Monday, January 13, 2014

Let it go

Holy cow, it is Monday already. I pretty much hate how quickly my weekends tend to fly by. I know this is pretty typical because time flies when you’re having fun, or so they say. Whereas week days can tend to drag out in generalized monotony. Regardless, we find ourselves yet again at a Monday. I had a mixed bag kind of weekend all things said. Friday night after work I headed to the movie theatre to meet up with my trainer and 2 other lovely gym girls for a movie and then dinner. It was nice. I really enjoy the company of Amanda. I like the other girls but I probably don’t know them quite as well. At times I do still find myself awkward. I think it comes from a lifetime of awkwardness or feeling like I just don’t fit in socially. I don’t really understand that feeling. Or perhaps it’s because these girls are much younger than me. I feel like the old chick on occasion. But I try and ignore and suppress those feelings as much as possible.

It’s also true that at times I feel like such a recluse. It was very nice to get out and socialize and girl talk but at points I thought just going home and sitting on my couch and vegging out sounded like a mighty fine option as well. Yup, I am that much of a recluse at times. But mostly I think it’s from feeling slightly awkward more than not wanting to be there. Social settings are fairly new to me and I’m trying. That’s the best I can say. I am trying. A for effort. We actually were out pretty late. I don’t think I got home until about 11 PM. I know, not that late actually, but whatever. I went to bed and then got up and headed to the gym Saturday morning as per usual for 9 AM Turbokick. And then at 10 AM it was boot camp. 2 hours of workout and I was done for the day. Afterwards I went grocery shopping, something I have not done in far too long quite honestly. I bought all the stuff to cook. This is a crazy sentence for me because I RARELY cook. I am a processed prepacked kind of girl. But I really wanted something a little different. After the store, I got my nails done and then I spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out with my mom. Nice day all around.

Saturday night I started to feel a little off. I really hate when your mood or something shifts internally and things become askew. That happened. They can’t all be perfect can they? I ended up staying on the couch watching TV until like 1 or 2 AM. I just needed to focus my brain on something other than the thoughts in my head. I actually watched TLC’s my 600 pound life show. They recently reaired the previous season which I never saw so I taped them and caught up on them. I am not entirely sure why it fascinates me so much but it does. I swear I cringe, shake my head, want to cry and want to hug them all at the same time. I appreciate their candidness in sharing their stories. Watching that until 2 AM probably not the best idea ever though.

I finally went to bed and at least I got to sleep in on Sunday morning. I slept until 10 which was nice. I got up, did some things around the house, mostly got dressed and ate. I did wake up NOT in a good mood. I can really tell how much my attitude ultimately affects my desire and ability to stay on track. I literally did not want to go to the gym which is so rare for me and not happening honestly. I was meeting Amanda at noon for a back workout. I tried to smile and put aside the raging thoughts in my brain but some days you are just off. When you allow outside force and external issues to enter and reside in your brain it is amazing the damage it can produce on your psyche. I will tell you this, I put the smile on my face and I worked hard with Amanda. We did 100 pull ups to warm up. Let me tell you something about pull-ups…. I cannot do a real one. I do assisted pull ups. Meaning we hold each other’s feet and then pull up. Still lots of pulling up on our part. We did 10 rounds of 10 and then would switch off. By the end I was exhausted. That was the warm up to back day. In the end I had fun and temporarily the endorphins of working out took over and stabilized my brain a little bit, but eventually those wore off and reality came back.

When I got home it was time to make my food that I had purchased the ingredients for the previous day. I have to say I had no idea what I was doing exactly but in the end it turned out great. I started by cooking up a carton of egg whites. Then I added 2 cans of black beans. This was my base of breakfast burritos which I later decided were really just burritos period and therefore could be eaten as lunches which seemed like a better idea anyway. So yes, egg whites and beans for protein. Then in another pan I grilled up onions and peppers. Delicious. Then I laid out 10 tortillas on my counter and tried to divvy it up appropriately. I did not go as far as to measure equal portions. I am not that particular. I did the old eyeball test which was entirely good enough for me. I made too much egg white and bean mix. I had far too much left over in the pan that would not fit on my 10 tortillas. So what I learned was this, if I do this again I can easily make at least 15-20 burritos with smaller inside portions. Good to know. It was delicious however. I did not eat the finished product of veggies with tortilla, that is happening today for lunch, but I did eat the egg white and bean mix and it was awesome! Leaving me very excited to devour my lunch today. And the best part is this, I freaking have a bag in my fridge with 10 of those little suckers in it. Amazing. I feel so accomplished and excited to be eating egg white bean burritos all week.

