Geesh

It’s Wednesday already… geesh… I say geesh because today I am just not feeling it. I mean, last night by the time 5 rolled around I was just exhausted and had like zero desire to go to the gym at all. I went. I did like jack shit and had a slight moment of mirror panic. Do you know how some days you can look in the mirror and feel great and happy with what you see and then out of nowhere for no apparent relevant reason suddenly the image in the mirror is hideous and freaks you out? Yup, last night I felt FAT. It’s funny because fat is not a feeling is it? Clearly something else was actually going on but alas, as I stood there staring at my reflection in the mirror I was dissatisfied. That is a horrific feeling honestly, especially when I know better than to beat myself up. Especially because in the back of my head I know that I have zero business being dissatisfied with this body in the mirror because she is like a thousand times better than the girl from 2 years ago. Doesn’t matter, yesterday my brain was messed up and therefore I just couldn’t do it. I faked about 45 minutes of a workout and just went home. I was okay with this because it has been so many days in a row of exercise and I tried to justify that this must be the cause of what is going on in my head.

I got home and I just didn’t want to do anything last night. So I basically didn’t. This does tend to lead to me eating too much as a result. I tried to keep it in an acceptable range which I do believe for the most part I did. But that leads me into today. I am not looking forward to the gym. But it doesn’t really matter because I do have personal training tonight and that will kick my ass no matter what I’m feeling or not. Mostly I am fearful that it is going to be leg day. I’m pretty sure it will be and this honestly terrifies me. My legs are still generally sore from the weekend and I have more running this weekend to do. And did I mention that I am just in a funky place mentally? Ugh. I am sure I actually will feel better after I get a good workout in, and I am sure suddenly it will all feel good, but right now sitting in my office that seems like the farthest thing from my mind.

Tomorrow morning I am going to weigh myself but honestly I am not really that excited at all. I know I didn’t lose weight despite working really hard this week which is probably what is so obnoxious to me. Whatever. This is about the overall being healthier, feeling healthier and I am working on that. Have to take it back to the reasons why I did this all to begin with which was for quality of life, not a stupid number on a scale. The scale could say whatever the hell it’s going to, but its much more about what is going on with the inside of me than anything.

I have been a major procrastinator lately which is not good. Of course I do that pretty much all the time anyway, at work with stuff that would just be much more simple to take care of and then I put it off to the point where it actually becomes an issue instead of just doing it when it would be easy and not an issue. Why do we do that to ourselves? Some things I take care of no problems at all and then some stupid things just drag. I do the same thing in my personal life as well. My IUD expired this month. Turns out it was actually today. I have known it was going to expire for months. Not like I don’t know when 5 years has passed. I needed to call and make an appointment to get it taken out and a new one put in, but I just procrastinate because honestly I hate going to the doctor and making appointments and doing shit like that. Whatever. I called today, and finally got an appointment for August 14. So that’s a good thing. One less thing to worry about I guess.  I suppose I still have to worry about actually going and getting it done, but at least I called and made the appointment. That’s stupidly a big step for me. It shouldn’t be that hard, but sometimes it just is.

I have decided that its getting close to time to getting a new puppy. I love my Molly dog so much and I think it might be time to add a companion for her. I’m not rushing.  I am pretty particular. I want a Puggle or a pug mix of some sort. Not a pure bred pug, but a pug and something else, I want a puppy, and I want a female and she needs to be black. So yes, very specific. I am of course willing to pay for her, but the criteria must be met. Turns out it’s a lot harder to find this specific combination than I thought. This is why it might take a while to find her. But I believe when the time is right the universe will bring her to me. I’m just going to keep looking for her and eventually it will happen.  I think we are getting ready for the commitment of a new puppy and honestly I have so much more love to give that it seems a shame to not get one more doggie. I won’t ever have more than 2 doggies at a time, but I think we could do two.

I have been entering my food all week into my fitness pal online. So far so good, and I actually like it, so maybe that is going to be a trend, but we will see.  Honestly, I really have done pretty well this week with everything and I honestly don’t  know how much more I could honestly do, so whatever happens is just going to happen.