Running Saturday morning was EXACTLY what I needed. I knew it. I sensed it for days. I knew the one and only thing that would bring me any sort of clarity on my chaotic mind frame was a good run. Somewhere among the pain and fun of running, I do my best thinking. Somewhere intermingled with all those endorphins is the true clarity of my life. This is why I am so addicted to running and honestly always have been. There is not a single moment where I find more truth in my life than when I am in the middle of a hard fought battle. I say running long distance is a battle, a battle of mind more than anything. And when I break down my mind to the simplest moments, is when I realize what is ultimately important and what drives me.
Clearly there is no way of knowing, but I suspect when they say when you have a near death experience and your life flashes before your eyes, you see what really matters, what is most important to you. I have not had a true near death experience to compare, but I feel on some level this is probably in the same realm as that. I’m not comparing running to a near death experience, just that in order to find clarity you have to lose yourself completely. For me it happens to be running that gives me this clarity. And honestly a short little run ususally doesn’t do it. It’s when you are knee deep in the trenches when you have to dig down and find your true motivation to keep going that you can see things just so much more clearly.
This particular run on Saturday morning was a woman’s only event. Generally speaking I am not a huge fan of women only events but I do see why they exist. It is that whole female empowerment and of course it allows women who might otherwise be intimidated to participate a more relaxed environment to hang out with other women. What is great is that there were actually like over 2400 female participants. I did not realize it was quite as large of an event as it was. There were almost 1000 women doing the quarter marathon. I don’t go out to be the best or even to compete. I had no idea where I was in the process until we did a turn around. We were doing an out and back course and when you run back you get to see all your fellow participants coming towards you the opposite way. This occurred right around mile 3.5 or so. It was in this moment, when I saw all the awesome women, some running, some walking that I had this major moment of distinct clarity. That moment that told me, God Damn-it, Why am I so hard on myself? Look at all these happy healthy women with varying degrees of ability and motivation out here enjoying their lives for their own personal reasons. And somehow, I am struggling because I am not good enough? Seeing these women, as I was running back, was so inspiring to me. It is in these moments where I was able to talk thru my problems in my head. It was in that moment that I’m like, fuck it, I really am perfectly okay just as I am? Who really cares what I weigh? Who really cares how much muscle I have or don’t have? Who really cares how many days I go to the gym or not? No one, and I mean no one can take away my accomplishments from me.
Here I am, Saturday morning, being incredibly healthy and active, running 6.55 miles for the hell of it, sandwiched in between running a half marathon the previous weekend, my freaking 8th of the year, and gearing up for a half marathon this weekend, my 9th, and somehow I am supposedly struggling with this whole fitness world? I have often said I have no barometer of normal or difficulty, and therefore can’t even being to realize that there are actually people who don’t ever run a half marathon yet alone 8 already in a little over 4 months. I don’t run particularly fast, which is actually neither here nor there, but I do run. I run pretty much all of it, always. I am a runner. And I am damned proud of stepping outside of myself and my comfort zone to embrace the things that make me happy.
The last year has been all about finding myself, and my true happiness. Yes, I like going to the gym and lifting weights. But by gosh seriously there is not a second in the gym that will ever compare to the thrill of the open road and fresh air and the high I get from running. And yes, my Saturday morning was infinitely better for having run outside than spending an hour in the gym. I know this.
I also had another wonderful realization while running, I am strong and athletic and capable and if that means weighing 150 something pounds that’s perfectly okay. What is not perhaps perfectly okay is the throw away food choices I have been making. It’s not that it matters all that much but for me, because I love me and I want to be as happy and healthy as possible, I need to eat better. To fuel myself. To love myself. Not because anyone else gets to tell me I am not perfect just the way I am, but because I would feel better with better nutrition.
I think somewhere in the past year, with all the self-love and happiness I have found, it has become impossible for me to go backwards. And by that I mean, sure I have a moment here and there where I can belittle myself or get down on myself and want to do drastic obsessive behaviors, but ultimately I care far too much about the quality of my life to partake in stupid childish games. This is me, this is my life, and if from time to time that means indulging in French fries and margaritas then so be it. And if those indulgences keep me weighing 150 something pounds for the duration of my life I don’t honestly care.
