myself 1 little hour. I can do that. Then I am free to go home and relax thru Saturday. I guess I still have to get thru tomorrow first though.

Either way, that is where I am at, and it’s not the prettiest place in the world, but it could always be worse I guess. Let’s just hope it’s not the worse come Saturday.