Geesh

It’s Wednesday already… geesh… I say geesh because today I am just not feeling it. I mean, last night by the time 5 rolled around I was just exhausted and had like zero desire to go to the gym at all. I went. I did like jack shit and had a slight moment of mirror panic. Do you know how some days you can look in the mirror and feel great and happy with what you see and then out of nowhere for no apparent relevant reason suddenly the image in the mirror is hideous and freaks you out? Yup, last night I felt FAT. It’s funny because fat is not a feeling is it? Clearly something else was actually going on but alas, as I stood there staring at my reflection in the mirror I was dissatisfied. That is a horrific feeling honestly, especially when I know better than to beat myself up. Especially because in the back of my head I know that I have zero business being dissatisfied with this body in the mirror because she is like a thousand times better than the girl from 2 years ago. Doesn’t matter, yesterday my brain was messed up and therefore I just couldn’t do it. I faked about 45 minutes of a workout and just went home. I was okay with this because it has been so many days in a row of exercise and I tried to justify that this must be the cause of what is going on in my head.

I got home and I just didn’t want to do anything last night. So I basically didn’t. This does tend to lead to me eating too much as a result. I tried to keep it in an acceptable range which I do believe for the most part I did. But that leads me into today. I am not looking forward to the gym. But it doesn’t really matter because I do have personal training tonight and that will kick my ass no matter what I’m feeling or not. Mostly I am fearful that it is going to be leg day. I’m pretty sure it will be and this honestly terrifies me. My legs are still generally sore from the weekend and I have more running this weekend to do. And did I mention that I am just in a funky place mentally? Ugh. I am sure I actually will feel better after I get a good workout in, and I am sure suddenly it will all feel good, but right now sitting in my office that seems like the farthest thing from my mind.

Tomorrow morning I am going to weigh myself but honestly I am not really that excited at all. I know I didn’t lose weight despite working really hard this week which is probably what is so obnoxious to me. Whatever. This is about the overall being healthier, feeling healthier and I am working on that. Have to take it back to the reasons why I did this all to begin with which was for quality of life, not a stupid number on a scale. The scale could say whatever the hell it’s going to, but its much more about what is going on with the inside of me than anything.

I have been a major procrastinator lately which is not good. Of course I do that pretty much all the time anyway, at work with stuff that would just be much more simple to take care of and then I put it off to the point where it actually becomes an issue instead of just doing it when it would be easy and not an issue. Why do we do that to ourselves? Some things I take care of no problems at all and then some stupid things just drag. I do the same thing in my personal life as well. My IUD expired this month. Turns out it was actually today. I have known it was going to expire for months. Not like I don’t know when 5 years has passed. I needed to call and make an appointment to get it taken out and a new one put in, but I just procrastinate because honestly I hate going to the doctor and making appointments and doing shit like that. Whatever. I called today, and finally got an appointment for August 14. So that’s a good thing. One less thing to worry about I guess.  I suppose I still have to worry about actually going and getting it done, but at least I called and made the appointment. That’s stupidly a big step for me. It shouldn’t be that hard, but sometimes it just is.

I have decided that its getting close to time to getting a new puppy. I love my Molly dog so much and I think it might be time to add a companion for her. I’m not rushing.  I am pretty particular. I want a Puggle or a pug mix of some sort. Not a pure bred pug, but a pug and something else, I want a puppy, and I want a female and she needs to be black. So yes, very specific. I am of course willing to pay for her, but the criteria must be met. Turns out it’s a lot harder to find this specific combination than I thought. This is why it might take a while to find her. But I believe when the time is right the universe will bring her to me. I’m just going to keep looking for her and eventually it will happen.  I think we are getting ready for the commitment of a new puppy and honestly I have so much more love to give that it seems a shame to not get one more doggie. I won’t ever have more than 2 doggies at a time, but I think we could do two.

I have been entering my food all week into my fitness pal online. So far so good, and I actually like it, so maybe that is going to be a trend, but we will see.  Honestly, I really have done pretty well this week with everything and I honestly don’t  know how much more I could honestly do, so whatever happens is just going to happen.

Weekend Perfection

I had what I would consider close to a perfect weekend. The rare meeting of activity, good company, and awesome adventures. Weekends like this last are a good reminder of why life is so good and ultimately it is so important to hang on to the things that keep you going.

