Week 13, Day Two

Week 13, Day Two

It’s funny to me that there is all this hype and anticipation for Christmas and people vest so much into it (myself included completely) and then it’s over in a blink of an eye and some of what seemed so important really isn’t. And some of it is so much better than you could ever have imagined. I have a wonderful thoughtful caring husband. Sure we may fight and argue like most adults who breathe, but he tries so hard and I appreciate that so much. He got me an ipad for Christmas, which I completely LOVE. He also got me a $100 gift card to Victoria Secret, $50 to Red Lobster (my favorite restaurant ever!) and then he was super sweet and got me a coconut bath and body works body butter (because coconut is my favorite) and then the bare essentials face powder that I use was getting low so sometime recently he must have taken it into the store and he got me a new one. That is thoughtfulness!
Anyway, that was a side tangent. My point is Christmas is over- New Years is fastly approaching which I find to be an interesting time. Somehow magically because tomorrow is suddenly 2013 people decide that they must resolve to something new for the year. Why do so many people suddenly decide it’s time to lose weight? I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I mean deciding Jan 1 is better than NEVER deciding. It’s just an interesting phenomenon that gyms suddenly become packed and stores put all their fitness stuff on sale. Then by the time Feb. or March hit most gyms have returned to normal capacity with only a few survivors of the New Year’s Resolution fad.

I truly believe ANY time is a good time to start. If it happens to have to be Jan. 1 for you than its better than never for sure. What I really don’t mind is that at this time of the year since so many people jump on the fitness bandwagon there is lots of deals on stuff and of course lots of good information out there. It seems to be a good focus for a while and therefore lots of discussion in regards to health and fitness happen. That feeds my little obsessive self. I mean the Biggest Loser returns Jan 6 and for that I am completely grateful. Although rewatching past seasons are truly a wonderful thing for me right now. I believe I have enough past seasons to get thru to last me a year so I don’t show any signs of feeling complete depravation yet. However a new season is always welcome!

Since I’ve already been at this for 3 months I feel like I have a real secure footing/foundation on this weight loss thing. I am still plugging along happy for the most part. I stumble here and there and there are a few times where exercise becomes a chore I just don’t want to do, but for the most part I love it and look forward to it. It really is true what they say about exercise improving your mood and being the natural anti-depressant. It always is for me which is why it’s so puzzling that I ever give it up. I need all the natural help I can get.

I feel like that with the New Year while I may not be committing myself to a healthy lifestyle, I do feel a renewed yes I can do this and that is happiness. Things were not perfect over the last week but I will say I think they went better than I actually could have expected. I am completely proud of myself. My goal was to run last Friday and then manage two runs in between Saturday to Monday… I am very proud to say that I ran Friday night- 10 miles. I got myself up Saturday morning and I ran 8 miles. I got myself up Sunday morning and I ran 8 miles. I EVEN got myself up Monday Morning (Christmas Eve) and I ran 8 miles. Mission accomplished. My eating was better than I expected but not perfect. Which is okay. I did drink wine and eat cookies and cheese and crackers on Christmas Eve. Then Christmas day hit and I definitely ate more than I should have. After a wonderful Christmas morning with my family (complete with coffee cake pastries) we headed to Chris’s dads house where I ate lots of nuts. (Hunger lead to nut eating!) and then we went to Shari’s. I had the holiday dinner special which ultimately is pretty bad, but it was Christmas…. And therefore okay to eat a piece of pie… Ah well. I worked hard and ran 4 days in a row.

Christmas was wonderful and then I had to go back to work on Wednesday. I ate good on Wednesday but it’s hard to instantly undo damage from the previous 2 days of eating bad. I ran Wednesday night, 13 miles to be exact. Alas, when I weighed myself Thursday morning I was down .7 pounds. I expected it. Firstly, I had two previous weeks of killer weight loss and then I was coming off of two days of bad eating. With all that said I actually believe I lost more this week but that it will take a week to show up on the scale. And if I didn’t that’s okay to. I didn’t gain. That was my goal for the week. I simply wanted to live thru Christmas and not gain any weight. Mission accomplished.

Week 13 finds me down a total of 32.4 pounds. Not too bad. While I am embarrassed by the weight I started at, at least I am doing something about it. I mean the weight I am at now is also a weight that I have previously joined WW at. People start their weight loss journey at the weight my scale says right now. I am fully aware of this fact, but again, at least I am working on it right now. Oh, and I can run. I don’t run super fast, but I am an endurance runner. I can run and run and keep running. That is something I can do. And because of it I feel strong and proud. I have solid little muscles forming in my legs and I completely think it helps with getting rid of the McDonalds gut I have developed over time. Running is my friend. Always has been, will always go back to it.