Yes the cooking took time and was not my favorite thing in the world, but boy is it nice to have healthy home made food options. I am beyond thrilled that this week is the week of burritos. I could almost see myself picking one dish to make on the weekend each week so that I have at least a few lunch options for each week. That whole pre-planning food. Exciting! I understand now.

Of course this will not happen next weekend as I will be in Arizona running next weekend, but at least I get the idea now. Plus its way cheaper in the end than any of the food options I generally do for lunch. It’s cheaper than microwave meals. It’s cheaper than a subway and/or quizno’s sandwich. It’s cheaper than my Quest bars. But it’s more work and I don’t love that but I will see. Trying to work on it in baby steps. That is one of my goals for this year. Work on my eating and food a little more.

So that happened and I am excited about that but then last night something else happened that reminded me again that I am not all 100% beyond old habits. For the first time in ages last night I emotion binged on food. Yup. I was not hungry. I was not even really craving anything. I was upset and off and therefore I ate to try and make myself feel better. I seriously have not done that in forever and it felt gross. It didn’t even make me feel better. Ultimately I just felt worse. Complete reminder of how horrible emotional eating is.

It was in that moment that I realized how much I am so classic clique. It was a relaps, but it is not a trend. It’s a good reminder that this behavior does NOT really make me happy at all. That is the behavior of how I got to be 220 pounds to begin with. Eating my emotions. I really feel much better working them out in the gym. I need to remind myself that food is not happiness. Food is fuel. Period. Yes, it does taste good but it is NOT a substitute for an emotion or a feeling. We all have moments of weakness. I do struggle from time to time.

I am forgiving myself for my chips and chocolate and peanut butter. I am choosing to accept it for what it was and to remember that feeling of it solving nothing and moving on. Today will be better. Today I am going to eat well. I had oatmeal with cranberries and walnuts for breakfast and then I did have a Quest bar for a mid-morning snack and then I will have my amazing burrito for lunch. I will do this. Today I will use food as fuel for my life, for my body, to nourish me. Not as comfort.

It’s also possible that I am pre-pms ing…. Or that its coming up soon which probably explains the extra heightened emotions a little too. Boy it’s nice when my emotions are in check and I am happy. I would do good to really appreciate and savor those moments where things are just clicking along good. I feel like I am well aware that life is not always perfect and I try my hardest to appreciate the little things as they happen.

I am doing a little better today and I am not going to binge today. Not that I actually think that is even a possibility after last night. I did not like the way I felt afterwards both physically and emotionally. Lesson relearned. I think you have to keep relearning some lessons over and over. I think this is part of what keeps this whole process real and forever. I make mistakes, and I move on. I don’t hate myself or give up as a result. I keep moving forward. I should point out a lot of my weekend freak out was my own causing... I was getting inside my head about weight and body fat percentages and how I looked. Stupid crazy stuff that does me NOOOO good. Breathe and let it all go.

2 comments:

Pg_Ro said...

Sorry you had kind of a tough emotional weekend. Damn hormones:) I understand the social awkwardness feelings as well. I don't like them, but I do understand them:)

Hopefully this week looks up for you. Great job on the cooking.

Tami said...

Emily,
I read your blogs many years ago and was very inspired by your drive and candor. I too was struggling with my weight and happened upon your blog one night and simply could not stop reading. I love your writing style:-)
So tonight as I am on day 1 of my lifestyle changes I decide to try and find a blog I can follow. I remembered your name and was so very happy to see you were still blogging! FYI- I was reading when you first started dating Chris. I will be going back in your blogs to catch up so don`t be surprised when I start commenting on year old blogs:-) Thanks so much for being so candid you really are an inspiration:-)
Tami from Florida