Here’s the deal, I was checking the Run Disney website last night for the hell of it and it turns out that the Disneyland half marathon is set for August 29-August 30, 2014. And that registration will open for it in January 2014 sometime and they will send out an email. I signed up to get the email, but now that I know registration opens in January I will definitely be on the lookout in Jan to sign up. I started reading a little more and it turns out that you can run the 10k on Saturday AND the half marathon on Sunday and then sign up for the Dumbo Double Dare challenge which is basically saying that you are running them both and get another medal. So 3 medals, two challenges and instantly my brain was like, Challenged Accepted. I don’t ever think I will get over How I Met Your Mother and those classic lines, they will live with me forever. So yes, Challenge Accepted. It instantly put a little bit of a scared feeling in my tummy running both a 10k one day AND a half the next but that is what I love, if it makes you a little scared but you want to do it, you probably should do it, right?
If I am going to spend all the money and time and fly to Disney to run I might as well go for the gusto and come home with 3 medals, no matter what the cost and yes, there will be a stupid cost considering these races aren’t cheap. But yes, the truest sign that this is probably something you want to do. Even now, having the Run Disney screen open on the other page of my computer monitor and I see it, I literally have to fight back tears in my eyes, I want it so bad. I get giddy and shaky and tearful just thinking about what that would actually mean to me to accomplish something like that. I can’t even put into words why it would mean so much to me. I really don’t know why, but every time I even think about it I cry. That probably means this is something I have to do, come hell or high water, because it is THAT important to me. I don’t have the words to possibly being to articulate how important this is. I think it’s much like the ridiculous combination of importance I placed on going to Vegas to see Pink last February. For whatever reason this just symbolizes something life altering for me.
I have always loved Disney. I am a giant Disney kid at heart. After my dad died my entire family which just consisted of my mom, my 3 sisters and my one brother in law at the time, went to Disneyland together for the first time as a kind of celebration. Basically we had all always wanted to go but my dad was too afraid of his weight to ever go. It was a great time and I fell in love with it. But I was very overweight. You’ve seen the pictures. After that, we went once again as a family, this time with an expanded family of my niece and another future brother in law. I was still fat. And then 2 years ago, the ENTIRE family went, all 10 of us, Chris included and we had an amazing time. I was still fat. Get the point. I have fluctuated my weight for 10 years but it always seemed that I could never make it to Disneyland healthy and active. I was always overweight and out of breath the entire time, thinking it would have been such a more enjoyable experience if I were in better shape.
Of course couple this with all the emotion I have wrapped up in running and my own self-doubt of being an actual runner and you’ve got a recipe for massive tears my friends. And yes, just looking at the Run Disney website and thinking about that accomplishment brings these feelings bubbling up in side of me. Like I know, that after having accomplished that, and starring at my Disney medals that they will be something I will cherish for my entire life. I don’t know what it is about Disney but for some reason it’s just that crazy important to me. I guess it’s because it is the pinnacle of races in my eyes. The cream of the crop and that is what I want to be. That is where I never really allowed myself to believe I could be. That was something that other people did and accomplished, certainly not me.
So as I stare at the screen I know in my heart that I have to make this happen. That just signing up for the race in January will be a big first step for me. And that come hell or high water, this girl is going to be in Disneyland August 29 & 30, 2014 to run. And guess what, I won’t be fat. I will finally accomplish a 10 year goal of going to Disneyland and not being fat. Seriously, maybe that is what it is. When we went to Disneyland the first time it was BEFORE I ever started weight watchers. It was before I ever attempted to lose weight and start down this path. And I promised myself somewhere in the back of my head on that very trip that someday I would come back to Disneyland and be healthy and thin. I think it’s because that very first trip my sister was thin and with her husband, my brother in law, and they took all these cute pictures together, and there I was this 23 year old FAT lonely girl who wanted that. And that image has stuck with me for 10 plus years. And for some reason it was always out of my grasps. Sure, I went back to Disneyland after that and I even brought my husband with me and took pictures (they were not cute photos, they were of a sad overweight woman who did not care one bit how she looked and her husband whom I felt for sorry for because he was holding hands with this woman who he didn’t belong with) You can see the photos somewhere on this blog as proof. I posted them right before I went to Maui in June of this year.
Anyway, in the back of my mind I kind of had this promise to myself that someday I would do Disney as I first envisioned it as a bright eyed, sad lonely 23 year old. And I’ve failed to realize this dream in the subsequent 11 years. Maybe this is the reason that tears come to my eyes when I think of running Disney. Because not only am I blowing my dream of going to Disney thin out of the water, but I’m topping it with something I could not have even imagined at 23, I am going to run. I am going to Run Disney. That is beyond even what I thought possible when I first walked onto what would become hollowed Disney ground for me.
Do you know what else I love? I love that I am so confident in myself and in my knowledge that this is it for me that I am not even batting an eye about signing up and paying hundreds of dollars to run races the end of August of next year. It hasn’t even crossed my mind that I would not be able to do it. I am that resolved that this is my lifestyle and therefor in August of 2014 I would be 100% ready and able to crush this dream I’ve secretly, privately kept guarded in my heart for over 10 years. I think that is why I am so freaking emotional over it.
It’s not like that will be the first half marathon I have ever run. In fact by August of 2014 I suspect I will have lots of races under my belt, but it might very well become the most significant race of my life for me because of all the emotional baggage that I think it will erase for me. 11 years is a long time to carry around scars you didn’t even know existed. I have a lot of feelings of self-doubt and anger wrapped up into that. I have weird feelings of my dad mixed in there, with feelings of sadness and loneliness and feelings of failure because despite having lost weight many times in 10 years, I never was able to walk into Disneyland anything less than like 190 pounds or so. That’s just a guess. Last time was clearly around my 220 pound mark.
I think in some ways, as much as I adore Disney and would never associate it with anything negative, it does have a certain connotation in my head of failure for me. It represents one of the failures of my life that I have lived with for 11 years and I’d love to change that image. It would be an amazing relief to me to blow past my simple goal of being thinner when I go there and crush it by running a half marathon.
I wish I could put onto paper the intensity or fire I am feeling right now and how much this is affecting me thinking about this. It’s passion. I have so much passion. I have talked about that before, but I wish I could express to you this minute how much I am literally changing and growing this very second realizing how significant and important this race is to me. Finally unlocking the mystery of why I get tears in my eyes when I think about running in Disneyland is profound to me. I get it. I am finally seeing why it is so fundamentally important to me. Thank you blog for allowing me to journal out my feelings live as I am exploring what is really going on inside of me.
The written word is one of my best therapies (aside from running of course!) and it allows me to talk out what is going on. This is exactly why I blog, right here, right now, today. This blog entry makes me think it’s all worthwhile because I can discover things about me that I long bury and suppress and fully explore things like why I start to cry every time the topic of running Disney comes up.
I have somehow managed to associate Disneyland, a place I love to its core with this concept of my greatest failure in life. My inability to love myself enough, consistently enough to maintain my health and fitness. And running Disney proves that I have finally really changed. That is how much significance I have placed on it. Insane how our brains work so twistedly at times and how it can take such a long time for us to open up our eyes and see what is really going on.
I am going to run that race because it means that much to me, and I am going to proudly wear that finishers medal around my neck and take a photo and that is going to be one of the greatest proudest moments of my life; something I will treasure forever. Because I finally believe in myself and can erase a small part of my past mistakes. It’s my do-over in life and I am so ready for that. Crossing that finish line will be like getting a second chance to experience Disney the way I envisioned as a naïve overweight 23 year old. I can only imagine how freeing that is going to finally feel.
I truly had no idea when I started this journey a year ago that I would end up exactly where I am today. It never occurred to me that I’d be sitting here writing about running in Disneyland. This is so ridiculously exciting and gives me so much hope for what else is out there that I haven’t even begun to think of yet. In a years’ time what am I going to be writing about that I couldn’t envision right now? That is exhilarating. I am so proud of the bravery I have learned to embrace and the belief in myself that I can do these things.
I have no doubt that in years’ time from now I will still be at this and journaling this entire journey. I just have that much faith in myself now. And that is such an amazing thing!
Friday, October 11, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Strong Workout
I have to say by the time 5:00 hit yesterday and I was leaving work I had pretty much talked myself into being scared for my training session. I guess it’s refreshing to know that even I can still get worried and nervous about performing. It means that my training sessions are obviously hard and something that at times I am afraid of and therefore probably worth the money right? I was so tired yesterday and there was no way on my own I would have pushed myself like my trainer did yesterday. And boy it was another crazy one. And then after I got home, hours later, I felt so ridiculously amazing and alive that it was all completely worth it. That cloud 9 feeling of having just kicked some serious ass, that is just priceless. Or else the going rate is about $34 for a ½ hour session actually if you want to be technical about it.
I was majorly dreading having to work my tired sore body parts but here’s the thing. When I got to the gym I was immediately greeted by the smiling face of my favorite class instructor/friend Amanda. Not my trainer but a good friend anyway. She came over to me and we started talking. A few minutes later we were joined by the other instructor trainer Mary and then all 3 of us were just standing there talking like friends and about fitness and the classes and kicking ass and I had a moment where I had the most genuine smile on my face. I am obviously more than just another random gym-goer or client. I am an equal, a friend and I can stand here and chat with them and that somehow made any physical pain I was feeling take a back seat.
My trainer told me that she was stalking me on Facebook, which I love and appreciate and saw that I posted about loving Amanda’s barbell workouts that she kills me with in classes so she said today was going to be a hard barbell workout. I was like, cool, awesome! I like that my trainer cares enough to stalk me on Facebook and make mental note of things like my love of barbell workouts. So she said we would be doing legs and then arms. I could handle a little legs if I knew there was end. However, as I could have expected nothing is easy.
Grabbed a 30 pound barbell and then I proceeded to do leg lunges across the distance of the gym and then at the end of the gym stopped and did 15 squats. I then had to hold the barbell directly above my head and walk up a flight of stairs, across the treadmill upstairs area and then back down the flight of stairs with the barbell above my head. We did this sequence 3 times and it was rough. I was VERY glad to set that barbell down upon completion. However all that meant was it was arm time. She went and assembled a 25 pound barbell for me and we moved onto bicep curls and then isolated bicep curls and then overhead presses where she quickly realized that 25 pounds felt like nothing to me and therefore we had to up the press to 50 pounds. Which WAS brutal. Then we did tricep dips and barbell pulls. It was fairly intense and my arms were on fire and then we did it all again. Shocking. And then again. I get my money’s worth I honestly believe that. For the simple fact that I would never on my own pick up a 50 pound barbell and attempt to press it. This is something that only my trainer would think I could handle and I really could. So I guess that tells you that you could always push yourself a little more. It’s worth the money to have that feeling of accomplishment and someone pushing you beyond your own preconceived limits.
As per typical Julie, my trainer, told me that I am a beast and one of two clients that she has that just do everything and push beyond it all. That she has no idea how we do it, but we just keep going. Also she told me I am so strong, that I am lifting a lot of weight and its super impressive to her. She is a tiny woman, like 110 pound tiny, and said that I am definitely stronger than her. I also think that part of the $34 weekly fee is being paid for the motivational support as well. The emotional positive reinforcement I get is pretty golden as well.
After personal training I was high on life and quickly jumped into a cardio core class which primarily focused on core work obviously. And then thereafter I did Turbo kick. Solid 1 ½ of work. After it was all over, just because I wasn’t quite done yet and I kind of wanted to decompress I spent approximately another 15-20 minutes doing some stuff. A few sit ups, a few arm presses and then I called it good and headed home. Where I became crazy hungry. Not shocking. I just keep eating, all the time. I feel like I am constantly eating. I can honestly say my eating habits are drastically different nowadays than when I ever tried to lose weight. I certainly am not trying to lose weight with the eating habits I have, but honestly I am seriously hungry all the time. I am not used to this feeling honestly. Mostly when I ever ate before it was because I was bored or depressed or some other emotion having very little to do with actual hunger pains. I assure you it is because my body is literally eating itself up I am so hungry these days.
When I got home I literally felt so amazing it wasn’t even funny. I felt alive and proud and accomplished and like I kicked some serious ass at the gym. Strong. I felt amazingly strong. Basically whenever I feel this incredible high it makes me want to focus harder and more intently on my health and nutrition but of course there really isn’t much more I can do than I already do. Aside from eat cleaner I suppose. I really need to consider a much “cleaner” diet. I try and all things considered I eat really healthy but here is still lots of room for improvement.
Tonight I will push thru one more gym workout. I have a 5:30 class with my girl Amanda that is going to kick my ass and then I will put in another 30-45 minutes in the gym doing something. This most likely depends on what body parts present themselves as too sore to use and of course how I feel after my class. My body is in need of a night off, but that is tomorrow night. Friday night is my rest day. One more night, night 6 in a row and then I get to rest before I start a new workout week on Saturday morning with a 9 AM turbo kick class. I honestly love my fitness life and wouldn’t have it any other way because it makes me feel so good and alive the rest of my life.
Even though I really don’t have too many plans for the weekend I am still pretty much looking forward to it. So glad its Thursday already. And do you know what, in 10 days I get to go to Seattle and be in the front pit area and see Pink up close. I can’t believe that is already here and happening. And yes, I am so ridiculously excited. 10 days from today. AMAZING!!!
I guess that is about all I have for today, some days I am just a boring old girl writing about my workouts and nothing much else. But I guess that really is all that is going on for me and that is okay. I can leave the drama for another day.
I was majorly dreading having to work my tired sore body parts but here’s the thing. When I got to the gym I was immediately greeted by the smiling face of my favorite class instructor/friend Amanda. Not my trainer but a good friend anyway. She came over to me and we started talking. A few minutes later we were joined by the other instructor trainer Mary and then all 3 of us were just standing there talking like friends and about fitness and the classes and kicking ass and I had a moment where I had the most genuine smile on my face. I am obviously more than just another random gym-goer or client. I am an equal, a friend and I can stand here and chat with them and that somehow made any physical pain I was feeling take a back seat.
My trainer told me that she was stalking me on Facebook, which I love and appreciate and saw that I posted about loving Amanda’s barbell workouts that she kills me with in classes so she said today was going to be a hard barbell workout. I was like, cool, awesome! I like that my trainer cares enough to stalk me on Facebook and make mental note of things like my love of barbell workouts. So she said we would be doing legs and then arms. I could handle a little legs if I knew there was end. However, as I could have expected nothing is easy.
Grabbed a 30 pound barbell and then I proceeded to do leg lunges across the distance of the gym and then at the end of the gym stopped and did 15 squats. I then had to hold the barbell directly above my head and walk up a flight of stairs, across the treadmill upstairs area and then back down the flight of stairs with the barbell above my head. We did this sequence 3 times and it was rough. I was VERY glad to set that barbell down upon completion. However all that meant was it was arm time. She went and assembled a 25 pound barbell for me and we moved onto bicep curls and then isolated bicep curls and then overhead presses where she quickly realized that 25 pounds felt like nothing to me and therefore we had to up the press to 50 pounds. Which WAS brutal. Then we did tricep dips and barbell pulls. It was fairly intense and my arms were on fire and then we did it all again. Shocking. And then again. I get my money’s worth I honestly believe that. For the simple fact that I would never on my own pick up a 50 pound barbell and attempt to press it. This is something that only my trainer would think I could handle and I really could. So I guess that tells you that you could always push yourself a little more. It’s worth the money to have that feeling of accomplishment and someone pushing you beyond your own preconceived limits.
As per typical Julie, my trainer, told me that I am a beast and one of two clients that she has that just do everything and push beyond it all. That she has no idea how we do it, but we just keep going. Also she told me I am so strong, that I am lifting a lot of weight and its super impressive to her. She is a tiny woman, like 110 pound tiny, and said that I am definitely stronger than her. I also think that part of the $34 weekly fee is being paid for the motivational support as well. The emotional positive reinforcement I get is pretty golden as well.
After personal training I was high on life and quickly jumped into a cardio core class which primarily focused on core work obviously. And then thereafter I did Turbo kick. Solid 1 ½ of work. After it was all over, just because I wasn’t quite done yet and I kind of wanted to decompress I spent approximately another 15-20 minutes doing some stuff. A few sit ups, a few arm presses and then I called it good and headed home. Where I became crazy hungry. Not shocking. I just keep eating, all the time. I feel like I am constantly eating. I can honestly say my eating habits are drastically different nowadays than when I ever tried to lose weight. I certainly am not trying to lose weight with the eating habits I have, but honestly I am seriously hungry all the time. I am not used to this feeling honestly. Mostly when I ever ate before it was because I was bored or depressed or some other emotion having very little to do with actual hunger pains. I assure you it is because my body is literally eating itself up I am so hungry these days.
When I got home I literally felt so amazing it wasn’t even funny. I felt alive and proud and accomplished and like I kicked some serious ass at the gym. Strong. I felt amazingly strong. Basically whenever I feel this incredible high it makes me want to focus harder and more intently on my health and nutrition but of course there really isn’t much more I can do than I already do. Aside from eat cleaner I suppose. I really need to consider a much “cleaner” diet. I try and all things considered I eat really healthy but here is still lots of room for improvement.