I am almost 35 years old. I don’t need anyone else’s approval to be happy or be the woman that I want to be. I am in love with my life. I am in love with my husband. I am in love with the exciting adventures I have planned for myself. This is how life is supposed to be lived. I spend more days happy than not. The past 6 months, and more specifically 3 months in particular have taught me how crazy amazingly good life can be. I, forever more, will choose me and my happiness. Especially when it’s healthy. I am not talking about being happy while partaking in dangerous or destructive activities. I’m not spending my weekends drinking myself into stoppers’ or gambling away all my money and possessions. For goodness sakes I’m running half marathons.
I have always run. It just took this long to realize that the half marathon and organized races were completely within my ability. I honestly had no clue I could live the life I am living now. I am so proud that for some reason I took that first step and hit submit for my first half marathon. It has truly changed the course and direction of my entire life.
So today, I am no longer upset, as predicted. I accept that perhaps I can’t have it “all”, but I can my own happiness. I can go to the gym during the week and give my all each day. Maybe some days it’s not as much as others, but it doesn’t really matter. I will have my version of it all. And that is good enough. I am good enough.
All I have ever wanted out of life, my entire life, is happiness. At my core, I just wanted to feel content and happy and loved. It’s easy to lose sight of the true goal. My goal in losing weight was never about being a body builder muscle woman. It was never about being the tinniest most miserable food deprived woman I could be. Every single time I tried to lose weight it was simply so that I could start living my life and be happy. I’m here, I’m doing it, and I’m living my life right now. Why on earth should I allow anyone or anything to steal my thunder and change that?
Running is my single best form of therapy, completely exhibited by my profound mental shift after Saturday morning. I simply could not stop smiling during my run, despite being tired and wanting to quit. I also knew that I was simply good enough. I knew that amongst all these brave amazing women who showed up to run, that I belong. That in this world, I completely 100% belong. I am a runner. I am a strong woman. I represent all the fighters, the women who struggle, the not so perfect naturally born athletes. I am the epitome of heart and determination. I have the heart of a runner no matter what. There is simply nothing that can take this away from me. I simply won’t allow it.
Obviously I still struggle. Obviously I still have hiccups in the road, and it takes an occasional detour to remind me how much I am on the right track. How much I have to treasure the things in my life that are right. I am no longer striving for perfection or that elusive thing that will make me happy. I just am happy right now, just as I am.
And I became infinitely thankful for the people in my life who love me and support me. I instantly felt blessed that I had a husband who has gone along with me on this wild ride and who genuinely gets it too. The fact that I found someone who loves me enough to give it a try and then all on his own found the love for it is beyond amazing. I am thankful for my mother who is my rock and dispenses her infinite wisdom without even realizing its full impact on me.
Sunday morning I got up and did my 5k walk with my mom. I was beyond proud of her. This is the third 5K I’ve made her do with me and this is the first one where all on her own she decided she wanted to jog for periods of time. I told her I was right there with her and whenever she wanted to jog let’s go and then we could stop whenever she needed. I could tell she was pushing herself and she was proud of herself and I was beyond proud of her. An awesome way to celebrate Mother’s Day with my mom.
Today I feel much calmer and more accepting of life as it is. I will go to the gym tonight, smile and be happy in my own imperfections. After all, I know that I am only less than a week away from the thrill and high of another half marathon. Until then, I will go to the gym and smile with my friends I have there and pick up some heavy shit.
3 comments:
Good for you. :-)
Good for you. :-)
In the end, you have to love YOU, and you have to do what makes YOU happy. Sometimes what makes other people happy won't be in alignment with what makes you happy and you just have to love yourself (and them) enough to say, "I love ya, but...this is what I'm doing."
It's taken me all my life to get to a point where I realize it's okay to say no to other people and to seek my own happiness even if it might not be what other people want me to do. I still struggle with it, but it ALWAYS feels good when I put myself first.
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