The giant uphill battle

As per my last post I know mentally I’ve been struggling this month. It’s funny how sometimes, for no good reason, you just find yourself in a lull. I know this happens to most people and is unfortunately a reality sometimes. I’ve been trying to push thru and feel better. I think that is why in July I haven’t really posted. Pretty much all month I have been struggling but at least the past couple days I am feeling a little better.

This is what I know. It is so easy to want to quit and just give up when you are struggling. It seems so much easier to run away and hide from the world. This is how I have always coped with negativity. What’s interesting is that even when there is nothing utterly negative we can still suffer from those mood swings. I cannot express how much I did not want to go to the gym or exercise for the past two weeks. I pretty much made myself go and I’m glad that I did. Right now, this morning is pretty much the first time in 2 weeks where I feel excited and looking forward to going to the gym tonight. This is a good sign for me.

In the scheme of life I accept that there are simply going to be times where you are off and don’t feel like it. It is in these downward spirals where we really see what we are made of. I feel like yesterday I shook out the mental cobwebs in my brain and proved to myself all that I really have changed and grown over the past year or so. I was signed up to run a half marathon yesterday. Not just any half marathon, but what was actually deemed as one of the hardest courses. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew it was going to be hilly beyond hilly and it was also predicted to be hot. If you couple all of this with my shit mood and my shit self-esteem I literally spent the entire week last week arguing with myself about doing this half marathon.

I let fear and self-doubt creep their horrific way into my brain. I had moments where I said, ah, just go do it, and then mostly the line of thinking was so what if you miss one half marathon. What will that hurt? And this is going to be a brutal one. Torture honestly. Who wants to get up to run up crazy hills for hours in the extensive heat? After my 4^th of July run where it was too hot and I felt like passing out afterwards I was really not looking forward to any of this.  I kept telling myself that I don’t have anything to prove to anyone. That I didn’t need to do this. You have no idea how much I was trying to convince myself it was okay to bail on it.  It is funny that no matter how many times we prove to ourselves that we are stronger than we think, we have such profound moments of self-doubt.

In the end, I woke up Sunday morning and got dressed, and we got in the car and drove to the race. FEAR. It was truly fear that was driving me. I realized this after the fact, that ultimately it was truly fear that was driving me. I was terrified that I could not do this. When we started the race the announcer was like, the first few miles are all uphill, please be safe and have fun… blah, blah, blah.  We started out and seriously the within the first quarter mile we were running straight up hill. I was trying to “run” but honestly it’s near impossible to run uphill. I was out of breath and surprised that after only a quarter mile I could not for the life of me run anymore. The start of the race was hot. It was only like 7 AM or so and yet it was ridiculously hot already. I was terrified. I adopted the strategy of digging my heals in and walking up the hills and then running every possible stretch that I could. This meant any slightly flat part and especially any downhill part. I ran.

I should point out this race was a wine country run, and ¾ of it was off the beaten path running thru vineyards. Yup, thru dusty clay and dirt grounds, literally in between rows of grapes. It was dirt and gravel roads for a good chunk of it. This was hands down the single hardest course I have ever run/walked in my life. After a brutal first 3 miles I was convinced that I could not call this a run, but rather a hike. I promise you 3.1 miles of this adventure would have been more than enough for most mortal humans. I ran Seattle and I ran San Francisco but none of it came close to the hills that this course presented. It was like they knew it was going to be damn hard and they embraced that sentiment. With all that said, it was beautiful and breathtaking, standing at the top of some vineyards. But I knew it was going to be a ridiculously long journey. I had to break down the course into sections. I knew that 1/3 of a half marathon is about 4.36 miles. I was close to this at about 1 hour. Yup, I was only going approximately 4.36 miles an hour, but on this course I was beyond comfortable with that. I could calculate that it was going to take me close to 3 hours to finish this course. BRUTAL. It was hot; I was literally dripped sweat as I hiked up hill after hill in shaky gravel and dirt roads.

But I kept going. And in the simple act of keeping on, I felt good about what I was accomplishing. Run when possible; walk when I had no other choice. It all didn’t matter that much, because I was here. That was the victory unto itself. As hard as it was, I was still here doing this. Mile after mile passed in this horrific fashion. HILL, GIANT HILL, small hill, hill, hill, hill.  We passed the mile 6 mark and we went thru this little park, and upon existing the park, somewhere around mile 6.5, we turned onto an actual paved road and suddenly I could actually freely run for the first time on this course.  And it was like my world suddenly changed. I was heading into a gorgeous tree lined view. It was absolutely breath taking. And then a funny thing happened, the weather completely shifted. The sun went away and instead clouds presented themselves and it felt like amazing running temperature. And I was running and feeling alive and great.

It was wonderful and life affirming and of course made me feel proud all at once.  Then I had one of the single coolest experiences while running happen. At about mile 8, those clouds gave way to thunder and lightning. I heard it first. The giant crackle and we all looked up into the sky. It was absolutely Mother Nature at its finest. For approximately 30-45 minutes we were greeted to the coolest experience ever. Running in this gorgeous breath taking scenery with a show being put on for in the sky. All the runners around me literally pulled their headphones out of their ears and just listened and talked to one another while running. It was magnificent. One of those moments that I will never forget.  It was epic. Beyond epic really. And I smiled. A true, genuine smile, because it was just so cool. And I almost missed this entire experience because of fear. After the thunderstorms seemed to have passed, it started raining. And it was refreshing and beautiful as well. It rained for no more than 10 minutes and then it stopped and I felt renewed. Mile 10 ticked away, Mile 11 passed, and then I came to mile 12. So close. And then I turned a corner and at Mile 12, was one more GIANT hill up another vineyard. Wham. The running was done. And I walked that last ¾ a mile up that hill. And then it leveled out for a quarter mile to the finish line. I sprinted across that finish line and had the most amazing feeling of satisfaction ever.

This was the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life. This was challenging for anyone. This was HARD. This was not for the faint of heart. And I just finished it.  It was my worst half marathon time ever, but somehow one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. It was so hard and brutal and I didn’t quit. I didn’t give up. I finished. And I almost didn’t even start, and yet here I was basking in the reality that I did it. And instantly I knew it was fear that was driving me all week, trying to convince myself that it was okay to quit. It was all fear.

But guess what, I didn’t let fear control me. In the end, I conquered my own fear. I survived and oddly I felt more satisfied at the end of this race than most. I was just so freaking proud of my accomplishment. There was nothing easy about that at all. But I did it. I have a lifetime of knowing that I did it. I did not let fear control me or get the better of me. I know in my heart I would have regretted it forever if I bailed on that race because I was scared of how hard it was.  I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to.

And somehow I was reenergized. In that one very tough act of simply finishing this brutal course, I felt a new fresh energy.  Sometimes this is what life really is all about.  Those random experiences that define and shape you. It wasn’t fast or pretty, but instead so rewarding.

I am not 100% out of the clear by any means, I know my brain isn’t completely right, but it feels a little more stable. Just one day at a time. 

And finally, I found some of these images on their website that other people took, not my photos, but it slightly shows you the ups and downs that we faced on the course. What goes up, must come down and what goes down, always comes up. It was CRAZY!!!!