Tonight I will push thru one more gym workout. I have a 5:30 class with my girl Amanda that is going to kick my ass and then I will put in another 30-45 minutes in the gym doing something. This most likely depends on what body parts present themselves as too sore to use and of course how I feel after my class. My body is in need of a night off, but that is tomorrow night. Friday night is my rest day. One more night, night 6 in a row and then I get to rest before I start a new workout week on Saturday morning with a 9 AM turbo kick class. I honestly love my fitness life and wouldn’t have it any other way because it makes me feel so good and alive the rest of my life.
Even though I really don’t have too many plans for the weekend I am still pretty much looking forward to it. So glad its Thursday already. And do you know what, in 10 days I get to go to Seattle and be in the front pit area and see Pink up close. I can’t believe that is already here and happening. And yes, I am so ridiculously excited. 10 days from today. AMAZING!!!
I guess that is about all I have for today, some days I am just a boring old girl writing about my workouts and nothing much else. But I guess that really is all that is going on for me and that is okay. I can leave the drama for another day.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Don't have all the answers
Yesterday I felt great, today I feel like shit. You know that is how the universe works, right? If you feel on top of the world one day odds are you will come crashing down the next. It’s not exactly like that, a total crash or anything, just an attitude shift that leaves me going, grrr… argh… (Also another Buffy reference) Anyhow Monday night’s gym session was killer, like crazy killer and I didn’t realize it until my legs were solidly on fire yesterday and then I did end up doing a ½ hour class which further put strain on my legs and therefore have left my entire lower body burning today.
What this all ultimately means is that because my personal training sessions have forever been moved to Wednesday nights at the request of my trainer, that tonight should be “interesting”. What I tend to notice is that when something really burns the irony of life is that this will most likely be the exact area we end up focusing on. We did core last week and arms the week prior so I’m guessing tonight is in fact going to be leg day which is going to be brutal. I can barely squat as it is but last night I noticed her training someone else in the gym and they were in fact doing squats across the gym. We don’t all always do the exact same thing but I do notice that she tends to focus the weekly workouts on the same things for people, which seems smart. Anyhow, putting all the clues together I am guessing I am in for some real awful leg torture this evening. We will see though.
I think I am generally just kind of sore all over so I’m not certain any area in particular is really going to be easy. Guess is, no matter what I do it’s going to be hard and I’m going to struggle, but no matter what it is, I am going to do it because that’s just what I do. This is exactly why we need personal trainers in our lives because I promise you this, there is zero way I would work as hard as I know she is going to make me work tonight on my own. I guess that’s why I pay her every week to kick my ass, even when my ass is sore and doesn’t want to.
This is where being obsessive compulsive really helps a girl out. This is the point when a normal less insane girl would probably go, nope, don’t go to the gym; reschedule with the trainer and take it easy. Not this girl. I do what I always do, which is leave work and head straight to the gym. This is my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Besides I have people to see, like the trainer girl who is my friend that I totally chat it up with on Facebook. We are buds now. Anyway, she was like, see you later tonight on Facebook this morning so I couldn’t possibly disappoint, right? This is what comes of establishing relationships at a gym, support and motivation. It’s really an amazing thing. Love the trainer girls who teach the classes that really have become my friends.
It’s funny because our minds can one day make us feel strong and confident and then with a flip of a switch another day we can feel like we have 20 pounds to lose. How do we see ourselves so vastly different varying on the day? It’s such a psychological mind-fuck. I teeter between 135-140 pounds pretty consistently for the past 4 months and clearly this is a weight that my body is comfortable at, where I get to eat foods I want within reason and enjoy my life while building muscle which should in theory be making me “appear” smaller. And usually I am as happy as a clam with this.
Then I had a moment last night where I looked in the mirror and was like, who am I kidding I need to lose like 15-20 pounds. I don’t know where this thought comes from. I really don’t. I don’t think I could be 120 pounds. I think what I probably am after is a more toned body and therefore it’s easy for our mind to go to a place of losing weight because this is how we’ve been programmed our whole lives. I think my disapproval was really in the saggy areas and the lack of tone I was seeing which doesn’t necessarily translate to needing to lose pounds as much as tighten up everything. How easy it still is for me to jump to the conclusion that simply losing another 15 pounds would solve my feelings of inadequacy in the mirror. I know that is not the case at all. If suddenly I were 15 pounds lighter my body would still not be as tight as I want. The only way to get more toned is to put in the time and effort and strength train. Basically, in a nut shell, keep doing exactly everything I am already doing. There is no quick fixes to this. There is just not a simple shortcut in life to anywhere worth going. Time has taught me that. All the quick fixes are just that simple instant fixes that don’t last because you didn’t properly earn them to begin with.
So I had to remind myself when looking in the mirror that simply losing more weight would not be the answer and would not solve the feeling of inadequacy I was presently feeling. That’s just my brains knee jerk reaction to bouts of body dysmorphic** thoughts.
**Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD, also known as body dysmorphia, dysmorphic syndrome; originally dysmorphophobia) is a chronic mental illness, a somatoform disorder, wherein the afflicted individual is concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical appearance. An individual with BDD has perpetual negative thoughts about their appearance; in the majority of cases, an individual suffering from BDD is obsessed with a minor or imagined flaw.[1][2][3] An afflicted individual thinks they have a defect in either one or several features of their body, which causes psychological and clinically significant distress or impairs occupational or social functioning.
I have to remind myself that being 135-140 pounds is perfectly healthy and acceptable for me and one should never try and compare themselves to anyone else. Especially 5 foot 7 girls who weigh 120 pounds. I sincerely do not think I would care what the scale said if I didn’t feel like all this loose skin was my nemesis. If I was tight and toned what would it really matter if the scale said 120 or 220. Seriously. It’s the most stupid fucking pointless number in the world. It can say whatever it wants to say but it does not define who you are. Only you get to decide how you are going to love yourself and the image you see in the mirror. That scale has far too much control on women in society as a whole. For the record I don’t even know what the scale says it has been weeks since I have gotten on it. No joke. I really don’t let the scale define me. Every so often I get an overwhelming feeling that I have to get on the thing because I somehow talk myself into believing that I am gaining weight based on the guilt I feel over my food choices. Up until now I have been wrong on every occasion. I always come in between 135-140 pounds. I don’t think right now would be any different.
My blanket observation that I need to lose 15-20 pounds comes from a different place of an inside feeling, nothing exterior. It’s good to take a deep breath and try to focus on the reality that this is an internal feeling completely independent of what is physically occurring in our bodies. This is a mental issue that is indicative of some other feeling I am having. I am trying to accept and understand these impulse feelings so that I can learn to not let them talk me into negative behaviors.
Weight loss is a very hard battle because it never ends. We can work so hard to get to a desired place, a magical goal if you will and ultimately I do think most everyone finds a certain element of dissatisfaction in the end result. We are never as perfect as we perceived that we would be when we made it to this magical goal land. I honestly believe that part of why so many woman gain weight back after working so hard to lose it is because ultimately we were not as satisfied with ourselves at our goal weights as we thought we would be. We didn’t suddenly turn into fit, rock hard, supermodels. Shocking I know. Therefore, the sense of working hard to maintain kind of goes out the window because we were never that satisfied to begin with.
If I had to explain in a nutshell why I feel this time is so vastly different for me and why suddenly it became a life changer after having gone to the gym, it is this… While certainly not perfect, my body is starting to finally match the mental image of what I had always wanted. I am not there yet and I get discouraged on occasion (thus last night), but it’s finally worth fighting for. The desired outcome is finally good enough, fit enough, and strong enough that it’s worth maintaining forever because the results are more in line with what I always desired my body to look like. That is completely because of the gym and strength training. I finally have hope that if I keep working hard the results will keep coming and that is worth fighting for to me.
It’s so easy to be discouraged when we reach goal and we still see all the problems in ourselves. We will always focus on the areas we are least satisfied with. That is human nature. Last night was just a good reminder of why I still am fighting working hard day in and day out, because while I am closer than I was yesterday, I don’t have this whole thing figured out just yet, and I certainly don’t have all the answers. In a nutshell, I am still just trying to figure out how to get this all right.
What this all ultimately means is that because my personal training sessions have forever been moved to Wednesday nights at the request of my trainer, that tonight should be “interesting”. What I tend to notice is that when something really burns the irony of life is that this will most likely be the exact area we end up focusing on. We did core last week and arms the week prior so I’m guessing tonight is in fact going to be leg day which is going to be brutal. I can barely squat as it is but last night I noticed her training someone else in the gym and they were in fact doing squats across the gym. We don’t all always do the exact same thing but I do notice that she tends to focus the weekly workouts on the same things for people, which seems smart. Anyhow, putting all the clues together I am guessing I am in for some real awful leg torture this evening. We will see though.
I think I am generally just kind of sore all over so I’m not certain any area in particular is really going to be easy. Guess is, no matter what I do it’s going to be hard and I’m going to struggle, but no matter what it is, I am going to do it because that’s just what I do. This is exactly why we need personal trainers in our lives because I promise you this, there is zero way I would work as hard as I know she is going to make me work tonight on my own. I guess that’s why I pay her every week to kick my ass, even when my ass is sore and doesn’t want to.
This is where being obsessive compulsive really helps a girl out. This is the point when a normal less insane girl would probably go, nope, don’t go to the gym; reschedule with the trainer and take it easy. Not this girl. I do what I always do, which is leave work and head straight to the gym. This is my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Besides I have people to see, like the trainer girl who is my friend that I totally chat it up with on Facebook. We are buds now. Anyway, she was like, see you later tonight on Facebook this morning so I couldn’t possibly disappoint, right? This is what comes of establishing relationships at a gym, support and motivation. It’s really an amazing thing. Love the trainer girls who teach the classes that really have become my friends.
It’s funny because our minds can one day make us feel strong and confident and then with a flip of a switch another day we can feel like we have 20 pounds to lose. How do we see ourselves so vastly different varying on the day? It’s such a psychological mind-fuck. I teeter between 135-140 pounds pretty consistently for the past 4 months and clearly this is a weight that my body is comfortable at, where I get to eat foods I want within reason and enjoy my life while building muscle which should in theory be making me “appear” smaller. And usually I am as happy as a clam with this.
Then I had a moment last night where I looked in the mirror and was like, who am I kidding I need to lose like 15-20 pounds. I don’t know where this thought comes from. I really don’t. I don’t think I could be 120 pounds. I think what I probably am after is a more toned body and therefore it’s easy for our mind to go to a place of losing weight because this is how we’ve been programmed our whole lives. I think my disapproval was really in the saggy areas and the lack of tone I was seeing which doesn’t necessarily translate to needing to lose pounds as much as tighten up everything. How easy it still is for me to jump to the conclusion that simply losing another 15 pounds would solve my feelings of inadequacy in the mirror. I know that is not the case at all. If suddenly I were 15 pounds lighter my body would still not be as tight as I want. The only way to get more toned is to put in the time and effort and strength train. Basically, in a nut shell, keep doing exactly everything I am already doing. There is no quick fixes to this. There is just not a simple shortcut in life to anywhere worth going. Time has taught me that. All the quick fixes are just that simple instant fixes that don’t last because you didn’t properly earn them to begin with.
So I had to remind myself when looking in the mirror that simply losing more weight would not be the answer and would not solve the feeling of inadequacy I was presently feeling. That’s just my brains knee jerk reaction to bouts of body dysmorphic** thoughts.
**Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD, also known as body dysmorphia, dysmorphic syndrome; originally dysmorphophobia) is a chronic mental illness, a somatoform disorder, wherein the afflicted individual is concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical appearance. An individual with BDD has perpetual negative thoughts about their appearance; in the majority of cases, an individual suffering from BDD is obsessed with a minor or imagined flaw.[1][2][3] An afflicted individual thinks they have a defect in either one or several features of their body, which causes psychological and clinically significant distress or impairs occupational or social functioning.
I have to remind myself that being 135-140 pounds is perfectly healthy and acceptable for me and one should never try and compare themselves to anyone else. Especially 5 foot 7 girls who weigh 120 pounds. I sincerely do not think I would care what the scale said if I didn’t feel like all this loose skin was my nemesis. If I was tight and toned what would it really matter if the scale said 120 or 220. Seriously. It’s the most stupid fucking pointless number in the world. It can say whatever it wants to say but it does not define who you are. Only you get to decide how you are going to love yourself and the image you see in the mirror. That scale has far too much control on women in society as a whole. For the record I don’t even know what the scale says it has been weeks since I have gotten on it. No joke. I really don’t let the scale define me. Every so often I get an overwhelming feeling that I have to get on the thing because I somehow talk myself into believing that I am gaining weight based on the guilt I feel over my food choices. Up until now I have been wrong on every occasion. I always come in between 135-140 pounds. I don’t think right now would be any different.
My blanket observation that I need to lose 15-20 pounds comes from a different place of an inside feeling, nothing exterior. It’s good to take a deep breath and try to focus on the reality that this is an internal feeling completely independent of what is physically occurring in our bodies. This is a mental issue that is indicative of some other feeling I am having. I am trying to accept and understand these impulse feelings so that I can learn to not let them talk me into negative behaviors.
Weight loss is a very hard battle because it never ends. We can work so hard to get to a desired place, a magical goal if you will and ultimately I do think most everyone finds a certain element of dissatisfaction in the end result. We are never as perfect as we perceived that we would be when we made it to this magical goal land. I honestly believe that part of why so many woman gain weight back after working so hard to lose it is because ultimately we were not as satisfied with ourselves at our goal weights as we thought we would be. We didn’t suddenly turn into fit, rock hard, supermodels. Shocking I know. Therefore, the sense of working hard to maintain kind of goes out the window because we were never that satisfied to begin with.
If I had to explain in a nutshell why I feel this time is so vastly different for me and why suddenly it became a life changer after having gone to the gym, it is this… While certainly not perfect, my body is starting to finally match the mental image of what I had always wanted. I am not there yet and I get discouraged on occasion (thus last night), but it’s finally worth fighting for. The desired outcome is finally good enough, fit enough, and strong enough that it’s worth maintaining forever because the results are more in line with what I always desired my body to look like. That is completely because of the gym and strength training. I finally have hope that if I keep working hard the results will keep coming and that is worth fighting for to me.
It’s so easy to be discouraged when we reach goal and we still see all the problems in ourselves. We will always focus on the areas we are least satisfied with. That is human nature. Last night was just a good reminder of why I still am fighting working hard day in and day out, because while I am closer than I was yesterday, I don’t have this whole thing figured out just yet, and I certainly don’t have all the answers. In a nutshell, I am still just trying to figure out how to get this all right.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Passion with a side of happy
Today I am feeling really passionate. Yes, some days my passion wavers, as everyone’s does, but today I am just bursting with excitement and desire and happiness. Those days where it’s almost like staring directly at the sun you are so damned motivated. Yup, that is me today. For no good reason I suppose other than I am just feeling so blessed and on track and I just love the life I am living so much. That sounds so ridiculous but I can’t help it. I am just genuinely to my core happy. And so excited and passionate about where I am headed.
I had an awesome workout last night despite having to leave the gym earlier than I normally do for therapy, I was at first weary of only getting in an hour workout, 2 classes. But they were amazing and kicked my ass and made me feel powerful and strong and amazing. The normal teacher was out sick and my favorite girl subbed and kicked ass. She is so ridiculously tough but that is obviously what I need. But while I was dying, dripping sweat and feeling my muscles being pushed to the point of fatigue, clearly something else amazing was happening. I was getting incredibly happy. That is probably the passionate, committed feeling that I have today. Direct result of a killer kick ass workout. I know there is a definite correlation between the two.
After my hour workout and after an hour of therapy, when I finally made it home last night I looked at myself in the mirror and just smiled because honest to God, I felt strong and proud of my muscles. And then I almost wanted to cry because I know that there has never been a time in my life where I looked like this. This is the image that I could only dream about but thought was never going to be me because I’ve lost weight so many times before and never looked like this. I honestly didn’t think I COULD look like this. And there she was, my mental image of a healthy strong Emily, starring back at me. Yes, I have more to go. I can always do more, but I am so proud of myself and what I’ve accomplished that it just gives me the fire to keep going stronger, harder.
I have this passion inside of me that has finally been fully released and it’s so damned cool to believe in yourself enough to try for the things you have always wanted. I don’t expect instant results but slowly every single day I continue to change and grow and it’s so rewarding. Today I just feel like I want to burst out and honestly push myself to the limits physically just to see what I can really do. Of course, I feel that way right now but I am sure by the time 5 or 5:30 hits and I actually get to the gym I will be tired and won’t feel like it.
I feel like there are certain roads that we travel down in life that suddenly without realizing it become deal breakers. Like once you go down this particular rabbit hole, there is just no going back. I’ve walked down a weight loss path many times in my life but always felt like the final step was missing, that when I got to the part where I had to take it to the next irreversible level, I turned around and went backwards. I stopped short of the deal breaker in the road. I honestly can equate it to your eyes suddenly being opened for the first time on a topic. How can you ever go backwards once you fully realize some fundamental truth? I never was able to fully realize it before but suddenly my entire world has been changed and there is just no way to ever turn back. It IS the deal breaker for me. I cannot unlearn all the things I have experienced the past 4 months and I wouldn’t want to.
