Ah yes, my soul does indeed know what I need to do to heal, but that pesky mind wants to keep stewing and stewing over things. Honestly, I do feel better today, but I mean, I’m not 100%. I am not really sure why this has bothered me so much. I think that is what I am really trying to figure out. In all reality it’s probably a buildup of months of pent up emotions in terms of conflict between strength training and running. I know the concepts don’t generally mix. This is why you rarely see incredibly buff ripped people out running races and contrary runners don’t tend to hang out at the dumbbell rack at the gym. I of course have to debunk all logic and want it all. I am always an overachiever :) Okay, that was a joke. But honestly, I kind of do want it all. What is all possible for me that is.
I have tried to break down what is causing me concern. I feel like at its core there are 2 issues. The first is really my general lack of concern or care of my nutrition. Which results in a weight gain. It unto itself is not awful, but it’s that whole catch it before it keeps going up and up thing. For the record I officially weighed myself this morning when I got up, the way I have always weighed myself, and I was 152 pounds. So my official start weight as you will is 152 pounds. The problem is that it’s always been pretty hard for me to get to jacked or upset about weighing 152 pounds. I am happy, and loving my life, so what that I weigh 152 pounds. It’s just retarded. Whatever. That is issue one.
Issue 2 is that I feel like my weight and increasing measurements were used as a tool against me to illustrate some nonexistent point that running is causing some sort of backwards spiral in my life. What I am actually more certain is happening is the balancing out of my life. I knew this would happen. I have pretty much been at the gym for a year now and as predicted I am not going and or giving it quite as much as I did when I started. I knew this would happen. Yup, I jumped in 200% in the beginning as I always do, and one cannot carry on at that level forever. That was going to happen. I still go like all the time, but whatever.
When my weight was recorded as 135 that was one tiny blip in time. As well all know, when we reach our lowest weight, it does not sustain. Sure, I’d love to be 135 pounds if it didn’t require my every thought and purpose in life to be about 100% clean eating and excessive training. 135 has never been obtainable or realistic for me. Maybe if I were 20 years old and came from a slender genetic pool where my highest weight was like 160 or something. Let’s be honest, those of us who have ever breached the 200 pound mark in life know that being 135 pounds is just not going to be a reality. Try as I might, 135 is not realistic for my life. What difference does it make if I am 135 pounds anyway? Good God, I am almost 35 years old, married, active, enjoying my life. I do not need to be 135 pounds. I actually found myself defending my weight in my meeting with Amanda. Like she had some expectation that I should be 135 pounds and I literally, almost defensively told her, that is just not realistic and is never going to happen for me. Sure, I am not exactly thrilled at 155 pounds; the official weight she recorded for me, but that honestly 145 is much more realistic given my history.
I flat out told her I wanted to live my life and I could not at 135 pounds. So going by all this logic, 145 pounds is honestly much more ideal for me. I know that in my heart at this point. I weighed 152 this morning. That is like 7 pounds. I’m breaking the scales as we speak.
However, all of this extra pressure and leaving me feeling MAD, has done something, sparked some fire under my ass that has been missing for months. So for good or bad, Amanda is doing her personal trainer job and inadvertently motivated me to prove a point. I am one stubborn bitch you see. My mom actually looked at me last night and said, wow you are stubborn. And I shook my head and said, yup, you got it.
I feel like running is the scape goat at the gym for the excuse as to why I have gained weight. I feel like I am being told that I am struggling and not maintaining because I have gone back to my running ways. I kind of have this fire under my ass that says, fine, you want to blame something, I’ll show you. I’ll show you all, ha ha. You want me to lose 10-15 pounds, done. I’ll lose the weight and I’ll come back and show you that it’s not the running. It was never the running. Stubborn Emily rears her ugly head.
So I officially make this declaration out loud today, and we all know that once I put my mind to something it is going to happen. I am going to get my weight back to 140-145 pounds. I am not exactly sure where in there, but somewhere in that range. I weighed today, 152. I will weigh on Thursday mornings as I have done in the past. I just didn’t weigh yesterday but figured today would be fine. So Next Thursday I will report back here what my weight is.
I ate perfect yesterday because I decided I was going to and I was mad. I am going to eat perfect today because I have simply decided I am going to. That is how my mind has always worked. I know spite is not a good reason to lose weight, but for right now, it’s as good of a reason as any. I would not generally recommend spite as a motivating factor in your weight loss endeavors, but given that realistically I have like 10 pounds to lose I am not too worried about it. It’s as good of a reason as any at this point.
