At the Crossroads

Today or rather yesterday; okay at this point in my journey I find myself at a crossroads. This is the exact same place I have stood many times before. If I try and analyze my history which ultimately proves to never be a very smart thing for me, I can say that I have gained a whole bunch of weight and lost a whole bunch of weight pretty much to this point of goal 3 previous times. This is my fourth go round of weight loss in 9 years. Clearly we can say that I could be classified as the quintessential yo-yo dieter. And we are talking large amounts of weight too. Irrelevant. The point is; I am standing in the same spot I’ve stood for the 4th time and see up ahead on my path a dead stop in the road with two paths to walk down. My own personal crossroads as you will.

One of those paths is one I have walked down many times before. 3 previous times to be exact. It feels like a comfortable road because I have traveled it for so long. The road is one where I continue down the same journey I’ve been on and get the same results I’ve always gotten. For a while I will be good and diligent. For a while I will fluxuate between periods of eating healthy and being focused and then at other points things will start to slip. The challenges will be gone, the motivation will waiver. Ultimately some amount of undo stress will cause me to not care and in years’ time I will most likely be right back at that start of the path. WAY back at the beginning. I have traveled this road and it makes a big U-turn. It is a deceptive giant circle right back around to the beginning. I have been on this continuous loop for 9 years and while multiple times I have come to the crossroad; that point in the circle where I could actually pull out of the loop I have never done it. Why? Fear perhaps. Inability to recognize my own loop maybe?

Here I stand once again at the point where I can pull myself off the continuous loop I’ve always traveled upon and make a different decision. It is scary and frightening and exhilarating all rolled up into one. I have no idea where this new road will lead. Perhaps to its own loop; perhaps not. But the thing is, it’s a different choice than I’ve ever taken before. It’s a different path that I have NEVER walked down before. It took me 9 years to realize that in order to really be the person I want to become I have to get off the path I’ve always traveled down.

Yesterday I took the first step towards a new path. After making the decision I kind of had a mini freak out and instantly wasn’t sure if this was the right step or not (I tend to have to really let things resonate for a while before I can be comfortable with any decision) Spontaneity is not my friend!

Last night I signed my life away and now belong to the gym. Ha. Basically I put my signature on a million lines indicating that I am now fully committed for 1 year of personal training sessions, weekly. It is a huge commitment. It is a lot of money monthly to be charged to my credit card. It is a big responsibility and one that I do not take lightly.

But I’m standing at that fork in the road where I can travel the path I’ve walked a million times or actually be brave. That is a hard thing for me. I can actually walk the walk that I always talk about. It is not going to be easy. I am not going to be great at it which scares me unto itself. It is going to be hard and I am certain there will be days where I will regret the decision a million times over; but if I want different results than I’ve always gotten I have to make a different choice than I’ve always made.

I knew this time was different for me and I had to really commit to myself to prove it. At first I was completely freaked by the year commitment. I still am actually but why should that scare me? Am I afraid that I won’t want to do this for the next year? Um... really? I can’t commit to a year when I am talking in terms of knowing I have to do this forever? I don’t love strength training. I much prefer my safe and secure cardio running. Well, if I really end up not loving anything else I can do my weekly sessions of strength with my trainer and then go back to my boring same old cardio routine the rest of the time. At least this will guarantee me one strength training session a week. And let’s be honest I know in my heart I need it. I also know in my heart that I probably won’t hate it. And I am certain that after time I will start to love and appreciate the results.

My trainer keeps telling me how awesome I’m going to look and how much of a difference I am going to see. I just have to sit back and put my faith in someone else which is entirely hard for me to do on this journey. This is what I know. In order for me to lose weight I sweat my ass off. I run. That is the best most sweat inducing thing I can do. I burn tons of calories. We all know calories equal pounds. Its basic fundamentals. I can’t get my brain out of the mindset that in order to keep my weight I have to burn massive calories by running. My trainer looked at me after I signed on the dotted line and said, “You know I’m not going to tell you its okay to run as much as you do.” Umm…. Okay. This frightens me. I love running. I tried to counter to her that it’s more about just getting on a treadmill to burn calories. It has moved beyond that for me at this point. It’s about the clarity and strength I feel and how I find myself in running. I will never give it up. I love it so much. But perhaps I could and should put my faith in the educated professional who tells me that there is more to this fitness world than a good run. I know this.

My brain is not stupid. It understands that building strength will not only make me feel better and look better that ultimately it should help my running even. If that truly were my goal. She said I was a rare breed who comes into a trainer already knowing what hard work is about and how to sweat and now she gets to channel that into building my strength. I’m not going to lie I was completely frightened. Yes, I know how to work hard. Yes, I know how to run for an hour and DRIP sweat. I know how to push myself past my limits but I am also weak at the same time.

She said that we will do my body fat again that it’s around 25-26 percent body fat right now and she easily thinks our goal is going to be get my body fat to 20%. Ugh… I kind of choked because that seems really low. One step at a time. I guess I have a year huh! I have to remind myself this is what I wanted. This is what I did to myself because I needed a new challenge and if I can’t commit to a year of this lifestyle than I have no business even writing on this blog at all.

Yes this is all completely out of my comfort zone. Yes, this scares the shit out of me. More for fear of failure. I hate failing and right now I’m afraid I will fail. But it is absurd. You can’t fail if you don’t try and as long as you are trying you are never failing. My form sucks, like in my technique so I guess that all has to be worked on. Ugh… what have I done?

I can’t help but that that in a couple months’ time even I will look back at this moment, at this blog post as a pivotal point in my journey. As a turning point really. I hope anyway that is the case. That I can call this period of time when it all FINALLY changed for me. When I made a different choice. This is the time when I normally quit and instead I am going to move full speed ahead down a new path.

For the record I did not intend to sign up yesterday but as soon as I walked into the gym she was talking to me. Pre Maui I had told her that after I got back from vacation I was going to sign up. In all fairness she didn’t bombard me, but she was talking to my mom and I walked over to them and chatted for a while and then she was like, “So, are you ready to sign up for your personal training?” I really know it’s now or never and I am going to choose me. I am very happy with my health and fitness right now and am finally ready to go to that next level; as scary as that actually is for me.

I feel comfortable at the gym. I feel happy and excited there and I think that is important. Last night I ended up doing a ½ hour butts and guts class, which I sucked at! But whatever, and then I did about 20 minutes of Zumba before meeting with my new trainer to set things up. My first official assessment workout with measurements and such is scheduled for Monday night at 5:30. I do ultimately think this is the right thing for me. If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you? Right! I’m ready for the challenge. But more importantly I’m ready to take a new path. I want to be that healthy, happy, strong girl for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be the yo-yo’er any more. Today I am proud of my decisions. So sit back and get ready for the next phase of my journey and my ramblings about it. Because I am not going anywhere!