I have learned how to live my life, on my terms and be the woman I’ve always wanted. I am at the point where I don’t stress about food. What??? You read that right, I pretty much eat healthy and don’t worry too much about it. I even, gasp, have a mixed drink or eat French fries on a weekend and it’s just not a big deal to me. I go out to dinner, I eat wheat thins with cream cheese when the mood strikes me and I move on. And you know what, my weight doesn’t really change, the image I see in the mirror doesn’t instantly show those less than stellar nutritional choices. And my brain mostly doesn’t punish myself. I get up and go to the gym and move on. I am thoroughly convinced this is how life is supposed to be lived.
Sure, we all have different goals and desires. For the body fitness models at my gym, they are ridiculously strict about everything but they have different goals. I just want to live my life, enjoy the foods that I love on occasion and be healthy and fit. I don’t need 8% body fat. It’s just not a driving motivator in my life. But healthy and strong is.
I learned a long time ago that I was never going to be that perfectly skinny girl. My body was never built that way. I have those child bearing hips, I have a larger frame in general, I am short. Plus the years of yo-yo dieting and abuse have left its toll in the form of loose skin, stretch marks, cellulite, all the little imperfections. It would be unrealistic to think I was ever going to be able to get my body perfectly thin. Losing weight thru running for the past 10 years left me with a less than ideal body. More loose skin than was necessary and pretty hollow at times. You know when a person losing too much weight but doesn’t really strength train, (I realize now that was the problem), they start to look gaunt and ghostly. I was not really happy with my image because sometimes I looked sick and of course it was way too hard to maintain. I cannot be perfect but I have discovered that I can be better than that. I can be healthy and strong.
I look at strong women and I get it now. I see what that is so much sexier than thin. Muscles are amazing gorgeous physical representations of courage and bravery and hard work. I can’t be “thin” but I can build amazing muscle and be strong and what do you know, that is so much better. I don’t know what exactly it is about strength training that makes me feel so confident. Running is my therapy, my head clearer, my joy. But strength training and tearing apart my muscles to rebuild them is rewarding in a way that I just can’t describe.
I promise you this, in another 8 months, when I have completed 1 whole year of personal training sessions and a year of strength training at the gym I am going to get some professional photos taken so I can always remember what I was able to accomplish on my own. I think maybe that is what it’s really all about, the ability to really do something that you thought was impossible. I guess I always believed that as a fat girl there was just no way I could be toned and build muscle, that I was always destined to be flabby and soft. It’s just not true. You just have to work for it. :)
I guess I am just feeling incredibly motivated to see where I can go with all of this. To see how far or how much I get my body to actually change. It’s a challenge and for some reason I rarely back down from challenges I present to myself. It’s like once you actually start to see changes you just don’t want to stop. I have really been feeling muscles want to come out that have never been there before. I am actually feeling some leg muscles in my quads for the first time ever, and of course those troublesome abs. I can feel “hard” in there. It just makes me want to work that much harder, but I know it’s a day in day out kind of thing. Nothing worth having was ever achieved without effort. I actually have a wooden box sign of that saying sitting on my living room shelf. You have to put the work in to get the results.
Someday I am going to look in the mirror and not recognize the girl I have become and I can’t wait until that day!
I had an awesome workout last night despite having to leave the gym earlier than I normally do for therapy, I was at first weary of only getting in an hour workout, 2 classes. But they were amazing and kicked my ass and made me feel powerful and strong and amazing. The normal teacher was out sick and my favorite girl subbed and kicked ass. She is so ridiculously tough but that is obviously what I need. But while I was dying, dripping sweat and feeling my muscles being pushed to the point of fatigue, clearly something else amazing was happening. I was getting incredibly happy. That is probably the passionate, committed feeling that I have today. Direct result of a killer kick ass workout. I know there is a definite correlation between the two.
After my hour workout and after an hour of therapy, when I finally made it home last night I looked at myself in the mirror and just smiled because honest to God, I felt strong and proud of my muscles. And then I almost wanted to cry because I know that there has never been a time in my life where I looked like this. This is the image that I could only dream about but thought was never going to be me because I’ve lost weight so many times before and never looked like this. I honestly didn’t think I COULD look like this. And there she was, my mental image of a healthy strong Emily, starring back at me. Yes, I have more to go. I can always do more, but I am so proud of myself and what I’ve accomplished that it just gives me the fire to keep going stronger, harder.
I have this passion inside of me that has finally been fully released and it’s so damned cool to believe in yourself enough to try for the things you have always wanted. I don’t expect instant results but slowly every single day I continue to change and grow and it’s so rewarding. Today I just feel like I want to burst out and honestly push myself to the limits physically just to see what I can really do. Of course, I feel that way right now but I am sure by the time 5 or 5:30 hits and I actually get to the gym I will be tired and won’t feel like it.
I feel like there are certain roads that we travel down in life that suddenly without realizing it become deal breakers. Like once you go down this particular rabbit hole, there is just no going back. I’ve walked down a weight loss path many times in my life but always felt like the final step was missing, that when I got to the part where I had to take it to the next irreversible level, I turned around and went backwards. I stopped short of the deal breaker in the road. I honestly can equate it to your eyes suddenly being opened for the first time on a topic. How can you ever go backwards once you fully realize some fundamental truth? I never was able to fully realize it before but suddenly my entire world has been changed and there is just no way to ever turn back. It IS the deal breaker for me. I cannot unlearn all the things I have experienced the past 4 months and I wouldn’t want to.
I have learned how to live my life, on my terms and be the woman I’ve always wanted. I am at the point where I don’t stress about food. What??? You read that right, I pretty much eat healthy and don’t worry too much about it. I even, gasp, have a mixed drink or eat French fries on a weekend and it’s just not a big deal to me. I go out to dinner, I eat wheat thins with cream cheese when the mood strikes me and I move on. And you know what, my weight doesn’t really change, the image I see in the mirror doesn’t instantly show those less than stellar nutritional choices. And my brain mostly doesn’t punish myself. I get up and go to the gym and move on. I am thoroughly convinced this is how life is supposed to be lived.
Sure, we all have different goals and desires. For the body fitness models at my gym, they are ridiculously strict about everything but they have different goals. I just want to live my life, enjoy the foods that I love on occasion and be healthy and fit. I don’t need 8% body fat. It’s just not a driving motivator in my life. But healthy and strong is.
I learned a long time ago that I was never going to be that perfectly skinny girl. My body was never built that way. I have those child bearing hips, I have a larger frame in general, I am short. Plus the years of yo-yo dieting and abuse have left its toll in the form of loose skin, stretch marks, cellulite, all the little imperfections. It would be unrealistic to think I was ever going to be able to get my body perfectly thin. Losing weight thru running for the past 10 years left me with a less than ideal body. More loose skin than was necessary and pretty hollow at times. You know when a person losing too much weight but doesn’t really strength train, (I realize now that was the problem), they start to look gaunt and ghostly. I was not really happy with my image because sometimes I looked sick and of course it was way too hard to maintain. I cannot be perfect but I have discovered that I can be better than that. I can be healthy and strong.
I look at strong women and I get it now. I see what that is so much sexier than thin. Muscles are amazing gorgeous physical representations of courage and bravery and hard work. I can’t be “thin” but I can build amazing muscle and be strong and what do you know, that is so much better. I don’t know what exactly it is about strength training that makes me feel so confident. Running is my therapy, my head clearer, my joy. But strength training and tearing apart my muscles to rebuild them is rewarding in a way that I just can’t describe.
I promise you this, in another 8 months, when I have completed 1 whole year of personal training sessions and a year of strength training at the gym I am going to get some professional photos taken so I can always remember what I was able to accomplish on my own. I think maybe that is what it’s really all about, the ability to really do something that you thought was impossible. I guess I always believed that as a fat girl there was just no way I could be toned and build muscle, that I was always destined to be flabby and soft. It’s just not true. You just have to work for it. :)
I guess I am just feeling incredibly motivated to see where I can go with all of this. To see how far or how much I get my body to actually change. It’s a challenge and for some reason I rarely back down from challenges I present to myself. It’s like once you actually start to see changes you just don’t want to stop. I have really been feeling muscles want to come out that have never been there before. I am actually feeling some leg muscles in my quads for the first time ever, and of course those troublesome abs. I can feel “hard” in there. It just makes me want to work that much harder, but I know it’s a day in day out kind of thing. Nothing worth having was ever achieved without effort. I actually have a wooden box sign of that saying sitting on my living room shelf. You have to put the work in to get the results.
Someday I am going to look in the mirror and not recognize the girl I have become and I can’t wait until that day!
Monday, October 7, 2013
Where do I go from here
Where do we go from here?
I know I have spoken from time to time of my great love for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I suspect it’s not a show a lot of people really took too seriously, but back in the day it just inspired and touched me on so many levels. Despite the obvious hunting vampires the show really was a metaphor for growing up and Buffy herself was right around my age and we seemed to literally be transitioning thru all the same life events at the same time. Plus she was the coolest most kick ass strong woman and I seriously had the biggest girl crush. You know the kind that are so profound that you follow the persons career and are in love with them forever simply because of a single character. That’s how I feel about Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Anyhow, one of the single best episodes was, “Once More with Feeling.” That was the name of the episode, it was their musical episode. The entire show was sung in musical style. It was amazing. Anyhow, at the end of the episode after the typical monster of the week was defeated, they sang one last song and the lyrics, like most of the lyrics from this entire episode, creep into my head all the time. It’s like years and years later and I still think about the lyrics to an episode of Buffy the vampire Slayer, how’s that for leaving an impact on you?
The song itself was all about okay, so we made it thru this little trivial incident (the baddie of the week in the buffy-verse) but the greater issue of what happens now still remains. Buffy was at a crossroads in her life at this time and trying to figure out what was next for her. Today I am reminded of moment as the lyrics play in my head… “Tell me, where do we go from here?”
It’s a great question I ponder a lot really. I have now officially crossed the year mark, which is pretty freaking huge for me. I am pretty certain this is only the second time in history that I have lasted over a year at staying healthy. Right now it seems so engrained in me, I don’t even think I could stop if I wanted to. My life is so tangled up in this world that it would be a big deal to suddenly stop. Perhaps that is the way it really is supposed to be. That is how you know it’s not a diet but a lifestyle. I feel like I was sitting around waiting for the magical year anniversary mark to pass and now it has and now I want to move forward somehow with something new. I of course am not certain what that is, other than to know that I am never again going to become complacent with doing what I’ve always done.
I somehow stupidly, naively perhaps believe in my heart, to my core, that I am really meant to do something else, something more with this passion I have inside of me. I have felt this way for some time now and I keep trying to figure out what that really means, but I know it’s in there. I know I have a lot more to give to myself and to those around me.
Here’s a true story that perhaps makes me look bad but I don’t really care. There is this young girl at the gym. She is probably like 23-24 somewhere in there. She’s nice and I like her, don’t get me wrong, we are now friends on Facebook, take all the same classes at the gym, etc. She maybe just seems slightly young and naïve to me. I try and just smile and nod at the things she says because I have learned over the last 10 years that I don’t need the constant validation in real life and I don’t need to go, “look at me, look at me.”
Anyhow, she is constantly posting on Facebook and saying in person to people basically how much she is committed to this healthy lifestyle and being fit and how strong she is and how much she can do, and constantly making slightly negative remarks. It kind of puts me off a little. Like statements that really seemed like backhanded slams to everyone around her who is not living a healthy lifestyle. The stuff I try VERY hard to be conscious of and avoid with my own family. I have lived all sides of the spectrum so I really do understand firsthand how hard it is to be overweight and how awful it is for skinny healthy people to act like it’s no big deal to eat well or exercise. It IS a big fucking deal and it IS hard for people. And you don’t need to make yourself feel better by putting other people down. I think that is just part of maturity.
Last night she posted a picture of her with her boyfriend at the gym and was like, “Robert’s first day back at the gym... ha ha... his little workout was my entire warmup... ha ha, he’s so weak.” Now maybe that is the kind of relationship they have with one another, but then it just seems slightly condescending to make yourself feel better by making him sound less than. Why not say, Robert’s first day back at the gym, let’s get working at this! Or something else positive not negative. I try very hard to not be negative.
Perhaps I’m overly sensitive to it because I have struggled my whole life with this. This is a girl who was like maybe 30 pounds overweight months ago and went to the gym and lost weight and now thinks she’s God’s gift to the fitness world. Always posting how she’s working out and you should be to, etc. One night she even posted something that actually got me to respond. She said, I just ran 8 miles in a row without stopping, how many miles can you run without stopping? Probably not that many. I kind of was offended honestly. That felt awful to me. I read the responses and a few people were like good job, I can run like 2 ha. Or ½ a mile. It was obviously designed to make her feel like she was VERY special for her accomplishment. I thought about why this bothered me. If she had simply said, I just ran 8 miles and I feel great, or I ran 8 miles, and I can’t wait to keep going, anything positive I would have responded back, that is awesome, congratulations. Running 8 miles is no joke. I think it is great but it was the very snarky way in which it was said, so I responded back snarky and I probably should not have, “That’s great, 8 miles awesome. I just ran a ½ marathon, so I guess 13.1 miles is how long I can run without stopping.” I didn’t like that it seems her intent was to make someone feel less adequate for not being able to run 8 miles in a row without stopping.
This is what I’ve learned in life; there will ALWAYS be someone who can do better than you. There will always be someone who isn’t as far along in their journey. Don’t judge or make anyone feel bad about their abilities. I guess I wanted her to know what running 8 miles is great and honestly if she’d left it at that I never would have said I ran 13.1 miles. But because she was almost daring the world because she thought no one could do better than her, I felt like I had to put her in her place. Are there TONS of people who can run more than my 13 miles, of course. I don’t think I am all that, but then again, I never challenged Facebook to better me. I would NEVER do such a thing. The answer will always be yes, someone can and does do more than you, ALWAYS.
I think the whole point of this entire story about this girl is this; she wants to be a trainer. She wants to inspire and help other people and that’s fine and dandy, I am sure she does, but she certainly would not be my cup of tea or motivation. With age comes wisdom right. This girl has no idea I weighed 220 pounds a year ago. She has no idea what it’s like to do this for 10 solid years. It changes you. This is her first attempt at losing 30 pounds total. It’s respectable and I don’t want to take any credit away from her. But perhaps she just can’t understand what it’s like for us “bigger” girls who have more weight to lose and have struggled up and down for quite a long time. It’s a whole different mind game. Those are the women I want to help. I see a very overweight woman and my heart breaks and I can’t help but have the urge to want to help them. The only time I ever feel compelled to actually share my story, aside from putting snarky bitches in their places, is when I see a very overweight woman struggling at the gym. I want to tell her that I understand, to hang in there, to stick with it, that I am your proof that it’s possible. Of course, I never do. I would never profess to think that anyone else would really care.
So back to my earlier question, where do I go from here? I may not entirely know, but I am getting more and more certain it involves helping other people in their own journeys, through positive reinforcement. It angers me to see women be so backhanded towards one another. There is no reason to ever tear someone else down to feel better about you. There is enough love and positivity in this world for everyone. I hate negativity disguised as something positive. I ran 8 miles, can you? Really???
And now it certainly sounds like I am judging this girl which is exactly what I was preaching against. Like I said, I actually like her and think she is mostly fine. I do just believe its youth and inexperience that sometimes leads to some of the things she says. I think her heart is in the right place. I do think she wants to help people. I just know that as an obese woman I would not take too kindly to someone trying to “help” me who didn’t really understand themselves what it was like to struggle. I think it’s a weird special little club that no one else is ever going to understand if you have like 50 or more pounds to lose. Just as it’s probably a special little club that I can only partially relate to if you have over 100 pounds to lose. There are certain challenges you will face at every major weight that honestly unless you’ve been there and lived it you aren’t going to understand.
Losing around 85 pounds is not easy and clearly you don’t have an extra 85 pounds to lose if you don’t have emotional eating and something deeper going on. I can respect and appreciate anyone who has 30 pounds or less to lose and it’s quite possible their journey is just as difficult for them, but it’s just not the same mental place as someone starring down large numbers.
I want to help other people. I want to someday be an inspiration to someone else. I want someone to go, because of you, and everything you’ve been thru I knew I couldn’t quit or give up. I knew I could do this. Now I just have to figure out how to get there.
I know I have spoken from time to time of my great love for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I suspect it’s not a show a lot of people really took too seriously, but back in the day it just inspired and touched me on so many levels. Despite the obvious hunting vampires the show really was a metaphor for growing up and Buffy herself was right around my age and we seemed to literally be transitioning thru all the same life events at the same time. Plus she was the coolest most kick ass strong woman and I seriously had the biggest girl crush. You know the kind that are so profound that you follow the persons career and are in love with them forever simply because of a single character. That’s how I feel about Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Anyhow, one of the single best episodes was, “Once More with Feeling.” That was the name of the episode, it was their musical episode. The entire show was sung in musical style. It was amazing. Anyhow, at the end of the episode after the typical monster of the week was defeated, they sang one last song and the lyrics, like most of the lyrics from this entire episode, creep into my head all the time. It’s like years and years later and I still think about the lyrics to an episode of Buffy the vampire Slayer, how’s that for leaving an impact on you?
The song itself was all about okay, so we made it thru this little trivial incident (the baddie of the week in the buffy-verse) but the greater issue of what happens now still remains. Buffy was at a crossroads in her life at this time and trying to figure out what was next for her. Today I am reminded of moment as the lyrics play in my head… “Tell me, where do we go from here?”
