The Protocol Child

Last night was actually successful. you see the past couple weeks I said I was going to go to weight watchers on Tuesday and somehow completely managed to avoid it. I went last night. Probably spurred on by the notion that mom was going with me and I had told my sister Jen and Chris that I was going. I don't fail when I decide to do things. That is both good and bad. It is often my downfall. The point is. I gave up a healthy way of living a year ago and never looked back. The scale showed that year long break. I knew it did. I'm not retarded.... Well, kind of because it’s awfully retarded to gain back all the weight you've lost and keep losing and gaining... but nonetheless the point is I know I've gained it back. Now I know that I will take it off again. Just as sure as anything, I have decided for whatever reason to do this again so I'm going to do it. Once I decide to do something I somehow do manage to accomplish it.

I am also not going to delude myself. This is going to be much harder this time because I am almost 31 years old. I have fucked with my body repeatedly and it probably will show me no mercy. Up, down, exercise like a mad woman; eat like a mad woman.... no consistency. My body is a mess internally because of it, but a girl has got to try. I am not going to say the number out loud yet, but I am sure I will at some point. Just give it time. I did sign up for the monthly pass, so I am fully committed now :) I have my 3 month journal and I'm all set. Well kind of. Haven't exactly decided yet what foods I should be eating. That might not come until this weekend when I can fully give it some time. Until then I will muddle thru with a Subway lunch run or a Wendy's salad or something to that affect. While I have given up this life for a year, it is so engrained in me that its old habit to know what I should be eating. I have points memorized in my head floating around all over the place.

I can and will do this. I have to. For the last 3 months I've just been saying to myself, "I just want to be me again." I am pretty sure that me I'm referring to is the healthy, happy Emily who runs and eats well and likes her body and therefore takes care of herself, and wears cute clothes and cares about her hair and makeup. That girl checked out a long time ago and I want her back. She is the best version of me and I really do miss her. I'll find her again. I am certain of that.

I have willpower, control and motivation like you wouldn't believe when I decide that is my priority. It's time.

I am determined to not step on any scale this week. I don't want any of that messing with my crazy head. I did learn that much last time around. Just let the meeting scale guide me. I don't need to let crazy weekly numbers pull my focus. At least for now, none of this I weight X amount in the mornings naked, I weight X amount mornings clothed. I weight X amount after work clothed, X amount naked... X amount after exercise, X amount after dinner.... well, you get the point. Those numbers are all pretty bogus. The official number is the one written in that book and that's all that I care about for right now.

I can do this. I want to do this and that is a phrase I have not uttered for a while. It's going to be okay. The protocol child has returned.