Friday night I did end up going to the gym and meeting mom there for what I consider a lighter workout. It wasn’t crazy insane, but it was still work. It was, what I consider good enough, especially after 4 killer days of work at the gym.  Chris had the weekend off and we did not have any major plans for Saturday. I woke up and was lying in bed about 8 AM trying to decide what would be the best course of action for us for the day. We could piddle around the house and around town doing random errands, but honestly I was scared about my ability to not overeat if I wasn’t engaged in some activity. I didn’t really want to go to the gym because I had the previous 5 days plus I was running a half on Sunday morning.  Mom had mentioned that she was going to go hiking at Multnomah Falls with my sister and brother in law. As I lied there in bed it occurred to me that this would be a fun activity. The thing is, hiking before a half marathon probably not advisable but because of who I was going with I figured it wouldn’t be that difficult or long of a trek. Probably just a couple miler which wouldn’t kill us. So I texted mom from bed asking her what time they were leaving. 11 AM. Perfect. We were on board.

The thing is, it turned out to be absolutely awesome. We traveled to the falls with my sister, brother in law and my mom. Packed a few healthy snacks and away we went. Like so many hikes there are multiple directions and ways one can go. We started out with the most obvious choice which was a lovely fairly uphill climb to the top; this was about a 1.25 mile hike straight up. No problems, lots of fun. We were then faced with the option to turn around and go back down the hill or explore the other way. I was feeling full of energy and honestly after an hour, wasn’t really ready to be done. I pressed for the unknown option. Of course, sometimes the unknown option can be scary :)

Chris and I were 100% capable and able to complete the route that we had chosen. My other family members perhaps were not physically prepared for what lie ahead. We went slow, but perhaps we were not prepared enough on the water front. The hike just kept going up and and up and up and up. I loved it. We were hiking thru some really gorgeous terrain and I was happy to be there with all these people that I love doing something healthy and fun, enjoying the out of doors. I was probably smiling most of the time because it was really awesome. But it was long. The farther you go “in” the farther you will eventually have to go “out”.  At the end of the day we were hiking in the woods for 4 ½ hours. Yup, 4.5 hours of hills up and down. Physically I could handle it but at some point I realized that this probably would affect my half marathon on Sunday morning. Probably not wise to spend 4.5 hours hiking using your leg muscles up and down the day before you plan on running 13.1 miles. But I’ve never been the brightest, right?

So we finally finished and returned to civilization and at this point we were all starving. We didn’t really realize we’d be on a 4.5 hour hike and thus didn’t plan that great. Of course I insisted that if we were going out to dinner hit had to be Italian because I needed pasta pre half marathon. We ended up at the Old Spaghetti factory where I ordered a giant plate of good old traditional meat sauced spaghetti. And of course bread. I love bread.

Between everything I ate I ended the day around 1800 calories which I don’t think is too bad considering the extra 4.5 hours of hiking that I did. I am sure my body needed the food. Of course by the time we got home at like 8:30 I was exhausted and ready for bed and not looking forward to the 5 AM alarm to get up, and go run 13.1 miles.

These words were never truer then at 5 AM when the phone sounded obnoxiously telling me it was time to get up. I had a few moments of fuck no, I’m not getting up, screw this shit. I literally fought with myself for 15 minutes to get up. I’d like to say the inner dialogue ceased once I was up and dressed, but it didn’t. I was tired and unsure of why I was further torturing myself. Despite being fully dressed I asked Chris if he really wanted to do this. That we could just go back to bed right now. He was tired and grumpy and his stomach didn’t feel well and honestly all it would have taken was one word from him and I would have bailed on this. That’s how much my morning brain doesn’t want to function. But he said he couldn’t go back to sleep at this point so we just loaded up and headed to the race.

I was scared. It has been 2 weeks since I have ran at all. Like even for 5 minutes. I tend to do that, freak myself out when I don’t run and second guess my ability to run period. I mean I’ve been kicking ass the last two weeks doing other things, but I have not ran. In the grand scheme of things this probably isn’t the best. I should probably make myself run at least once a week.

We got to the event and somehow my nerves calmed as I was walking around with all the other racers/runners. I do love this environment more than anything else. It is my happy place. But I was still scared. We were waiting in the line for the porta-potty. Those lines are always stupid long. As soon as we exited we heard the horn sound for the start of the race. Ooops. It’s really okay because you can pretty much start whenever and you are fine because your time isn’t activated until you cross the matt. We took a few minutes and then began our run.

