I am a fighter, a survivor, a beast

Today I feel revived and energetic and like I have a new lease on my goals. This is all a good thing. To say that my eating got out of hand this last Memorial Day weekend is an understatement. Essentially from Friday thru Monday I was a hot, let’s eat out, mess.  Somewhere around Monday night when I was driving to Beaverton to meet my husband for a celebratory birthday dinner with his father and grandpa, I had a mental freak out.  (Coincidentally Chris’s Grandpa and Chris share the same birthday; May 25. Whereas me and my grandpa share the same birthday, May 27) So on May 26, we had one birthday dinner for all 3 of us. This would be fine if it hadn’t come after day after day of ridiculous eating.  I’m all for living your life and having a bad meal here and there, but 4 consecutive days of over the top foods and I seriously was like enough is enough. I felt like CRAP. And not only did I feel like crap but trying to get dressed for said dinner left me wanting to cry because my jeans felt tight.

I had an old adage that I repeated many times when I was losing weight and getting rid of larger sized clothes, I told myself that this time around when my clothes got tight, I would not buy new clothes but instead use it as an indication that it was time to take a few pounds off. I am at that exact crossroads again. Honestly, I’ve been there for about a month or so, feeling not overall disappointed in my appearance but just a general feeling of dissatisfaction with a few things. The thing is, truthfully, trying to lose weight or tone or do anything out of any other reason than self-love is futile.  Trying to lose weight to spite someone else, or because anyone else makes you think like you must is a recipe for disaster. Conversely trying to lose weight because you dislike yourself is a horrible idea as well. The only way to truly do this thing is to love yourself enough to make healthy choices for yourself because of how it makes you feel. This is a lesson I finally learned a very long time ago. And until you are ready mentally to snap out of self-pity land and embrace self-love it is an impossible task.

I may have been generally displeased with my food choices the last couple months but for whatever reason was not mentally ready to say enough is enough and make better choices. It’s truly a personal decision and has to be done completely for the right reasons.  Perhaps because yesterday was my birthday which provides a certain sense of new and hope and opportunity, or perhaps because the older I get birthdays tend to leave me a bit of a feeling of depression, I spent too much of my day yesterday contemplating my choices and decisions. But at the end of the day my resolve is stronger than ever and in thinking all day I came to a place of peace and contentment over my decision to fight to be healthy.

Let’s be honest, I have not fought for anything for months. I was just existing and that was perfectly fine. I think the key to long term success at keeping weight off is to be able to live your life and then address the issues as they appear. I have lived an awesome existence the past while and while I have no intention of changing my direction, I feel like it’s time to put a bit of focus back on health.  It’s not that I am utterly disappointed with my appearance but I am utterly disappointed in my complete lack of care for quality in my diet. It’s not even possible for me to say I’m a healthy eater based on my food choices the last 3-4 months. I’m pretty much a time bomb waiting to explode into a larger body size. The only thing that is keeping me in check is that I really haven’t given up my exercise at all. I still do my strength training at the gym and of course still am partaking in crazy cardio weekends. This is the only thing that has kept me anywhere near a healthy body image.  To say the least, it would not kill me to fuel my body a little more efficiently.

What I really need is a complete detox, cleanse. I am seriously considering a cold turkey cleanse because I know my body is sincerely stuck in a sugar addiction at the moment. The cravings are real and hardcore and I have to get rid of them. I know I am fine and function better without the constant cravings. I am happy. I am utterly happy in my life, but I know, I could be ever slightly more fulfilled if I treated my nutritional needs a little better. Any amount of sluggishness I endure is because of poor diet. It’s an easy fix really and I know it.

Here’s the problem in a nutshell my friends. I am a 100% complete true food addict. This is not a shock to anyone. It’s a slippery slope between one or two bad meals and a full on addiction. I am able to manage and control my life when I give it the importance it deserves. When I slack a little too much the food control’s me. There are a lot of reasons that people end up food addicts but sometimes it simply can be about it tasting good. That is the part that is often ignored. Sure, I eat to fill voids at many points in my life, but sometimes I just eat because a freaking cupcake tastes amazing. The part of my brain that is highly sensitive to pleasure gets tripped by sugar and all those addictive components of food. Sometimes a cupcake is just a cupcake. No deeper meaning than it simply tastes good.

I honestly don’t believe I have deeper meaning for eating at this point in my life. I am not trying to sabotage myself or my happiness. I am truly happy. I am not filling a void in my heart. I am not suppressing a need or want. These are all things that I have done in the past. I guess stress is technically a possibility, but as a general rule I’m not that stressed either. The only thing that seems to slightly stress me is my concern over gaining weight so I guess that is the ultimate catch 22.

I pretty much just decided yesterday, while I had a great eating day, that enough was enough. I am perfectly capable of controlling this, this is within my reach and I just need to quit mentally punishing myself and do it. I am perfectly fine and happy just as I am, so anything else I do is simply about quality of life. My body will and does function better on fresh produce and quality protein. Basically quit bitching and do something about it!

One’s birthday is life a fresh start of sorts, much like New Year’s, it provides a solid opportunity to being fresh and new and move forward from this day on. There is simply no reason that 35 can’t and won’t be the most amazing year of my life thus far. That has to start with quality of existence. I’m feeling excited and motivated to get back to it. It also could possibly have something to do with the looming summer weather and of course the less clothes that one tends to wear in the heat!

Overall I am incredibly proud of that fact that 1 year later I am where I am at. I am actually 4 months away from 2 years since I started and weighed 215 pounds. 2 years since seeing 215 pounds, that has absolutely 100% never happened, this long and consistent of a maintain. No matter what 155 pounds-ish is a far cry from 215. Plus let’s not forget how freaking strong I am. I often times associate my 155 pound body with flab and dislike, but I am a pretty solid 155 pounds. I have a ton of muscles that certainly have never existed in my life prior this go around and the gym.  I am not a light weight and I can lift some pretty heavy weights consistently. Any time I get down on myself all I have to do is go to the gym and realize that I am a sort of female beast who is capable of a “man’s” workout. No matter what, I have not lost my strength. I’m still a bad ass chick.

So yes, 1 year 8 months after being at my lowest point in my life, here I am, incredibly proud of everything I have accomplished, maintained and everything that I believe I am capable of. I love me and that is why I am worth giving myself a little kick in the ass to improve the quality of my nutrition. Because I love me enough to care. For real. I deserve to be the best possible me, and I am going to make that happen. June is the month. No more stupid excuses. I don’t need a freaking food feast every single weekend non-stop.

This excitement to go to the gym and reach goals has been missing for a little while but slowly I feel it brewing and burning in my insides again and I like it. I have to say I like the feeling of setting a goal and achieving it. I know what I want to do, I see that girl I want to be again. I see her. And I am pretty certain that I am going to find her. Nothing wrong at all with this version of me, just looking to tweak it a little for my continued growth and happiness. This is how people are supposed to do it. I’ve got this. I will succeed at this. I’m feeling so ridiculously motivated and ready. One day at a time. We all struggle and fall down, but its how we get up that defines us.  I am not immune to needing a little help now and then.  I am a fighter, a survivor, a beast. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.