Exhausted with a surprise

Hmm. It’s been a couple days. I can honestly say that a certain amount of stress mixed with starting my period has left me in a crabby crappy mood. I hate that! Molly has an appointment with an eye specialist on Saturday, and that is the best we can do. There is definitely something more serious wrong with her eye and consequently we both spend far too much time worrying about her. Not that it’s ever a waste or wrong to spend an excessive amount of time worrying about your child when they are in pain. It’s just at this moment we are helpless and pretty much at the mercy of what is going to happen.  In the meantime we are just loving her and giving her attention and treats and doing the best we can. Not too much else we actually can do.

Given all the crazy stress and then of course the onslaught of my period and honestly this morning I was seriously beyond thrilled to have lost anything on the scale. I was pretty sure I’d be lucky to even maintain. I was at 147.5, meaning I lost .8 pounds this week. I will take it. Actually I am truly HAPPY with losing .8 pounds. I swear this is the most excited I’ve ever been to see a .8 loss. It’s great considering what size I’m at right now, and how good I actually feel about my body at this point and of course given this crazy stress week and less than perfect eating. I have been period hungry this week which means I just want to eat everything in sight and have very little will power. I tried very hard to keep it under some amount of control. So clearly a .8 pound loss is great for me. I’m thrilled and excited with that.

Mostly I’m worried about Molly. This shit sucks. This is why I am glad on some level I do not have children. It is so hard to stress and worry about them. It’s hard enough dealing with all my crazy stress yet alone someone else you love dearly. This includes my fur babies.  As a result of the stress and the period and my hormones whacking out of control those little things that normally wouldn’t bother you suddenly become big crazy deals. I have found myself getting irritated at the slightest things lately. It’s really really ridiculous. But living in an overwhelming land of stress and helplessness can cause this. I just don’t want my baby to lose her eye or go blind or anything like that. It’s kind of a big deal.

But I push on. I soldier on as I always do. Last night I was just physically exhausted. I REALLY REALLY didn’t want to go to the gym, but I had personal training and I knew it was most likely going to kick my ass. I mean, it always does, so I don’t know why I ever wonder or doubt that I will walk away feeling sore and tired. Today I hurt, like my chest and upper parts of my chest arm area are so tender that at times I kind of make those whiny cry noises. Yup, it’s attractive on top of my shit mood. I move my arms and I go ouch. Good times. Clearly last night we did chest. It’s only 3 exercises people. 3 sets of 3 exercises for chest and I am fried. Then we did 3 sets of 3 exercises for my back. That’s it. Half an hour gone.  And at the time I think this doesn’t seem like I’m going to be sore tomorrow and then somehow I just am.

I am much stronger in my back than I am in my chest so while it hurt like a son of a bitch last night doing those back exercises, so much so that I was making grunty noises and my acquaintances and “friends” at the gym who were watching were smiling and laughing with me (I’m going to say with me because I had a smile on my face and was laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation!)  I was exhausted, like killed VERY heavy lat pulls and thought I was just going to die. Then she was like, just to burn out, let’s do 20 light lat pulls. On the inside I wanted to cry. I was exhausted. On the outside, I nervously laughed and went, ha ha, okay.

Today my back doesn’t really hurt, but its hard to tell because the front side is in so much trauma that I think it overshadows any amount of pain that might exist on my back. 3 freaking chest exercises, 3 sets and I seriously am throbbing today. Crazy town. I guess that is sometimes why a trainer is important. There is just no way on my own that I get to that point. For one, I can’t. I can’t lift that heavy without a spotter whom I trust and who is going to push me.  Plus not to mention I just don’t want to. Ha Ha.

But I’m feeling it today. I actually felt great last night after running 1.5 miles, and then doing my 30 minutes of training, and then doing an hour Iron Power strength training class. But alas once again today it’s 4 something and I’m exhausted and don’t want to go. But I must. Get thru one more night of it and then tomorrow I have to take off because I have to take Bella in to the vet for her vaccinations. I’m getting pretty tired of vet visits these days. No fun. Stress is no fun at all.

What I really want to do is go home and curl up under the covers and sleep. But that is just not going to happen. Instead I will force myself to the gym to give it one more go of it.  All I will commit to is just 1 hour. Give myself 1 little hour. I can do that. Then I am free to go home and relax thru Saturday. I guess I still have to get thru tomorrow first though.

Either way, that is where I am at, and it’s not the prettiest place in the world, but it could always be worse I guess. Let’s just hope it’s not the worse come Saturday.