I instantly knew this was going to be harder than I wanted. That 4.5 hour hike the day before, the lack of running for 2 weeks, my piss poor attitude. Much harder than I wanted for sure, but I ran. The first couple miles felt like torture, as the first couple miles are always the worst. Once you pass a certain point your brain becomes more accepting of its fate, but it fights you every one of those first steps. Chris was really not feeling well, and knew he was having some digestive issues. He ended up sticking by me and we would walk up the hills, my body had no more tolerance for hills after yesterday, and then we’d run the in between stuff. It was not my best run by a long shot, but I still ran. It clearly identified some weaknesses or complacency that is occurring in me. I don’t have a lot of desire to push myself that hard these days. I need to work on that.  But in the end, I ran more than I didn’t, and I finished, which was kind of the goal. Of course I realized that after having hiked for 4.5 hours, running for 2.5 hours early the next morning is kind of stupid. I felt sore in some weird places after running. The upper part of my ass is tight. Not the lower part, not the same muscles from squatting, but weird upper butt muscles, most likely from hiking and then running. And also, one leg, my left leg has some shin splints. This is from the downward motion of hiking hills.  You use your front legs for balance descending mountains.

Today my ass and shin are tight, but that is the price to be paid for all the activity I endured. Once I finished I was actually proud because this race was one that I had to pretty much force myself to do, but I did it. There was nothing special or fancy about it. Nothing to write home about, other than I accomplished it, I am staying true to my word and my goals and Number 16 half marathon is done. My bigger goal was to not pig out on food after running. I was hungry clearly, 2.5 hours of running is hard. But I made good decisions. Yesterday, I ended the day right around 2000 calories. Yup, more calories than I would like, but also clearly a compensation for the extreme physical activity I endured.

I am going to call this a big win because between Saturday and Sunday I consumed approximately 3800 calories. BUT, I burned approximately 3000 calories with physical activity. I was approximating 1,500 calories each day. I typically burn 1,500 calories when running a half marathon, this is my normal. 4.5 hours of hiking hills, estimated by those tracking things was over 1,500 calories, but I just figured it was really only about that level of effort. Your body bare minimum needs at least 1,200 calories a day. So really this means I only consumed in theory an extra 1,400 calories, while burning 3,000. It’s not perfect math, and I still strive to do better. I mean I wish I could have kept the calorie intake closer to 1,600-1,700 each day, but baby steps. I am fairly certain every previous half marathon thus far I have consumed closer to 3,000-4,000 calories so it’s a definite improvement. Clearly my body was put thru some vigorous exercise and needed the nutrition as a result.

I spend the rest of my Sunday afternoon on the couch with my husband watching HGTV while he slept. This is pretty much one of my favorite activities. Hanging out with Chris and my dog Molly on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Overall I had such a great weekend. One of my favorite as of recently. Reminds me how thankful I am for my health and overall fitness. I may take for granted where I am at, or get down on myself because I am a mental basket case at points, but are you kidding me, really? I can hike with ease for 4.5 hours up hills and then wake up 12 hours later and go run 13.1 miles. That’s a fitness that I could have only dreamed of. I will take it and be proud.

Today I am back at the gym, tonight is a ½ hour butts and guts class which I am not sure if I am going to do, because as the name indicates it is focused on the butt which happens to be really tender at the moment. But we will see. I am for sure doing my hour long Iron Power class tonight though at 6 PM.  Good times.  I really had not actually intended to exercise on Saturday so the extra 4.5 hour hike kind of threw off my rest day plan. Which means, I am going to go day after day with exercising. Oops.

I also have this strange feeling that despite all of these lovely in caloric range days and extra exercise that I am not going to actually lose any weight this week on the scale. Call it intuition or just a gut feeling but I kind of know my body at this point and I think its holding fast to this weight. I am okay with this, because I know the effort I’m putting out, BUT, we will just see. I think it might hold onto the weight for a few weeks and then suddenly, out of nowhere, one week it will just be down like 3 or 4 pounds. Just my prediction. But I haven’t weighed myself honestly, so I won’t know until Thursday morning I guess. 

But I am a happy girl because I managed an entire weekend of being healthy and staying on track and killing it with the exercise. I feel relief having survived a weekend without crazy binging. The control I am exercising is the most important part. I feel confident in my ability to reach my goals, and that is epic!

