Silent discent

Hmm… it’s interesting to me that somewhere in the universe this page exists where previous thoughts of mine have been collected. Actually when I get in a mood I have goggled myself, Emilys Big Adventure and up pops my very first website that actually still chronicles my first date with Chris, well over eight years ago now… has it been that freaking long? Anyway, it’s crazy to me that this page is here in the universe and I can write something if I choose which apparently I don’t often choose. Guess I’m leaving lots of good info out there in the world for people to search and find if anything ever happens to me. Yes, I watch too much Dateline NBC, 20/20, 48 hours mysteries, Snapped, etc. The news media would have a heyday with the info they could find on the World Wide Web with me. But I’m assuming it shall never come to that as for most people it rarely does. I’d probably delete my first website if I even knew how to. I can’t remember what password or username or even how to get into it so it sits there as a tribute to the girl I was forever ago. I certainly am not her anymore. We have a lot of similarities, but are such worlds apart to.

Hmm… last time I wrote I went back to weight watchers the end of May. That lasted two weeks; clearly I still wasn’t ready despite seeing that awful number. Further proof that you can’t make yourself do it if you aren’t ready to yet. What transpired was another 4 months of avoidance and self-loathing which quietly materialized into an October 5, 2012 recommitment to me. Instead of being a loud boisterous announcement to the world of my recommitment, I quietly went into the weight loss night and simply just ate well for one day. Then the next I ate well, and then I was like hey can I go three days… It wasn’t a declaration of my recommitting to any greater good. It wasn’t an I’m going to do this because I hate myself so much. It was a simple quite act and it worked. In hindsight I actually think this is why I am two months solid and feeling okay about things. I made no great promises to myself, no shockingly unrealistic expectations, just one day, one girl, one moment at a time.

In fact it took me until October 10 to decide that I might even want to try and exercise again. And even then it was a simple quick 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill. This old tired large body wasn’t used to anything more vigorous. Of course what followed was what always happens which is my love of exercise or rather running is resparked and in the weeks that followed not only was I doing an hour plus but I was running the entire duration and slowly but surely getting better. All of this was occurring while I was NOT weighing myself 3 times a day or conveniently starving myself more than I should. It was a nice natural happy progression. And it’s working.
In fact for an entire month I did not weigh myself at all. I weighed myself on Oct. 5 and then it was November 1 before I got on the scale again. This made perfect sense to me. Mainly because I was able to avoid a lot of the crazy behaviors that so often plague me in any effort to lose weight. The constant weighing and shuffling my life based on those stupid numbers. The not drinking too much water or liquid even after running my ass off for an hour simply because I didn’t want to see the water on the scale. STUPID! If you don’t weigh yourself you take care of yourself. Crazy concept I know. So alas one month passed and I lost 10.2 pounds. Good enough for me. Besides at this point while at times it seemed easier to want to sit on the couch after work rather than run, for the most part I wasn’t doing anything that was too hard. I was definitely beyond the point of return. No more daily McDonald’s runs and my body felt better. No more crazy turning of my stomach after eating stupid grease. Yeah, I had come too far to quit for sure.

I guess it’s a little bit like, what am I going to do now, quit? Even if I had a bad day where I wanted to eat a bag of candy or not exercise, in the grand scheme of things was I really going to quit? No, I honestly am not. Since Nov. 1 I have been weighing myself exactly once a week. Every Thursday morning after I get up and go to the bathroom I weigh myself. No second guessing all week, no being mad if earlier in the week I saw a lower number, no beating myself up. Just once a week and I take whatever it gives me because a loss is a loss. 4 more weeks have passed at this rate and I am down 21.2 pounds. I of course have weigh in tomorrow morning. I don’t feel like I had a particularly great week as my sister and niece and nephew were in town this weekend and I didn’t exercise like I should or eat like I should. I had too many of those delicious peppermint candy can Hershey kisses, but even if I lose half a pound I will take it.

I am most proud of the reality that despite what I weigh, despite everything I constantly put my body thru I still can run. I love running. Always have. Last night I ran for 1 hour 43 minutes, 13 miles. I know I am capable of that. I also look forward to what I will be capable of when I weigh less and get some more of this weight off of me.

Clearly I will always have a weight problem. Thank God I always come back to eating well. I should also point out that I am not crazy obsessing over food either, in fact I am not even writing anything down. I eat breakfast and then lunch, have a snack run have dinner and it is what it is. And I’m happy about the fact that I don’t obsess over every stupid little thing.

I still have my moments of I hate my body or I can’t do this, some things are very hard to unlearn. But I can honestly say that for the most part I don’t think about it too much. I see the progress I’m making and that is what matters. In eight weeks I lost 21.2 pounds and that is progress. Someone else probably can’t tell on my body just yet, but I notice the subtle little things and that’s what matters. Hell I’ve been wearing my wedding ring for a month no problems and that was a huge goal for me. Not squeezing my finger so much that I have to take it off.

Things are good, I’m doing good and I’ll take it. I have to say I much prefer the silent decent into happiness rather than the guns blazing running in shooting em up approach. This works so much better.

Oh and two shout outs, one to pinterest where I have collected motivational sayings about exercise that keep me smiling and motivated when I might otherwise give up and I have found my missing link, the holy grail of running, for me it is my lovely huluplus that I watch on my blu ray player in the gym. Who knew that someday there would be a means to watch past seasons of the Biggest Loser on demand while I run day in and day out. I have watched two complete seasons now and am working on another one. Sure, I watched them some time ago, and while I know who wins and all and I have vague recollections of some of the events, in a lot of ways it’s all new and fresh. I LOVE it so much. I haven’t been able to tear myself away from past seasons as if it’s happening right now. The best part is that after I see someone get kicked off I can go to facebook and search for them to see how they are really doing today, years later. I am presently watching Season 6 which aired some time ago. I always thought my best workouts came when I was watching the Biggest Loser and now thanks to modern technology I can just watch it over and over. AMAZING!!!! I’m completely in love.