When did I get so scared all the time?

Some days things just don’t go according to plan do they? I’m trying to get some stuff done at work and then it’s like, run this errand for me will ya? And then its can you do this? I guess it’s good to be needed right? Of course I am a pretty ritualistic girl. Okay, that sounded like creepy spiritual and that I am not. I meant, I am a creature of habit. I like routine and consistency. Thus the same running routine for 7 plus months. Anyhow; I have a predetermined way I like my mornings to go and that includes start out doing a few things that I have to do daily for work and then I like to take a little while and write out my blog post. I love how that somehow gets worked into my daily work routine, right? As if that is a high priority I’m sure… But if I don’t get it done in the morning there are diminishing odds that it happens later in the day. Just part of the ritual that is Emily.

Anyhow; last night I met with my newly hired personal trainer. Her name is Julie. I was nervous because God knows I am always nervous. Why am I such a scardy cat all the time? Geesh. Sometimes I wonder what the hell is really wrong in my brain, but that is a discussion for another time. I wasn’t actually afraid to meet with her. I think my fear stems from being afraid that I won’t be able to deliver on expectations. I think that I’m afraid that people think I’m stronger than I am. That perhaps I portray myself as stronger than I am. I don’t even mean physically stronger but emotionally. I think I’d break far easier than I like to portray.

I like my trainer. I have this innate desire to want to please her. Perhaps because I do like her and respect her. Perhaps because she keeps telling me how awesome I’m going to be and how much she is looking forward to watching me change and of course how cute and tiny I already am. Hmm… who doesn’t love to hear that? For some reason she already gets me and I love that. I think it helps that she is my mom’s trainer and has discussed me with her so I go in already having someone else in my corner. She has already gathered that I am obsessive compulsive and told me last night she was the same way. That I remind her of herself at my age. She is in her mid 40’s now. She said I am at about the same weight she was when she started doing this herself and she was 34. Anyway, she took my measurements which weren’t bad. I have nothing to compare them to so I can’t really tell you. The only time I’ve ever taken my measurements are when you hold up a tape measure and let’s be honest you pull it pretty tight to produce the lowest number possible. Not sure if that is really the most accurate measurement anyway.

It’s probably better to have a consistent person measure you who doesn’t squeeze the ever loving crap out of you. Probably better. Anyhow, my numbers seemed fine to me. But who the hell is counting. I suppose the true result comes in a month when we take my measurements again to see if there is any improvement. After she took the measurements she was like, see you already are tiny. I like being called tiny even if I don’t believe it. For some reason I do have it stuck in my head that 140 pounds is not tiny at all. That someone who is “tiny” is like 110 pounds. I don’t want to be 110 pounds but I have never equated thin to 140 pounds ever. Funny. Which is why it always shocks me that someone in this profession could say that I look like I’m at a great size and don’t need to lose weight but just tone up. In my mind I guess I still see all the flab at 140 pounds and therefore my normal gut reaction is to lose more weight and be like 130 pounds when in reality perhaps I just need to turn the flab into muscle and then it wouldn’t matter if I was 140 or 130 pounds. I do believe that. I am less concerned about the actual weight and suddenly more focused on building noticeable muscle.

However, I am scared that given her knowledge of my history and the reality that I already have a pretty high fitness level that somehow her expectation of my ability is greater than what it actually is. I keep trying to preface it by saying things like I have never done any of this kind of stuff before and my form is awful, I don’t know what I’m doing and of course I am not strong at all. I am not sure this is helping myself any but I naturally do it nonetheless.

She asked me realistically how much I am running. I told her since going the gym last month I have really tried to focus on running less but for a solid 7 months I honestly ran 5 days a week for an hour minimum. This is not a lie. She told me this was indeed too much running and while great for blasting calories and losing weight as I have done it really does become counterproductive because eventually as you lose weight your body has no more of those fat cells to blast and it turns into burning your non-existent muscle. Okay I added the non-part in there. Anyhow my goal is strength, strength, strength, and to taper down on the running of course.

This is a hard concept for my brain to completely grasp. I want to run. I love to run. But on the flip of it, I want health and I want different results than I’ve ever gotten so shouldn’t I really listen to this educated professional?