Friday Satisfaction

Well hello there Friday afternoon, you are quite possibly one of my most favorite times of any week because you are chalked full of anticipation and certainly the largest stretch of freedom that comes during a week.  I love you Friday afternoon. Of course most weeks I do wish the last few hours of the day would go by just a little quicker instead of dragging out quite the way they do. Alas, it is still fine. I have made the executive decision that tonight I will be going to the gym again. This makes day 5 in a row. This is simply because I took off the entire last weekend while camping and most likely will take off tomorrow as Sunday morning I am running a half marathon. This means there is no harm in going tonight to ink out one more strength training session.

Last night I really killed it again on my own. There is a sense of empowerment that comes from kicking your own ass. This has been missing for me for a very long time. There is something quite satisfying about getting in a hard workout and knowing you are capable of pushing yourself. Of course like I said yesterday, I really do have to map it all out beforehand or else I wander around the gym like a lost puppy. Turns out this is probably a fairly common problem. I see lots of people at the gym with little pieces of paper following a plan so I think it’s all good. I mapped out a plan last night which was really my bare minimum and then once I got to the gym I started with that but it just wasn’t enough for me so I kept going and that is when I added a bunch of work.

My simply rule of thumb is to do any one exercise in at least sets of 3, but I try to do 4 sets of every exercise. I do at least 10-15 reps of the exercise depending on the exercise itself and the weight factor. I ususally try to alternate between two or three exercises that target the same muscle group. For instance I started last night with bicep curls with a 40 pound weight. I did 15 of them. Then I did 15 hammer curls with 15 pound weights. I alternated between these two exercises for 4 sets. Meaning I did 60 total of each of the exercises. My biceps could not handle more at that moment. Fried. Then I moved onto 3 different tricep exercises. Then I knew I wanted to do back, but I didn’t have much “planned” out, but boy I worked my back anyway.  The thing is, the back is my go to exercise area. I love back exercises for some reason. They are just my favorite. I easily did 6 different exercises targeting the back. I love a strong back, or rather maybe I have a strong back and therefore I love the exercises. Who knows? I really worked hard for an hour and 45 minutes and I felt great about things.

Tonight I am going to hit the gym for one last session just because. I think mom is going to come maybe and then I get to kick her ass a little too. Not much on my upper body is that sore so I can pretty much do anything. I do not want to do any legs as they are still a little tender and of course that pesky half marathon on Sunday so we do not want to tire them out.  Honestly I think I am going to end up doing a mesh of upper body again. It works for me.

I did really well with my food yesterday. I was perfectly on target and doing great and then at like 10:30, right before bed I got really hungry and ate peanuts. Now I will tell you I actually measured them out by the grams to get a serving, which is 160 calories and not that many shelled peanuts but whatever. In the grand scheme of things I do think eating real peanuts is healthier than eating crap food so it’s still a win for me. With those 160 extra calories I think that put me much closer to the 1500 calorie mark, but that’s all right. I probably honestly need 1500 calories with all the strength training I’ve been knocking out this week.

Right now I am sitting at about 600 calories for the day with an afternoon snack still planned that will add another 180 before hitting the gym, so 780 calories. This is about where I finish my work day at calorie wise. I head to the gym and when I come home I am ususally starving and immediately have to eat a snack to stabilize my body. Then I can think about dinner. I am pretty sure chicken and avocado are on the agenda for dinner tonight. It’s been a few days since I’ve had that and am craving it again. Avocado, much like the peanut is on that good for you even if it’s high in calories and fat category. I refuse to feel too much guilt over eating such items.

Overall I am feeling really good today. I guess that is the combination of the Friday thing and the eating healthy and feeling in control of my workouts and food choices once again. At least I am ending July way better than I started it. It’s even an afternoon and I am getting excited to go to the gym and get in a great workout. Usually at this point I am just tired and exhausted. Not today, today I feel excellent! I have a bit of a gym high and I like it.  I actually feel really laser sharp focused on my 10 in 10 goal. It is something that has been missing for a long time. Apparently I need a certain amount of goals or else I tend to get distracted too easily. Either way, I am pretty happy and I will take it.

Just a few short more hours here and then it’s off to the gym and then a whole weekend with my husband. Sometimes life is good.

