Panic Attack

I am presently  knee deep in a bit of anxiety and depression and while I can’t exactly place the why, I am sure it’s all tied up into the thing I’ve been working towards for 9 months is done.  I am sure there’s more to it than that. BUT, I am sure that my emotions are just out of whack. Even as I sit here, not really sure why I should be this anxious I just am.  It’s anxiety I know it. It’s irrational fear. Every once in a while, okay more than once in a while, I get this way. I have never claimed to be perfect.  I have never claimed to be anything less than real and honest.  Sometimes I suffer from elements of mental issues. I am also certain that most everyone has a touch of the crazy to them.  Some peoples are just more prevalent than others.

I don’t come from a strong genetic mental health pool. Not that I’m blaming my issues on my parents or grandparents, etc. I am sure they are all my own baring and doing. BUT sometimes I do a better job of controlling it than others.  I’m a little bit spiraling out of control if I’m being honest. I’m trying to hide it from the people in my life which seems odd that after all this time I wouldn’t let them in a little bit  more. I am a complete contradiction.  I am always completely honest and truthful here in this online world I suppose of amenity but I can be a real closed off, keep to myself kind of person in real life.

I read a book while in Maui.  It was that book by the Olympic runner, Suzy Favor Hamilton, who became a Las Vegas prostitute.  It was all tied to severe bi-polar disease and mistreatment and medication of the disease.  Anyhow. Unfortunately so much of it resonated with me.  I say unfortunately because it’s not good when you are reading a book about someone with a severe disorder that causes destruction and chaos in her entire world and you can completely relate.  I could relate to much of her obsession with running and the idea of pushing herself and her obsessive nature. The high highs/ the low lows.  The destructive behaviors as well.  Mine is not prostitution of course. Thought I should make that clear, but I partake in a lot of the severe lines of thinking that the book used to describe generally sick/unhealthy people. The immediate gratification, no concern for the long-term effects. The inability to see past the present moment.  I do that.  The obsessive compulsive desires for more.  One can clearly see when I get obsessed with something I almost have to fight just as hard to keep it from turning into a destructive thing.  Even healthy things I can turn into something bad.

I don’t love these things about myself but sometimes I feel almost powerless to stop them.  When you go down the rabbit hole and you’ve dug a hole already it seems hard to figure a way out of the hole so you might as well just keep digging it deeper and deeper.  Its messed up clearly. I am sane enough to know this is insane, so then I wonder how insane am I really? Or do I use some sort of lack of control as an excuse for immediate gratification?  I can tell you this, I feel like sometimes my brain doesn’t function as properly as someone else’s.  I don’t have an off switch. Sometimes I don’t have the control that I am certain other people possess.  I think this is in part what makes me so driven and successful in some avenues of my life.  But in the same token can cause me harm in other parts of my life. 

I am just in a blah and I am sure it probably is a sort of chemical imbalance that is rearing its ugly head.  I am living proof that just because you are this or that or suddenly obtain things you always wanted or wished for it cannot and it does NOT fix the inside. Losing weight is not some magic happy pill. Running a marathon is not a be all fix all either.  As much as I wish it were.  Sure, exercise and running help tremendously with the balancing out of the clear chemical imbalance in my brain.  This is probably why endorphins play a pivitol role in my life.  Sometimes, just sometimes I would trade away part of my success to lead a chemically balanced life.  But we are rarely given a choice in the matter.

This is the hand I was dealt in life.  I have no one to blame for my actions and choices other than myself.  And try as I might I keep waiting for the shoe to drop out from under me on my life.  Isn’t that sad?  That even after all this time I am still waiting for the big fuck up to happen. For my life to come crashing down around me.  Is it normal for a person to always in the back of their mind be waiting for all the good in there life to end and to go into a period of hell?  I don’t want my life to crash in around me, but I can’t help but fear it.  Perhaps that’s a trust issue.  I don’t trust that the good things in my life are real.  Insane. As I am certain I wasn’t ever really given any reason to doubt it.

I think this is why I try and constantly be looking for my next fix of happiness. The next race that will take me away from the fear. The next endorphin rush that will temporarily remove me from reality.  And yet my reality doesn’t suck.  Isn’t that a sign of a sick person?  I see I’m painting a picture that I’m insane and I’m really not.  Nothing in my life is that bad.  I need to just calm the fuck down and breathe.

I’m just having a panic attack moment here.  Sometimes I get those. I am sure I will feel better this afternoon. I just need to get out of my head.  See, some days I am happy and on top of the world and other days I have to force myself to take deep breathes.  Life is not perfect for anyone.  I will survive. I always do.