The constant food struggle

I realize lately that my posts have felt an awful lot like a broken record. Kind of been saying the same thing day in and day out and while that is all nice and fine and dandy I mean it can get quite tediously boring. Yeah, the girl is exercising and going to the gym, great…. And yes, it is a good thing and yes I’m excited and yes this is a weight related blog so I’m not sure that one should expect any different content from it but it’s still constantly boring to hear the same thing.

So instead today I want to talk about something slightly different. Not really but at least it’s a different take on it. Yes the past week has been filled with healthy good stuff. Lots of great exercise and back on program post vacation joy. That is all true but lest we think I‘ve got all my shit figured out I don’t want to delude anyone, this is still a hard journey and despite being at goal having an addictive personality nothing about this is EVER easy. I still struggle, even now. It is a constant moment by moment struggle or rather conscious decision to be healthy. And health doesn’t always win.

I don’t want to fool anyone. I have been pretty clean in my eating post Maui but things have still gotten the better of me. I ate at least half a bag of Tostados Hint of Lime chips by myself thru the course of this last week and I didn’t even count/track/account for a bite of it; anywhere. And I’m not going to lie it is a DAILY and yes I do mean every single day kind of struggle to not pull into the amazing cupcake shop that is downtown and buy a cupcake. I am super addicted to fancy amazing unique flavored cupcakes. I’m glad I didn’t know this place existed 9 months ago when I was still eating anything and everything. I can only imagine how much additional damage I could have caused myself. But I don’t know why even to this day I have to divert the car in a different direction every single day.

Why are some people blessed with the skinny/healthy jean while others have to fight every single day to do the things that actually make themselves feel better. I can not deny that I never feel better physically and mentally than when I eat well and exercise. I have never been one of those people where food doesn’t affect me. Even when I am shoveling piles of garbage into my mouth I feel sick and push on. Even as an obese child eating too much grease caused me to spend many sleepless nights hugging the toilet. I had acid reflux disease as a kid which of course if a fancy way of saying I ate way too much fast food that my body couldn’t process it correctly. And yet it was never an indication to me that I should quit my behaviors.

And low and behold every single time I get off track and live a McDonald’s diet my stomach aches and I throw up and I feel sluggish and horrible. This is all physically; it doesn’t even being to touch the mental anguish it causes. Let’s face it, when you are 220 pounds and you don’t entirely care what you are eating the mental toll isn’t as tough as it would be if I ate at McDonald’s today. That is the truth. I wasn’t mentally that concerned about my behaviors probably because I would have had to face the truth if I were. There was a few times where I would actually think about it and get disgusted and just push the thought out of my head. But that didn’t stop the physical symptoms of poor nutrition from taking their toll on me.

Sometime approximately a year or so ago, in May of 2012 I remember sitting in my mom’s living room chatting with her about how I desperately HAD to do something about my eating because I just felt so sick all the time. I was so tired of physically feeling like I was going to vomit 24/7. And honestly I did vomit a lot. But I still would go to McDonald’s for my next meal or crack open another 12 pack of frosted sugar cookies; and then complain of wanting to vomit.

When you are not in the right mind frame there is just no getting out of the slump we create for ourselves. It’s not as if I didn’t know how to lose weight or eat healthy. I had already lost and gained 70 plus pounds 3 times at that point. I knew how to succeed and I knew how to fail. I was choosing failure. Despite having that conversation in May of 2012 it took until October to finally stop the madness. I honestly am not sure what finally did it for me. A complete combination of factors I’ve discussed before. The reality of booking a Vegas trip to see my stalking obsession, P!nk. And then there was this other nagging reality… Mom had joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. I knew she was going to lose weight and suddenly I couldn’t walk around fat and unhappy while mom was getting healthy.

Boy this journey is easier when the people around you are walking the same path. I have never really understood this concept until this time losing weight. I have known it was true but no one in my family had really been on the same path as me until this time. It is nice having mom care too. It is nice going to the gym and seeing my mom there. It is nice having someone to take classes with. Actually I don’t believe for a second I would have even EVER joined a gym if it hadn’t been for Mom already being a member and taking me with her.

Simply put I guess I will never get over the urge to eat a cupcake. I have to do this forever and make the choices that are best for me every single day. It doesn’t actually mean that I will always pick the healthiest option. Sometimes I don’t. And that is okay. This weekend is my brother in laws graduation party and there will be cheesecake and I am pretty certain I won’t be able to resist some of the tasty foods that will be spread about. And that is going to have to be okay with me. Because that is just life. I don’t want to live a life where cheesecake and cupcakes are completely off limits. Because I know in my heart I WON’T live a life like that and if I don’t allow for them and still keep going then ultimately I will fail at this like I have every previous time.

Don’t think because I have conquered my weight for now that I don’t still live the same internal struggle that all fat girls do. And sometimes my fat girl just wins out, plain and simple. Hello M&M’s and sweet tarts. And yes, my Friday night dinners that usually involve alcoholic sugary mixed drink concoctions.

Tonight I gym it once again. However since this is Day 5 in a row of workouts I’m going to say it should be a lighter workout. Of course I am going to be doing some classes so I am not entirely in control of it all. I am excited to get in some dumbbell fit and cardio strength classes tonight. Should be a good time. I will not run. I ran a 5k last night in 29 minutes. Good enough for me. Then I did 2o minutes on the row machine and then about 30 minutes of weight stuff. I had a great workout, burned 750 calories and that was good enough for me. Tonight is classes and then Thursday night will be rest day; finally :)