This time its different

Today is Wednesday so I guess the nice thing about not working on a Monday is suddenly with little effort you find yourself at the half way point in the week. Officially the half-way point is not for a few hours but technicalities I guess. Of course I still feel like I’m playing catch up in all aspects of my life and will probably feel that way until at least this weekend when I actually have some spare time to maybe catch up. I say maybe because inevitably what ends up happening is that I just fill my days with other things and don’t do the things that I should do to “catch up”…. Either way I’m quite looking forward to Saturday. Chris has tomorrow and Friday off and then this weekend my mom and sister are leaving to go to my brother in laws college graduation. I declined to go because I knew I would have massive amounts of “catch up” to get done. This basically means I shall have a free weekend to actually clean dirty clothes, organize and clear off my kitchen counter which is full of odds and ends from Maui. I need to put those suitcases back up in the attic because unfortunately I won’t be needing them anytime soon.

Anyway I lost track of my point. I think the point is its Wednesday and I’m getting closer to surviving the first few days back at work post vacation. Those are always the worst aren’t they? Despite knowing it’s not even a possibility I always have that weird sensation that when you come back somehow they won’t want you to come back. Like somehow in your absence they will discover they don’t really need you anymore. Am I the only one who feels that way? Like I said, I don’t even think that was ever a real concern but I always feel like it could be…. So entirely stupid. At least a solid day in I feel like my job is secure, even if I still have a pile of work to do and instead am writing this post. Perhaps that is where my insecurities lie. Whatever.

Yesterday I was totally 100% on track and that is a great feeling. So much so that last night in the car I actually said to myself, “I’ve got this. I am going to be fine.” And I meant it. I guess that was always a big fear for me too because as my friend Theresa said in a comment yesterday, post Maui vacation has always been the time when I lost it. I have a solid pattern I can plainly see now. It is a 2 year pattern, cycle, rinse, repeat. Gain weight. Lose weight. Work my ass off to get to goal, go to Maui, indulge excessively, return and never get back on track, gain the weight back and start all over again. This is the third time this cycle has come to fruition. Of course, I knew in my heart pre Maui that this time was different and I definitely know now this time won’t be like all the others.

Something about this whole thing has finally clicked in my head and I identified my pattern before going to Maui and put in every possible safe guard to prevent a return from Maui and a continued spiral. I knew 2013 Maui would be different because I exercised leading up to Maui. I even ran the day before vacation. There has been not time previously where this has occurred. And of course; the day after my return I am back at it. Just as I should be. That is growth I think. Or at least proof that I’ve figured something out. Sure Maui itself was still an indulgence-fest but that was okay with me. Honestly we ate out like all the time. I mean, what else are you supposed to do? And I drank a lot and I had desserts. But I enjoyed myself and that was the whole damned point of going on vacation anyway.

Yesterday I remained as “clean” as I possibly could in my eating and actually tracked my food for the first time in months. I had lots of yogurt and fruit to get me thru the day. I had a post run smoothie of Greek yogurt/water/tropical fruits. I had chicken and avocado for dinner with corn on the cob. As clean of a day as I’m going to get. And I felt better.

I am not going to lie I was beyond freaked out to run. Mostly because I was afraid my body wouldn’t be able to keep up with my normal pace. I was afraid I had weakened it. Last night I immediately got on my treadmill and decided to just go for it. The first couple minutes were okay, the next couple minutes I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to complete my hour and then somewhere around minute 10 or so I got my pace going and got into my steady groove. I sweated which is what I wanted. I ran for 62 minute and did a solid 6.2 miles. Notice how I always like to try and run in increments of significant running distances. 6.2 is (2) 5 k’s or I guess a 10k run. It’s like God forbid I stopped at 6 miles, I better run that extra .2. Ha.

So now the truth is I’m actually more worried about running today because there’s always that initial high and excitement and ability after you’ve given your body time off. Day 2 can get a little rougher. Regardless, I will run again tonight at home. Then tomorrow, Thursday, I am going to go back to the gym. I want one more day of a solid sweat session of running and then I will venture back to the gym Thursday night to mix it up. I think this is a solid plan for me.

Of course today it’s more clean eating. When I set goals for myself I always accomplish them (within reason of course). I committed to 10 days of clean healthy eating and I’m going to do it. Not that I won’t continue to eat solid and clean and healthy; but it’s just that I am doing a bit of a body detox for 10 days. I think somehow I feel like if I binged for 10 days of crap the counterbalance to that would be 10 days of perfect health. Whatever, it’s a good idea in theory.

I can look back at this blog right here, and while I didn’t post that frequently over the past four years something did not escape my attention and fear prior to Maui. If you go back to June 0f 2009 there are 3 whole whopping posts. One that says a brief synopsis of my first Maui vacation with my husband 4 years ago. Then like a week later you find a post that says I’ve been eating like a horrible pig post Maui and then a week AFTER that you see a post with a photo of the floorboard of my car a couple weeks post Maui full of crap food. This is the last post for a long while, over a year, because I never got my shit back together. I went to Maui; had a great time, ate like a pig, and couldn’t break the cycle afterwards. The reality of this did not escape my mind.

I am so glad that there is not and will not be a post like that this time. I’m so glad my first post back was a plan of action. It was about how I was and will eat clean and exercise. I am not the girl I once was. I have truly learned from my past and will not repeat this particular mistake over again. I am the new me and I love her. She can go on vacation and get herself back in action.

I am going to go to the gym tomorrow night and plan on hitting it up this weekend in all of my leisure time to myself. I will probably at this point try and meet with the personal trainer to set something up. Pay for it. Ugh. Generally the money doesn’t bother me but after spending 10 days in Hawaii I spent way too much money of course and am feeling a little conservative about wanting to spend money, but the trainer is worth it; I know. It’s fine…. It’s only money. It’s not the most important thing in the world. I’m always telling my ultra-fiscally conservative husband that it’s just money, so many things matter more than money. I need to take my own advice.

Anyhow, I guess the thing is if I can do it; anyone can. Yes I have a crazy chip in my brain but I am one of the most notorious bingers and abusers of the yo-yo diet cycle. If I can break the cycle anyone can. I’ve been on this roller coaster for almost 10 years. Seriously been almost 10 freaking years and if I can finally figure out some of my triggers than there really is hope for everyone. I mean I’ve done this pretty much by myself. By myself with the help of this online world. I didn’t go to a single weight watchers meeting. I didn’t previously meet with any trainers or doctors. This was all me finally figuring it out. That is a huge step.

I downloaded my photos off my cameras with my pictures from Maui. Boy its going to be a long process to sort thru those and crop the images and actually get them ready. I also want to make a scrapbook so that’s part of my to do list as well. So much to do; so little time. Maybe this weekend I will actually write out my Maui recap. That might be one I need to sit down and focus to do. In the meantime, here are some photos…