It’s a great question I ponder a lot really. I have now officially crossed the year mark, which is pretty freaking huge for me. I am pretty certain this is only the second time in history that I have lasted over a year at staying healthy. Right now it seems so engrained in me, I don’t even think I could stop if I wanted to. My life is so tangled up in this world that it would be a big deal to suddenly stop. Perhaps that is the way it really is supposed to be. That is how you know it’s not a diet but a lifestyle. I feel like I was sitting around waiting for the magical year anniversary mark to pass and now it has and now I want to move forward somehow with something new. I of course am not certain what that is, other than to know that I am never again going to become complacent with doing what I’ve always done.
I somehow stupidly, naively perhaps believe in my heart, to my core, that I am really meant to do something else, something more with this passion I have inside of me. I have felt this way for some time now and I keep trying to figure out what that really means, but I know it’s in there. I know I have a lot more to give to myself and to those around me.
Here’s a true story that perhaps makes me look bad but I don’t really care. There is this young girl at the gym. She is probably like 23-24 somewhere in there. She’s nice and I like her, don’t get me wrong, we are now friends on Facebook, take all the same classes at the gym, etc. She maybe just seems slightly young and naïve to me. I try and just smile and nod at the things she says because I have learned over the last 10 years that I don’t need the constant validation in real life and I don’t need to go, “look at me, look at me.”
Anyhow, she is constantly posting on Facebook and saying in person to people basically how much she is committed to this healthy lifestyle and being fit and how strong she is and how much she can do, and constantly making slightly negative remarks. It kind of puts me off a little. Like statements that really seemed like backhanded slams to everyone around her who is not living a healthy lifestyle. The stuff I try VERY hard to be conscious of and avoid with my own family. I have lived all sides of the spectrum so I really do understand firsthand how hard it is to be overweight and how awful it is for skinny healthy people to act like it’s no big deal to eat well or exercise. It IS a big fucking deal and it IS hard for people. And you don’t need to make yourself feel better by putting other people down. I think that is just part of maturity.
Last night she posted a picture of her with her boyfriend at the gym and was like, “Robert’s first day back at the gym... ha ha... his little workout was my entire warmup... ha ha, he’s so weak.” Now maybe that is the kind of relationship they have with one another, but then it just seems slightly condescending to make yourself feel better by making him sound less than. Why not say, Robert’s first day back at the gym, let’s get working at this! Or something else positive not negative. I try very hard to not be negative.
Perhaps I’m overly sensitive to it because I have struggled my whole life with this. This is a girl who was like maybe 30 pounds overweight months ago and went to the gym and lost weight and now thinks she’s God’s gift to the fitness world. Always posting how she’s working out and you should be to, etc. One night she even posted something that actually got me to respond. She said, I just ran 8 miles in a row without stopping, how many miles can you run without stopping? Probably not that many. I kind of was offended honestly. That felt awful to me. I read the responses and a few people were like good job, I can run like 2 ha. Or ½ a mile. It was obviously designed to make her feel like she was VERY special for her accomplishment. I thought about why this bothered me. If she had simply said, I just ran 8 miles and I feel great, or I ran 8 miles, and I can’t wait to keep going, anything positive I would have responded back, that is awesome, congratulations. Running 8 miles is no joke. I think it is great but it was the very snarky way in which it was said, so I responded back snarky and I probably should not have, “That’s great, 8 miles awesome. I just ran a ½ marathon, so I guess 13.1 miles is how long I can run without stopping.” I didn’t like that it seems her intent was to make someone feel less adequate for not being able to run 8 miles in a row without stopping.
This is what I’ve learned in life; there will ALWAYS be someone who can do better than you. There will always be someone who isn’t as far along in their journey. Don’t judge or make anyone feel bad about their abilities. I guess I wanted her to know what running 8 miles is great and honestly if she’d left it at that I never would have said I ran 13.1 miles. But because she was almost daring the world because she thought no one could do better than her, I felt like I had to put her in her place. Are there TONS of people who can run more than my 13 miles, of course. I don’t think I am all that, but then again, I never challenged Facebook to better me. I would NEVER do such a thing. The answer will always be yes, someone can and does do more than you, ALWAYS.
I think the whole point of this entire story about this girl is this; she wants to be a trainer. She wants to inspire and help other people and that’s fine and dandy, I am sure she does, but she certainly would not be my cup of tea or motivation. With age comes wisdom right. This girl has no idea I weighed 220 pounds a year ago. She has no idea what it’s like to do this for 10 solid years. It changes you. This is her first attempt at losing 30 pounds total. It’s respectable and I don’t want to take any credit away from her. But perhaps she just can’t understand what it’s like for us “bigger” girls who have more weight to lose and have struggled up and down for quite a long time. It’s a whole different mind game. Those are the women I want to help. I see a very overweight woman and my heart breaks and I can’t help but have the urge to want to help them. The only time I ever feel compelled to actually share my story, aside from putting snarky bitches in their places, is when I see a very overweight woman struggling at the gym. I want to tell her that I understand, to hang in there, to stick with it, that I am your proof that it’s possible. Of course, I never do. I would never profess to think that anyone else would really care.
So back to my earlier question, where do I go from here? I may not entirely know, but I am getting more and more certain it involves helping other people in their own journeys, through positive reinforcement. It angers me to see women be so backhanded towards one another. There is no reason to ever tear someone else down to feel better about you. There is enough love and positivity in this world for everyone. I hate negativity disguised as something positive. I ran 8 miles, can you? Really???
And now it certainly sounds like I am judging this girl which is exactly what I was preaching against. Like I said, I actually like her and think she is mostly fine. I do just believe its youth and inexperience that sometimes leads to some of the things she says. I think her heart is in the right place. I do think she wants to help people. I just know that as an obese woman I would not take too kindly to someone trying to “help” me who didn’t really understand themselves what it was like to struggle. I think it’s a weird special little club that no one else is ever going to understand if you have like 50 or more pounds to lose. Just as it’s probably a special little club that I can only partially relate to if you have over 100 pounds to lose. There are certain challenges you will face at every major weight that honestly unless you’ve been there and lived it you aren’t going to understand.
Losing around 85 pounds is not easy and clearly you don’t have an extra 85 pounds to lose if you don’t have emotional eating and something deeper going on. I can respect and appreciate anyone who has 30 pounds or less to lose and it’s quite possible their journey is just as difficult for them, but it’s just not the same mental place as someone starring down large numbers.
I want to help other people. I want to someday be an inspiration to someone else. I want someone to go, because of you, and everything you’ve been thru I knew I couldn’t quit or give up. I knew I could do this. Now I just have to figure out how to get there.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
A letter from the future
Greetings from the future,
A letter for Emily on October 5, 2012 from the future
Hello you. I come to you from the future… mwwhhhaa…. Okay, so that sounds so cryptic and stupid, but hey that’s just us and our corny personality that come out on occasion you know. I just wanted to make sure you really believed it was your future self writing this letter. I know today is the first day of a very long journey for you and you are scared. You are frightened and more than anything defeated. I am sure the real emotions haven’t even set in yet because they are shrouded with so much doubt that you aren’t even ready today to admit what is happening. I know, because hey, I am you. I know that today, October 5, 2012, you aren’t even 100% convinced that you want to do this. You aren’t even sure you CAN do this. You’ve spent a little too much of the past couple years failing pretty miserably at this and you are really starting to doubt that it’s even possible for you to get yourself back on track. I know you’re thinking that maybe your time has come and gone and whatever spark you had inside of you that made you successful before at this has come and gone? I know you feel this way because what once worked for you doesn’t work anymore, right?
Remember back to May of 2012 when you went into a weight watchers meeting and told yourself that this was it, you were doing this, and every previous attempt in your life this worked for you, but this time, for some reason it just didn’t work? Remember that awful feeling that you felt after quitting only 2 weeks in? I know you felt that maybe you just couldn’t do this anymore. I know today, as you start your morning and attempt to go thru this very first day eating healthy, that this failed attempt is in the back of your mind. You are doubting your conviction or ability to stick to this. It just seems so hard right? It seems so impossible to go from living the last 2 years of your life drowning your sorrows and feelings in food to going cold turkey and eating vegetables and fruits right? Who the hell wants to eat the good stuff and give up the bad stuff right? (Here’s a secret, YOU actually do want that, I promise you that)
I know today you aren’t even willing to admit to anyone what you are doing. I know that it will actually take you days before you want to exercise (and boy do I have a story to tell you about who you are going to become in a year’s time, but we’ll get to that). I know it will actually take you weeks before you can even admit out loud to the most important people in your life that you are trying this again. I know you’re embarrassed and ashamed of what you’ve done to your body. I know you hide out in your house instead of going out in public for the simplest things because you are afraid of people judging you, but if you look a little deeper you’d probably realize it’s because you are judging yourself, am I right?
I know you recently had to go buy size 18/20 jeans and that scared the shit out of you and made you cry. I know you had a moment where you thought just fuck it, give in, and accept that genetics are against you and you will just spend the rest of your life fighting this awful disease (obesity is a disease) and that it’s just the way you were destined to be. I know right now, this very minute, you are safe guarding your heart by not wanting to believe it can be different, in case you fail. I know all your secrets. I really do. I know the mental games you play.
I also know how hard this is. I am not promising you it’s all smooth sailing, but I want you to smile today Emily because in 1 years’ time I can promise you this, you will get thru this, you will survive and you will be the woman you’ve always wanted to be. Did you hear me right, it really is so important it bears repeating, you WILL be the woman you’ve dreamed about.
I know this is the hardest step, I know this is the toughest time you’ve ever attempted to lose weight, that this one was really the big one on so many levels. You have failed at this process and you are scared to do it again and gain it back. You also are terrified of the scale. I know you can’t even weigh yourself can you? I know that you started eating healthy today but that it also took you a solid week of eating well before you actually felt confident enough to step on that scale where, spoiler alert, you will see 220 pounds. And that is AFTER a week of eating well. But that doesn’t really surprise you, does it? You knew it all along. You also knew that when you went to that weight watchers meeting in May of 2012 that you were like 226 pounds, the highest weight you have EVER weighed, like EVER. So 220 doesn’t really shock you does it? But I’m also here to tell you, it doesn’t destroy or define you either. It was only a number. And for some crazy reason this time your brain didn’t get too obsessed over that number. Something inside of you is changing.
I believe that all of our previous failures at this and the two year span prior to this day, struggling, failing, were all necessary to make you the woman you are today on Oct. 5, 2012 finally ready to do this. And you are ready. Please don’t doubt that. Today, you are more ready than every previous attempt rolled into one. Your doubt is evident but underneath it is a true champion. That fighter you’ve always been. She’s still in there, buried by piles of fat, but she’s in there. She’s honestly kind of waiting to burst out, like for real this time.
I am sure you don’t believe me, but in a year you are going to refer to today, this moment as “the big one”. This one simple little decision to eat good for just today has this ripple affect so far reaching on your life that you are going to cry realizing it a year later. It’s the seemingly small moments that can sometimes change us the most. Today is certainly one of those days.
In the months to come, you are going to doubt yourself, you are going to love yourself, you are going to realize that you are more important than the number on the scale and you are going to succeed because somehow, for some crazy reason, this time really was different. But you kind of knew that all along anyway. You spend the first 2 months, quietly establishing your footing back in this world of eating clean and healthy and exercise. I promise you that your love of running is very real and still very much exists. It doesn’t take you too long to feel that runner’s high and after about a month or two you are back to running for an hour a night and loving it. Despite your size you can run.
After two months you remember that part of your true success has always revolved around blogging your struggles and out of nowhere for no good reason you quietly pen your first post 2 months to the day on December 5, 2012 on your blog. You are certain there is not a soul in the world who is going to read it but it wasn’t for them anyway. It was for you. So you blog about the reality that you had gained a bunch of weight and you were returning to this land, not really even understanding what that fully meant at this point. But hey, you are 21 pounds down. You heard me right, stick with it. 21 pounds in 2 months and you are actually pretty happy.
That’s the thing, you were relatively happy pretty much this entire journey for some crazy reason. For certain there were days of struggle and massive self-doubt, but more often than not you found yourself learning to truly embrace your changes and love the little things day in and day out. With age comes wisdom and somehow embarking down this journey as a 33 year old woman was vastly different than the 23 year old girl you were the first time around. The 10 years have proven to be a blessing in disguise because I promise you this, for the very first time you were doing this the correct way.
I vastly remember the early days where you’d catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and wonder if change really was occurring, but I promise you, it will happen. And like every previous time before, when you finally really decided to change; you do. That probably would not be shocking to you to read. The more shocking part is this; you love yourself and your body more now than you have EVER in your entire life.
Eight months later you achieved your weight loss goal and the scale technically said what you wanted it to say. Mission accomplished right? Unfortunately I am here to tell you, wrong. Because while you sit here on October 5, 2012 reading this message from beyond I am certain you believed that was the ultimate end goal. What this entire journey has taught you, finally, is that there simply is no end goal. Do you even want to know what happened after 8 months of this?
That little voice inside of you, that one who makes you a champion; the one who is your inner athlete, your warrior, she was starting to make herself heard. I know you know what voice I’m talking about because you’ve had run in’s with her before in your life you’ve had brief moments of introduction to one another. But something always got in your way of fully finding her. She danced with the devil so to speak and you have always lost; until now. The thing is Emily, all those strong amazing women you’ve admired your entire life, you are becoming one of them. You’re journey, after 8 months brought you to exactly the same place you’ve been to many times. That place of; I’m at goal, what now? Where do I go from here? While you toyed with alternate choices in the past, ultimately you settled for the tried and true path. You know what I’m talking about.
After 8 months of running your ass off, literally, you knew something different had to be done to get the different results for yourself. But all along during this process you know this time really is different. You spend month after month consistently blogging about your journey and your weight loss and eventually realize that you are not alone. Remember that first post, certain no one was reading, turns out someone was reading this. Turns out quite a few people were reading this. And somehow that kept you going too.
So standing at that crossroad, inner fighter rearing to go, flirting with escape, you made a different choice. A remarkably brave choice for you. You are so much braver than you’ve ever thought. The path you have walked the last four months of this journey have been life changing; so much so, that their simply is no longer any chance that you will EVER go back to your old life. Your strong woman; your inner athlete, your warrior escaped full force with such conviction that there is no way to ever tame her again.
At some point during this journey you will wake up one morning and realize that you are now a member of a club that seemed completely out of reach to you. You are truly an athlete who champions physical fitness and health and well-being above all else. All the cliques have become true for you, it is not about being skinny or thin, it’s about being healthy and strong.
I know today, on this very day, where you take the first steps towards this future woman it’s hard to imagine exactly what I’m talking about. I am certain that you will have no idea what you will eventually come to look like. Physically you have never looked like this, but what is so much more important is that mentally, emotionally, fundamentally on the inside you have never been this beautiful. You won’t believe what you will accomplish in one year’s time. If only I could give you some idea of what a difference a single year could make I doubt you’d be as anxious today as you really are. If you could really read this letter from your future self, aside from the obvious breach of the time and space continuum which would most likely result in the damnation of existence, I hope you’d find the calm peace that you now have.
One day Emily, you will wake up happier than you ever knew possible because you love yourself. You love yourself to get out of your own way. You’ve figured out one of the biggest road blocks to your own happiness was the ones you put in front of you. You’re done with that now. Do you know what else you did in one year’s time, you ran a half marathon? Like outside, in public… And guess what, you weren’t really embarrassed or ashamed or really self-conscious. Guess what else you did, you signed up to go to Vegas to run another one, with even more people, in a place that has historically made you the most self-conscious you’ve ever been in your whole life.
If only there was some way to hold your hand today, when you take these first steps towards this future woman you will be, just a year later, I would tell you how eternally grateful I am to you. That as brave and strong as I feel today, that really you were the brave and strong one. Even though I know today you don’t feel it at all, you are braver and stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for. Thank you for taking this step today because without you today, I could not be me today. You made this happen. You really started getting out of your own way a whole year ago when you let go enough and decided that today was going to be different. You put the wheels into motion on what was to come. You are the single reason that we are who we are today, a whole year later.
If I could give you this letter for real, I have to say that I am not certain I would because you probably needed to learn every single one of these lessons for yourself. On second thought, here is my real letter to my past self,
Dear Em,
Thank you. You don’t know it yet but our lives are about to change drastically and I couldn’t be more proud of you today. Hang in there. Everything you ever wanted is within your grasp. Just love yourself.
Love- your future self
Short, simple, direct. I am certain any version of me would not believe I’d write so little and therefore completely disregard the note as being authentic but you get the idea.
Oh one year old self, we’ve come a long way baby. I just don’t have enough words to thank you for your bravery and your dedication. You are a role model, you are my role model. There are many days when I think back to you, that very girl you are today and try to muster enough as much strength as it took you to do what you decided to do. She is the girl I admire, the one who was facing these seemingly insurmountable odds and went for it nonetheless. She is the girl I never want to forget.
On this one year anniversary of you, I am proud of the woman you have become and the possibilities for our shared future. We are going to do amazing things, I can feel it.
