Just a feeling

Good morning. Once again I woke up feeling beyond fabulous.  I truly think it’s because my body is responding so well to being back to clean eating and living. I am not putting crazy amounts of stress or pressure on my body. I think this contributed to my slight 2 week downfall before my trip. It always happens. It’s just too much pressure I put on myself. And now I just have a sense of relief honestly. I have the marathon monkey off my back.  And now I can just relax and return to my normal life.  And my body loves it. I feel great and happy and healthy and ready for whatever challenges come next.

So this is where we are at. Technically I am still on my marathon training plan. There was a “recovery” period post marathon that lasts 3 weeks that’s supposed to be about easing back into running.  Technically at this moment in time there are 5 runs left on my plan. I am doing those runs because well, that’s what I do.  But once that last run is checked off, I kind of want to plan another plan, does that makes sense? I kind of want to make a new plan because I just liked following one so much. And basically I don’t want to lose my current sense of comfort and fitness level but mostly it’s because I don’t want to lose my current level of happiness and sense of self-love.  It really all boils down to how happy I am with myself.  I have never ever had this level of contentment or belief in myself and that is something that I want to fight to hang on to.

Do you know how long it’s taken me to get to this exact point in my life? Um, like almost 11 years I think. Well probably my whole life really. But this is what I thought I’d feel like after I lost weight the first time. Somehow naively I thought that once I lost weight that I’d just be happy and love myself and my body and all those negative little voices in my head would go away.  Silly naïve girl.  It has taken my the better part of 11 years to realize that simply losing weight is obviously not enough.  That true self-love and self-contentment has very little to do with weight loss or the size of your jeans but everything to do with what is going on on your inside, in your heart.  For me I can honestly say it only started to occur once I realized how much I was capable of.  The process really started when I joined the gym and continued to grow and morph into this woman who started to really live her life and that is when it finally hit.  If I’m being honest my growth towards self-love occurred the moment I ran my first half marathon. 

And then, oh, and then, it’s gone to a whole new level the moment I put the plan of action into place to train for my marathon.  To say marathon training changed my life is an understatement.  I don’t even know why or how it did but it just did.  5 months and everything in my life came into full focus.  5 months and forever a lifetime changed.  I thought I was happy before and I was.  But this is a whole new level.  Its ultimately about chasing a dream and accomplishing it.  That is where the happiness and contentment come in.  It’s in achieving goals.  I’ve always known that achieving goals is what I thrive off of.  Thus the being good at losing weight. It’s an obtainable, trackable goal.  Apparently so is marathon training.  I have found a new love! Sigh. Just what this obsessive compulsive girl needs right?

Somewhere about 2 years ago, right after going the gym and running my first half marathon I had this lightbulb moment where I knew that I was on a different path in my life than I’d ever traveled down before. I remember clear as day sitting in my living room talking to Chris and was dead serious (we were just coming off a really rather horrible patch of time) when I was like, Somehow I am different and I am tired of standing in my own way in life.  That I can feel that I am ready to do great things.  That I am ready to travel down this path. I have all this passion inside of me and it’s about to explode the fuck out.  And then I said, “Either you get on board with me, or you get the fuck out of my way!”  I was completely serious. I knew I was on the brink of something big and special.  To his credit he got on board and we’ve never looked back. 

What an epic 2 years it’s been.  If I could bottle this feeling and break it out on rainy days I certainly would. I’d also wish I could share this feeling with everyone, but alas, it’s something that you have to do for yourself.  There were plenty of times I wish I could have fed off of someone else’s happiness and motivation.  But in a small way we all do feed off of one another. This is the nature of sharing our stories to begin with.  All I can do is hope that anything I ever do helps or inspires anyone else to take a chance.  You will never regret it!

At the end of the day I am just a normal regular old woman. Nothing fancy or special about me.  I wasn’t born particularly athletic or blessed genetically. In fact I’d say the odds were always stacked against me.  Both sides of my family were heavily obese. My childhood was spent wasting away the days in inactive pursuits.  Health and wellness and physical endeavors were not really championed.  It’s no one’s fault.  It’s not that if we had showed any inclination towards athletics we would not have been supported it’s just it wasn’t natural to any of us.  I’m really just a pretty typical standard story of a girl who grew up overweight and insecure and didn’t believe in herself one bit.  And who always let her own self-doubt and insecurity get in the way of living her life. All of it. I don’t think I actually think I lived until I was 25 years old.  And even still it’s taken me all the way until 36 to love myself and not be afraid.

To all of my longtime friends who check in on me, this has been quite the amazing ride hasn’t it?  I have evolved in a way I am completely proud of.  I see the difference. The difference in the way I talk about myself, the way I feel about myself.  Almost 3 years now and there is honestly no end in sight.  I always knew this time was different. I felt it in my core 3 years ago when I started AGAIN.  I was not wrong.

It’s already October. I can hardly believe it.  2015 is heading towards its climatic conclusion. Climatic perhaps because I have a few tricks left up my sleeve yet for 2015.  Did you know that next month I’m going to Vegas again to run the Rock N Roll half.  And guess what… Amanda and her boyfriend Rick are going with us. Yup. Same flight, same hotel. Amanda is running her first half marathon with me. How cool is that? She will be a lifelong friend. That is certain.  Some people are just your kindred spirit. (Anne of Green Gables much?)

What the hell is the plan for 2016? Don’t know yet but I also know that while it seems nearly impossible to top the epicness of 2015, I also didn’t think 2014 was ever going to be beat and yet 2015 is pulling ahead.  I am sure there are some things out there that I haven’t even envisioned yet but I’m not afraid.  Why would I be? I keep thinking that maybe it’s time to slow down a bit. Like less travel because we need a bit of a break from it all, but who knows. I never say never you know.  Somehow something always has a way of popping up.

I kind of think my post marathon high hasn’t worn off just yet. Or at least I’m not ready to let the glow die. But why should I? Seriously. If it enables me to push myself and feel good I should hang onto it for as long as possible.  Just how I knew 2 years ago I was on the edge of something big, I kind of have this gut feeling that I’m just starting right now to write the next chapter of my life. That while I can’t clearly see it, that something else is on the horizon for me.  And I no longer fear any of it.