Personal Training

It’s a beautiful Thursday morning and my world is bright and cheery; just as I like it. That’s not to say it’s not without its flaws, life is full of them, but I simply choose to embrace the sun and the shine and the happy things.  I am feeling confident and in control of my life today. Some days I just feel it more than others.

Tuesday night I ended up meeting with my old personal trainer, Julie, to discuss the renewal of my personal training contract. I was torn about what I wanted to do. On one hand, I didn’t feel like I wanted to completely give up training as I think that it definitely has its benefits and I always feel great after a personal training session. Plus it keeps me on track. But, I didn’t want to pay as much monthly or commit to another entire year. I was fine with a 6 month contract but the price goes up on the training sessions if you sign a shorter duration. Basically in a nut shell, I did not like any of the terms. Also, I wasn’t sure entirely about the whole shaming of my body for being 155 pounds and apparently losing muscle based on their little body fat analyzer. I don’t really pay that much attention to numbers.

In a nutshell she told me that they love me, I have been committed for a year and they want to see me achieve my goals. That it has become apparent that running is important to me and gives me more than just a physical activity and that things would shift to accommodate that. I pretty much liked hearing everything she said to me with the exception that apparently as I am today is “unhealthy”. I pretty much heard the words, based on my infamous stats that reveal that at that impromptu shaming session where I was forced on the scale and handed a boy fat analyzer, that based on my recent numbers I have come back into unhealthy territory. I don’t know if she means BMI or body fat composition/percentages. I don’t really know. I kind of laughed internally. Really, another public shaming for how my body looks right now. WHATEVER. I laughed because I am pretty damned pleased with things overall. Here is a very very soon to be 35 year old woman (5 days to go), who at hand weighs around 155 pounds, wears size 6 jeans, has tons of muscle, and freaking runs half marathons every other weekend for fun. Yup, completely unhealthy.

I have chosen to not let it bother me honestly. I had my freak out a couple weeks ago and I ran it out, and came to my own truths, that I am perfectly acceptable just as I am. I still believe this in my core. Am I as tiny or tight as I could be? Nope, not at all. But I don’t care. What seems to be the biggest disconnect is that I don’t aspire to be anything more than I am right now. And I hate being made to feel shame of any sort for my current stats.  Do you know what my current stats say to me?

Holy cow, 1 year 7 months after I decided to lose weight. 1 year 7 months after weighing 215 pounds, I weigh around 155 pounds. I am doing it. I am living my life.  Instead of a size 18/20 I am a size 6. 1 year 7 months later, I am running half marathons. I am proud that I am not 50 plus percent body fat. Hell, seriously. Do you know how amazingly difficult it is for a person who struggles with weight loss and body image and health and fitness to maintain anything for 1 year 7 months? This has certainly never been my reality in 10 plus years.

I kind of a little bit feel like I am this crazy alcoholic who you shouldn’t push over the edge with comments about being unhealthy. It’s a fine line between encouragement and full on crazy town. Basically I’m saying you have to treat former fat people with kid gloves sometimes. A non fat girl might not ever truly understand the addiction compulsion and how dangerous it is to teeter on that slippery slope where you shame her and could unlock a horrible backlash effect.  Thank goodness I am past that. I have to talk myself down out of crazy town and the reality that I am 1 year 7 months in to this does not allow me to spiral, but geesh.

The reality is this, I have found my center and happy, and in doing so, am able to smile at them when they talk to me and walk away confident and comfortable in my own reality. I get to go home to my husband and my dog and my awesome life. I get to put on my running shoes and have amazing adventures. I get to eat real food. I get to drink alcohol beverages and eat cookies if I want. And all the while I am happy and healthy and I repeat, LOVE myself and my life.  Depravation does not work for me. It never has. Sure maybe I can’t be 135 pounds and a ripped muscle girl. Pretty sure I was never totally going to be that anyway, too much loose skin and all. So just accept that I am the best possible version of myself each and every day.

In the end, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Most everything that was said was nice and lovely and made me feel good.  So much so that I signed another 6 month contract, not because I felt forced or pressured or shamed into it, but because it was the best possible decision for me. Because I like personal training, I like what it does for me and I think it’s important for ME. They lowered the price for me because they love me and wanted me to keep doing it. So it was a win-win.

Basically if you sign a year contract for weekly sessions it costs $136 a month. If you only want a 6 month contract for weekly sessions it is $160 a month.  And of course the prices get much higher if you only want every other week sessions. I have been paying $136 a month, but basically did not want to commit to another whole year at this point. I only wanted to do a 6 month contract but basically told them I was NOT paying $160 a month. In the end, they gave me a good deal, because they loved me, they would let me sign a 6 month contract for $108 a month. So I can’t complain they really were trying to work with me. So I signed the 6 month contract. MUCH better than committing to a full year, which was my real objection. Not because I don’t think in a year I won’t still be going to the gym, but because I have no idea what my life will bring and 6 months at a time is all I am prepared to commit to.

I am comfortable with this decision all around. I wasn’t ready to give up my training sessions. I just think they are good for me. But I have been promised a revised plan/focus that caters to my weekend running life. That they are going to work with me to come up with something realistic for me that will compliment my passion. They sweet talked me with conversation of understanding that this is important to me and they would help me focus my energies on what was important to me.

Despite a few comments, I honestly felt pretty good about things afterwards. Like maybe they finally all heard me and got the memo. My life, my running, my marriage are ALWAYS going to take top priority in my life. And I found myself happy and ready to do the best I could in the time that I had to give to the gym and then walk away from it and let it go.

This is exactly how I was able to power thru a tough but effective and ultimately rewarding personal training session last night. It was good, effective and I felt powerful. TOUGH as hell, which is what I need. And then I did my hour of Iron Power weights and I felt amazing. I was reminded how good that feels, but then I was able to come home and let it go. Relax and unwind with my husband and dog. Let it go. Accept that the gym is not a substitute or replacement for things that might be missing in my life. That it is certainly not more important or meaningful than those true moments of bonding and happiness with family.

I’m excited for this weekend, because quite honestly I am always doing fun awesome things on my weekends and I find myself constantly happy for the time to make memories that keep me smiling throughout the week. This particular weekend my sister is coming again and I get to hang out with my niece and nephew making more awesome memories. I am going to go to the gym Saturday morning for class because I will feel better if I get in a workout in the morning. Then I’m going to let it go and enjoy my day. Sunday is Chris’s 35^th Birthday and we are doing a Rum Run. Just a 10k to keep us feeling loose and in practice of running.  My niece and nephew will be partaking in the kids Tiki Run, a half mile loop and they get t-shirts and medals and they are excited and I am excited to share this experience with them and have the opportunity to do these things. This is what life is all about! Looks like an awesome race, INCREDIBLE company and overall I can’t wait.

Tuesday is my 35^th birthday and then next Saturday, May 31, I freaking get on a plane to go to San Diego. SOOOO ridiculously excited for this you have no idea. I can’t wait to get to San Diego. EPIC life, epic experience, epic journey. This is my passion, my excitement, my joy. I could not be happier.  I have those slight moments where I get this feeling of holy shit, when is the other shoe going to drop? When I am going to wake up from this crazy dream I have been living? I can’t possibly be this happy forever right? And then I tell myself that life will happen, as it always does, and to not stress, just enjoy the ride. Enjoy the happiness as long as it lasts. And yes, hopefully forever and ever.  So have a beautiful magical day.