All my love;
Your very happy future self
A letter for Emily on October 5, 2012 from the future
Hello you. I come to you from the future… mwwhhhaa…. Okay, so that sounds so cryptic and stupid, but hey that’s just us and our corny personality that come out on occasion you know. I just wanted to make sure you really believed it was your future self writing this letter. I know today is the first day of a very long journey for you and you are scared. You are frightened and more than anything defeated. I am sure the real emotions haven’t even set in yet because they are shrouded with so much doubt that you aren’t even ready today to admit what is happening. I know, because hey, I am you. I know that today, October 5, 2012, you aren’t even 100% convinced that you want to do this. You aren’t even sure you CAN do this. You’ve spent a little too much of the past couple years failing pretty miserably at this and you are really starting to doubt that it’s even possible for you to get yourself back on track. I know you’re thinking that maybe your time has come and gone and whatever spark you had inside of you that made you successful before at this has come and gone? I know you feel this way because what once worked for you doesn’t work anymore, right?
Remember back to May of 2012 when you went into a weight watchers meeting and told yourself that this was it, you were doing this, and every previous attempt in your life this worked for you, but this time, for some reason it just didn’t work? Remember that awful feeling that you felt after quitting only 2 weeks in? I know you felt that maybe you just couldn’t do this anymore. I know today, as you start your morning and attempt to go thru this very first day eating healthy, that this failed attempt is in the back of your mind. You are doubting your conviction or ability to stick to this. It just seems so hard right? It seems so impossible to go from living the last 2 years of your life drowning your sorrows and feelings in food to going cold turkey and eating vegetables and fruits right? Who the hell wants to eat the good stuff and give up the bad stuff right? (Here’s a secret, YOU actually do want that, I promise you that)
I know today you aren’t even willing to admit to anyone what you are doing. I know that it will actually take you days before you want to exercise (and boy do I have a story to tell you about who you are going to become in a year’s time, but we’ll get to that). I know it will actually take you weeks before you can even admit out loud to the most important people in your life that you are trying this again. I know you’re embarrassed and ashamed of what you’ve done to your body. I know you hide out in your house instead of going out in public for the simplest things because you are afraid of people judging you, but if you look a little deeper you’d probably realize it’s because you are judging yourself, am I right?
I know you recently had to go buy size 18/20 jeans and that scared the shit out of you and made you cry. I know you had a moment where you thought just fuck it, give in, and accept that genetics are against you and you will just spend the rest of your life fighting this awful disease (obesity is a disease) and that it’s just the way you were destined to be. I know right now, this very minute, you are safe guarding your heart by not wanting to believe it can be different, in case you fail. I know all your secrets. I really do. I know the mental games you play.
I also know how hard this is. I am not promising you it’s all smooth sailing, but I want you to smile today Emily because in 1 years’ time I can promise you this, you will get thru this, you will survive and you will be the woman you’ve always wanted to be. Did you hear me right, it really is so important it bears repeating, you WILL be the woman you’ve dreamed about.
I know this is the hardest step, I know this is the toughest time you’ve ever attempted to lose weight, that this one was really the big one on so many levels. You have failed at this process and you are scared to do it again and gain it back. You also are terrified of the scale. I know you can’t even weigh yourself can you? I know that you started eating healthy today but that it also took you a solid week of eating well before you actually felt confident enough to step on that scale where, spoiler alert, you will see 220 pounds. And that is AFTER a week of eating well. But that doesn’t really surprise you, does it? You knew it all along. You also knew that when you went to that weight watchers meeting in May of 2012 that you were like 226 pounds, the highest weight you have EVER weighed, like EVER. So 220 doesn’t really shock you does it? But I’m also here to tell you, it doesn’t destroy or define you either. It was only a number. And for some crazy reason this time your brain didn’t get too obsessed over that number. Something inside of you is changing.
I believe that all of our previous failures at this and the two year span prior to this day, struggling, failing, were all necessary to make you the woman you are today on Oct. 5, 2012 finally ready to do this. And you are ready. Please don’t doubt that. Today, you are more ready than every previous attempt rolled into one. Your doubt is evident but underneath it is a true champion. That fighter you’ve always been. She’s still in there, buried by piles of fat, but she’s in there. She’s honestly kind of waiting to burst out, like for real this time.
I am sure you don’t believe me, but in a year you are going to refer to today, this moment as “the big one”. This one simple little decision to eat good for just today has this ripple affect so far reaching on your life that you are going to cry realizing it a year later. It’s the seemingly small moments that can sometimes change us the most. Today is certainly one of those days.
In the months to come, you are going to doubt yourself, you are going to love yourself, you are going to realize that you are more important than the number on the scale and you are going to succeed because somehow, for some crazy reason, this time really was different. But you kind of knew that all along anyway. You spend the first 2 months, quietly establishing your footing back in this world of eating clean and healthy and exercise. I promise you that your love of running is very real and still very much exists. It doesn’t take you too long to feel that runner’s high and after about a month or two you are back to running for an hour a night and loving it. Despite your size you can run.
After two months you remember that part of your true success has always revolved around blogging your struggles and out of nowhere for no good reason you quietly pen your first post 2 months to the day on December 5, 2012 on your blog. You are certain there is not a soul in the world who is going to read it but it wasn’t for them anyway. It was for you. So you blog about the reality that you had gained a bunch of weight and you were returning to this land, not really even understanding what that fully meant at this point. But hey, you are 21 pounds down. You heard me right, stick with it. 21 pounds in 2 months and you are actually pretty happy.
That’s the thing, you were relatively happy pretty much this entire journey for some crazy reason. For certain there were days of struggle and massive self-doubt, but more often than not you found yourself learning to truly embrace your changes and love the little things day in and day out. With age comes wisdom and somehow embarking down this journey as a 33 year old woman was vastly different than the 23 year old girl you were the first time around. The 10 years have proven to be a blessing in disguise because I promise you this, for the very first time you were doing this the correct way.
I vastly remember the early days where you’d catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and wonder if change really was occurring, but I promise you, it will happen. And like every previous time before, when you finally really decided to change; you do. That probably would not be shocking to you to read. The more shocking part is this; you love yourself and your body more now than you have EVER in your entire life.
Eight months later you achieved your weight loss goal and the scale technically said what you wanted it to say. Mission accomplished right? Unfortunately I am here to tell you, wrong. Because while you sit here on October 5, 2012 reading this message from beyond I am certain you believed that was the ultimate end goal. What this entire journey has taught you, finally, is that there simply is no end goal. Do you even want to know what happened after 8 months of this?
That little voice inside of you, that one who makes you a champion; the one who is your inner athlete, your warrior, she was starting to make herself heard. I know you know what voice I’m talking about because you’ve had run in’s with her before in your life you’ve had brief moments of introduction to one another. But something always got in your way of fully finding her. She danced with the devil so to speak and you have always lost; until now. The thing is Emily, all those strong amazing women you’ve admired your entire life, you are becoming one of them. You’re journey, after 8 months brought you to exactly the same place you’ve been to many times. That place of; I’m at goal, what now? Where do I go from here? While you toyed with alternate choices in the past, ultimately you settled for the tried and true path. You know what I’m talking about.
After 8 months of running your ass off, literally, you knew something different had to be done to get the different results for yourself. But all along during this process you know this time really is different. You spend month after month consistently blogging about your journey and your weight loss and eventually realize that you are not alone. Remember that first post, certain no one was reading, turns out someone was reading this. Turns out quite a few people were reading this. And somehow that kept you going too.
So standing at that crossroad, inner fighter rearing to go, flirting with escape, you made a different choice. A remarkably brave choice for you. You are so much braver than you’ve ever thought. The path you have walked the last four months of this journey have been life changing; so much so, that their simply is no longer any chance that you will EVER go back to your old life. Your strong woman; your inner athlete, your warrior escaped full force with such conviction that there is no way to ever tame her again.
At some point during this journey you will wake up one morning and realize that you are now a member of a club that seemed completely out of reach to you. You are truly an athlete who champions physical fitness and health and well-being above all else. All the cliques have become true for you, it is not about being skinny or thin, it’s about being healthy and strong.
I know today, on this very day, where you take the first steps towards this future woman it’s hard to imagine exactly what I’m talking about. I am certain that you will have no idea what you will eventually come to look like. Physically you have never looked like this, but what is so much more important is that mentally, emotionally, fundamentally on the inside you have never been this beautiful. You won’t believe what you will accomplish in one year’s time. If only I could give you some idea of what a difference a single year could make I doubt you’d be as anxious today as you really are. If you could really read this letter from your future self, aside from the obvious breach of the time and space continuum which would most likely result in the damnation of existence, I hope you’d find the calm peace that you now have.
One day Emily, you will wake up happier than you ever knew possible because you love yourself. You love yourself to get out of your own way. You’ve figured out one of the biggest road blocks to your own happiness was the ones you put in front of you. You’re done with that now. Do you know what else you did in one year’s time, you ran a half marathon? Like outside, in public… And guess what, you weren’t really embarrassed or ashamed or really self-conscious. Guess what else you did, you signed up to go to Vegas to run another one, with even more people, in a place that has historically made you the most self-conscious you’ve ever been in your whole life.
If only there was some way to hold your hand today, when you take these first steps towards this future woman you will be, just a year later, I would tell you how eternally grateful I am to you. That as brave and strong as I feel today, that really you were the brave and strong one. Even though I know today you don’t feel it at all, you are braver and stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for. Thank you for taking this step today because without you today, I could not be me today. You made this happen. You really started getting out of your own way a whole year ago when you let go enough and decided that today was going to be different. You put the wheels into motion on what was to come. You are the single reason that we are who we are today, a whole year later.
If I could give you this letter for real, I have to say that I am not certain I would because you probably needed to learn every single one of these lessons for yourself. On second thought, here is my real letter to my past self,
Dear Em,
Thank you. You don’t know it yet but our lives are about to change drastically and I couldn’t be more proud of you today. Hang in there. Everything you ever wanted is within your grasp. Just love yourself.
Love- your future self
Short, simple, direct. I am certain any version of me would not believe I’d write so little and therefore completely disregard the note as being authentic but you get the idea.
Oh one year old self, we’ve come a long way baby. I just don’t have enough words to thank you for your bravery and your dedication. You are a role model, you are my role model. There are many days when I think back to you, that very girl you are today and try to muster enough as much strength as it took you to do what you decided to do. She is the girl I admire, the one who was facing these seemingly insurmountable odds and went for it nonetheless. She is the girl I never want to forget.
On this one year anniversary of you, I am proud of the woman you have become and the possibilities for our shared future. We are going to do amazing things, I can feel it.
All my love;
Your very happy future self
Thursday, October 3, 2013
I ate the cupcake
So you know how the other day I mentioned my intense dream about eating a moist cupcake? Yeah, well the truth is, I’ve been thinking about cupcakes for a solid couple weeks now. Actually even more of a truth is after I ran my ½ marathon I desperately wanted a cupcake. After we had lunch with the fabulous Paige we headed home, but stopped at the mall first to get a couple things and I was like, dang-it, I just want a cupcake. We walked around an entire mall and could not find a place to sell me a delicious cupcake. I got a Jamba juice instead. Pretty much not the same thing at all.
I didn’t think much of it, but clearly, I’ve wanted cupcake for some time now. You see, I don’t crave chocolate, I don’t crave candy. But my one big weakness is cupcakes. I like moist vanilla type cakes. There is also a place in down town Salem called Twinsies Cupcakes that makes the most amazing moist perfect cupcakes. Yeah, you can tell I HAVE eaten them before. This is really the cupcake I have been craving, not the cheap ass grocery store variety.
After my intense dream the other night I knew it was time to eat one. I was going to wait until this weekend but then something came over me as I was running errands around town today and I found myself pulling into the cupcake place. I just couldn’t hold out any more. So for no good reason at all, other than, I haven’t been able to get it off my mind for weeks, I ate a cupcake today. And not a small mini one, oh no, it was a giant, probably 1000 calorie cupcake and I couldn’t care less. Do you know what is worse than consuming 1,000 calories in cupcake? Thinking about eating a cupcake all the time for weeks. Yup, that is worse than actually eating the dang thing, enjoying every single bite of it, and moving on. MUCH better in the long run.
And let me tell you, it was amazing. It was absolutely worth every calorie and lived up to every feeling I was hoping for in that dream. I’m glad I held out for this particular delicious cupcake. In all fairness, I ordered two of them. They are $3.50 each, so you know, not cheap, but I couldn’t decide so I got Nerds and a pumpkin one. I had a bite of both to determine which one was hitting the spot and the Nerds one out hands down. So in the course of a couple minutes I mowed down that cupcake like a fat kid in a candy store. Scratch that- like a fat kid in a cupcake store :) And it felt great. Really it did. No lie. It was exactly what my body had been craving. And almost immediately after it was consumed I felt a sense of relief wash over me. Cupcake craving over. Done. I felt good. I did not feel the need to eat the other cupcake. I did not feel hungry. I did not feel guilty. I felt like this was one of the best decisions I made today because I could finally quit fantasizing about the cupcake and move on. And it was such a great cupcake that makes it even better.
This is how you live life. No deprivation. No guilt. I ate a cupcake on a Thursday just because and I don’t hate myself. I am proud of myself in a weird kind of way. Proud because I know in the long run this was the best decision for my future health as well. I could stew over the cupcake for weeks longer and sit around at night wishing for a cupcake or else I could eat it, kill the craving and be satisfied at night because I no longer have that intense urge.
For the record, I am not sure when the last time I ate one of these cupcakes was. Wait, it was the end of May. For my birthday. So its been 4 months. It’s not like I overly indulge in cupcakes. I think 1 every couple months is obviously an acceptable rate to eat a cupcake in and obviously about how long my body can go without an intense craving for one. So there you have it. Cupcake for lunch and not an ounce of guilt. Perfect.
And just because I’m a torturous bitch, here’s the photo of them. The nerds one I ate is obviously the purple one and it was REALLY good.
I didn’t think much of it, but clearly, I’ve wanted cupcake for some time now. You see, I don’t crave chocolate, I don’t crave candy. But my one big weakness is cupcakes. I like moist vanilla type cakes. There is also a place in down town Salem called Twinsies Cupcakes that makes the most amazing moist perfect cupcakes. Yeah, you can tell I HAVE eaten them before. This is really the cupcake I have been craving, not the cheap ass grocery store variety.
After my intense dream the other night I knew it was time to eat one. I was going to wait until this weekend but then something came over me as I was running errands around town today and I found myself pulling into the cupcake place. I just couldn’t hold out any more. So for no good reason at all, other than, I haven’t been able to get it off my mind for weeks, I ate a cupcake today. And not a small mini one, oh no, it was a giant, probably 1000 calorie cupcake and I couldn’t care less. Do you know what is worse than consuming 1,000 calories in cupcake? Thinking about eating a cupcake all the time for weeks. Yup, that is worse than actually eating the dang thing, enjoying every single bite of it, and moving on. MUCH better in the long run.
And let me tell you, it was amazing. It was absolutely worth every calorie and lived up to every feeling I was hoping for in that dream. I’m glad I held out for this particular delicious cupcake. In all fairness, I ordered two of them. They are $3.50 each, so you know, not cheap, but I couldn’t decide so I got Nerds and a pumpkin one. I had a bite of both to determine which one was hitting the spot and the Nerds one out hands down. So in the course of a couple minutes I mowed down that cupcake like a fat kid in a candy store. Scratch that- like a fat kid in a cupcake store :) And it felt great. Really it did. No lie. It was exactly what my body had been craving. And almost immediately after it was consumed I felt a sense of relief wash over me. Cupcake craving over. Done. I felt good. I did not feel the need to eat the other cupcake. I did not feel hungry. I did not feel guilty. I felt like this was one of the best decisions I made today because I could finally quit fantasizing about the cupcake and move on. And it was such a great cupcake that makes it even better.
This is how you live life. No deprivation. No guilt. I ate a cupcake on a Thursday just because and I don’t hate myself. I am proud of myself in a weird kind of way. Proud because I know in the long run this was the best decision for my future health as well. I could stew over the cupcake for weeks longer and sit around at night wishing for a cupcake or else I could eat it, kill the craving and be satisfied at night because I no longer have that intense urge.
For the record, I am not sure when the last time I ate one of these cupcakes was. Wait, it was the end of May. For my birthday. So its been 4 months. It’s not like I overly indulge in cupcakes. I think 1 every couple months is obviously an acceptable rate to eat a cupcake in and obviously about how long my body can go without an intense craving for one. So there you have it. Cupcake for lunch and not an ounce of guilt. Perfect.
And just because I’m a torturous bitch, here’s the photo of them. The nerds one I ate is obviously the purple one and it was REALLY good.
I Workout :)
I was three paragraphs into a post this morning when I realized what a bitch fest it was turning into and how crappy sounding it really was. It was just me going, wah, I’m cold… wah, I’m tired… wah, I’m hungry. And then a friend on twitter reminded me that sometimes attitude adjustments are in order because living in suckytown helps no one yet alone yourself. So I said, you know, instead of spending my morning complaining (I’ve already done that for 3 hours BTW), I need to start focusing on the positive. And then I remembered that I DID have a kick-ass workout last night so that is positive.
I had personal training which I have to say I was dreading because of the professed killer ab workout I was promised. And in the end it wasn’t as bad as I feared. Lesson learned. Don’t condemn something before you even try it. Seriously. It was hard. Don’t get me wrong, it was really hard but it wasn’t impossible. Nothing is impossible. My trainer is pretty awesome. She is constantly telling me things like, this workout is so hard, it’s really crazy hard and most people can’t do it. And then she asked me when I was doing exercises (that are hella hard by the way), if I just zoned out and went away? She obviously noticed the focused blank stare on my face and I was like, “yeah, pretty much”… and she said that is amazing, that is a real talent because most people can’t do that. I have perfected the blank zone out stare over the course of my life. I really can make my mind take a vacation while my body is physically doing something else, much much more painful.