Finally excited

Good morning internet world. Well, in all fairness it’s almost lunch time for me but whatever. I am feeling much better today. Like my motivation is feeling high and my resolve is firm. I think it has more to do with this is day 4 of healthier eating. I am not going to say clean eating because by no means is my eating “clean” but it is more controlled and healthier than it has been in a while. Its funny how simply eliminating some of the excess makes me feel much better on the inside. I am positive that I look no different and it makes no difference on my physical being but my body chemistry is feeling happier.

Let’s be honest, I’ve said it before, I am prone to mental issues given my family history and what I clearly have learned about myself in 35 years. I am not a totally balanced mental health kind of girl. What is insane is how much a difference the food and chemicals I put into my body make. I am also so surprised by how much better I just feel eating better. Not as sluggish or depressed. And the only thing I am doing is eating a little better, taking control of some things. CRAZY!

I am trying to not be overly crazy obsessive girl and simply just keep my calorie range between that magical 1200-1500 calories a day. I could do weight watchers for sure, but even that has a lifespan. I am trying this natural eat when I’m hungry; keep it in this respectable range thing. I have found though that when my calories come in at like 1400 which I think is acceptable for me, it would be WAY over my points range for the day. Perhaps it’s the items I am eating, but I honestly don’t know how I’d survive on less. Maybe this will change over time but I’m not going to beat myself up over eating 1400 calories in a day, especially on a day where I put forth some strong physical effort at the gym.

I just think it’s interesting the choices we make in food matter so much. I tend to stick towards a protein heavy diet given that I like to build muscle and strength train, of course this leads to higher point values if I were doing weight watchers. To be fair the types of food I am eating, if I were to use my allotted 26 points a day, would only end up being around 900-1000 calories. I just don’t think that would be enough for me. This is basically why I am trying out this whole 1200-1500 calorie a day thing and seeing how far it will take me. I may have to adjust some of my thinking at some point, but for now let’s just go with this.

I feel good. I mean, I feel like now that I have decided and officially committed to the whole 10 in 10 weight loss goal that a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, that I actually believe for the first time in a long time that I am going to lose these 10 pounds (maybe hopefully more) but for now I am just going to go with the 10 pound goal. Also I have a friend online who is joining me in the challenge and having someone to email about is a nice fun exciting thing to. Never hurts to have extra encouragement and support.

Last night was personal training and we did shoulders. Basically ½ an hour of intensive shoulder training. We threw in a few chest presses, but mostly it was focused on shoulders. Let me tell you half an hour of exercises focusing on one particular muscle group is a lot. My muscles literally end up giving out at the end of the session. I suppose this is a good thing. Today my arms are not that sore, but that might not come until tomorrow.  My legs are incredibly sore today which is a direct result of the workout and effort I entirely put forth by myself on Tuesday night. I am proud of kicking my own ass because like I was telling someone earlier today, when I get into the gym on my own I tend to end up a bit lost. Despite hours and hours of classes and training sessions and workouts with Amanda, I still end up walking around like a lost puppy on my own in the gym.  It’s crazy.  I have truly found the only remedy to that for me is to make a list of exercises before I go to the gym. This gives me something to accomplish and focuses me.

Tonight I am on my own again and as to not waste my time there, I will once again make myself a list of activities that will make me work. It’s fine to alter or add exercises once I’m in the gym, which I more than often do, but this is the bare minimum that I must accomplish. I am starting to feel some of my mojo come back and that makes me VERY happy.  Happiness, much like defeat and sadness, is a vicious cycle. It all feeds off of each other. When you are stuck in a loop it’s hard to veer off the path. Either path. The last month my path has been less than stellar but I am correcting that!

My fighting spirit is returning. I kind of missed her. That girl who works hard to get what she wants. I’m ready for this, FINALLY, after months, I am ready to take charge and kick ass. Of course I always have more energy and motivation in the mornings and by mid-day I hit my slump and don’t want to do anything :)  That’s pretty typical though.

Today I am proud of myself. I realized that I have been in some sort of slump lately and I have fought hard to get out of it. That no matter what I’ve been thru these past 2 years I have not given up. I am proud that today I am sitting here still going to the gym, believing in myself and my dreams. I am proud of everything that I have accomplished and learned about myself. I am proud of venturing outside of my comfort zone and running organized races despite not feeling 100% good about myself. Hello half marathon number 16 this weekend. CRAZY proud of that.

