Helpless

Well Molly has been to the vet 2 days in a row now. Yesterday she went in and then she went in again to our vet here in town. She’s been a busy girl. The conclusion at the end of all these doctor’s visits is that she now needs to see a specialist.  Whatever is going on in her eye is out of the norm and it’s now time for a vet who specializes in eyeballs to come in. Oh joy. They eye is just not healing properly. It should have gotten better by now and she is still in pain apparently so I guess this is going to happen. Chris is working the late shift at work today thru Thursday which means he has the mornings off. He is going to call the specialist that the vet recommended I guess today and we will go from there. I hate thinking of my baby suffering. Sometimes she seems perfectly happy and healthy and normal. Then sometimes I can tell she’s sad. I suppose this is what parents feel like when their children are suffering. Molly is my baby. My child. I am not ever going to be a fully on human mom but I am definitely a doggy mommy and it hurts my heart.

I really don’t know too much at this point. Other than what is happening in her eye is not normal. The antibiotics should have worked by now; they have not. Her eye has essentially scabbed over with that blurry filmy glassy look and the antibiotics are not properly getting to the scratch. Oh yeah, her eyeball now has an ulcer in it. The vet found that. She has an eyeball ulcer. Don’t exactly know what that means either. I was not actually at either doctor’s visit. I just want her to get better. My sweet sweet sad little girl. We will just keep moving forward. It’s frustrating feeling so helpless and not really knowing what’s going on. Sigh.

Last night I had a great gym workout and came home to just Bella. Molly was still at Grandpa’s house and she and Chris did not get home until late. Bella is all puppy and she was definitely missing Molly last night. As soon as Molly came home she was super excited and happy. It was pretty cute. While I did have a great workout I was completely overly hungry last night.  I ate way too much for sure. Stress might do that as well.

I plan on going to the gym tonight and running for ½ an hour, just a quick 5k run and then do at least ½ an hour of weights of some sort. I am almost thinking about doing legs just to get them done and out of the way for the week. Tomorrow is personal training and then I will work out again Thursday night. Friday is pretty typically rest day for me and then Saturday morning I am going to run a 5k with Chris and then Sunday is another half marathon.

I really really love running on the weekends with my husband. It has become without a shadow of a doubt one of my favorite things ever. Something I look forward to all week. It is the motivation that gets me thru the monotony of the work week. Knowing that at weeks end I get to spend a weekend with my husband and go and have fun and do these running events. It really has become one of my favorite things in life and I feel blessed and fortunate to have the ability and desire to be able to do these things with my best friend. It just makes life better.

I have learned that while I always loved Chris, life didn’t become amazing amazing until we discovered this shared passion. Life is better when you have someone to share it with. The fact that I can discuss running with him and he just “gets it” is beyond words. I don’t have to tell him why I love running or try and explain the complex relationship between pain and pleasure. Those moments of pure bliss which are typically surrounded by agony and perseverance. My best thinking and most life affirming moments happen while I am knee deep into a half marathon. It just suddenly clears away all the bullshit and reminds me of exactly what is important in life.  At this point I just can’t imagine my life without running in it.

The gym is fine and nice and dandy but it pales in comparison to being outside enjoying the run. I still believe in strength training and whole heartedly believe it is needed to make you a strong well rounded person but there is no one who will ever be able to convince me that running is taboo or something I shouldn’t do. It’s ingrained in my heart and soul now.

This weekend will mark the 1 year anniversary of my first half marathon. This Sunday, while running my 22^nd half of the year, it will be exactly 1 year ago that I ran my very first one. Look at all that I have accomplished in a year. I can’t even believe I have done all this in one year. This is the beauty of life. One year ago today I had no idea what was to come. I had no idea that running organized races would become the most significant thing in my life. That it would change my entire life honestly. This always gives me so much hope for the future because it reiterates the concept that every single day something seemingly small can alter the course of your life. Never give up on anything because every single moment can provide the opportunity to change it.

Almost 2 years ago I was 220 pounds. 1 year ago I was scared shitless freaked about running my first real race ever. And today I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. Life can be amazing. Now if only my Molly would heal then I’d feel just a little better.