Hello Again, I hope to meet you soon...

At various points in our lives we all need different things. We change and grow and evolve constantly. It seems for me the inevitable is this… I will always have a weight problem. I will always eat out of happiness, sadness, joy, misery, comfort, stress, excitement. Basically, I will always eat. Which leads me to point 2. As long as I will always eat, I will always EVENTUALLY return to weight watchers. Sure, I’ve given it up for FAR too long and the results are painfully evident. I have lost me again. I lost the girl I became. I miss her.

And in coming home to finding myself again, it seems weight loss and blogging go hand in hand for me. Not sure if I’ve ever learned to separate the two. Heaven knows I’ve not learned how to separate many aspects of my life, but I’ve gotten much better.

Do you see the last time I blogged on this site, well that is probably the last time I gave what food I put in my mouth a second thought. I have hated what I’ve been doing to my body for a long time, almost always feeling completely powerless to change it. I am not sure why today suddenly I felt like it was the day. But I did.

I decided today for some odd reason was the day I was walking back into weight watchers. Do you have any idea what 14 months of eating whatever you want will do to you? I unfortunately see the consequences all too drastically. It’s bad. It’s real bad. It’s the worst number I’ve EVER seen in my entire life. Worse than when I first stared weight watchers years ago. You know how you become blind to seeing yourself; I’ve become that ignorant girl in the land of denial.

My life is so different now. I first started weight watchers over 8 years ago. Yes, it’s been that freaking long and how I have changed in eight years. Thank goodness for that. And yet, how much apparently remains the same.

I had every intention of just walking into the meeting hall to buy the new 2012 starter kit. I really didn’t want to join. I just wanted the info. But it seems in order to get the info; you have to be a registered member. I told them I was going to do it online. So in order to buy my starter kit, I said fine, I’ll just join. Stupidly I didn’t realize that this meant getting on a scale. She said, okay; just get up on that scale. My whole body froze for a second. It was one thing for me to buy the information, but quite another to actually see the horrors of what I had done to myself. I haven’t been on a scale in over a year. No joke.

In one sweeping moment my world came tumbling down and I returned to an earth where I had become the statistic. Where I had gained everything and then some. Where I suddenly was painfully aware of why I hate looking in the mirror. Of why I don’t give one shit how I look in the morning or care what horrific clothes I put on. Of why I often times don’t want my husband to touch me. Yes, there was that number in all its glory and it took every ounce of my being to not let me jaw drop to the ground. To not start crying right there in that room. What the hell had I done to myself?

Ah yes, life had happened and I am so utterly disappointed in myself that all I could think of to do was sit down and write. Go back to the beginning. Back to where it all started. Back to where I found my success. So much is different eight years later though. Motivation is different. My body is different. I am going to be 33 years old in 10 days. Gone are the days of a 20 year olds metabolism. Gone are the days where I knew the program like the back of my hand.

Weight Watchers 2012 is entirely new. Sure you count points but to me that is where the similarities end. It appears to me on first glance that we don’t even care about calories. What??? It seems we care about carbs/fat/fiber and protein. All of my pre-canned point values floating in my head are useless. I must reteach myself something entirely new. Essentially starting at square one. Part of this is good news. Part of this is relief because clearly I am not the same person so its time I tried something new. I can’t fake my way thru it. I must really put in the effort. I suspect that would be nice.

But why, oh why Emily did you let yourself get here again? It’s the worst feeling in the world when you realize you have a double chin, your wedding ring doesn’t fit and you’re avoiding social outings because you’re embarrassed.

At least something about today was different. At least something about this morning, May 17, 2012 was different enough for me to drive my car to the meeting location. And as much as I can chastise myself for everything I’ve done to get to this horrific place, at least I made one good decision today. No, make that two. On the way to the meeting I had to stop at the payroll lady’s office and pick up checks, she gave me cookies. She always gives me cookies. Normally I would have demolished the 6 home baked cookies she gave me, God knows I’ve done it often enough. But not today. I told myself no, the first time in a long time I’ve done such a thing. I went to get my ww stuff and then afterwards instead of heading to McDonalds for lunch, fueled by the truth of the scale, I went to Subway. I ordered a 6” ham on wheat, and actually put twice as many veggies as I normally would on it. I got apple slices and my diet pop and walked out.

Two choices today that I can be proud of. Honestly I’m quite tired of feeling so tired all the time. Of feeling sick and lazy and lacking energy or the ability to walk. Who the fuck is this girl? I don’t want to be her for another day. And today, thank god, I made a choice to do it differently.

I honestly had no intention of going to meetings, but after seeing that number on the scale, as my world crashed down around me, I decided that I think I have to. I decided that apparently I do need those stupid meetings, or weigh-ins if nothing else. So I guess in some weird way the universe knew better than me.

Can I just say to myself, I am so sorry for what I’ve done to you and I promise that I’m going to fix it. I’m going to fix this mistake and find you again.