Happy optimistic people

Normally I hate Monday mornings, but today I actually feel pretty okay. It might have something to do with the extra hour of sleep I got, or it may have to do with the fabulous weekend I had, or it may have something to do with how positive and optimistic I am feeling today. Either way, I shall take it. I woke up in a great mood and I feel so happy and motivated. Of course it is like 10 AM and I swear by 4 PM I will be tired and unmotivated and not wanting to go to the gym; but I WILL go. Cause you know, that’s just me.

Honestly I had a wonderful weekend. I indulged a little bit and that was perfectly okay. On Saturday I had not one, but two cupcakes. First we had fancy cupcakes at my favorite fancy cupcake place and then by chance we had cupcakes again later that night at a friend’s house. Saturday night I went to a friend’s house where it turned out the inside of the cupcake revealed the color of the sex of the baby that she is having. Always fun. It was pink, so yeah, girl :) It was nice to go out and be social. As most of you know I am not that social because I don’t have that many actual friends. Mostly I prefer it that way but nonetheless it was a nice time. Oh, and I totally had 2 giant slices of pizza and alcohol. Not that it matters, cause clearly I don’t care one bit, except that afterwards in the car ride home, my stomach hurt so bad. Guess that’s what happens when you feed it shit it hates that it isn’t used to. Major air bubbles in my tummy that I literally was trying to push out with my fists. I was sitting there pushing on my stomach trying to get the air out. It kind of works by the way. Still don’t regret it one bit.

Saturday morning, pre evening activities, I did go to the gym and do turbo kick for an hour and then Amanda, the instructor told me she was subbing as the instructor for the next class and was doing a strength training hour and of course I was in. So 1 hour cardio, 1 hour strength and I felt GREAT. And tired. Then I ran errands around town. Costco. Pita Pit Lunch. Wal-Mart for groceries. I don’t go to Wal-Mart all that often but it was next to the Costco so I ran in there. Always reminds me how much I hate Wal-Mart. At least in this area it is so trashy and the lowest class of people.

Sunday morning, after having gotten home super late the previous night I woke up and watched the NYC Marathon on ESPN2. I was so excited that they televised it this year. I had previously set my DVR to record it so when I awoke Sunday AM it was already well into it and I did not have to watch commercials or anything that was too boring. But honestly, nothing was that boring to me. I was enthralled pretty much start to finish. So fascinating and inspiring. And holy cow I am blown away by how fast those people run. I know they are seriously the best of the best in the world. But I can’t even fathom running at like a 12.5 mile per hour speed for like 2 hours, or 26.2 miles. That is insane. I run at like half that speed and half the distance and that seems like enough for me. And I like running more than your average Joe so I am just so blown away.

However, sitting my ass on the couch all morning proved difficult for me. Mainly because it made me more tired. I had ZERO motivation to do anything. I just wanted to sit on the couch and veg out. I actually think I said out loud and I pretty much meant it at that moment that I was going to take the day off from exercise that I was NOT going to the gym. Of course I knew that was probably not going to happen but for a moment I felt it.

I got up and started moving around and realized that I was in fact waking up and I should go to the gym because I literally had nothing else to do for the day so I really couldn’t come up with a good excuse not to. I put on my workout clothes and started to get excited, so off to the gym I went. I ran for an hour knocked out 6.2 miles, nice easy run. I would have ran more I was feeling so good actually but my body betrayed me and I had to go to the bathroom so bad I had to stop. I could not hold it in any longer. After that I worked my way over to the weights where I spent close to an hour lifting and working and getting stronger and I felt GREAT. I felt amazing, just the way I like it.

Afterwards it was off for a few more errands, I hit up Ross Dress for Less and GNC for quest bars. All was good. Oh and Albertsons where I picked up the most amazing pieces of pork. They are pre-seasoned pork strips and so freaking good that we grilled up LOTS so that I have extra pieces to snack on all week. Pork is so amazing. Great protein and great tasting. Aside from pork, I had grilled onions, homemade mashed potatoes, corn and a slice of bread for dinner. I was stuffed at the end but felt so good because this was a quality meal. I knew I just filled my body with amazing healthy things it needed. Great feeling.