Last night I managed another 8 mile run. Tonight I run. It’s just what I do. Or rather it’s just what I do after three solid months of caring. I had to make me the priority again. I had to make loving myself instead of hating the mirror more important.
I’m glad Christmas is over, as much as I love it, I’m glad it’s done so that I can return to focusing on other things. I’m ready for spring, although January is not really spring… but I’m ready nonetheless. Bring it on… and bring on 2013. I’m ready…

2012 hasn’t been the best year of my life, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? Thanks Kelly Clarkson for that. I am thinking 2013 will be much better… Said with a grain of salt before 2013 has even begun. I will make goal again this year and that is something to celebrate all by itself. (Wish I didn’t always find myself in a place of self loathe where food seems like the only option) but now is not the time to dwell on the bad… move forward. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I feel stronger today than EVER….

Week 12: Day Two; Christmas Anticipation

Well I survived another week of Christmas activities and another weigh-in yesterday. I love how I saw weigh-in as if it’s all official. It’s not. I get up in the morning, go to the bathroom and then stand on my scale. That’s as official as it gets for me. But it seems to be working. I was down another 4 pounds this week. That means I am at officially 31.7 pounds for 11 weeks. Not too shabby at all. I am starting to notice and feel it. I feel better and that is an improvement. I still shutter to tell you what that number actually puts me at. A number I am still embarrassed by. Funny how you could lose 31.7 pounds and still be embarrassed by your weight or realize that you still have more to go. But honestly, I don’t hate myself now. Not that I ever hated myself, but I don’t dislike the way I look and that is an improvement. 31.7 pounds ago I hated looking in the mirror and I hated the way I looked in everything.

I managed to frost cookies last Saturday and only eat one cookie and perhaps a little more of the frosting that I probably should have but it still all worked out okay. I think it all works out okay due to my running. I love to run and make it a point to push myself as much as I can. Yesterday was myself imposed night off from running. When I run Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I need a rest. That was last night. But I have to have a calculated plan for this week because this week 12 is going to be HARD. Like the hardest week in a while. I have so much celebrating and Christmas activity to do. I have to get thru work today and then its four fun filled days of family fun. Fun filled days of family fun involve bad food and wine.

This is what I am thinking in terms of exercise. I am writing it down to commit myself to a plan. I will run tonight and treat today as any other normal day. Christmas is Tuesday so no exercise is going to occur that day I am way to busy. Wednesday is back to normal so I will most likely go to work and then run after work. That takes care of two workouts for the week. My goal is simply to get 4 workouts in. I generally strive for 5 workouts a week but this week will be THRILLED if I can get 4. That means between Saturday and Monday I need two workouts. My family really doesn’t come into town until noon on Saturday so I could potentially get up Saturday morning and do an hour run. I HATE morning exercise. I always run when I get home from work at about 5:30 or so. This is what my body is used to. Morning exercise and me don’t mix. I am not a morning person at all. But it might be what I have to do. This means that between Sunday and Monday I have to do one more workout. Monday is Christmas Eve and we have huge family festivities but not until the afternoon so again it’s possible for me to get up in the morning and run for an hour. I am basically just trying to talk it thru and commit myself to a plan of action. I think I will feel much better if I can manage that. I am not expecting anything big in terms of weight loss this week. To be honest if I could just maintain and not gain I am going to be happy for this week.

The food will be plentiful the exercise will be hard to come by and I bought wine to indulge in. Its Christmas, my favorite time of year hands down and I think it’s perfectly okay to not be perfect. Christmas day after we open presents we go to Chris’s dads and will go out to an early dinner at Shari’s probably so my healthy options are limited and I don’t want to be that girl anyway. So it is what it is. Maintain this week would be wonderful. I mean I quietly went into the weight loss night, didn’t jump in with some scary admission or run full force into the I’m going to be get thin bandwagon. I feel like I haven’t given it the crazy obsessive attention I have in the past and therefore I am beyond thrilled that in 3 months I weigh 31.7 pounds less. What if I hadn’t started exercising or eating better… where would I be right now? Very unhappy I’m sure. The truth is life was going to go on no matter what I did, these three months would have passed regardless so now they’ve passed with me being 31.7 pounds less. That is an accomplishment.

February 13, 2013 I got to Las Vegas to see my Pink concert. We are leaving on Feb 13, will celebrate Valentine’s Day there, my concert is Friday the 15th and then we come home on Sat. the 16th. I think in the back of my mind I just always wanted to be healthier for that. I was afraid of going to Vegas being the size I was a few months ago. I barely had clothes that fit, I felt frumpy and old. I already feel better and I have a month and a half still until Vegas to take off at least another 10 pounds or so. I won’t be at goal but at least I will be happy. That is good enough.
I am very excited for my family to get here on Saturday and really enjoy the holidays… It just makes me smile… I can’t wait!!!!! With that everyone enjoy the holiday season and allow yourself the ability to fully enjoy it!

