Thankful

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I have to admit that I have found myself so busy as of late that I haven’t really even had a moment to ponder the whole point of Thanksgiving or the being thankful part. Yes, people spend the month of November daily writing Facebook posts expressing their gratefulness for things like coffee and heat and trees and birds, etc. You get my point. But honestly, what are you truly thankful for this year?

As I was running around doing work errands this afternoon I was walking by a bank of windows on my way to the bank downtown and I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection and I had a stop and pause moment where I was like, holy shit, I look strong and healthy. I do not look tiny and breakable or fragile or wimpy. I look healthy. And then as I continued on my way into the bank I got to thinking about the reality that tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that I have so much to be thankful for this year. That truly 2013 has been very good to me and I really feel so blessed this year.

I had a moment where I almost felt tears welling up inside of me because my reflection told me I was physically strong. And then I stopped and thought that my physical strength has led to the most amazing inner strength. Something that I can honestly say now that I have never, in my previous 34 years of life experienced. It is quite funny that when I was making myself physically strong is the first time that I was ever actually able to make my inside strong and confident as well. I have never experienced this level of self-love and inner strength.

I know I talk a lot about strength because it is truly something that is such a foreign concept to me. I never believed it was possible to feel the way I do about myself on the inside and that is probably the single thing I am most grateful for in 2013. This last year has been amazing and epic and I am beyond thankful for everything that I have earned. I did this. I can say I am grateful for what has happened to me or the blessings I have been given which is true, but honestly, it is what I worked for. I am blessed that my body and my mind was able to respond to what I gave it the way it did, but honestly, I put forth all of the hard work to earn the rewards of my efforts.

2013 is the year I finally stopped being my own enemy, my own worst critic and my own victim. Yes, I have to admit that I spent the vast majority of 2012 playing the victim in my mind. I see now, with all my newfound strength how miserable I truly was to myself. 2013 is the year of such tremendous growth on all levels. I truly do feel blessed to at the place I am emotionally, mentally, physically.

I think it is fair to say that just because someone may be strong physically doesn’t always equate to a strong sense of character or vice-versa. One can be beyond mentally and emotionally strong and not physically. I don’t think the two always go hand in hand. Basically from my own personal experience I have met lots of incredibly fit people who are complete assholes in character. Clearly they work hard and have determination, but it doesn’t mean they are nice people. I understand this concept completely. But what was so shocking for me and something that I really had no idea would occur was how changed I would be by becoming physically stronger.

The direct correlation between physical and inner strength was a completely shock to me. It seems the stronger I get physically the more my insides become strong and confident. I find myself expressing myself in all these ways I never would have before. I find myself championing the underdog and feeling confident enough to stand up for what I believe in. AMAZING feeling. Confidence is every bit as magical as I had always envisioned it would be. Albeit I never believed I’d truly have it. And yet, here I am on the eve of Thanksgiving 2013 as confident as I have ever been in my entire life and honestly believing that I am a confident person. Those are words you never would have gotten me to say at any other point in my life. Thank you 2013 for being the year. Thank you for finally teaching me the lessons that I needed to learn about love and tolerance and faith and happiness.

I honestly can’t believe another year is almost coming to an end. I can’t believe that I have survived over an entire year of life changing events. I honestly believed way back at the beginning of 2013 that this was going to be a good year for me. I had no idea that it would be what it has become and that I’d be closing out the last month of 2013 feeling as strong and confident as I do. That is the beauty of a year. It CAN be life changing if you let it. It’s never too late to become what you were always meant to be.

I am now beyond excited for 2014. I have never been over a year into my weight loss journey/life and felt as confident and in control of things as I do now. Or as motivated. I swear I have more motivation these days than I have ever had. Perhaps that’s because I have more energy and excitement for life in general. That is what good physical heath does for you.

This is the thing I know. Somewhere in the back of my brain is this little voice that tells me that I am destined for something greater in this world of health and nutrition. The little voice that says you are going to make a difference somehow. Again, I am not sure how or what, but I know it’s brewing and working towards that. I have to say I feel very passionately about empowering our youth to believe in themselves. It’s not just about being healthy and fit anymore; it seems to have branched off into the territory of confidence and self-love. And I adore that this is where my brain is headed. In showing young women that being strong of character and strong of body is not only possible but so beneficial to our well-being. You can already see that my brain keeps expanding daily into new and deeper territory.

If I keep going down the paths I am travelling, which I don’t possibly see how anything else would occur, I know eventually I am going to do great things. Not only for myself, but for the world around me. There’s that confidence coming into play again. Perhaps I need to find a place to volunteer with young girls or something like that for right now. Hopefully it wouldn’t come off as creepy seeing as I am a 34 year old woman with no children of her own. But honestly we all know it’s just because I want to help, inspire and empower girls. Nothing creepy about it.

Anyway, again, just mind rambling here. This is where I come to process my thoughts and make all important self-discoveries. This is what I know, this whole thing started out about losing weight because I was tired of living my life fearful of everything. It started out about getting back to a healthy weight and somehow 13 months later has manifested itself into something so much greater. It isn’t even about weight or how I look anymore. It’s about the confidence and self-love that results from all of it. It’s about feeling empowered and like women can do anything they set their minds too.

It’s like that feeling I get, like last night, when I was the only woman amongst a sea of men over by the weight racks at the gym, lifting like a beast. Because why the fuck not? Who says strength is only for men? It’s about time we teach our children that women are every bit as strong as any male counter-part.

I am not tiny or stick thin. I will never be that, and have no desire to ever be that. I am not perfect. I have scars and stretch marks and flaws a plenty. But I am strong. I am a fucking bad ass woman. I am building and rebuilding myself from the inside out every single day.

I have so much to be thankful for this year. I am actually beyond humbled and blessed that this is my life. That I am capable of feeling the way that I do. This is exactly the feeling that I want to work the rest of my life helping other women feel. For every single fat kid who was picked on, or average sized woman who was told they were ugly. For every woman who allows a man to walk all over her, I want to help them find their own sense of self-love. I want them to know this exact feeling, of what it’s like to feel like you are worth your own love. That you can be this strong and really, truly, accept yourself.

I sure am singing a different tune than a year ago. I love that I can pretty much track my last year on this blog and certainly completely notice the shift in attitude that has occurred in me. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Enjoy yourselves! I will be starting my day out with an 8 AM, 5.2 mile turkey trot run in the freezing cold. Cause that’s how different this year is for me than last. So I will exercise before I indulge. Cause that’s just who I am now.