She likes to remind me that I am a rare exception to her training and that this is why she makes me do so much more than I ever see her making other people do. For instance, when I got to the gym she was training another woman before me and I watched for a few minutes and I was like, why can’t I do that? I can do that. I obviously was panicked of what was to come for me. I guess that is why we have personal trainers then right? To push us to do those things we don’t want to do.
This is the workout she made me do… it was REALLY painful actually…
50 jumping jacks (just to get warmed up you know!)
25 crunches
50 squat jumps
60 second plank
25 reverse crunches (NOT my favorite thing ever)
60 second high knees
50 bicycles
50 seated Russian twists
20 Burpees
25 Straight leg lifts
25 back crunches
50 side crunches
20 toe touches (lying down with your feet in the air reach up and touch your toes) SOOO painful at this point!)
And finally
50 mountain climbers
I was a sweaty ass mess at the end and yes, my core was pretty well on fire. The thing is this, I would never, like not ever do all of these exercises in a row like this on my own, in these amounts. When it really hurt I’d probably quit. But I feel that need to please her so I keep going and I HATE having to quit on something. I cannot stand not finishing an exercise. I push thru all levels of physical pain I am feeling to mentally feel good and be able to finish.
Afterwards I was going to take the ab class but then another trainer stopped me and said you HAVE to do my class instead, please. When your personal trainer friend asks you to take her class you can’t really say no, so instead I did Tabata style workout. I guess what this really means is high intensity cardio training in small bursts. After having already felt pushed to my limit to immediately go into fast intensity left me wanting to puke. It was basically 20 minutes of 2 exercises done for 30 seconds each, 10 seconds off, four times total. These were hard things for sure. And if that wasn’t enough, Turbo kick was thereafter and I did another 30 minutes of work. At least this was mostly legs with some punching thrown in there. Still a great workout.
And then being the crazy girl that I really am, I didn’t feel like any of this work produced any good strength training so I went ahead and grabbed a 10 pound set of dumbbells and did some arm work for about 20 minutes. So there you go, awesome workout. Day 5 in a row of workouts. Tonight is Day 6, which will consist of one 30 minute class which will be hard because it’s one of those high intensity all-out effort type of classes and then I will be on my own for the rest of it. Thinking strength training for about 45 minutes and then I am done.
Looking forward to my Friday night off from working out because Saturday morning I get back up and start it all over again with 9AM turbokick. That is just what I do. So the reality is this, I am really hungry all the time. Like I am pretty sure I eat over 2,000 calories a day. I haven’t tracked my food in well over a month or so, but I’m certain I am clocking in excess of 2,000 calories. This is not an exaggeration. I do not officially track my food but mentally I can calculate a day and I know it’s in that range. So far I’m not gaining weight because of those crazy workouts I do, but mostly I am just that hungry and I feel like I have to eat that much. Actually I feel hungrier most of the time and probably could eat more. My muscle wants food. Seriously.
I had personal training which I have to say I was dreading because of the professed killer ab workout I was promised. And in the end it wasn’t as bad as I feared. Lesson learned. Don’t condemn something before you even try it. Seriously. It was hard. Don’t get me wrong, it was really hard but it wasn’t impossible. Nothing is impossible. My trainer is pretty awesome. She is constantly telling me things like, this workout is so hard, it’s really crazy hard and most people can’t do it. And then she asked me when I was doing exercises (that are hella hard by the way), if I just zoned out and went away? She obviously noticed the focused blank stare on my face and I was like, “yeah, pretty much”… and she said that is amazing, that is a real talent because most people can’t do that. I have perfected the blank zone out stare over the course of my life. I really can make my mind take a vacation while my body is physically doing something else, much much more painful.
She likes to remind me that I am a rare exception to her training and that this is why she makes me do so much more than I ever see her making other people do. For instance, when I got to the gym she was training another woman before me and I watched for a few minutes and I was like, why can’t I do that? I can do that. I obviously was panicked of what was to come for me. I guess that is why we have personal trainers then right? To push us to do those things we don’t want to do.
This is the workout she made me do… it was REALLY painful actually…
50 jumping jacks (just to get warmed up you know!)
25 crunches
50 squat jumps
60 second plank
25 reverse crunches (NOT my favorite thing ever)
60 second high knees
50 bicycles
50 seated Russian twists
20 Burpees
25 Straight leg lifts
25 back crunches
50 side crunches
20 toe touches (lying down with your feet in the air reach up and touch your toes) SOOO painful at this point!)
And finally
50 mountain climbers
I was a sweaty ass mess at the end and yes, my core was pretty well on fire. The thing is this, I would never, like not ever do all of these exercises in a row like this on my own, in these amounts. When it really hurt I’d probably quit. But I feel that need to please her so I keep going and I HATE having to quit on something. I cannot stand not finishing an exercise. I push thru all levels of physical pain I am feeling to mentally feel good and be able to finish.
Afterwards I was going to take the ab class but then another trainer stopped me and said you HAVE to do my class instead, please. When your personal trainer friend asks you to take her class you can’t really say no, so instead I did Tabata style workout. I guess what this really means is high intensity cardio training in small bursts. After having already felt pushed to my limit to immediately go into fast intensity left me wanting to puke. It was basically 20 minutes of 2 exercises done for 30 seconds each, 10 seconds off, four times total. These were hard things for sure. And if that wasn’t enough, Turbo kick was thereafter and I did another 30 minutes of work. At least this was mostly legs with some punching thrown in there. Still a great workout.
And then being the crazy girl that I really am, I didn’t feel like any of this work produced any good strength training so I went ahead and grabbed a 10 pound set of dumbbells and did some arm work for about 20 minutes. So there you go, awesome workout. Day 5 in a row of workouts. Tonight is Day 6, which will consist of one 30 minute class which will be hard because it’s one of those high intensity all-out effort type of classes and then I will be on my own for the rest of it. Thinking strength training for about 45 minutes and then I am done.
Looking forward to my Friday night off from working out because Saturday morning I get back up and start it all over again with 9AM turbokick. That is just what I do. So the reality is this, I am really hungry all the time. Like I am pretty sure I eat over 2,000 calories a day. I haven’t tracked my food in well over a month or so, but I’m certain I am clocking in excess of 2,000 calories. This is not an exaggeration. I do not officially track my food but mentally I can calculate a day and I know it’s in that range. So far I’m not gaining weight because of those crazy workouts I do, but mostly I am just that hungry and I feel like I have to eat that much. Actually I feel hungrier most of the time and probably could eat more. My muscle wants food. Seriously.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
The stomach truth
As we all know, I’ve lost and gained weight over and over for the last 10 years, obviously this is going to take its toll on the body. I am pretty happy with how most of my body looks considering all of the damage I have done to it, but my stomach is a different story. I have always professed that my underwear hides a lot of what is really happening with the extra skin. Mostly I can look like I have a flat stomach in clothes which I guess is the most important part really, but underneath it all is a mess. I am going to be very brave here and post the “real” photos. Below are the photos of the truth. Basically the same image with my stomach “in” my underwear and “out” of my underwear. This is the truth of weight loss. Most of my body has snapped back fairly well all things considered but this area. I have seen great improvements since I started this journey and good results since starting strength training but obviously I don’t think I am ever going to be able to undo this damage aside from plastic surgery.
In the vein of being honest and an open book on this website and telling it like it is I share these photos because I know there is a natural curiosity. I don’t ever want anyone to look at me and think that I don’t have my issue, because I clearly do. I admire the other people I have seen online who have posted their real pictures, so I thought I should, so you all understand what I’m saying. Honestly, I hope in another 8-9 months’ time I will have new pictures that is less, but like I said, I’m not sure how realistic that actually is. Some damage just can’t be undone. My arms have come around nicely but this is the just the reality plain and simple.
So here goes my bravery and this is the truth…
In the vein of being honest and an open book on this website and telling it like it is I share these photos because I know there is a natural curiosity. I don’t ever want anyone to look at me and think that I don’t have my issue, because I clearly do. I admire the other people I have seen online who have posted their real pictures, so I thought I should, so you all understand what I’m saying. Honestly, I hope in another 8-9 months’ time I will have new pictures that is less, but like I said, I’m not sure how realistic that actually is. Some damage just can’t be undone. My arms have come around nicely but this is the just the reality plain and simple.
So here goes my bravery and this is the truth…
Eat the cupcake
So I’m pretty sure tonight is going to be brutal at the gym. I’m really not looking forward to it. It’s like when you know torture and pain are coming how can you really *want* that? And yet if memory serves me I am paying for that. On Monday when my trainer had to reschedule my appointment for tonight she told me she had a killer abs workout planned for me. Oh, abs, you are my nemesis aren’t you? This is what I have discovered in the past 3 months or so, I can love and appreciate every kind of hard and difficult workout I put my body thru. I can handle the leg days, the back days, the arm days, the butt days. Just about any days, but the days I HATE the most are abs days. All on my own, I will do exercises that fit into every other category but abs. It hurts so bloody awful that I pretty much have to be forced to do it. And apparently that IS what will happen tonight and I’m going to have to do it with a smile on my face and a resounding sure as the answer to everything. Because that is just how I roll.
This is the irony of life, when it rains it pours. On Monday night I was first told by my trainer that Wednesday at 5:30 would be a killer abs workout. Then I took classes where I was informed that Wednesday night in the 6 PM class, which I will be taking after my personal training is going to be mostly all focused on abs. So like 1 hour of abs? I can think of little else in the gym I would less want to do. Seriously. And yet, I am choosing this. I could not go to the class after my personal training session, but that is really not my style. My abs are going to kill me tomorrow, I can already predict this. Torture. That is pretty much what I am expecting. Have you ever done a reverse crunch? Seems easy enough at first but it only takes a few and your abs are on fire. I can only imagine what I am going to be feeling after an hour of abs exercises.
I guess the thing is, since it is the thing I LEAST like to do and am most likely to not do on my own I suspect it’s probably a good thing to be forced to do. This is probably the biggest reason why I am not running away from the challenge. I learned some time ago when it comes to the gym that if it scares the crap out of me, it’s probably worth doing. Don’t ever run away from the challenge, even if I can’t completely complete it, at least I tried and perhaps next time I WILL complete it. Fun times, right?
Monday night I pretty much sucked at the gym, but I feel like I pretty much redeemed myself last night I believe. Well, as much as possible. I hadn’t intended to take the one ½ hour class last night but then before class was starting my favorite instructor came up to me and said, I’m teaching the class tonight (It’s not normally her class) so I said, okay, and went for it. This girl is a fan of the HIT, High Intensity Interval Training model. Basically its 30 seconds of 2 exercises done 4 times in a row and then you get a little rest before moving on to 2 different exercises. It pretty much kicks your ass and I sweat a lot. I kind of like the high intensity stuff really. Kind of torture of its own kind. Probably because I am such a people pleaser and when you get a personal invite from the trainer you know you probably have to perform.
After that class I headed over to testosterone land of the weights. At first there were not a lot of beefy men over there so I felt okay but eventually I was surrounded in a sea of giant men lifting giant weights and there I was this little girl with my 10 pound weights. Ha. 10 pounds are actually quite hard when you are trying to raise them up and down in repetition. That is my story and I’m sticking to it. I tried to temper the reality that at LEAST I was over in weight land even if it was only 10 pounds I was rocking. And anyway, even at 10 pounds, I have muscles in my arms so if I developed them from lifting 10 pounds or 50 doesn’t matter, I still have the muscles. And none of those guys could argue that I at least have some muscle. Maybe not their giant ugly ass muscles that I wouldn’t even want, but my feminine sexy ones :) I pretty much did a bunch of arm work for a solid 45 minutes.
And THEN I decided to end my workout with a quick 30 minutes run. Well, it wasn’t my quickest run, but a solid 5k, 3.1 miles in a little less than 30 minutes. Just me and my music zoning out. So in the end it was a 30 minute run, a 30 minute class and about 45 minutes of strength training for me. I’d say solid night. Notice no abs were harmed in the making of last night’s workout. That apparently is all reserved for tonight’s pure torture session.
On the plus side I feel pretty today. Guess that’s a good thing. I’m having a great hair day. Love those. As a woman we all can appreciate the reality of a good hair day and how no matter what we do, some days they just don’t exist despite that great event that you are wanting to go to. Funny how great hair days rarely happen on important picture taking days? Instead my great hair day is wasted as I sit in my office on a cold and cloudy day. Ah well.
So here’s a true story, last night, or rather this early morning, as I lie in bed for those 30 minutes before you have to get up and are slightly awake but still dreaming? Yeah, guess what I dreamed about? Cupcakes. I wish this were a joke, but it’s not. I dreamed about being at a bake sale and there were tables and tables of delicious cupcakes. I of course was walking around trying to decide which ones I wanted to eat, sampling them, looking for the moistest of the bunch. This is a completely real story here. I have no idea why my brain was in search of moist-ness but it was. Tables and tables of cupcakes. Sounds pretty damned fabulous to me. I woke up and was like; apparently it’s time to eat a fucking cupcake if I’m having such vivid intense dreams about them, right? How bad would it be to reward my 1 year healthy living anniversary with eating a cupcake? There is an amazing cupcake shop in town but I don’t really think I can get there until Saturday which is my 1 year date. It’s kind of odd. But apparently my body is telling me to eat a stupid cupcake. But it better be a moist one. I certainly know that I can eat a cupcake if I want and it won’t do any damage to my body or progress so I guess in the end it won’t really matter all that much.
I have pretty much completely stalled out at where I am. I am maintaining my weight, I am maintaining my fitness, my body fat seems to not really be moving all that much these days. I guess my bigger question to myself is, am I okay with this? Is this an okay place for me to live at? How much more do I want? All very real and relevant questions that I am not certain I have the answers to right now.
I think to see any major changes at this point I would have to change something up pretty drastically and I think it would have to be my food. I know what the next step is and I am just not sure if I really want to take it. I know it’s something like trying to go Paelo or eat really clean, take out the processed, etc. I am just not sure if I want it that badly. It would most likely involve eliminating my Quest Bars and my Energy Drinks and those are kind of my vices in life and I am don’t know if I want the rest of it that bad.
My goals are probably quite different than some of the really fit girls at the gym, like the trainers or a few of the other girls I’ve seen who clearly have never had weight issues. Well I am complacent or rather happy, not complacent, but happy, with my body living right here because I know what it’s like to live way on the other extreme, I imagine that for some of these women it IS about getting their body fat to 10% and having every muscle pop out. If you’ve never been 220 pounds or anywhere there abouts you really probably wouldn’t know what it’s like to be satisfied with a 140 pound body that actually has ANY muscle. Sometimes I stupidly find myself comparing or trying to keep up and I have to stop myself and go, no, no, no, we are coming at this from VERY different places and I am thrilled with ME just as I am. In the words of the great Bridget Jones world, “I like you, just as you are.”
My success comes in the form of not being afraid to sign up and run a ½ marathon. It comes in the form of on a whim flying to Vegas and not fearing not fitting it. It comes in the form of actually feeling pretty in my clothes. That’s my success, not rocking a 10% body fat and having a rock solid everything. There is no way my body will ever allow me to be rock solid anything. I admire some of the women I see at the gym, but like everything else, there are levels and degrees of what we are willing to do to get results. I can’t imagine how much work they’ve had to put in to get those bodies and I am certain that it is more work than I am willing to do. I am sure it has a lot to do with the food restrictions that they place on themselves that I am quite simply just not willing to do. If I want a processed cupcake I am going to eat a moist delicious processed cupcake. I am NOT going to eat 6 of them, but I will eat 1 of them. I am a fat girl at heart and I just like food. I won’t deny myself a cupcake because that is the surest way to gain all the weight back. Depravation does NOT work. Plain and simple. Period. Been there, done that. Eat the fucking cupcake.
Can’t believe I’m only 3 days away from my 1 year anniversary. It honestly blows my mind that its been a year already. You know those quote that say, a year from now you will wish you had started today. Yeah, here’s the year that went by and holy shit I’m glad I started a year ago. No amount of money can buy the true feeling of satisfaction and happiness I feel today as a result of this past year. Almost four months ago I walked up to that crossroads in my path and made a different choice. I walked right up to that exact stop in the road I’d been at so many times before (standing at 140 pound goal, running every night but not going beyond that) and I made a different choice for the very first time in my life. I got off the loop I’ve been traveling down and it has made all the difference in the world. This path is so untraveled to me and I have no idea what stops there are along the way but I’m sure excited to see where it goes.
This is the irony of life, when it rains it pours. On Monday night I was first told by my trainer that Wednesday at 5:30 would be a killer abs workout. Then I took classes where I was informed that Wednesday night in the 6 PM class, which I will be taking after my personal training is going to be mostly all focused on abs. So like 1 hour of abs? I can think of little else in the gym I would less want to do. Seriously. And yet, I am choosing this. I could not go to the class after my personal training session, but that is really not my style. My abs are going to kill me tomorrow, I can already predict this. Torture. That is pretty much what I am expecting. Have you ever done a reverse crunch? Seems easy enough at first but it only takes a few and your abs are on fire. I can only imagine what I am going to be feeling after an hour of abs exercises.