I have this feeling in my heart that my October trip to San Jose is going to be really awesome. I mean, I believe in myself that much. Plus they released the finisher’s medal design today and it’s too adorable and I can’t wait to own it. That’s already extra motivation on top of the epic-ness that is the San Jose event weekend. On my two year anniversary I will be running a ½ marathon.  That is just DAMNED cool. If that isn’t proof positive that change is possible nothing is.

In a nutshell, I am excited and ready to see where these next 10 weeks are going to take me culminating with an epic epic 2 year weight loss anniversary on October 5 when I run a half marathon thru the streets of San Jose. I am going to kill this!

Honestly coming clean

I have decided to start my 10 week, 10 pound challenge a day early. In all honesty it’s kind of been going since Monday but instead of officially weighing in tomorrow morning, on Thursday, which is going to be my weigh in day I just did it this morning. All this really means is that I get one extra day this week to see results. I won’t weigh myself again until next Thursday July 31. This gives me 8 days to see results. Yeah!

So do you want brutal honesty? I hate having to admit things that scare me. You’d think after all this time I wouldn’t be scared of a number and somehow I always end up freaked out. Today I weighed 157.5.  That is a scary number to me. It’s not unexpected or the worst number I’ve seen even recently. Honestly I have been hovering between 155-160 pounds for months now. I am not sure why right now it just seems to freak the shit out of me. I think I am just tired of seeing that number because it is a long way off from 140 pounds. Although 140 pounds is probably not that realistic or maintainable for me clearly. I’d be very happy at 145 pounds. Thus the whole 10 weeks, 10 pounds thing. Somewhere around 145 would be perfect. Especially with the crazy muscle base that I know I do have.

But alas, I have admitted it out loud. Today is July 23 and I weigh 157.5 pounds and I HATE this fact. I know I should not complain because in the bigger, greater picture of things 157.5 is a far cry from 215 pounds. And I am 10 weeks away from 2 years which is a pretty dang big deal for me. It is 10 weeks away from being 2 years since I weighed 215 pounds. That has never happened to me, proving that I am clearly a ridiculous yo-yo dieter. Alas, I should be able to take of 10 pounds no problem and live more comfortably and happily at 147 pounds. I’d be much happier if that second number was a 4.  Alas, I should quit my bitching and indulging in the pity party I’ve been stuck in for the past 2 months or so.

I’ve spent far more effort trying to convince myself that being 155 pounds is acceptable because honestly it’s easier and more fun to eat crap then really focusing on the issue that I need to rein it in and lose some weight. DENIAL is such a strong force.  Alas, being 157.5 pounds today and deciding to lose weight is a far cry from starting at 215 pounds so at least I’ve got that going for me.

Its funny how I just wake up one day and without warning I realize I’ve gained weight. Like somehow I did not know it when it was happening. Our minds do a pretty good job of shielding us from the things we don’t want to see.  But my eyes are wide open now and I truly think it’s time to make this happen for me. For my health, for my happiness, for my self-esteem. It honestly has far less to do with a number on a scale and far more to do with how I feel about myself. Strong, powerful, and most importantly in control. I think these are things that have slowly slid out of my hands in the past couple months. It’s time to regain the power.

Last night I actually kicked my own ass for once, and it felt great. No classes, no personal training, just me and the gym and I went hard on a leg day. I am very proud of what I accomplished. That was a great step and feeling of self-empowerment knowing I could actually give myself a hard workout all on my own. I have eaten great since Monday and thus far today I am perfectly on track. Tonight is personal training which will no doubt be brutal followed by an hour of Iron Power strength training, so the exercise is happening full force tonight? That is the good news. Perfectly on track and that is exactly how I like it.

I went to the grocery store at lunch today and picked up a few items, which is always good. Had a premade salad for lunch today. Greens of course, cranberries, walnuts and cheese with a pomegranate dressing. This was a premade bowl I bought from Safeway. 210 calories of deliciousness and most important health. This wasn’t crap food; it was good healthy stuff which does matter. Quality does count when it comes to what fuel you put in your body. Fortunately at the top of my favorite foods are nuts and berries so that’s at least something. Of course it’s far too easy to over indulge in them which also sucks, but hey, at least they are good for you.

