It's a Monday

My camping weekend adventure was good, but I have to say I am VERY glad to be home and back to a normal routine. Of course this morning there was literally zero part of me that wanted to get up and go to work. It’s like that dread for no reason feeling when you miss a day of work and you have no idea if you are going to be walking into a big mess as a consequence. I was pretty much dreading it but it turned out okay. So far so good.

Last Thursday night I did end up doing a personal training session with the other girl. We fried out the chest and a few upper body areas and consequently all weekend, as requested, I was walking around sore. It was oddly rewarding to actually feel stiff and sore. Of course that didn’t mean that I was any more likely to want to exercise over the weekend. I did not do any deliberate exercise from Friday to Sunday. I say deliberate because we were outside in the sun and did lots of walking and even managed a nice hike one day. This is all what I consider normal wear and tear on the body. I love the outdoors and enjoying nature etc., but at the end of the day I really do want to go home to my nice clean dirt free house and shower and go to bed in a comfy clean bed. Camping is not entirely my thing. I had a great time and my extended family is pretty damned awesome overall. I lucked out on the family front. I have always known that. I adore so many of my cousins and genuinely adore spending time with them. That part was great. Feeling disgusting 24/7 for 3 days straight, not so much fun. But the memories far outweigh the negative and I will treasure those experiences for a lifetime.  Ah, Cards Against Humanity, late night by lantern with your cousins. Priceless. Did I mention alcohol? Yup, everything is more fun with alcohol.

But I am glad to be back at it today. Back to my normal routine where I can control my food/exercise a little better. Overall, I did not do awful with food intake. I didn’t do great either, but not awful. I’d say I made some smart decisions and a few stupid ones but overall I’m pleased with things. It’s a balance. I am ready to go back to the gym tonight though and hit it hard. I have 1.5 hours of classes I am intending on doing tonight. Half an hour of butts and guts and then an hour of Iron Power. It’s a nice, thinkless workout because I just do what they tell me to and I don’t have to try and come up with my own routine. Monday nights are good like that, especially since my brain isn’t fully recuperated from the weekend and probably would not want to work out on its own otherwise.

I was pretty busy this morning at work, given I took Friday off and all, and am now finally starting to feel caught up, thus a few minutes of time to be able to steal away and write this. So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about effort and desire and goals. This month has been pretty rough on me in terms of my mental desire and I have been starting to question what is up. I think a lot of it is self-imposed pressure, but also basically I am stuck at a stagnate stand still. I am just not putting out the effort I once was and pop in and out of brilliant moments of gusto where I think I am going to do this and then moments of who the hell cares. Overall I am just barely doing enough to maintain and eventually the stagnate movement or rather lack of any sort of movement makes you feel unaccomplished or dissatisfied.  Of course I think this is called maintaining and one should not mistake maintenance for dissatisfaction. One should always find satisfaction in simply being able to maintain especially if you are honestly not putting out any sincere effort. But therein lies the problem, I really should be making more of an effort. But I like food. I have said it before; I truly am a food addict. Any extremely over weight person I believe is partly addicted to food. Addicted to the comfort of it all. Addicted to some aspect of it or else we wouldn’t use it and abuse it the way we do. It’s easy for food to become the go-to for all things. It is such a dangerously overused form of self-soothing. For good or bad. I use it out of happiness just as much as I do depression.

But…. I’ve just got to keep trying which is all I really can do. Nothing worth having has ever come easy. And I more than anyone know that this whole weight loss/weight maintenance thing is a FOREVER HARD crazy DIFFICULT battle. It requires making a choice every single day over and over again to stay on the right path. Some days I fail miserably at it, but I don’t ever really fail until I quit trying. I’ve got like a little over 10 weeks until October when I go to San Jose and I really should focus on making those 10 weeks the best they can be. Let’s face it; the time is going to go by anyway, so I may as well work on kicking some ass in that time frame. That’s enough time to really commit myself and make some noticeable changes. In the end, I am tired of the scale being stagnate at a number I’m not really thrilled about. Yes, it’s great that I am maintaining but it’s not at a number I’m particularly happy at. And therefore only I can really make this change.

I sound like such a pitiful broken record. But the record plays on, as so long as it plays I have not lost. There is still a little bit of juice running thru the record player.  So for today, I commit to my 1.5 hours of class and I commit to eating no more than 1,500 calories. I am not sure this will result in weight loss, but somewhere between 1,200 and 1,500 calories is my goal. This is a sustainable amount of nutrition for me. I will not go over the 1,500 calorie mark. That’s as much as I can commit to today.