Week 11: Day 1

Today is Day 1 of week 11. I have successfully completed 10 entire weeks of eating healthy and exercising. I feel really good today, but then again it was a weigh in morning so typically when I see a loss I feel pretty good and its hard to not feel really good all day long basking in that glow. In 10 weeks I have lost a total of 27.7 pounds. That is not too shabby. It’s not Biggest Loser crazy (can you tell I have been watching a lot of biggest loser lately) but nothing is Biggest Loser crazy outside of the Biggest Loser. I think Jillian Michaels said it best, Biggest Loser is the Olympics of weight loss. It is not possible anywhere else nor would I want to. I mean who really wants to work out 6-8 hours a day? I do NOT. I’ll take my 27.7 pounds in 10 weeks and be happy. Crazy happy actually. That is a great number.

Today I was rewarded with a great number. The last two weeks the scale was only losing a little bit then today I got a 4.5 pound loss. Body catching up. I actually don’t hate my body right now, must better with 27.7 pounds off of it, that’s for sure. I’m rocking a cute outfit today which makes me happy. I ventured into the black leggings and knee high boots realm today and I must say as much as I admire the look online I was very weary that I couldn’t pull it off. However, I think I’m doing okay. I feel happy and confident and that is what most of weight loss efforts are really about. Doesn’t matter what the scale says you are ultimately going for feeling happy and confident. I am still a long way from where I’d like to be on the scale, a long way from where I once was, but its not cool to compare what once was to now. What once was is clearly no longer and I am clearly a different person now so what I am now is what matters.

What I will say is that although I am not the same person now inside of me ALWAYS has lives a fighter. Someone who will not quit no matter the circumstances. Someone who will achieve anything that I actually decide to do. That is where I am at right now. I will achieve this. I am not even worried or thinking that I won’t. 10 weeks, 27.7 pounds. I am not stopping now. I completely seriously am proud of the fact that I have done this all without compromising myself. Without once peeking on the scale. I weigh in once a week period. I don’t obsessively write my food down. I eat breakfast and lunch and dinner and run. Wash, rinse, repeat. Of course it is more like 4-5 days of running a week. I have a hard time with weekends like most of the world and tend to overindulge and take off from running. But after 4 days of working out in a row my body screams for a break. I HAVE to take a day off. In order to run well again I need a day of rest. It seems to be working for me.

It feels really good to do things right for once. I am not perfect but I am happy. I wasn’t happy 10 weeks ago, and felt powerless and spinning out of control. Today I am happy and really excited for Christmas. Christmas is my favorite time of the year hands down and I am so excited to celebrate and share in the fun with my family. I just love being around my family so much and the wonderful happiness that is Christmas just warms my heart. I sincerely can’t wait.

Glad today is Thursday and another weekend is coming up. I have a pedicure appointment with my mama and sister on Saturday morning. Love them, should be fun. Ususally I get a French tip but I am thinking since its winter and my toes are not often exposed except at home I might go red for the holiday season. Just a thought…. After that we are going to my aunts house where I shall meet up with cousins and aunts to frost cookies. Now I am just praying that I don’t down lots of cookies and frosting which are always my weakness, but I plan to wear a nice cute outfit to keep me in check and hopefully remind me of how far I’ve come. Either way it should be fun. I just love this stinkin time of the year. So merry… Complete love… Happiness in my heart and that’s about it.

Silent discent

Hmm… it’s interesting to me that somewhere in the universe this page exists where previous thoughts of mine have been collected. Actually when I get in a mood I have goggled myself, Emilys Big Adventure and up pops my very first website that actually still chronicles my first date with Chris, well over eight years ago now… has it been that freaking long? Anyway, it’s crazy to me that this page is here in the universe and I can write something if I choose which apparently I don’t often choose. Guess I’m leaving lots of good info out there in the world for people to search and find if anything ever happens to me. Yes, I watch too much Dateline NBC, 20/20, 48 hours mysteries, Snapped, etc. The news media would have a heyday with the info they could find on the World Wide Web with me. But I’m assuming it shall never come to that as for most people it rarely does. I’d probably delete my first website if I even knew how to. I can’t remember what password or username or even how to get into it so it sits there as a tribute to the girl I was forever ago. I certainly am not her anymore. We have a lot of similarities, but are such worlds apart to.

Hmm… last time I wrote I went back to weight watchers the end of May. That lasted two weeks; clearly I still wasn’t ready despite seeing that awful number. Further proof that you can’t make yourself do it if you aren’t ready to yet. What transpired was another 4 months of avoidance and self-loathing which quietly materialized into an October 5, 2012 recommitment to me. Instead of being a loud boisterous announcement to the world of my recommitment, I quietly went into the weight loss night and simply just ate well for one day. Then the next I ate well, and then I was like hey can I go three days… It wasn’t a declaration of my recommitting to any greater good. It wasn’t an I’m going to do this because I hate myself so much. It was a simple quite act and it worked. In hindsight I actually think this is why I am two months solid and feeling okay about things. I made no great promises to myself, no shockingly unrealistic expectations, just one day, one girl, one moment at a time.

