Pure joy

Good morning world. I am getting sick. I don’t like to say those words out loud because they are very unacceptable to me. I CAN NOT be sick. I CAN NOT get sick. I won’t. I simply refuse to allow myself to become ill and give in to it. (Okay I realize I have very little say in the matter but whatever) The thing is, I am not full blown sick yet. I feel I am in the critical moments of time where the tides could turn either way. I could suck it up and take care of myself and not be sick or else I could give in and say I’m sick and slack and then allow myself to actually be sick. If I were full on sick I’d admit it and there would be little that could be done about it. I am just not there yet.

Reasons I cannot be sick. 1. I refuse to give up my steadfast exercise routine. 2. I have my first one on one personal training session with Amanda tonight. 3. In 9 days I get on a plane to leave for Arizona to run a half marathon. Yup, I am not allowing myself to let sickness enter my life.

With all that said before anyone tells me to slow down and take care of myself and blah blah blah, I will let you know this. I wasn’t feeling too hot all day yesterday so I did go to the gym. I did a 30 minute class where it became evident to me that I was not at my 100%. I was feeling really hot and flushed and not from the exercise. Afterwards I decided it was just best for me to go home and take a shower and rest. I ended up falling asleep on the couch. So yes, I acknowledged that I needed a break and I took it. Which is good because there are no breaks for me tonight. I need to be on my best, 100% game.

Last night while I was in the shower nonetheless I started thinking about plans and goals and trackable progress and what I want. Perhaps it was sparked by a conversation I had with my mom at the gym earlier in the evening. She was asking me what my goal was or where did I want to go from here. She had more obtainable goals, good stuff like she wanted to work on her balance. I think her balance was one of the main reasons she wanted to be healthy anyway. She wants to age gracefully and be healthy. Very commendable stuff. I have to spend more time actually thinking about what my goals are. When I was losing weight it was easy, a no- brainer. Yeah, lose weight. Get to that magical 140 pound goal. It’s not only solid and concrete its easily trackable and for whatever reason fairly obtainable for me. I suspect my body just really like living at 140 pounds better than being 220 pounds. But that is also a no-brainer.

The part that has consistently plagued me for the past 10 years really is what is the goal PAST 140 pounds. What is the real motivation for wanting to be 140 pounds. Where do I go post 140 pounds losing weight. Losing weight is always in the back of my mind but I have to say barring some drastic lifestyle shift I don’t suspect I will ever lose much more weight. This is a pretty solid set-point for me. I am not opposed to being lighter on the scale if it were to happen as a natural by-product of all of my other goals and or lifestyle, but it is NOT the goal. It is not the thing I am working towards. My past history has shown me time and time again that obsessing about my weight is completely unhealthy and unfulfilling for me. It also has shown me that it is unfortunately pretty unobtainable as well. I get down there sure, from time to time, but maintenance is a no-go.

If you never figure out the why of losing weight you will never be able to maintain it beyond losing it. I don’t care how many times you’ve done this, I don’t care how easily or hard it is for you to lose weight. I truly believe unless you get your head figured out first, unless you can fully understand the why of it all then you won’t be able to maintain it. This is the final weight loss lesson I had to learn that took 10 years to get. Unless you can understand the reasons behind all of it, you are doomed to repeat your cycle over and over. I am a 10 year example of this truth. I am sure some of you are probably saying to yourself okay, so what makes this time different? Who is this girl to be preaching at me about finding the reason… she’s not out of the clear yet. She does this for one year and suddenly thinks she’s the expert? Honestly, this is sometimes the dialogue that goes on in my head.

All I can say is that I knew something was different from the very first day I started this time. I knew something was finally clicking forever ago. I kept silent and I let it grow inside of me, my resolve and determination. There has not been a point this entire journey this time around where I didn’t believe this was FINALLY the time that it was going to be forever. It was that resolve that even had me join the gym to begin with. It was that belief in doing it different that has had my world open up to a million new things this time around.

Joy. Can I talk for a second about pure unadulterated joy. I don’t talk about it enough. Because I feel like for the first time ever in my life I am experiencing pure joy. Joy of life. Not just joy of being healthy or skinny or some stupid idea about what life should be. It’s just pure joy. Joy of life. And no it’s not drugs. I am not on any happy drugs. When I spoke the other day about getting drugs that were much needed for a long time, it was for my husband. World of difference in both of our worlds when he got the help that he needs to right a chemical imbalance that is not his fault. His actions are his fault sure, but the actual chemical imbalance in his brain… that’s just life. So yes, drugs for him. Joy in my heart. My life is not perfect. It never will be because perfection does not exist, but joy can.

And now back to the part about goal planning/setting. It’s an interesting thing for me. I don’t think you can honestly stay focused without some sort of goal or plan to work towards. I almost said end-game but that is 100% not right because there simply will never be an end-game. This is forever. New challenges and goals forever. I am a person who needs some sort of goal in sight to work towards. A new challenge. When I think about what that is for 2014, I have obviously previously dubbed it the year of strength and I am committed to that. But in breaking that down, what does that really mean?

That is the question my mom asked me last night. What does that mean? When I stop and think about it, I don’t really care about how much weight I lift or press or squat. I’m not trying to be some heavy ass lifter. If I end up increasing my lifting ability so be it. Great. It’s a great tool to measure progress. But that’s not all that important to me. I care about how I look, sure. I suppose ultimately I have this mental picture of what I want to look like in my head and because my brain is so OCD, if I decide that is what I want I won’t stop until I get it. Even if that takes me years. I am committed to a year’s plan.

This is what I decided my friends. It’s about building muscle and toning. I am not an idiot. The skin damage I have done to my body was 33 years in the making, up and down, stretch and pull. I don’t know how much is reasonable to expect to bounce back. Maybe it’s not, but I also know I’ve never tried before. Not really. I’ve never walked this new exciting path of joy and happiness that I am on.

And guess what, here’s the real kicker, I’m banking on me. Yup, I’m putting my faith and trust in myself. I believe that despite all the odds I can do this. I believe in my core that with much continued effort that I will someday see the results that I want. I also believe it will be years. I do. So 2014 I’m setting aside to love and enjoy my life. I’m making it my year of strength. Pushing and challenging myself and growing and loving my life. Loving myself. I will give myself this whole year to believe in myself and the power of change. Then we will go from there. But I am banking on me succeeding.

My big overall broad plan is just to spend the year going further down the strength training rabbit hole, letting it take me wherever it does. Maybe in a couple months I discover that I want to lower my body fat percentage, maybe I decide that I want to truly eat clean, maybe its one of those obstacle races. I don’t know. The point is, being happy healthy and strong. I am so in love with the feeling of joy that I would fight tooth and nail to keep it.

I have this visual image of where I shall be at the end of 2014 and I promise you, I will bust my ass to get to her. So thank you any and all for sticking around and enduring this journey with me. It’s going to be such a fun year…. Are you all ready for it?