Overall it was just a nice wonderful relaxing perfect weekend. Which puts a big smile on my face and makes me so excited and hopeful for today. Hopeful because I am just so happy. I know I had a bout of insecurity last week where I was really hating on my body but honestly I am so proud and happy with it. This is the general mind frame that I have and love. My body is not perfect but it IS making progress and I am so hopeful and excited about what I can continue to accomplish. I just keep building muscle and getting stronger and pushing harder and I feel blessed that I am capable of as much as I am. I am encouraged to see where I can take all this.

I spent some time last night thinking and reflecting upon some of this stuff, this journey. Mainly I am so happy that I have freed myself of the scale. I really truly feel 100% free of the scale at this point. Occasionally I get on it, mostly as a double check, but mostly it doesn’t move and mostly I don’t care. In fact, some of those random weigh-ins are obscure times and in various states of clothed. Meaning, I don’t obsess enough to strip down naked and make sure it’s the same time, same day, etc. It just doesn’t bother me that much. I know at some point it’s likely the scale will even go up as I continue to gain muscle. What do I really care? What is far more important is the image in the mirror. I am thinking I am clearly not one of those girls who has the physique of 120 pounds. I am built for muscle. My body is built to gain obviously. This time I am just gaining muscle instead of fat and I love it. My body is not designed to be stick thin. Genetics would never allow for that so it’s no surprise to me really that my body is taking to muscle so well. Some girls it seems to be a struggle to gain muscle on their frame. Not me at all. If I can gain, my body certainly will find a way to make that happen.

Anyway, the point is, knowing I am gaining muscle, working hard, it’s likely the scale will rise but I won’t really be gaining weight so I have to learn to let go of the scale number. It is so irrelevant. I keep saying it and I am really starting to believe it, that give me another 7-8 months of personal training and gym time and I AM going to be that super fit, ripped girl. I am on my way now, but I am going to be her. I see her in my mind and I am so excited to keep going because I love it so much. I love how empowered and strong I feel. I have never felt this way before in my whole life. Sure, I ran and got to 140 pounds before. Wait, I got to 130 pounds before but I NEVER, not even once for a moment felt the way I do now. STRONG and POWERFUL and confident. Do you know how confident my strength makes me feel?

This is what has been missing in my life, my whole life. This feeling of I can do anything I want because I am worth it and I deserve it. That I am worthy. The feeling that I am physically strong translates directly to my inner strength. I cannot even describe how much simply lifting heavy weights and growing muscle has changed my inside. My mental outlook on things. This is how I know I am never going back because I can’t ever lose this feeling. This feeling is amazing. I just want to keep going because I love it so much. I am so happy and excited for my future. Every single day. I just look forward to going to the gym, and seeing what new challenge I can face and how I can grow.

In two weeks I will be in Vegas to run my half marathon. Another thing that was previously beyond my comprehension. Beyond my self-imposed limits. I am a different person today in every possible way. You know how else I know that? Because we’ve been looking up runs for Thanksgiving morning. Going to start out my Thanksgiving doing one of those T. day runs. No better way to spend my day than starting it out with a good 5 mile run. I live my life now, which is what I am most proud of. I don’t worry about food. I eat what I want when I feel hungry. Fortunately what I want to eat is pretty much good healthy shit. I exercise because I want to, not because I have to. That is so important. Your brain knows when you are exercising to torture yourself or because you love yourself. I cannot stress enough how important that distinction is.

Last night I had a thought and I realized this was always my problem in a nutshell. If someone told me that I had to go back to running an hour a day, 6 days a week right now I would cry. That sounds like torture to me. Yes, I love running. Yes, I want to run. I will always be a runner. But forcing myself to just run and run and run sounds like torture. That is what always happened to me, once I got to goal, that level of running proved to sound like torture so I tapered off and eventually quite all together and gained all the weight back.

I no longer feel tortured. I constantly feel excited and invigorated for my different workouts. And when I want to run, I run. It doesn’t feel like torture, it feels like something I want to do. It’s very refreshing. In a nutshell, I am just feeling so good and optimistic right now. Like for some crazy reason I believe in myself enough to change myself. To keep growing and changing. I believe anything is possible. I believe that someday I am going to physically look like the girl I always wanted to be. I believe in myself that much!