SOOOO Off....

I am not going to lie; I have been so off the last two weeks it’s not even funny. I know there is something off with my mood. I feel it to my core. I am just unbalanced, in a completely biological way. It is chemically something that is off on my insides. I’ve been all over the place and part of that is my desire to not post anything. I can tell I’m off when this occurs. I am finding very little joy in things that typically and readily bring me joy. I believe that is the definition of depression. I am muddling thru but it hasn’t been utterly pretty.

It’s also funny to note that my image in the mirror as of late has caused me great distress. Also another sign that things are off in the brain, aside from the mirror bothering me, I cannot control a single thing in my life and it’s causing really negative thoughts. Of course, this is all the doing of depression I am certain. I just keep waiting for my spark to return. Thus far, it’s not going so well. To be honest I don’t really know what caused the shift. Perhaps nothing. That is the thing about depression sometimes it appears for no good reason without any real cause.

I honestly find myself wanting to pull away from all the people and things in my life that I love. And I want to sit in my dark house watching TV and eating. Eating everything and anything to fill the void that I am for some reason feeling. Of course I’ve eaten far too much and of course it does not make me feel any better. As is typical of what I already know, in the end it makes things much worse, because aside from feeling off kilter about everything and anything now I worry about not being able to stop eating and somehow waking up being 200 plus pounds.

As much as I know I shouldn’t and as much as I’ve learned over the past year and a half, I can’t shake the constant feeling of being at war with myself. These feelings suck! I thought I’d gotten past this or learned how to cope better. Clearly not. I mean, all is not lost in my world. I am still trying. I mean, you are never really lost until you utterly give up. I keep trying, and even if I keep failing, at least I keep trying. Also, it should be noted that on July 4, I ran my 14^th half marathon of the year. It was 2 hours 20 some minutes, I don’t even really know. It was a MUCH better run than the one before it where I was WAY off. So that was nice. I mean, I don’t hate running. I still at least have that much. I guess looking at the calendar that was only 5 days ago, so it’s not like I’ve completely given up on life or myself. Also I should note that Monday night I went to the gym and did 1.5 hours of class and then last night I actually came home after work and ran on my own treadmill for an hour. This is something I have not done in AGES. Probably almost a year. Wait, I ran on New Year’s. That was the last time I ran at home I do believe. Anyhow, this is good that I ran. This is also somewhat scary because I find myself not wanting to go to the gym, as I’m pulling away from social settings.

I try to rationalize when I was at the gym Monday night it was fucking roasting in there. It’s like they didn’t have AC or some shit and it was really hot. At least my house is a perfectly cool air conditioned temperature and I didn’t relish the idea of running on a treadmill in a confined air space. This is really what prompted me to go home last night and run. That and I wanted to try out the watching TV on the treadmill while I ran concept. I used to do that like every night. It was nice. Mixing things up is good every now and then.

Plus, tonight, I reluctantly go to the gym again for personal training and then an hour of class. But if I’m being honest my heart is not in it, it hasn’t been in it for a long time. Thus the depression talking I am guessing. I really hate not feeling like me. I feel a profound sadness that doesn’t want to leave me. There is honestly no good reason for it. Other than I have a high history of mental issues in my family and clearly am not immune to occasional bouts of depression. That is the reason. I am doing my best to work thru it. And not binge eat.

I am not going to lie I have been completely unsuccessful at curbing the eating for months, but it has gotten steadily worse and worse which is probably triggering part of the depression. I wake up in cold sweats panicked that I won’t be able to stop and that I am going to wake up and realize that I am right back to a horrific place on the scale.

I think it’s like I finally realized that my fitness level is not where it once was and my appearance is not what I want it to be. I cannot lie to myself anymore. This depresses me.  I suppose I have two options, to let it consume me and continue to depress the fuck out of me, or do something about it right now while it’s still quite manageable. While I am still able to actually run and enjoy running my half marathons.  I am scared of getting to a point where I can’t. Of course, like I said, I just did one 5 days ago so thus far I suppose it’s still possible for me.

No one ever said life was going to be complete smooth sailing. I know this. All the more reason to embrace and enjoy the days when you are happy. I long to get to that point again. I know it’s in my grasp if I can just find my spark that has been missing. I can do this. I should be able to do this. I hate beating myself up mentally. It is the worst.  And honestly I haven’t done it in a long time and forgotten how horrible it feels. Perhaps this is my body reminding me that it’s a shit place to live in and therefore it’s time to quit the bitching and fix it before it spirals too far out of control. 

FOOD is not the answer. It never has been. I am eating to fill some depressive void. I honestly think it’s some unrealistic expectations that I and the gym world placed on me. I’ve spiraled out of control more and more and therefore I have backlashed because I am not living up to my own crazy expectations. I think it’s so unfair to do to myself and I need to stop. It is right now at a point of get my shit in gear because it is starting to affect how I’m living my life and the things I am doing.

I am starting to retreat from the world and want to hide. It’s insane. But I’ve never been all that sane anyway. I never professed to be anything but a food addict. That crap never goes away. You have periods of control followed by moments when you just can’t get it in control. Now is the time to get it back into some sort of rational control. I promise you the rate I am going at I would be 200 plus pounds by Christmas.  I am better than that. I have learned more than that. I love running and being active more than that. I love myself more than that.

I’m going to fix this somehow. We all struggle, every single one of us. There is never and will never be a magic potion to take it all away. It is a fight every single day. Some days it’s just more silent than others. Just breathe right. Just freaking breathe. One day at a time.

Oh, here’s my 4^th of July run stuff. I mean, I might have officially conquered my original goal of running 14 in 2014, and yet somehow that just isn’t good enough for me. Can you say crazy much?