Oh, and the diet… geesh. They have a page you log into to track your food intake. Yeah, it’s one of those “ideal” best case scenarios that for me seem completely not manageable in real life at all. Keep your sodium levels to oh, nothing! Ha. And of course 50% carbs, 30% protein, 20% fat or something like that. I BARELY and I do mean BARELY track food on occasion; you really think I’m going to spend my life analyzing how much of my diet is coming from carbs/protein/fat. It’s pretty much a miracle if I track or eat well so why should I over tax my brain with that. Yes, I understand it would be better for me. Don’t we all know that? I don’t think I’m trying to become miss muscle fitness 2013 or the poster child for the fitness industry. I simply want to strength train and I suppose ultimately learn to maintain my weight and still afford myself the occasional cookie and margarita. I’m not looking to beat myself up for my particular mix of food choices. What the fuck do I care if a banana is carb loaded and therefore skews my daily intake. It’s a god-damned banana and shouldn’t it be a good thing for me to eat those as snacks instead of like chips or something else?

Okay, that is my stupid rant. She wasn’t really pushing it that hard. I just find it interesting that the fitness industry as a whole is so focused on stuff like that. I get it, but I am also coming from a place of real. I’ve done this shit for 9 years and I know that for someone who will always be a fat girl on the inside it’s a fucking miracle to consistently eat bananas as snacks. Fuck the carbs. Seriously!

Baby steps. She waked me around and showed me some machines to get me going this week. I was happy and comfortable with that. She told me we would not spend a lot of time focusing on the machines as she has other plans for me. She seemed genuinely excited to tear into me and that is both awesome and terrifying that the same time. I don’t even think it’s because of my physical ability. I am sure it’s not great and I am sure while she gets people coming to her with less skills she probably has people in better shape seeking her help as well. But what she probably gets little of is the crazy obsessive girl that is pretty obvious I am. I think when you tell someone that you lost almost 80 pounds in 7 months all on your own you get a pretty clear vision of the level of commitment or perhaps crazy that is going on in there brain. I think this is a rare-er breed at a gym. Sure sure you get your addicts or people who are fit, but a true obsessive compulsive is a rarer breed. And here I am in the flesh waiting to be molded I guess. I will say that in 9 years of yo-yo-ing my life around I have never really done weight training. I am a fresh slate.

But I am scared. I keep saying that because a girl doesn’t get to be 220 pounds in life without having a few emotional issues. Those bags are hard to empty my friends. Just because I lose the weight doesn’t mean all of the issues suddenly go away. I have worked very hard on them and sure they are lesser. Hell I’m proud of myself for even joining the gym and feeling comfortable enough to walk around there like I actually belong. That is a HUGE step for me. So obviously part of my baggage is wondering if I can really live up to expectations. What if I CAN’T do this? What if I flake out like I have done every other time in my life? What if I quit? What happens when my motivation and desire go away, as I am almost certain will happen at some point?

One day at a time I guess. Don’t create the problems before they happen. Right now we have blocked out Monday nights at 5:30 for my training sessions indefinitely. I get off work at 5, have to rush to the gym, try and get in a solid 10-15 minutes of warm-up before I see her and then she is going to kick my ass apparently. I think I will love it. I’ve loved everything I’ve done thus far. Maybe in the moment I hate it, but I always love it afterwards. I am certain this will be no different.

And just because I’m afraid doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. What if I could actually have the things I want and all it took was me stepping out of my comfort zone? I’m tired of being so afraid of life. I really am such a wuss. I don’t know when I got so scared to live.

Last night I did not do really any cardio. I took a class that was fun and then I did some weight stuff for 30 minutes, the stuff she showed me and that was about it. So tonight I plan to hit the gym for a good sweat session. I didn’t sweat too much last night. Chris works late tonight so I get to spend some quality time with myself sweating it out. I brought my running shoes tonight so I can get in a nice 5k run. I will try and limit myself to only a 30 minute run and then more weights and other stuff. But I feel like I need a good run. It is when I do my best thinking!