Honesty to God, all of this seems so stupid and petty to me. I am happy. But I also like a challenge. I like the mental push to have something to work towards. So I guess in a way Amanda really is doing her job exactly. Not sure this was how she intended to motivate me. I am sure her intent was to sway me back to her “side”, the side that says I need to lift heavier and run less. Persuade me into action by showing me numbers. At this point numbers don’t mean a ton to me. But I’ll bite. I am pissed. I am heated. I am encouraged and I have made a goal as a result. No one is going to tell me what is best for my life. I am the captain of my own ship, you know.
In all honesty, I know what is really happening and I feel sad, I think she feels like I am pulling away from her. I am honestly not pulling away from her or our friendship. I adore her. I just don’t have as much time to devote to the gym as I once did. My relationship with my husband is more important. My relationship with my mental health is so ridiculously important. Let’s face it, I’m nutty. Never denied that. And if I have something in my life that calms the mental cobwebs and frees me and helps balance me then I need to embrace that. Running is that for me. It always has been.
Of course, I want to still lift heavy. I love muscles. I am not at all debunking the world of strength training. My body literally thrives on muscles. It wants to build them up nice and strong. I want to keep lifting heavy, or as heavy as my tired body shall allow and then just go and run for fun. Not everything has to be so life and death. I mean, seriously, are you kidding me. I wake up on my weekends and go run. I run half marathons pretty much every other weekend. Then I go to the gym and I lift pretty heavy things. I may be officially 152 pounds today, this morning whereas once upon a time I was 140 something pounds, but again…. I know I have a lot more muscle up in there now than I once did. Is any of this really so bad?
I honestly think a couple day break from the gym is exactly what I need. I am less worked up today than yesterday, despite what this post may indicate. And I know after I get a nice 6.55 mile run tomorrow I will feel even better. I can’t tell you how much I just want to go and run and lose myself in my head and that running world. Even if I have to wake up at 5:45 AM to do it. Even if I have to run in the rain. Even if I am going alone. None of that matters when the whistle blows and I start running. That is my sanctuary. That is my happy zone. For the record I only signed up for the quarter marathon, 6.55 miles because next weekend is the Portland Rock and Roll Half and I just didn’t feel like running another half this weekend, when I did one last weekend and will do one next weekend. 6.55 miles seems more manageable. Nonetheless, I run tomorrow morning. Then I am scooting over and picking up our race packets for the Mother’s Day 5k I am doing with my mom. We will walk Sunday morning and it will be great. I get to spend Mother’s Day morning walking with my mom. It is perfect honestly!
I think taking the mental break from the gym is exactly what is in order for the weekend. I will no doubt be ready to go Monday night after work, ready to kill it at the gym, lifting some heavy shit. Let’s not forget the “game on” flip has been activated in my head, and it’s time to buckle down, and lose 10 pounds to appease the naysayers. No worries. I got this. Now off to drink a gallon of water. Make sure and tell all the amazing momma’s in your life just how special they are this weekend.
2 comments:
Honestly, you know what is going on in your life as a whole better than anyone at your gym. So you are the one who is in the best position to say why your weight has rebounded, and what weight is realistically sustainable for you.
I have often heard and read that what we weigh is based 80% on what we eat and only 20% on physical activity. . . no matter what type of physical activity that is. I'm sure even Amanda would agree to that (based on some of your past posts relating times when she has been encouraging you to eat "cleaner" to build more muscle and the like).
So if you know your eating hasn't been what it should be these past months, that is a much more likely reason for some weight gain than running more and lifting less. . . .
I hope the 10k run clears your head and makes you feel better. I bet your trainer is kind of internalizing and making it feel like a personal rejection that you are choosing running over her lifestyle.
I think it was kind of sucky of her to pull out the scale and measurement to make you feel guilty and try to sway you to her side.
I think it's natural that you have ebbs and flows of what exercise fulfills you at different times in your life. Right now running is bringing more joy and connection with your husband so I think it's awesome you guys are focusing on that.
Maybe come next fall or winter the gym will be your go to place again and you will put your energy in lifting strong.
I think you are meant for running. Do you look like a Kenyan marathon runner? No, but running clearly is something you were meant to do. The fact that your body lets you run 1/2 marathons regularly proves you are built to be a runner. And clearly your brain is a runner:)
I also really don't think you are either a runner or a gym rat. I think you can (and are) doing both. Can you do both with the same level of intensity that you were previously doing, no. But that doesn't mean you can't find the best of both world that works for you personally.
I hope you have a great weekend!
P
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