So yeah, 10 weeks starts now. I can do this. I can come here and right out my accountability and stick to good choices and get that second number back to the 4 that I want.  Fresh start. Only this fresh start comes with a MUCH stronger, fitter, healthier me. I may be “starting” today, but I am far from new to this. I mean, I have another half marathon on Sunday morning, my 16^th for the year so this girl isn’t exactly a slacker.

10 weeks- 10 pounds. Let’s go!

Caloric Zone

Holy crappy-tastic day. It is the afternoon and I literally am sitting at my desk for almost the first time today. Things seem to be very crazy lately at work, like constantly busy and/or a fire to put out. I suppose some days are just like that. In some ways it is good because it doesn’t leave much time for obsessing over non-essential stuff. I still have a shit ton of stuff that has to get done this afternoon but I literally needed a break, as I have seriously been going non-stop since like 8 this morning. Love it when my day starts at home with answering emails before I am even supposed to be at work. I just need a few moments to calm myself for a moment, catch my breath and then I can return to work.

Last night I killed at the gym or is that the gym killed me? Either way, I got a great workout it and I was satisfied with the effort. I also did manage to end the day in my 1200-1500 calorie goal. It’s hard because I don’t 100% track or know the exact amounts of some fruits etc. That crap is hard, but I can slightly guesstimate.  I can track officially 1150 calories of food consumed and then on top of that I had about ¾ of an avocado, so that is going to add probably at least 200 calories or more and then I had a pint of raspberries, so that is like 150 calories.  So that would be like 1500 calories total. But I’m hard pressed to be upset about the raspberries or even the avocado. I so enjoy the avocado that I think it am incredibly worth the calories. It has lots of good shit for you, right?  Dang, see what happens when I don’t actually track, turns out I’m definitely closer to my 1500 calorie limit than I thought. I’d say I will do better today, but I honestly don’t know. I shall always try to hit that magical 1,200 to 1,500 calorie range but until I’m totally ready to actually measure/weigh and record foods I am sure I won’t see real progress.

Which brings me to this Thursday. I think I am going to weigh myself and do my stats on Thursday, and then that will be officially 10 weeks until my October goal of my 2 year anniversary of weight shit and of course getting on a plane to go to San Jose to run another Rock N Roll race. So I’ve got a couple days until 10 weeks. I think it should be possible for me to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks. That is a totally manageable goal; of course I do have to try.

I can be such an in denial bitch sometimes. It’s like when things are going great in my world I am all for talking/thinking/reading about health and nutrition, but the moment when I just don’t feel it seeing anything health related drives me insane. Case in point, those awkward posts by people who go to the gym with me where they are constantly talking about being on the stair climber or building muscle or what food they are eating. So annoying. See, told you I am such a petty bitch sometimes. I think I have learned how annoying those are so clearly I try very hard to limit my posting of such things. I truly do not mind an update every now and then or a progress picture or a selfie, but seriously like every other day you have to show me your flexed arm or the healthy food choice you just made. Now if you have a blog and want to write to your hearts content about such things that is perfectly fine, but on Facebook, really? Sometimes it’s clearly too much.

I can accept and understand that Facebook or any social media for that matter is mostly a lie. It is clearly the best possible versions of our lives. For the most part people only post the cool/happy moments. There is a certain breed of person who chooses to post all of their lives drama on Facebook and consequently all the dirty crappy parts as well, but as a general rule people try to keep it to the envious things. I know it’s the highlight real for sure. I am guilty of that just as much as anyone else. But as a general rule do I need to see you flex your muscles 4 days a week? Probably not. Guess that’s what I get for being friends with so many gym people on Facebook.

Speaking of the gym, I am clearly set to go once again tonight, although there aren’t any classes I’m taking so I will have to come up with my own game plan. These nights are hard. Not really sure what I’m in the mood for, but I should probably figure something out.  I think it’s safe to say I have lost a lot of my spark as of late. You know that thing that was constantly making me feel happy and great. It has been missing which just totally sucks.

I am sure I will find it again, just as I’m sure life ebbs and flows, some time I will wake up and feel amazing and happy and ready to tackle the world again. Nothing stays the same for too long. Good and bad.

It's a Monday

My camping weekend adventure was good, but I have to say I am VERY glad to be home and back to a normal routine. Of course this morning there was literally zero part of me that wanted to get up and go to work. It’s like that dread for no reason feeling when you miss a day of work and you have no idea if you are going to be walking into a big mess as a consequence. I was pretty much dreading it but it turned out okay. So far so good.