In fact it took me until October 10 to decide that I might even want to try and exercise again. And even then it was a simple quick 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill. This old tired large body wasn’t used to anything more vigorous. Of course what followed was what always happens which is my love of exercise or rather running is resparked and in the weeks that followed not only was I doing an hour plus but I was running the entire duration and slowly but surely getting better. All of this was occurring while I was NOT weighing myself 3 times a day or conveniently starving myself more than I should. It was a nice natural happy progression. And it’s working.
In fact for an entire month I did not weigh myself at all. I weighed myself on Oct. 5 and then it was November 1 before I got on the scale again. This made perfect sense to me. Mainly because I was able to avoid a lot of the crazy behaviors that so often plague me in any effort to lose weight. The constant weighing and shuffling my life based on those stupid numbers. The not drinking too much water or liquid even after running my ass off for an hour simply because I didn’t want to see the water on the scale. STUPID! If you don’t weigh yourself you take care of yourself. Crazy concept I know. So alas one month passed and I lost 10.2 pounds. Good enough for me. Besides at this point while at times it seemed easier to want to sit on the couch after work rather than run, for the most part I wasn’t doing anything that was too hard. I was definitely beyond the point of return. No more daily McDonald’s runs and my body felt better. No more crazy turning of my stomach after eating stupid grease. Yeah, I had come too far to quit for sure.

I guess it’s a little bit like, what am I going to do now, quit? Even if I had a bad day where I wanted to eat a bag of candy or not exercise, in the grand scheme of things was I really going to quit? No, I honestly am not. Since Nov. 1 I have been weighing myself exactly once a week. Every Thursday morning after I get up and go to the bathroom I weigh myself. No second guessing all week, no being mad if earlier in the week I saw a lower number, no beating myself up. Just once a week and I take whatever it gives me because a loss is a loss. 4 more weeks have passed at this rate and I am down 21.2 pounds. I of course have weigh in tomorrow morning. I don’t feel like I had a particularly great week as my sister and niece and nephew were in town this weekend and I didn’t exercise like I should or eat like I should. I had too many of those delicious peppermint candy can Hershey kisses, but even if I lose half a pound I will take it.

I am most proud of the reality that despite what I weigh, despite everything I constantly put my body thru I still can run. I love running. Always have. Last night I ran for 1 hour 43 minutes, 13 miles. I know I am capable of that. I also look forward to what I will be capable of when I weigh less and get some more of this weight off of me.

Clearly I will always have a weight problem. Thank God I always come back to eating well. I should also point out that I am not crazy obsessing over food either, in fact I am not even writing anything down. I eat breakfast and then lunch, have a snack run have dinner and it is what it is. And I’m happy about the fact that I don’t obsess over every stupid little thing.

I still have my moments of I hate my body or I can’t do this, some things are very hard to unlearn. But I can honestly say that for the most part I don’t think about it too much. I see the progress I’m making and that is what matters. In eight weeks I lost 21.2 pounds and that is progress. Someone else probably can’t tell on my body just yet, but I notice the subtle little things and that’s what matters. Hell I’ve been wearing my wedding ring for a month no problems and that was a huge goal for me. Not squeezing my finger so much that I have to take it off.

Things are good, I’m doing good and I’ll take it. I have to say I much prefer the silent decent into happiness rather than the guns blazing running in shooting em up approach. This works so much better.

Oh and two shout outs, one to pinterest where I have collected motivational sayings about exercise that keep me smiling and motivated when I might otherwise give up and I have found my missing link, the holy grail of running, for me it is my lovely huluplus that I watch on my blu ray player in the gym. Who knew that someday there would be a means to watch past seasons of the Biggest Loser on demand while I run day in and day out. I have watched two complete seasons now and am working on another one. Sure, I watched them some time ago, and while I know who wins and all and I have vague recollections of some of the events, in a lot of ways it’s all new and fresh. I LOVE it so much. I haven’t been able to tear myself away from past seasons as if it’s happening right now. The best part is that after I see someone get kicked off I can go to facebook and search for them to see how they are really doing today, years later. I am presently watching Season 6 which aired some time ago. I always thought my best workouts came when I was watching the Biggest Loser and now thanks to modern technology I can just watch it over and over. AMAZING!!!! I’m completely in love.

And so it begins

7.8…

Yes, you read that right…. 7.8 freaking pounds. That is how much I lost this week. I have NEVER lost that much in a week, EVER. Of course I had never gotten on a scale without giving it any thought like I did last week. When I weighed in last Thursday I am sure I had just drank a bunch of liquid and since I didn’t have any idea I’d be weighing in, last weeks number was probably a little inflated, but who cares… I’ll definitely take a 7.8 pound loss. I earned that this week. Well, honestly I don’t feel like I worked as hard as I could have so I am thrilled actually with that number. I was hoping for 5. I would have been happy with a 5. I am blown away by 7.8.