I guess the thing is, since it is the thing I LEAST like to do and am most likely to not do on my own I suspect it’s probably a good thing to be forced to do. This is probably the biggest reason why I am not running away from the challenge. I learned some time ago when it comes to the gym that if it scares the crap out of me, it’s probably worth doing. Don’t ever run away from the challenge, even if I can’t completely complete it, at least I tried and perhaps next time I WILL complete it. Fun times, right?
Monday night I pretty much sucked at the gym, but I feel like I pretty much redeemed myself last night I believe. Well, as much as possible. I hadn’t intended to take the one ½ hour class last night but then before class was starting my favorite instructor came up to me and said, I’m teaching the class tonight (It’s not normally her class) so I said, okay, and went for it. This girl is a fan of the HIT, High Intensity Interval Training model. Basically its 30 seconds of 2 exercises done 4 times in a row and then you get a little rest before moving on to 2 different exercises. It pretty much kicks your ass and I sweat a lot. I kind of like the high intensity stuff really. Kind of torture of its own kind. Probably because I am such a people pleaser and when you get a personal invite from the trainer you know you probably have to perform.
After that class I headed over to testosterone land of the weights. At first there were not a lot of beefy men over there so I felt okay but eventually I was surrounded in a sea of giant men lifting giant weights and there I was this little girl with my 10 pound weights. Ha. 10 pounds are actually quite hard when you are trying to raise them up and down in repetition. That is my story and I’m sticking to it. I tried to temper the reality that at LEAST I was over in weight land even if it was only 10 pounds I was rocking. And anyway, even at 10 pounds, I have muscles in my arms so if I developed them from lifting 10 pounds or 50 doesn’t matter, I still have the muscles. And none of those guys could argue that I at least have some muscle. Maybe not their giant ugly ass muscles that I wouldn’t even want, but my feminine sexy ones :) I pretty much did a bunch of arm work for a solid 45 minutes.
And THEN I decided to end my workout with a quick 30 minutes run. Well, it wasn’t my quickest run, but a solid 5k, 3.1 miles in a little less than 30 minutes. Just me and my music zoning out. So in the end it was a 30 minute run, a 30 minute class and about 45 minutes of strength training for me. I’d say solid night. Notice no abs were harmed in the making of last night’s workout. That apparently is all reserved for tonight’s pure torture session.
On the plus side I feel pretty today. Guess that’s a good thing. I’m having a great hair day. Love those. As a woman we all can appreciate the reality of a good hair day and how no matter what we do, some days they just don’t exist despite that great event that you are wanting to go to. Funny how great hair days rarely happen on important picture taking days? Instead my great hair day is wasted as I sit in my office on a cold and cloudy day. Ah well.
So here’s a true story, last night, or rather this early morning, as I lie in bed for those 30 minutes before you have to get up and are slightly awake but still dreaming? Yeah, guess what I dreamed about? Cupcakes. I wish this were a joke, but it’s not. I dreamed about being at a bake sale and there were tables and tables of delicious cupcakes. I of course was walking around trying to decide which ones I wanted to eat, sampling them, looking for the moistest of the bunch. This is a completely real story here. I have no idea why my brain was in search of moist-ness but it was. Tables and tables of cupcakes. Sounds pretty damned fabulous to me. I woke up and was like; apparently it’s time to eat a fucking cupcake if I’m having such vivid intense dreams about them, right? How bad would it be to reward my 1 year healthy living anniversary with eating a cupcake? There is an amazing cupcake shop in town but I don’t really think I can get there until Saturday which is my 1 year date. It’s kind of odd. But apparently my body is telling me to eat a stupid cupcake. But it better be a moist one. I certainly know that I can eat a cupcake if I want and it won’t do any damage to my body or progress so I guess in the end it won’t really matter all that much.
I have pretty much completely stalled out at where I am. I am maintaining my weight, I am maintaining my fitness, my body fat seems to not really be moving all that much these days. I guess my bigger question to myself is, am I okay with this? Is this an okay place for me to live at? How much more do I want? All very real and relevant questions that I am not certain I have the answers to right now.
I think to see any major changes at this point I would have to change something up pretty drastically and I think it would have to be my food. I know what the next step is and I am just not sure if I really want to take it. I know it’s something like trying to go Paelo or eat really clean, take out the processed, etc. I am just not sure if I want it that badly. It would most likely involve eliminating my Quest Bars and my Energy Drinks and those are kind of my vices in life and I am don’t know if I want the rest of it that bad.
My goals are probably quite different than some of the really fit girls at the gym, like the trainers or a few of the other girls I’ve seen who clearly have never had weight issues. Well I am complacent or rather happy, not complacent, but happy, with my body living right here because I know what it’s like to live way on the other extreme, I imagine that for some of these women it IS about getting their body fat to 10% and having every muscle pop out. If you’ve never been 220 pounds or anywhere there abouts you really probably wouldn’t know what it’s like to be satisfied with a 140 pound body that actually has ANY muscle. Sometimes I stupidly find myself comparing or trying to keep up and I have to stop myself and go, no, no, no, we are coming at this from VERY different places and I am thrilled with ME just as I am. In the words of the great Bridget Jones world, “I like you, just as you are.”
My success comes in the form of not being afraid to sign up and run a ½ marathon. It comes in the form of on a whim flying to Vegas and not fearing not fitting it. It comes in the form of actually feeling pretty in my clothes. That’s my success, not rocking a 10% body fat and having a rock solid everything. There is no way my body will ever allow me to be rock solid anything. I admire some of the women I see at the gym, but like everything else, there are levels and degrees of what we are willing to do to get results. I can’t imagine how much work they’ve had to put in to get those bodies and I am certain that it is more work than I am willing to do. I am sure it has a lot to do with the food restrictions that they place on themselves that I am quite simply just not willing to do. If I want a processed cupcake I am going to eat a moist delicious processed cupcake. I am NOT going to eat 6 of them, but I will eat 1 of them. I am a fat girl at heart and I just like food. I won’t deny myself a cupcake because that is the surest way to gain all the weight back. Depravation does NOT work. Plain and simple. Period. Been there, done that. Eat the fucking cupcake.
Can’t believe I’m only 3 days away from my 1 year anniversary. It honestly blows my mind that its been a year already. You know those quote that say, a year from now you will wish you had started today. Yeah, here’s the year that went by and holy shit I’m glad I started a year ago. No amount of money can buy the true feeling of satisfaction and happiness I feel today as a result of this past year. Almost four months ago I walked up to that crossroads in my path and made a different choice. I walked right up to that exact stop in the road I’d been at so many times before (standing at 140 pound goal, running every night but not going beyond that) and I made a different choice for the very first time in my life. I got off the loop I’ve been traveling down and it has made all the difference in the world. This path is so untraveled to me and I have no idea what stops there are along the way but I’m sure excited to see where it goes.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Cold with a side of cold
Last night I experienced my first or rather one of the only in most recent memory moments of a true, “But I just don’t want to.” In relation to going to the gym and exercise. This is indeed rare for me. I h ad zero desire to go to the gym, but I went. When I got there it’s as if the universe was trying to tell me something because I was immediately approached by my trainer who told me that she needed to reschedule my training appointment. So instead of doing it last night it has be rescheduled for Wednesday night. In fact, we might have to permanently change my schedule because she wants to be at the gym less. It makes no difference to me ultimately. However, it’s like the universe knew my desire was none last night. So instead I headed into the 5:30 class and I can honestly say that I did not work that hard. I realize I am not pushing myself when I look around and other people are sweating and I am not. Usually a good indicator for me.
I then stayed for the 6:00 class as well, and again, did not push myself nearly as hard as I could have. I knew I just wasn’t feeling it. I had to leave at 6:30 to head to therapy which has been rescheduled to Monday nights permanently. Maybe that was playing in the back of my mind a little. I didn’t want to get to sweaty because I knew I had to go straight from gym to therapy. It also could be that I just wasn’t feeling it. Those days do happen, and I survived it nonetheless.
I would like to make note of an observation I did make last night at the gym. I rarely actually change my clothes at the gym. I always change at work and arrive at the gym ready to go in workout clothes and then leave in said clothes and change at home. But because of therapy I am forced to go into the locker room and change back into my everyday clothes. The observation is this…. I am not ashamed of my body. Sure, there is like usually never anyone in there, but even so, I literally am not in a rush to immediately feel the pressure to be fully clothed again. I mean, I’m not lingering or walking around half-dressed, but I mean, I remove my workout pants and I while reaching for my jeans am not ashamed of my undressed lower half to the point that I feel awkward and ma scrambling to quickly redress. It is a nice feeling to be comfortable in one’s own skin. I know I am not ashamed of my body because there is one area that does concern me and as soon as I remove my sports bra to put my regular bra on, I do this VERY quickly. I AM ashamed of my very saggy boobs. What this tells me is that my boobs are a huge psychological issue for me and that I am obviously comfortable with everything else at least to some extent.
There’s also probably awkwardness about not having a bra on because it really does expose real nakedness. Without pants or a top, I am still in a bra/underwear which is nothing worse than a bikini and I’m not exposing real parts, so it’s probably fair that I am in a hurry to put a bra back on and think that even if I had nice boobs I’d still be in a hurry. Regardless, I don’t dread having to change at the gym and that is pretty cool. I know I have issues, clearly. But this is a huge step for me. The lack of shame I feel for my body is completely new. The reality that I actually like what I see in the mirror and am not afraid to show more of my body is a huge step for me. That is almost more priceless than anything else. Comfort in one’s own skin is huge.
I forgave myself for my lack of real sweat last night and vow to do better tonight. This is life. This happens from time to time and it’s perfectly okay to have a less than stellar night. In the end, I still did an hour’s worth of classes. Maybe I didn’t push myself that hard. Maybe it wasn’t great, but it was still exercise. I plan on spending some time at the gym tonight to feel accomplished. I plan on doing some heavy lifting and pushing myself and perhaps get in a 30 minute run. Since I just ran 10 miles on Sunday I don’t really see any need to overly push the running. If I simply do a 30 minute run I should be fine.
Today I am ridiculously cold here at the office. It is that time and leaves me less than hopeful for the upcoming months. It’s only October 1 and in Oregon that means about 6 more months of rain and cold. Not looking forward to that. The older I get the more I want to move to the land of sun and warmth. I like to be out doors in the sun. of course being around 140 pounds this year means I have less body fat to insulate me thru the winter which kind of sucks on that front but I guess that is like the only down side to being healthier. Guess that could help explain why I feel so ridiculously cold in this office. I work essentially in a metal container. Okay, it’s a metal shop with a little office built in it, but it’s a metal building that is not very well insulated. And I’m freaking cold! Perhaps I should think about bringing a blanket or some other warm items with me. I might seriously have to sit in my office in gloves. Hmm…
Aside from not wanting to work at the gym yesterday, I really don’t want to work at the office today. The cold makes it hard to be comfortable and focus on real work tasks. This little space heater I have directly pointing at me is not really doing a good enough job. Today is the first so it means payday and that I have to run around and do a bunch of errands actually. In the rain and the cold. So that is definitely going to help with me warming up, for sure. On the plus side when it is this cold outside I can go grocery shopping at lunch and not have to worry about leaving the stuff in my car. Nice cold ice chest already out there. See… I’m trying to find the positive in this.
I really don’t have too much else to say today. Just plugging along on this whole journey, this whole life. Biggest Loser premieres next Tuesday and for the first time in 10 years I find myself in an interesting place with this. What I mean is this. There have been 2 times in my life. The years where I actually watched Biggest Loser as it was airing, done exclusively 100% on the treadmill. Then the times when I didn’t care about health and nutrition and thus did not watch it at all. (Later watched it all on the treadmill after the fact). I find myself at a place of caring about health and nutrition and wanting to watch the show but no longer exercising at home to the TV. How do I watch Biggest Loser? I have NEVER, I mean EVER watched an episode of the Biggest Loser while sitting on my couch. No joke. That would feel so off to me. But alas, I do all my workouts at the gym now so I don’t see how I’m going to manage that one. I might have to try watching the show on the couch which will just feel so odd to me. Maybe I could make it a fun challenge of sorts and while I am not necessarily exercising I could do rounds of an exercise every commercial break or something. I know I can fast forward but still. Something. We will see. Maybe it will prove easier than I thought to watch while sitting if it is watched AFTER doing a good gym workout. Still have a week for that one.
I watched the Voice last night and have to say it felt weird to look at Adam Levine now. Ha. Not sure why exactly but I must profess that he looks really good on TV and not as skinny as he was in person. That camera I guess does add weight then, right? Because he really was a twig in person. Not really someone I would physically be that attracted too. Yes, I generally like smaller men but he was way too thin for my liking. Ironic because he has all these photos showing him all muscular. I am sure he is muscular just a very small muscular guy.
My family leaves for Maui this Friday without me. Kind of have all those mixed feelings/emotions about that one still but it’s much better than it was months ago when they booked the trip. I mean, I guess I already went to Maui this year and I guess I am going to see P!nk in Seattle later this month and then to Vegas next month so it’s not like I’m not doing anything fun. :)
I sure do hope this week flies by for me and the weekend gets here soon. Really looking forward to another weekend already, plus this Saturday is the big one for me. You know, just that one year date that means the world to me. Nothing too big planned but that’s okay. Perhaps just a day for quiet reflection. I’ll take it.
I then stayed for the 6:00 class as well, and again, did not push myself nearly as hard as I could have. I knew I just wasn’t feeling it. I had to leave at 6:30 to head to therapy which has been rescheduled to Monday nights permanently. Maybe that was playing in the back of my mind a little. I didn’t want to get to sweaty because I knew I had to go straight from gym to therapy. It also could be that I just wasn’t feeling it. Those days do happen, and I survived it nonetheless.
I would like to make note of an observation I did make last night at the gym. I rarely actually change my clothes at the gym. I always change at work and arrive at the gym ready to go in workout clothes and then leave in said clothes and change at home. But because of therapy I am forced to go into the locker room and change back into my everyday clothes. The observation is this…. I am not ashamed of my body. Sure, there is like usually never anyone in there, but even so, I literally am not in a rush to immediately feel the pressure to be fully clothed again. I mean, I’m not lingering or walking around half-dressed, but I mean, I remove my workout pants and I while reaching for my jeans am not ashamed of my undressed lower half to the point that I feel awkward and ma scrambling to quickly redress. It is a nice feeling to be comfortable in one’s own skin. I know I am not ashamed of my body because there is one area that does concern me and as soon as I remove my sports bra to put my regular bra on, I do this VERY quickly. I AM ashamed of my very saggy boobs. What this tells me is that my boobs are a huge psychological issue for me and that I am obviously comfortable with everything else at least to some extent.
There’s also probably awkwardness about not having a bra on because it really does expose real nakedness. Without pants or a top, I am still in a bra/underwear which is nothing worse than a bikini and I’m not exposing real parts, so it’s probably fair that I am in a hurry to put a bra back on and think that even if I had nice boobs I’d still be in a hurry. Regardless, I don’t dread having to change at the gym and that is pretty cool. I know I have issues, clearly. But this is a huge step for me. The lack of shame I feel for my body is completely new. The reality that I actually like what I see in the mirror and am not afraid to show more of my body is a huge step for me. That is almost more priceless than anything else. Comfort in one’s own skin is huge.
I forgave myself for my lack of real sweat last night and vow to do better tonight. This is life. This happens from time to time and it’s perfectly okay to have a less than stellar night. In the end, I still did an hour’s worth of classes. Maybe I didn’t push myself that hard. Maybe it wasn’t great, but it was still exercise. I plan on spending some time at the gym tonight to feel accomplished. I plan on doing some heavy lifting and pushing myself and perhaps get in a 30 minute run. Since I just ran 10 miles on Sunday I don’t really see any need to overly push the running. If I simply do a 30 minute run I should be fine.
Today I am ridiculously cold here at the office. It is that time and leaves me less than hopeful for the upcoming months. It’s only October 1 and in Oregon that means about 6 more months of rain and cold. Not looking forward to that. The older I get the more I want to move to the land of sun and warmth. I like to be out doors in the sun. of course being around 140 pounds this year means I have less body fat to insulate me thru the winter which kind of sucks on that front but I guess that is like the only down side to being healthier. Guess that could help explain why I feel so ridiculously cold in this office. I work essentially in a metal container. Okay, it’s a metal shop with a little office built in it, but it’s a metal building that is not very well insulated. And I’m freaking cold! Perhaps I should think about bringing a blanket or some other warm items with me. I might seriously have to sit in my office in gloves. Hmm…
Aside from not wanting to work at the gym yesterday, I really don’t want to work at the office today. The cold makes it hard to be comfortable and focus on real work tasks. This little space heater I have directly pointing at me is not really doing a good enough job. Today is the first so it means payday and that I have to run around and do a bunch of errands actually. In the rain and the cold. So that is definitely going to help with me warming up, for sure. On the plus side when it is this cold outside I can go grocery shopping at lunch and not have to worry about leaving the stuff in my car. Nice cold ice chest already out there. See… I’m trying to find the positive in this.
