Thick & Dense

Do you ever have one of those out of body experiences where you are floating above yourself and for the life of you; you don’t understand how you got there? Yup… that is what it feels like sometimes when you step back and try to figure out the source of issues. Out of body experiences. I actually woke up this morning feeling much better than yesterday or Sunday for that matter. And when I was metaphorically floating over myself I had to wonder how I ever allow myself to get to such places of negativity at all. That is the interesting thing about life, we are rolling along just fine, better than fine actually and then wham, like a ton of bricks without any apparent warning those crazy shifts occur.

I will not say that I am 100% back to my normal happy self, but I am like a 100% increase in mood from yesterday so that is something to glom onto and run with it. Everyone has those moments and out of body experiences where you just can’t pull it back together. I don’t think I’d be a human if I didn’t have emotional peaks and valleys. Fortunately for me they are not as common as they once were and not as dire in the overall scheme of things. Just irritations that cause an occasion food binge. Still working on that one.

Do you know what I discovered though in the middle of my downward mood shift, that I have real girlfriends. It’s crazy. Amanda was as sweet as could be to me and last night texted me and wanted to know if there was anything she could do for me and even offered to bring me a rockstar drink at work today and talk things out if I needed to. Fortunately I woke up so much better today that I was able to tell her this morning that I was doing okay, but just her offering was super sweet and thank you. So yeah, she’s my trainer, but clearly she’s more than that. I have much love for that girl honestly. Although we have a 10 year age difference we relate on so many levels. Go figure.

With that said, the girl emailed me a meal plan she wants me to do for 30 days. And I have to say it looks rough. Like really almost unbearably rough. Here let me post it for you….

Breakfast:
1/2c oats
1 tbl Peanut butter
1scoop protein (if you would like)

Snack:
2 rice cakes with 2tbl almond butter

Lunch:
1/3c beans
1/3c quinoa or rice
veggies
3-4oz lean protein source (or just have 1/2c beans and rice)

Snack:
15 almonds
Protein shake

Dinner:
Green salad (unlimited for any greens)
4oz Lean protein

Snack: (only if you’re hungry!)
Veggies and protein pudding!
3/4c water
2tbl chia seeds
1tbl peanut butter
1 scoop protein powder
mix all together and let sit for 20mins and it will be a tapioca texture and yummy!

On training days where you’re going crazy at the gym add in a banana for snack 1 :)

So the thing about this plan is that it looks boring and like not nearly as much food as I’ve been eating. And that last snack that says only if you’re hungry, clearly she has no idea what it’s like to be a fat girl at your core because hello, yeah I’m going to be hungry. It seems so boring and I am not 100% sure that I want this bad enough to commit to this crazy menu for 30 days. Can you really have the same foods day in and day out for 30 days? Clearly I am still contemplating this as my ultimate fate. I guess in reality I can do almost anything for 30 days. And given how much I trust her on so many other levels then perhaps I should just go with it and do the best I can and trust her. I would not promise 100% sticking to this plan because I have a life and I do eat out and have freak outs, but if I am good like 80% of the time that would be better than nothing at this point.

I love that all my extra crazy gym time warrants me 1 banana. Oh boy, I guess this is what it takes to get ripped and lean. I also guess this is probably why I am feeling much “thicker” than I want. I have been gaining muscle for sure but it’s leaving me feeling heavy and thick, which is probably where some of my issues have been coming from lately. I don’t feel small. This is an adjustment for me. I spent forever, 10 years actually trying to be thin or small or basically not fat. Now I am not fat but I feel dense. I don’t even know how to describe it other than I am a solid mass. I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing but it just takes another mind adjustment which is new to me. To be “small” but feel “dense.” This isn’t some mental issue of thinking I’m fat like one so often does when they lose weight and don’t see themselves clearly. This is very different. This is being solidly thick while still being the same size as before. Does that even make any sense?

I find it hard to describe but the best way I can think of is this. I am still the same dimensions I have been for the past 7 months. When I joined the gym and started strength training in June I weighed around 140 pounds. For the past 7 months my weight has fluxuated between 135 and 144 pounds. Last time I weighed myself it was 144 pounds which kind of freaked me out. But in reality, from June to know I am only up about 4 pounds. Actually when I went to Maui in June I was 142 pounds. Anyway, I am wearing the same clothes. I am not physically any larger even with the extra 4 pounds. Clothes are the same, weight is relatively the same, but I know I am more solid. With all that said, I feel mentally as “heavy” as say when I was 160 pounds or so. Does that make sense? I feel like I have weight to lose because I solid. There is nothing wrong with my appearance or even with the reality that I have muscle. After all, that is what I am working towards but like everything else it just takes time for our minds to figure this shit out. Obviously this is the first time in my entire life I’ve had to deal with this particular issue and therefore its unchartered territory for me. I don’t feel lite as a feather on my feet. I mean, in the end, I think I look better it’s just an adjustment that is taking its toll while I try and figure it all out.

I mean, I am actively trying to get my body to be this solid so I shouldn’t complain I guess. I am not really complaining, I am just seeking to understand the changes that are occurring in me. It’s just a process. No one ever said any part of this was going to be easy. Even once you are at some goal, you really are never done and it really never gets any easier. If I’ve learned anything from all the super fit girls at the gym it’s that they try every bit as hard as obese women trying to lose weight, it’s just a different battle, a different struggle. Different demon, same story. That concept has actually been very helpful to me honestly. To see no matter what, we all our fighting our demons. The grass is not greener on the other side. It’s just different. No matter how you slice it, whether you are 220 pounds looking to lose weight or you are 140 pounds looking to build muscle, it’s all about discipline, commitment and wanting to succeed above all else. It takes the same desire and passion to accomplish any of it.

Thank goodness the one thing I have in abundance in my life is passion. That is in part one of the things that I believe keeps me going day in and day out. Crazy passion for this shit. I guess perhaps it’s time to tap into some of that commitment to tackle this insane food plan for 30 days. It’s not less food than I’ve eaten before in my life. I mean, let’s be honest, how many times in my life did I survive on not nearly as much food? Yup, not healthy at all, but it’s possible. At least this plan above is based on health and getting the right foods to nourish into my body. One can do anything if you want it bad enough. I am living proof of that. I may however wait until after I get back from Arizona next week to start this. I am kind of easing into this eating right now but officially start post Arizona. One can’t eat like this on vacation. Not happening! I mean, I have to carbo load the night before I run a half marathon anyway.

So that’s where I am at today. Better than yesterday and I will take it.