I did run last night, run 35 minutes, walked 35 minutes. Not all in a row of course. I broke it up. Intervals and I felt amazing afterwards. Of course it is still much harder than I’d like it to be. Much harder than I remember it being. I used to glide thru runs. It’s a struggle, but obviously worth it. I will get better at it. It WILL get easier. Right now I am just happy with the loss for the week.

I can also say that I am thrilled that I didn’t once all week get on a scale. Thus that number was a true shock. It was incredibly nice to not obsessively weigh myself. It was nice to just wait and see, because no matter what I did all week, the results would have been the same. I paid for the monthly pass so that I am forced to go back. So for now I am just going to take it one day at a time. That’s all I can do. Had myself a subway sandwich as my reward after weigh-in. I weighed in at lunch time. I have some couponing to do after work and then I will probably try and run again tonight, since tomorrow I will have to take off to go to dinner for Chris’s birthday.

Overall, I am very happy today. I am tired. I slept like crap last night, but I am happy right now and I’ll take it.

Same old, Same old

Yesterday was a super busy day for me. I had a million things to do and didn’t realize I hadn’t posted until about 4:30 PM… as I leave at 5 I just didn’t have time. Oh well, such is life. Not that I had anything to important to say. I most certainly did not. I still don’t, but I guess that doesn’t stop me from rambling.

The past few days have been very good on the food front. The exercise front is proving more challenging. I did run on Monday night, run/walk… anyway. I upped my stats a smidge and I felt good happy and alive. I didn’t run/walk yesterday, so of course the plan is to do it again today. As far as exercise goes, 3 times in a week is rather lack luster for me, but I have to admit it’s much harder with all these extra pounds on my body. Not nearly as much FUN to exercise. Guess it’s not supposed to be fun.

It’s really okay, because I will have a weigh-in tomorrow and I sure hope I see a good number and that it will motivate me somehow. I have to admit starting Friday this weekend is going to be a MAJOR challenge for me and I’m not looking forward to it. Friday is Chris’s birthday and we are going out to dinner with his dad and grandpa. And then Sunday is my birthday. I really don’t want to do anything special at all for it. I honestly kind of hate birthdays. It’s not my thing. I don’t like being any center of attention at all. I much prefer Christmas which is about sharing and celebrating a day with EVERYONE. It’s special for everyone. I don’t like being singled out at all. I don’t like the whole look at me thing. I rather wish I could skate by without it being acknowledged but I’m not sure that will happen.

Anyway, it’s going to be difficult and of course with my family coming into town (my niece and nephew) they aren’t coming for my birthday, they are coming because its Memorial Day weekend and they have an extra day off.

Alas, next week equals challenge. Fortunately weigh-in day is Thursday and therefore hopefully I will be able to get thru the weekend and be able to salvage the next couple days after that.

Overall I feel pretty good these days. I have to say after 6 days of eating well my body feels much better. I honestly do feel a difference. The cravings for crap food are less and that is good. Generally my mood is improving and no matter what the scale says I know I am making happy strides in the right direction.

Whoo hoo… I ordered a few new work out clothes from Victoria Secret and some weight watchers cookies or at least low enough point values for me cookies and they are both scheduled for delivery tomorrow… That is exciting since I wasn’t expecting them until next week. Tomorrow should be a good day it seems. Something to look forward to.

I’ve been doing a lot of couponing lately and it seems to distract me from focusing all of my energy and obsessing on food and weight, and I like that. I like having a distraction. I like having two things that pull my attention equally so that I don’t seem to be over focusing on either one. That’s healthy. I am not sure I mentioned this, but I coupon to make money. It’s my second job. Not only do I make money at the store, (store money), or rebate money, but my product I sell at garage sales. Of course I keep the product we use and want, but anything extra gets sold at garage sales. I do quite well and that is why I coupon. I coupon for myself, my family and my future. I coupon to subsidize my income. I coupon so I don’t have to spend as much of my life worrying about money. Of course I still worry about money, but at least it’s not as bad as it could be.

I will head out and pick up more stuff this afternoon on my lunch break. Our work post office is right next door to Rite-Aid and I stop in there a lot for stuff. It’s easy and they are super friendly.

Anyway, I feel pretty good today and I’ll take it.

I’m off….

Less than Chatty

I am not feeling particularly chatty today, but I will write anyway. I had a busy Sunday. Sunday is always my coupon day. New ads, new deals, etc. Basically I do a bunch of shopping and then by the time the evening hits I am worn out and thus did not feel like expending any energy to exercise. Plus my legs were a little sore so I just decided to not do it yesterday. I am okay with that.

Today has been incredibly busy for me and I feel like I am only now having a single moment to breath. After work I have to stop at Rite-Aid for a little more shopping. This is my life. I shop a lot. It’s a second job really. Honestly it is. Anyhow, my favorite checker at the Rite-Aid works Monday nights so I have to take advantage of that and head in. Honestly it will probably take me an hour and I’m not sure how I’m going to feel afterwards heading home and wanting to exercise. This has always been my struggle. I don’t exercise unless I do it immediately following work. I lose steam otherwise, but its equally as important to me to coupon. So Couponing wins tonight, but I am REALLY hoping that I can still get myself on the treadmill after I get home with my purchases. We will see.