Last Thursday night I did end up doing a personal training session with the other girl. We fried out the chest and a few upper body areas and consequently all weekend, as requested, I was walking around sore. It was oddly rewarding to actually feel stiff and sore. Of course that didn’t mean that I was any more likely to want to exercise over the weekend. I did not do any deliberate exercise from Friday to Sunday. I say deliberate because we were outside in the sun and did lots of walking and even managed a nice hike one day. This is all what I consider normal wear and tear on the body. I love the outdoors and enjoying nature etc., but at the end of the day I really do want to go home to my nice clean dirt free house and shower and go to bed in a comfy clean bed. Camping is not entirely my thing. I had a great time and my extended family is pretty damned awesome overall. I lucked out on the family front. I have always known that. I adore so many of my cousins and genuinely adore spending time with them. That part was great. Feeling disgusting 24/7 for 3 days straight, not so much fun. But the memories far outweigh the negative and I will treasure those experiences for a lifetime.  Ah, Cards Against Humanity, late night by lantern with your cousins. Priceless. Did I mention alcohol? Yup, everything is more fun with alcohol.

But I am glad to be back at it today. Back to my normal routine where I can control my food/exercise a little better. Overall, I did not do awful with food intake. I didn’t do great either, but not awful. I’d say I made some smart decisions and a few stupid ones but overall I’m pleased with things. It’s a balance. I am ready to go back to the gym tonight though and hit it hard. I have 1.5 hours of classes I am intending on doing tonight. Half an hour of butts and guts and then an hour of Iron Power. It’s a nice, thinkless workout because I just do what they tell me to and I don’t have to try and come up with my own routine. Monday nights are good like that, especially since my brain isn’t fully recuperated from the weekend and probably would not want to work out on its own otherwise.

I was pretty busy this morning at work, given I took Friday off and all, and am now finally starting to feel caught up, thus a few minutes of time to be able to steal away and write this. So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about effort and desire and goals. This month has been pretty rough on me in terms of my mental desire and I have been starting to question what is up. I think a lot of it is self-imposed pressure, but also basically I am stuck at a stagnate stand still. I am just not putting out the effort I once was and pop in and out of brilliant moments of gusto where I think I am going to do this and then moments of who the hell cares. Overall I am just barely doing enough to maintain and eventually the stagnate movement or rather lack of any sort of movement makes you feel unaccomplished or dissatisfied.  Of course I think this is called maintaining and one should not mistake maintenance for dissatisfaction. One should always find satisfaction in simply being able to maintain especially if you are honestly not putting out any sincere effort. But therein lies the problem, I really should be making more of an effort. But I like food. I have said it before; I truly am a food addict. Any extremely over weight person I believe is partly addicted to food. Addicted to the comfort of it all. Addicted to some aspect of it or else we wouldn’t use it and abuse it the way we do. It’s easy for food to become the go-to for all things. It is such a dangerously overused form of self-soothing. For good or bad. I use it out of happiness just as much as I do depression.

But…. I’ve just got to keep trying which is all I really can do. Nothing worth having has ever come easy. And I more than anyone know that this whole weight loss/weight maintenance thing is a FOREVER HARD crazy DIFFICULT battle. It requires making a choice every single day over and over again to stay on the right path. Some days I fail miserably at it, but I don’t ever really fail until I quit trying. I’ve got like a little over 10 weeks until October when I go to San Jose and I really should focus on making those 10 weeks the best they can be. Let’s face it; the time is going to go by anyway, so I may as well work on kicking some ass in that time frame. That’s enough time to really commit myself and make some noticeable changes. In the end, I am tired of the scale being stagnate at a number I’m not really thrilled about. Yes, it’s great that I am maintaining but it’s not at a number I’m particularly happy at. And therefore only I can really make this change.

I sound like such a pitiful broken record. But the record plays on, as so long as it plays I have not lost. There is still a little bit of juice running thru the record player.  So for today, I commit to my 1.5 hours of class and I commit to eating no more than 1,500 calories. I am not sure this will result in weight loss, but somewhere between 1,200 and 1,500 calories is my goal. This is a sustainable amount of nutrition for me. I will not go over the 1,500 calorie mark. That’s as much as I can commit to today.