I really don’t have too much else to say today. Just plugging along on this whole journey, this whole life. Biggest Loser premieres next Tuesday and for the first time in 10 years I find myself in an interesting place with this. What I mean is this. There have been 2 times in my life. The years where I actually watched Biggest Loser as it was airing, done exclusively 100% on the treadmill. Then the times when I didn’t care about health and nutrition and thus did not watch it at all. (Later watched it all on the treadmill after the fact). I find myself at a place of caring about health and nutrition and wanting to watch the show but no longer exercising at home to the TV. How do I watch Biggest Loser? I have NEVER, I mean EVER watched an episode of the Biggest Loser while sitting on my couch. No joke. That would feel so off to me. But alas, I do all my workouts at the gym now so I don’t see how I’m going to manage that one. I might have to try watching the show on the couch which will just feel so odd to me. Maybe I could make it a fun challenge of sorts and while I am not necessarily exercising I could do rounds of an exercise every commercial break or something. I know I can fast forward but still. Something. We will see. Maybe it will prove easier than I thought to watch while sitting if it is watched AFTER doing a good gym workout. Still have a week for that one.
I watched the Voice last night and have to say it felt weird to look at Adam Levine now. Ha. Not sure why exactly but I must profess that he looks really good on TV and not as skinny as he was in person. That camera I guess does add weight then, right? Because he really was a twig in person. Not really someone I would physically be that attracted too. Yes, I generally like smaller men but he was way too thin for my liking. Ironic because he has all these photos showing him all muscular. I am sure he is muscular just a very small muscular guy.
My family leaves for Maui this Friday without me. Kind of have all those mixed feelings/emotions about that one still but it’s much better than it was months ago when they booked the trip. I mean, I guess I already went to Maui this year and I guess I am going to see P!nk in Seattle later this month and then to Vegas next month so it’s not like I’m not doing anything fun. :)
I sure do hope this week flies by for me and the weekend gets here soon. Really looking forward to another weekend already, plus this Saturday is the big one for me. You know, just that one year date that means the world to me. Nothing too big planned but that’s okay. Perhaps just a day for quiet reflection. I’ll take it.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Flying By
Can you even believe today is the last day of September already. It’s incredibly safe to say summer and any trace of it are far behind us now. Tomorrow is October. This year has seriously flown by. I swear the older I get the shorter my years feel. We are definitely in the last quarter of 2013 now. As I thought 2013 has really been very good to me. So much so that I find it hard to think that 2014 is going to be able to top it, but I will just have to figure out ways to make it exciting right?
We all know that with the changing to October we are now like 5 days away from my 1 year anniversary of the big one, I am calling this the big one because this is the last time I am ever doing this and this really is the big one. I really believe that in the history of 10 years going at this weight loss stuff this is only the second time I’ve ever had a 1 year anniversary of being healthy. The very first time I did this, 10 years ago, I managed a 1 year anniversary, followed shortly thereafter by the inevitable backwards slide. This is the second time that I have officially celebrated 1 year clean and healthy. 1 year McDonalds free. I am not even sure how that happened. I have gone an entire year without consuming any McDonald’s. I do however think in the year prior I ate enough McDonalds to hold me over for my entire lifetime. It’s really quite disgusting and yet I was really so ridiculously addicted to it that I pretty much HAD to eat it every day. Do you think perhaps there was some addictive drug they added into their shit? I think it’s highly possible.
I still haven’t quite figured out how I plan to commemorate the official day, this Saturday, October 5, 1 year to the date. In hindsight, probably one of the single most important days of my entire life. Since I know this really is it forever for me this time, that date has become incredibly significant because it symbolizes the moment that I said enough was enough. It is the day I took control back of my life and I am so ridiculously thankful for that. It has become about so much more than my weight. It started as something as simple as eating good for a single day and here we are a year later, learning to love myself enough to no longer limit my life. To embrace all the possibilities and things that I reserved for others. Running ½ marathons, not accepting less than I deserve. It’s really been the best year of my life and the single year where I have taken the largest steps to discovering my true self. I feel so blessed because of the awesome journey I have been on. I am not perfect. It is not a perfect journey by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s my journey and I own it.
As I was riding in the car to the concert Friday night with my sister I talked about this blog. She, like the rest of my immediate family, knows it exists. I am certain Pamela has never come on here to find it because she could care less about my mindless dribble. In fact, I pretty much told her that and she pretty much concurred that she didn’t really care, she got to see me in real life and that was enough :) Ah family, got to love them. Anyway, she was like, do they know how messed up you really are? She wasn’t being mean, just saying that if they “really” knew you… you know… I was like, actually, I swear in some weird way this world gets the true me, whereas everyone else gets the edited; fit for human interaction version. The real world gets to live the events; this place is a retelling of the events with the narrative attached. In some ways it’s the most honest version of my world. I try to be as honest as possible. No sense in painting a picture that doesn’t really exist. Sure, we all hide certain parts of ourselves but I do really try my best to put it out there as it is.
I can’t believe a whole year has pretty much gone by. In some ways it seems like I’ve been living this lifestyle forever and a day, but then sometimes it feels like just yesterday I was sitting in my car, bags of McDonalds everywhere on the floorboards, crying about my lack of control. I remember those days far too well. Maybe that is what we really need to stay on the health path? Maybe you really have to live thru some trauma to really never want to go back. Maybe I needed my 10 years of struggles to really grasp that feeling of true despair. And it was real, honest to God, true despair. Despite constantly being able to lose weight, I was sitting there a year ago, doubting it was possible. It had never taken me so long or been so hard for me to try and lose weight. For months and months prior to October 2012 I had tried to do it. I had even gone back to WW in May of 2012 for 2 weeks, but it didn’t stick. And that is where my doubt came in. Could I really do this? Maybe I had lost my desire or my way and it wasn’t coming back. Maybe I wasn’t that girl anymore? The one who could easily stick to something and drop the weight without thinking.
And you know what, it turns out I WASN’T that girl anymore. Yes, I was able to finally stick to it and drop the weight, but no part of me was the same girl. Maybe it took so long for me to get to this point because I needed the time to finally do it right, to finally understand WHY I was doing this to begin with. I am now convinced that my long term success completely resides in the reasons why I am doing this. They have completely shifted.
Despite what I might have ever said previously, every motive, every intention, every sacrifice was made out of a dislike of myself and a desire to be thin and beautiful. I may have professed health and quality of life as a motivating factor but it was a lie. Plain and simple. I was putting on a front because that was what I was “supposed” to say. It didn’t work. Long term, it just can’t work.
The difference in my life is felt to my core because this time it IS about my health and quality of life and I think I have finally proven that to everyone in my real life and to myself. I am making these healthy choices because I feel so much better on a daily basis. I am not going to the gym because of vanity; I am going because I love the way it makes me feel and because it makes me strong and capable. I am eating good quality foods and fueling my body with more food than I’ve ever given it because it is what my body wants and needs and I no longer have too many days where I feel physically sick as a direct result of the stuff I’m putting in my body.
Mostly my attitude is so shockingly different that even I am blown away sometimes. I want to go out and try new adventures (like going to Vegas to run a ½ marathon), because these are the things that excite me now. Because this is the stuff that makes me have a full and active life. This is the stuff worth living for. I finally get it. I love myself because I believe in myself enough to try. I can’t believe I lived 33 years of my life without really believing in myself or loving myself. That is kind of sad. And I can’t explain it to anyone. I thought I loved myself. I thought I was living my life. If you would have asked me at multiple points in my life I would have told you I was happy and enjoyed my life. I guess, while deep in the throes of it, you can’t see how blind you really are. It was only when I REALLY learned to love me that my eyes opened up and I started to really accept the changes that were happening.
I truly in my heart believe that I have only gotten the results that I have this time around because I finally did it different. Because, yes, I physically did different things, but I mostly believe it’s because mentally my attitude was just so different. I pretty much knew from two weeks in that this really was the last time for me. This is my forever. I never want to go back to that woman I battled with for so long. This is my lifestyle now, bad days and bad meals here and there and all. That is life.
Things are not perfect. I have lots of loose skin on my body, as one would expect from a lifetime of yo-yo dieting. Things are not nearly as tight as I’d like but I’m working on it. From everything that I’ve read basically from the time you get to goal or your maintenance weight and start strength training, your real results, your best results, won’t really come until at least 6 months but most likely up to a year later. Basically, the way I look at it, from the date I started personal training and joined the gym, my ultimate results won’t be achieved for a year. I am a little over 3 months into that process, so I have another solid 9 months to let my body do its best possible job of doing what it’s going to do. I will reserve all judgment for 9 months down the line. At that point I will make an educated decision about what if anything I am going to do about that. Still thinking that a boob job is in my future plans. But I’m not worrying about that too much at this point. I still have 9 months to give it my all at the gym to see what I can accomplish completely on my own.
Thank you all for continuing to take this journey with me. I am so humbled and floored that I have people who read this at all, yet alone, who have walked this journey with me for almost 10 years. I don’t believe in my heart that I could have done it without this place and without some of you nudging me along and reminding me to be Brave… :)
And on a simpler note yesterday despite not really wanting to I made myself go to the gym for a nice long run. I have to stay in running shape since a. I love it and b. I have another ½ now I’m prepping for. I decided to set my sights on a 10 mile run yesterday and am proud to say that is what I accomplished. It’s getting easier my friends. Every time the distance is getting a little more and more manageable. 10 miles didn’t feel that bad yesterday. Honestly, the first 7 miles were a breeze. That is how I know I’m improving. 6-7 miles used to be what I did every night and I was tired by the end. Now 6-7 miles is very comfortable and I barely feel it. I don’t want to sound like a snarky bitch who thinks it’s easy to run 6-7 miles but I’m settling into that distance nicely. Guess I really am that runner after all, right?
Tonight I have personal training and then I get to take 1 class and then I have to leave because my therapy sessions have gotten moved to Monday nights now instead of Tuesdays. So yes, I have to leave to go to therapy but sometimes these are the sacrifices you have to make. Just means more time for me to actually embrace the gym tomorrow night. I think that is about all I got for the day. Be back tomorrow for sure, because I crave this place like my new found drug. Love it!
We all know that with the changing to October we are now like 5 days away from my 1 year anniversary of the big one, I am calling this the big one because this is the last time I am ever doing this and this really is the big one. I really believe that in the history of 10 years going at this weight loss stuff this is only the second time I’ve ever had a 1 year anniversary of being healthy. The very first time I did this, 10 years ago, I managed a 1 year anniversary, followed shortly thereafter by the inevitable backwards slide. This is the second time that I have officially celebrated 1 year clean and healthy. 1 year McDonalds free. I am not even sure how that happened. I have gone an entire year without consuming any McDonald’s. I do however think in the year prior I ate enough McDonalds to hold me over for my entire lifetime. It’s really quite disgusting and yet I was really so ridiculously addicted to it that I pretty much HAD to eat it every day. Do you think perhaps there was some addictive drug they added into their shit? I think it’s highly possible.
I still haven’t quite figured out how I plan to commemorate the official day, this Saturday, October 5, 1 year to the date. In hindsight, probably one of the single most important days of my entire life. Since I know this really is it forever for me this time, that date has become incredibly significant because it symbolizes the moment that I said enough was enough. It is the day I took control back of my life and I am so ridiculously thankful for that. It has become about so much more than my weight. It started as something as simple as eating good for a single day and here we are a year later, learning to love myself enough to no longer limit my life. To embrace all the possibilities and things that I reserved for others. Running ½ marathons, not accepting less than I deserve. It’s really been the best year of my life and the single year where I have taken the largest steps to discovering my true self. I feel so blessed because of the awesome journey I have been on. I am not perfect. It is not a perfect journey by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s my journey and I own it.
As I was riding in the car to the concert Friday night with my sister I talked about this blog. She, like the rest of my immediate family, knows it exists. I am certain Pamela has never come on here to find it because she could care less about my mindless dribble. In fact, I pretty much told her that and she pretty much concurred that she didn’t really care, she got to see me in real life and that was enough :) Ah family, got to love them. Anyway, she was like, do they know how messed up you really are? She wasn’t being mean, just saying that if they “really” knew you… you know… I was like, actually, I swear in some weird way this world gets the true me, whereas everyone else gets the edited; fit for human interaction version. The real world gets to live the events; this place is a retelling of the events with the narrative attached. In some ways it’s the most honest version of my world. I try to be as honest as possible. No sense in painting a picture that doesn’t really exist. Sure, we all hide certain parts of ourselves but I do really try my best to put it out there as it is.
I can’t believe a whole year has pretty much gone by. In some ways it seems like I’ve been living this lifestyle forever and a day, but then sometimes it feels like just yesterday I was sitting in my car, bags of McDonalds everywhere on the floorboards, crying about my lack of control. I remember those days far too well. Maybe that is what we really need to stay on the health path? Maybe you really have to live thru some trauma to really never want to go back. Maybe I needed my 10 years of struggles to really grasp that feeling of true despair. And it was real, honest to God, true despair. Despite constantly being able to lose weight, I was sitting there a year ago, doubting it was possible. It had never taken me so long or been so hard for me to try and lose weight. For months and months prior to October 2012 I had tried to do it. I had even gone back to WW in May of 2012 for 2 weeks, but it didn’t stick. And that is where my doubt came in. Could I really do this? Maybe I had lost my desire or my way and it wasn’t coming back. Maybe I wasn’t that girl anymore? The one who could easily stick to something and drop the weight without thinking.
And you know what, it turns out I WASN’T that girl anymore. Yes, I was able to finally stick to it and drop the weight, but no part of me was the same girl. Maybe it took so long for me to get to this point because I needed the time to finally do it right, to finally understand WHY I was doing this to begin with. I am now convinced that my long term success completely resides in the reasons why I am doing this. They have completely shifted.
Despite what I might have ever said previously, every motive, every intention, every sacrifice was made out of a dislike of myself and a desire to be thin and beautiful. I may have professed health and quality of life as a motivating factor but it was a lie. Plain and simple. I was putting on a front because that was what I was “supposed” to say. It didn’t work. Long term, it just can’t work.
The difference in my life is felt to my core because this time it IS about my health and quality of life and I think I have finally proven that to everyone in my real life and to myself. I am making these healthy choices because I feel so much better on a daily basis. I am not going to the gym because of vanity; I am going because I love the way it makes me feel and because it makes me strong and capable. I am eating good quality foods and fueling my body with more food than I’ve ever given it because it is what my body wants and needs and I no longer have too many days where I feel physically sick as a direct result of the stuff I’m putting in my body.
Mostly my attitude is so shockingly different that even I am blown away sometimes. I want to go out and try new adventures (like going to Vegas to run a ½ marathon), because these are the things that excite me now. Because this is the stuff that makes me have a full and active life. This is the stuff worth living for. I finally get it. I love myself because I believe in myself enough to try. I can’t believe I lived 33 years of my life without really believing in myself or loving myself. That is kind of sad. And I can’t explain it to anyone. I thought I loved myself. I thought I was living my life. If you would have asked me at multiple points in my life I would have told you I was happy and enjoyed my life. I guess, while deep in the throes of it, you can’t see how blind you really are. It was only when I REALLY learned to love me that my eyes opened up and I started to really accept the changes that were happening.
I truly in my heart believe that I have only gotten the results that I have this time around because I finally did it different. Because, yes, I physically did different things, but I mostly believe it’s because mentally my attitude was just so different. I pretty much knew from two weeks in that this really was the last time for me. This is my forever. I never want to go back to that woman I battled with for so long. This is my lifestyle now, bad days and bad meals here and there and all. That is life.
Things are not perfect. I have lots of loose skin on my body, as one would expect from a lifetime of yo-yo dieting. Things are not nearly as tight as I’d like but I’m working on it. From everything that I’ve read basically from the time you get to goal or your maintenance weight and start strength training, your real results, your best results, won’t really come until at least 6 months but most likely up to a year later. Basically, the way I look at it, from the date I started personal training and joined the gym, my ultimate results won’t be achieved for a year. I am a little over 3 months into that process, so I have another solid 9 months to let my body do its best possible job of doing what it’s going to do. I will reserve all judgment for 9 months down the line. At that point I will make an educated decision about what if anything I am going to do about that. Still thinking that a boob job is in my future plans. But I’m not worrying about that too much at this point. I still have 9 months to give it my all at the gym to see what I can accomplish completely on my own.
Thank you all for continuing to take this journey with me. I am so humbled and floored that I have people who read this at all, yet alone, who have walked this journey with me for almost 10 years. I don’t believe in my heart that I could have done it without this place and without some of you nudging me along and reminding me to be Brave… :)
And on a simpler note yesterday despite not really wanting to I made myself go to the gym for a nice long run. I have to stay in running shape since a. I love it and b. I have another ½ now I’m prepping for. I decided to set my sights on a 10 mile run yesterday and am proud to say that is what I accomplished. It’s getting easier my friends. Every time the distance is getting a little more and more manageable. 10 miles didn’t feel that bad yesterday. Honestly, the first 7 miles were a breeze. That is how I know I’m improving. 6-7 miles used to be what I did every night and I was tired by the end. Now 6-7 miles is very comfortable and I barely feel it. I don’t want to sound like a snarky bitch who thinks it’s easy to run 6-7 miles but I’m settling into that distance nicely. Guess I really am that runner after all, right?
Tonight I have personal training and then I get to take 1 class and then I have to leave because my therapy sessions have gotten moved to Monday nights now instead of Tuesdays. So yes, I have to leave to go to therapy but sometimes these are the sacrifices you have to make. Just means more time for me to actually embrace the gym tomorrow night. I think that is about all I got for the day. Be back tomorrow for sure, because I crave this place like my new found drug. Love it!
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