Despite not exercising yesterday it was still a rather good day eating wise. I mean, its only been a couple days so I have new diet high, which will wear off I am certain. I haven’t weighed myself as I have no concept of what the number might be on my own personal scale. I just saw that horrid number on a weight watchers scale last Thursday and have no point of reference. For the time being I like that. I don’t have to play mind games with myself and the scale. I can simply focus on eating good and not worrying how the scale looks day by day.

I know this is going to be a LONG journey and while I know I’ve made smart decisions since last Thursday I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a smidge freaked out about what the scale will do on Thursday. And Yes, I do intend to go back and officially weigh-in. It is the thought that has kept me on track the last 4 days really.

I am still doing good, plugging along and that’s all that really matters. So long as I continue to make healthy choices things should fall into place all by themselves. I do know I need to exercise more to see any kind of results and I will. I just need to figure out how to slowly reintroduce my body to it and put it back into my schedule. It is a challenge.

On the plus side my food choices are no longer making me want to vomit every day. Yes, Mcdonalds really fucks with your system. Shocking…  But on the down side I am still feeling pretty tired most of the time. Like I need a shot of something to perk me up. But alas at this time of the day I ALWAYS feel that way. Hopefully I can get in and get out of Rite Aid this evening quickly and still manage a run/walk on the treadmill. Even ½ an hour would be good. We shall see.

In other news Oregon weather sucks. Its raining yet again. I know, what else is Oregon known for? But seriously its then end of May, and it was beautiful last week and now its rain… supposed to rain all week actually. That is DEPRESSING. It really does affect my mood. I want the sun back. And on that note, this rather pointless post shall come to a close. Hopefully tomorrow I will have found some more spunk and have more lively conversation.

Success

Success… well at least ½ a day of success is what I can honestly report. I have had a fabulous Saturday thus far. I managed to steer clear of the food demons that have spent the last 14 months consuming me and today I got on the treadmill. Yes, I lugged my huge body on the treadmill and boy was it work. I remember being on that thing and gliding, it really is so much easier to run/walk when you weigh less. It’s hard. No wonder my body is tired all time, I guess I didn’t realize how much extra weight I was actually carrying around. You feel every pound of it on the treadmill. Despite all that, I persevered.

I started the treadmill up and put the machine at a 4.0 miles per hour. I remember running at 6.5 once upon a time. I really need to throw my old demons out the window because what was once is no longer. Anyhow, 4.0 and it was between the cusp of walking so fast that my little legs just find it easier to run. So I ran, and I got tired. I pushed thru and managed to run for 15 minutes. I ran one complete mile before finally taking the treadmill down to a 3.5 to walk. I walked 5 minutes, then ran 5 more at which point my body knew that was all it was going to take for the day, of running at least. I was watching the newest Revenge from Wednesday night so I was thoroughly entertained and therefore distracted enough to take the treadmill to a nice 3.2 pace and finish out an entire hour of walking. Meaning overall I did 40 minutes of walking and 20 minutes of running. That is a HUGE success. Mostly fueled by the knowledge that I KNOW I can do it. My body is capable of a lot and therefore I made it do more than I probably would have ever attempted if I didn’t have full knowledge of what I used to be able to do.

My body was mush afterwards. My legs were mush and I will probably be sore, but I feel like I did something, albeit however little it really was, at least I did something. I managed something significant today and I am happy for that.

Aside from my hour long walk and healthy food choices I even managed to do some couponing this morning, so I’d say fairly balanced life in check. I have forgotten how much happier I really am when I have purpose. When I know I am making good choices. My body is definitely detoxing. Letting go of the crap food. Trying to come down from my sugar high I suppose. Today is day 3 and I am starting to feel better. Physically that is. Yes, I feel like I am carrying around so much extra weight than is necessary and suddenly I’m painfully aware of how much I want it gone. But I know that is going to take time. I’ll get there.

I am going to make stuffed bell peppers for dinner. I have ground turkey thawing and I bought some gorgeous looking peppers today at the grocery store. I am excited because they are quite delicious and healthy.

I am tired now. Go figure. I just finished my banana and am thinking I am going to go shower up and see where the rest of the day takes me.

If the ring fits...

Yesterday after work I had to stop at the grocery store and make some healthy food purchases. In the last couple years I have become a hardcore couponer. Like we are talking the likes of extreme couponing. I am nothing if not obsessive. It’s a characteristic that translates into everything I do in my life. The way I attack weight watchers when I chose to do it is the same way I attack anything that is important to me. Couponing is no exception. I simply no longer pay for any bathroom items. This means razors, shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, cleaning products, toilet paper, laundry soap, detergent, well anything that one could purchase at Rite-Aid… I don’t pay for it. Rite-Aid is my store. I simply have done this long enough, worked out a good enough relationship with the people at the stores that if Rite-Aid sells it I can manage to get it for free.

