Mind reset

I am feeling a little bit better day by day. Perhaps this has something to do with the small amount of control I seem to be exercising over my eating. Mind you, nothing is perfect, but I haven’t binged all week and that for me is a victory. It’s amazing for me how much that plays a role into my mental well-being. It’s hard to be nice to yourself when you are constantly beating yourself up.  Also there is a small little shift on my insides where I feel a little bit better as a whole and I think that is giving me of a desire to live my life. Absolutely no one promised you a life without ups and downs.  Mine has plenty.

Although I was blaming the image I saw in the mirror or hating on myself, the reality is that it all stems from the brain. When I can get some of the brain under control I am not as hateful when I look in the mirror. I am certainly not happy, but that is because I do indeed constantly put too much pressure on myself to be something more than I am. I really should just be happy with everything I’ve accomplished in my life and accept that rough patches will come and go.

I can tell you this, when I eat better, I feel better and when I feel better I have more motivation and with more motivation, is a stronger sense of being. It’s a whole reciprocal cycle. I promise you I feel better today, this Wednesday than I did last Wednesday, so that is a bonus. Last Wednesday I wanted to quit life and honestly for the first time ever considered cancelling my personal training session and going home to eat. Today I feel much more energized and ready to tackle a tough workout. In fact, there is a slight little part of me that is excited and looking forward to it. This is the girl I know and love, this is the girl I love being. The one full of drive and enthusiasm for life and goals. And mostly, the belief that I can do anything I put my mind to.

I like being the girl who can go, you know what, so I’m not happy with what I see in the mirror, okay, but I can change that. I like actually believing with all of my conviction that I can change that. Set my mind to something and follow thru. That girl has been missing for quite some time. This last week I’ve seen the ever so slightest glimpses of her. I may not be satisfied yet, but if I keep working hard, I can be. That is the girl I know lives inside of me.  I sort of have this date in my head that I want to keep. It’s October 5.  October 5 is a big deal for me for a couple reasons.

October 5 will be my first ever two year anniversary of losing weight and keeping with it. I have never EVER had a 2 year anniversary. This unto itself is progress. I would kind of like to be at a better place mentally and physical for that one. And also, because October 5 I will also happen to be in San Jose to run the Rock N roll marathon. I’d like to get on the plane feeling a little more confident in my own skin. It would truly be nice to celebrate my 2 year anniversary being closer to my ideal goal weight. I’d feel better about it things. And honestly, I have enough time to make that a reality. I’m not so far gone that its nothing that a good 10-15 pounds wouldn’t take care of.  I know I’ve said this a lot lately, that I just need to lose 10-15 pounds, but clearly I haven’t been able to actually make it happen.  I actually think having that October 5 date in the back of my mind is probably a good push for me, that I probably need. I work better with deadlines and firm goals/targets. Always have.

I would just like to point out that I am human. I am not any super woman who doesn’t struggle or go up and down. This is the unpleasant reality of weight loss and maintenance and living a life. People gain 15 pounds, in theory, people work to lose the 15 pounds. People have shitty crappy days, weeks, months, people pull it back together. I am STILL HERE.  It’s getting close to 2 years, and I am still here writing on this blog and that is the biggest accomplishment I can think of for me. I am still trying and keeping on with this lifestyle. And oh yeah, this year I’ve ran 15 half marathons so far. Already. I tend to overlook the crazy that this statement entails.  You can say all you want about gaining and losing weight or straying or lack of motivation or whatever the hell else you want, but I’m still standing and I just ran my 15^th freaking half marathon of the year.

This weekend is all about rest and relaxation. I am actually going camping on Friday. It’s my extended families annual camping trip. My mom has 7 brothers and sisters and they each have a bunch of kids, so I have a ton of first cousins, well we all get together and do a camping trip every year. It should be just a relaxing kick back, enjoy being outside kind of 3 days. I am taking my bike and going to attempt to do some bike riding. It should be good. Lots of fun.  So long as I can avoid major binges, which I am not going to lie, is going to be VERY hard. Love my family, but healthy eating has never been their strong suit. It is always a battle with them. ALWAYS. I mean it’s not their fault I have very little willpower, that is entirely my doing, but it’s still hard having so many horrific options right in front of me. I am going to try, that is all I can hope for. Do my best, and try.

Like I mentioned earlier, tonight is personal training and then Iron Power strength training. I’m kind of excited for it honestly. I have a strong suspicion tonight is going to be leg day which terrifies me.  But I will manage. I somehow always do.

Oh, and I wanted to share this photo with you that someone else posted from this Sunday’s run, because do you see this hill? Yeah, just one of many that we were running against. I will probably keep posting them if I keep finding them, because I cannot even tell you how crazy hilly this race was and I keep searching for the photographic evidence to confirm it.