Yesterday after work I had to stop at the grocery store and make some healthy food purchases. In the last couple years I have become a hardcore couponer. Like we are talking the likes of extreme couponing. I am nothing if not obsessive. It’s a characteristic that translates into everything I do in my life. The way I attack weight watchers when I chose to do it is the same way I attack anything that is important to me. Couponing is no exception. I simply no longer pay for any bathroom items. This means razors, shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, cleaning products, toilet paper, laundry soap, detergent, well anything that one could purchase at Rite-Aid… I don’t pay for it. Rite-Aid is my store. I simply have done this long enough, worked out a good enough relationship with the people at the stores that if Rite-Aid sells it I can manage to get it for free.
Anyhow, my point is this, while I get all this stuff for free, and I do try to save on food when I can, you still have to pay for food. There is no magic coupon to make produce and meats free. It just doesn’t happen. I do alright with my couponing in the grocery store, still saving a considerable amount. But healthy foods are just another issue. In the last year I don’t think I’ve spent more than $20 at the grocery store in a given trip. Yesterday after work I spent $65. This goes against my couponing sensibilities, but speaks greatly to my need to eat better. I bought fresh everything. The only things that made there way into the cart that wouldn’t constitute fresh was some low fat bread, some weight watchers cheese and a bottle of fat free mayo (for the sandwiches I will be preparing). God knows I had to have something to eat. I bought lots of fruits and veggies.
I loaded myself up, had a fabulous spaghetti dinner last night prepared by my wonderful husband and then this morning I prepared my official day 1 of lunch choices. I am proud of myself. I brought a premade salad I purchased at Safeway. I brought a ww string cheese; I have 2 bananas and a pear. I made myself a ham and cheese English muffin for breakfast and I brought a thing of water. Let the detox being! And I mean it. I know my body is going to detox from all the crap that has found its way into my system.
My first goal is pretty simple. Be able to wear my wedding ring again. Sure I can squeeze it onto my finger but after a few hours I notice it and it drives me crazy. It is a thicker band and it is too much. Presently I am wearing a simple engagement ring Chris gave me that I normally wear on my other hand. It is a thin tiny band and it doesn’t bother me to wear it. I moved it over to my left hand because I would honestly feel naked without something on my finger. I guess I knew weeks ago that something needed to be done when I honestly could no longer bear wearing it.
My finger looked like a stuffed sausage. Yes you know that whole muffin top problem with jeans and your fat hanging out… well… my ring and finger were doing the same thing. I could get the ring on but all the extra fat poofed out on the other side and I felt disgusting. It was not pretty or natural in the least. I ignored it, because I wasn’t ready to face anything by way of the scale. It is not easy in the least admitting that you have a severe problem you’ve been ignoring. I haven’t even shared with anyone that I can’t get my wedding ring to fit. Surprisingly enough my husband hasn’t really noticed yet, or if he did he didn’t say anything. I am wearing a ring, just not MY ring.
I hurt my foot the other day, a couple days ago… I did that whole thing where your ankle gives out and your foot flips to a side… It hurt and I knew it was sad and pathetic because it was in large part due to excess weight. Then my foot hurt so I didn’t want to walk… compounding all the issues.
Tomorrow is Saturday and while I am encouraged because I am riding the whole I am going to change and this ends now commitment that I have going on, I am also fearful of being home in a house full of horrible things. I mean, just last Sunday while couponing I picked up no less than 50 candy bars for free and 30 theater size boxes of skittles. Disturbing. They sit in my house. Probably should ditch those. They were free. All 100% free.
I think that I might attempt a walk tomorrow. I know there is no way in hell any running will be occurring. Its baby steps. This is the first step tomorrow. Just seeing if I can stomach walking for 15-30 minutes at a nice slow pace. It’s the best I can do. Especially because my stupid foot still hurts a smidge. But I can do this. I honestly did this once before, right where I’m at. I started one day and I just walked. I walked for 15 minutes. Then the next day I walked for another 15 and so on. I am perfectly capable of doing it again. I will do it again. I honestly have no choice.
The choice is to continue hating myself, hiding away from the world avoiding social activities, sending my husband on dog walks by himself out of sheer laziness on my part. This is not how I want to live my life. Embarrassed, buying bigger clothes, looking like a slob, and not being able to wear my ring. No I choose me. Finally after 14 months I choose me. I know its not going to be easy. I know that today I am full of hope and excitement, but there will come a time where I’m depressed and weary at how stalled I become. I know I will become stalled. That is inevitable.
But for today I am just excited that I am not eating McDonalds for lunch and I made better decisions. Today I did something I am proud of and I need to get back to the small victories in life.
True honesty is hard. It’s very hard to be honest with yourself. I ignored it. I didn’t want to tell anyone my ring didn’t fit. I pretended like I was fine and happy, because I tried to convince myself I was. Telling the truth to yourself is just not easy. I could beat myself up for all the wrongs I’ve done, but today instead I choose to be proud of myself for the step forward I am making. In the past 3 years I’ve tackled my money issues one thing at a time, so now its time to focus back on the food and me. Today I am proud for the choices I’ve made and know I am going to make.
In a lot of ways it’s incredibly freeing to be writing my food down again. Yes, I have a long way to go, but I know that now since I’ve made the commitment I will succeed and there is relief in that. Relief that while it may feel crappy right now I know that I WILL feel better again. That I will find myself again. That is worth a million McDonald’s trips.
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