Anyhow, my point is this, while I get all this stuff for free, and I do try to save on food when I can, you still have to pay for food. There is no magic coupon to make produce and meats free. It just doesn’t happen. I do alright with my couponing in the grocery store, still saving a considerable amount. But healthy foods are just another issue. In the last year I don’t think I’ve spent more than $20 at the grocery store in a given trip. Yesterday after work I spent $65. This goes against my couponing sensibilities, but speaks greatly to my need to eat better. I bought fresh everything. The only things that made there way into the cart that wouldn’t constitute fresh was some low fat bread, some weight watchers cheese and a bottle of fat free mayo (for the sandwiches I will be preparing). God knows I had to have something to eat. I bought lots of fruits and veggies.

I loaded myself up, had a fabulous spaghetti dinner last night prepared by my wonderful husband and then this morning I prepared my official day 1 of lunch choices. I am proud of myself. I brought a premade salad I purchased at Safeway. I brought a ww string cheese; I have 2 bananas and a pear. I made myself a ham and cheese English muffin for breakfast and I brought a thing of water. Let the detox being! And I mean it. I know my body is going to detox from all the crap that has found its way into my system.

My first goal is pretty simple. Be able to wear my wedding ring again. Sure I can squeeze it onto my finger but after a few hours I notice it and it drives me crazy. It is a thicker band and it is too much. Presently I am wearing a simple engagement ring Chris gave me that I normally wear on my other hand. It is a thin tiny band and it doesn’t bother me to wear it. I moved it over to my left hand because I would honestly feel naked without something on my finger. I guess I knew weeks ago that something needed to be done when I honestly could no longer bear wearing it.

My finger looked like a stuffed sausage. Yes you know that whole muffin top problem with jeans and your fat hanging out… well… my ring and finger were doing the same thing. I could get the ring on but all the extra fat poofed out on the other side and I felt disgusting. It was not pretty or natural in the least. I ignored it, because I wasn’t ready to face anything by way of the scale. It is not easy in the least admitting that you have a severe problem you’ve been ignoring. I haven’t even shared with anyone that I can’t get my wedding ring to fit. Surprisingly enough my husband hasn’t really noticed yet, or if he did he didn’t say anything. I am wearing a ring, just not MY ring.

I hurt my foot the other day, a couple days ago… I did that whole thing where your ankle gives out and your foot flips to a side… It hurt and I knew it was sad and pathetic because it was in large part due to excess weight. Then my foot hurt so I didn’t want to walk… compounding all the issues.

Tomorrow is Saturday and while I am encouraged because I am riding the whole I am going to change and this ends now commitment that I have going on, I am also fearful of being home in a house full of horrible things. I mean, just last Sunday while couponing I picked up no less than 50 candy bars for free and 30 theater size boxes of skittles. Disturbing. They sit in my house. Probably should ditch those. They were free. All 100% free.

I think that I might attempt a walk tomorrow. I know there is no way in hell any running will be occurring. Its baby steps. This is the first step tomorrow. Just seeing if I can stomach walking for 15-30 minutes at a nice slow pace. It’s the best I can do. Especially because my stupid foot still hurts a smidge. But I can do this. I honestly did this once before, right where I’m at. I started one day and I just walked. I walked for 15 minutes. Then the next day I walked for another 15 and so on. I am perfectly capable of doing it again. I will do it again. I honestly have no choice.

The choice is to continue hating myself, hiding away from the world avoiding social activities, sending my husband on dog walks by himself out of sheer laziness on my part. This is not how I want to live my life. Embarrassed, buying bigger clothes, looking like a slob, and not being able to wear my ring. No I choose me. Finally after 14 months I choose me. I know its not going to be easy. I know that today I am full of hope and excitement, but there will come a time where I’m depressed and weary at how stalled I become. I know I will become stalled. That is inevitable.

But for today I am just excited that I am not eating McDonalds for lunch and I made better decisions. Today I did something I am proud of and I need to get back to the small victories in life.

True honesty is hard. It’s very hard to be honest with yourself. I ignored it. I didn’t want to tell anyone my ring didn’t fit. I pretended like I was fine and happy, because I tried to convince myself I was. Telling the truth to yourself is just not easy. I could beat myself up for all the wrongs I’ve done, but today instead I choose to be proud of myself for the step forward I am making. In the past 3 years I’ve tackled my money issues one thing at a time, so now its time to focus back on the food and me. Today I am proud for the choices I’ve made and know I am going to make.

In a lot of ways it’s incredibly freeing to be writing my food down again. Yes, I have a long way to go, but I know that now since I’ve made the commitment I will succeed and there is relief in that. Relief that while it may feel crappy right now I know that I WILL feel better again. That I will find myself again. That is worth a million McDonald’s trips.

Hello Again, I hope to meet you soon...

At various points in our lives we all need different things. We change and grow and evolve constantly. It seems for me the inevitable is this… I will always have a weight problem. I will always eat out of happiness, sadness, joy, misery, comfort, stress, excitement. Basically, I will always eat. Which leads me to point 2. As long as I will always eat, I will always EVENTUALLY return to weight watchers. Sure, I’ve given it up for FAR too long and the results are painfully evident. I have lost me again. I lost the girl I became. I miss her.

And in coming home to finding myself again, it seems weight loss and blogging go hand in hand for me. Not sure if I’ve ever learned to separate the two. Heaven knows I’ve not learned how to separate many aspects of my life, but I’ve gotten much better.

Do you see the last time I blogged on this site, well that is probably the last time I gave what food I put in my mouth a second thought. I have hated what I’ve been doing to my body for a long time, almost always feeling completely powerless to change it. I am not sure why today suddenly I felt like it was the day. But I did.

I decided today for some odd reason was the day I was walking back into weight watchers. Do you have any idea what 14 months of eating whatever you want will do to you? I unfortunately see the consequences all too drastically. It’s bad. It’s real bad. It’s the worst number I’ve EVER seen in my entire life. Worse than when I first stared weight watchers years ago. You know how you become blind to seeing yourself; I’ve become that ignorant girl in the land of denial.

My life is so different now. I first started weight watchers over 8 years ago. Yes, it’s been that freaking long and how I have changed in eight years. Thank goodness for that. And yet, how much apparently remains the same.

I had every intention of just walking into the meeting hall to buy the new 2012 starter kit. I really didn’t want to join. I just wanted the info. But it seems in order to get the info; you have to be a registered member. I told them I was going to do it online. So in order to buy my starter kit, I said fine, I’ll just join. Stupidly I didn’t realize that this meant getting on a scale. She said, okay; just get up on that scale. My whole body froze for a second. It was one thing for me to buy the information, but quite another to actually see the horrors of what I had done to myself. I haven’t been on a scale in over a year. No joke.

In one sweeping moment my world came tumbling down and I returned to an earth where I had become the statistic. Where I had gained everything and then some. Where I suddenly was painfully aware of why I hate looking in the mirror. Of why I don’t give one shit how I look in the morning or care what horrific clothes I put on. Of why I often times don’t want my husband to touch me. Yes, there was that number in all its glory and it took every ounce of my being to not let me jaw drop to the ground. To not start crying right there in that room. What the hell had I done to myself?

Ah yes, life had happened and I am so utterly disappointed in myself that all I could think of to do was sit down and write. Go back to the beginning. Back to where it all started. Back to where I found my success. So much is different eight years later though. Motivation is different. My body is different. I am going to be 33 years old in 10 days. Gone are the days of a 20 year olds metabolism. Gone are the days where I knew the program like the back of my hand.

Weight Watchers 2012 is entirely new. Sure you count points but to me that is where the similarities end. It appears to me on first glance that we don’t even care about calories. What??? It seems we care about carbs/fat/fiber and protein. All of my pre-canned point values floating in my head are useless. I must reteach myself something entirely new. Essentially starting at square one. Part of this is good news. Part of this is relief because clearly I am not the same person so its time I tried something new. I can’t fake my way thru it. I must really put in the effort. I suspect that would be nice.

But why, oh why Emily did you let yourself get here again? It’s the worst feeling in the world when you realize you have a double chin, your wedding ring doesn’t fit and you’re avoiding social outings because you’re embarrassed.

At least something about today was different. At least something about this morning, May 17, 2012 was different enough for me to drive my car to the meeting location. And as much as I can chastise myself for everything I’ve done to get to this horrific place, at least I made one good decision today. No, make that two. On the way to the meeting I had to stop at the payroll lady’s office and pick up checks, she gave me cookies. She always gives me cookies. Normally I would have demolished the 6 home baked cookies she gave me, God knows I’ve done it often enough. But not today. I told myself no, the first time in a long time I’ve done such a thing. I went to get my ww stuff and then afterwards instead of heading to McDonalds for lunch, fueled by the truth of the scale, I went to Subway. I ordered a 6” ham on wheat, and actually put twice as many veggies as I normally would on it. I got apple slices and my diet pop and walked out.

Two choices today that I can be proud of. Honestly I’m quite tired of feeling so tired all the time. Of feeling sick and lazy and lacking energy or the ability to walk. Who the fuck is this girl? I don’t want to be her for another day. And today, thank god, I made a choice to do it differently.

I honestly had no intention of going to meetings, but after seeing that number on the scale, as my world crashed down around me, I decided that I think I have to. I decided that apparently I do need those stupid meetings, or weigh-ins if nothing else. So I guess in some weird way the universe knew better than me.

Can I just say to myself, I am so sorry for what I’ve done to you and I promise that I’m going to fix it. I’m going to fix this mistake and find you again.